Christian by day and atheist by night

Sent in by TheOtherRainMan

James Bond. Indiana Jones. The Librarian Dude from those "Librarian" movies on TNT. What do all these men have in common? Well, technically, they have a plethora of things in common, such as the fact they are all men, they are all incredibly good looking, they always get the girl, and their third installment was usually considered "not good" by a good percentage. But one thing in particular that they all have in common is that they are men of action at night, but in the daytime - they are men of charm.

They would capture the bad guys, recover the stolen gems, save the girl and win her over, and yet, be able get to the President's Ball, dressed in their nicest tuxedo, looking like they spent the whole day getting ready. No one expects or even knows of the trouble they went through earlier. They are masters of illusion.

Although I haven't captured any bad guys, recovered the stolen gems, saved the girl and won her over, AND looked good in a tux, I, myself have become a master of illusion; On the outside, I am a conservative, McCain-supporting, Jesus-loving Christian who thinks abortion is bad and views "An American Carol" and "Fireproof" as acceptable entertainment. But in reality, I am an libertarian, Barr-supporting, Jebus-hating atheist who still finds abortion bad (for reasons other than what the church wants me to think) who finds "An American Carol" pathetic and will never in hell see "Fireproof" (Mike Seaver is starting to creep me out).

Simply put, I'm a Christian by day and an atheist at night.

Although a few months ago, in July 2008, I posted a testimony (or extimony) about my life and my decision to become a deist (at the time). I'm going to quickly retell why I left and my current stance.

Back around May 2008, my Catholic High School had "Vocations Day" and we had this young seminarian guy come talk to us about Jebus and accepting "the call".

Now, I am diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome (possible Borderline Personality Disorder as current research is starting to suggest), so sometimes I have trouble distinguishing whether a person is making fun or being serious, along with other problems.

After he told his "Hollywood" style story about why he decided to be a priest (filled with him going into details about how he got down on his knees and cried when he saw the cross one day and such), this seminarian guy then opened up for questions and a lot of what my classmates were asking seemed (at the time) either trivial or just something stupid to make fun of the guy. When class ended, I felt bad for the guy so I go up to thank him for talking to us. I shake his hand and after that, the first thing to he said to me was:

"So, you thinking about being a priest?"

At that moment, my stomach dropped. It was this weird feeling like something was amiss; Something Rotten in Denmark (as one might say).

Now the idea of being a priest was suggested my entire childhood, mainly from people within the ministry themselves. Hell, I remember as I left the confessional in fourth grade, the priest giving the confession said that I should think about becoming one.

But that day, my stomach dropped and in a rush to get the hell out of there, I said "I dunno" or some neutral response like that. He then replied, "I'll pray for you" My stomach dropped even lower. I got the hell out of there fast. What this priest said oddly stayed with me for weeks afterward. It became so bad that it distracted me on the SAT's resulting in a lower score (it doesn't matter anymore as I already got into a college).

Long story short, I decided that I needed to take control of things and that it was time to get the fuck out of Christianity. At that time, I took up deism because it closely fit to what I believed. As time went on (including religion class, full of brainwashing), I began to see that the idea of a God was just..... child's play. A nice, convenient lie of sorts, made to help us feel better when we feel alone. So recently, I came to the conclusion that I am an atheist.

The part is.... I'm tired of lying to everyone when I say "Oh, I'm Christian" or "Yeah, I'm Catholic". Recently, we took the ACRE (assessment test, which is a big standardized test which compares how a school is doing teaching Catholic stuff to the rest of the nation. On this test, there was a section where you had to put down Strongly Agree, Agree, Disagree, or Strongly Disagree to certain statements. Seeing as this was anonymous, I decided to tell them how I really think. Some of the questions on this section were:

"I look upon Jesus as my Savior and Friends"
"When I pray, God listens to me."
"Being a Catholic is important to me."
"I think about becoming a Priest or Sister." - This one was a truly "What the Fuck?!"

All I did was just disagree with all those statements. It felt good to get it out, but it also felt oddly dirty.

What I am trying to get at is this. I no longer want religion. I don't want it at all. I'm tired of being told how to believe or what to feel for certain issues. I'm tired of the fact that I am scared to come out about who I am for fear of persecution. I CAN'T STAND any of it anymore! I feel like a little robot whose main goal is to do as he's told and not question.

I want to be me fully. Not the fake fucker me who puts on a show just to keep the delusion up and everyone around me happy. I wanna be able to wake up and know that its ok to think differently or be a little crazy and such.

Is it so hard for a boy to dream that we can all co-exist one day?

- TORM (Who hasn't been here in a long time)

P.S. Sorry if this seemed overly rantish and such. I'm typing this a 2am in the morning and I am not thinking perfectly straight.

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