All roads lead to the doghouse

sent in by Meg

I was born & raised in Seattle, one of the most agnostic cities in the nation. I grew up in a largely non-religious household; my father was (and still is) basically agnostic, while during most of my childhood my mother was in a crisis of faith and on her own spiritual path. She experimented with a lot of different religions when I was a child, so I remember going to church occasionally, but I don't remember ever being compelled to attend or being told what to believe.

I should mention that my mother was also an alcoholic, because that plays a significant role in both her religious experience and mine. When I was around 16, my mother hit rock bottom, and had what she believes was a healing experience. She discovered Jesus and quit drinking because she believed that God had healed her of her alcoholism. (Whether she's right or not, a positive thing is that she has been sober for 16 years now.)

I should also mention that my mother was emotionally abusive. It was most acute when she drank, but didn't stop when she quit. This also plays a role in my conversion/deconversion. Around the same time as my mother discovered Christianity, I was raped by a boyfriend. I tried to tell my family what had happened, but for whatever reason, they were unable to get their heads around the idea that a 16-year-old could have sex without wanting to. Consequently, they didn't believe me, and didn't listen to me. Instead, I was blamed for what happened and placed under house arrest until I graduated from high school. It became very clear to me that I was persona non grata in my household, especially with my mother. Sex before marriage had been absolutely forbidden even before she converted; now that she was a convert, it was among the unforgivable sins.

So I ended up converting shortly afterwards. At the time I really didn't know why I converted. After many years, I've been able to look back and realize that I was, on some level, trying to get back into my mother's good graces -- i.e., I was trying to get my mother to stop thinking I was a dirty slut and stop treating me like a huge disappointment.

One of the reasons why I suspect this was my real motivation for converting is because of how closely my own beliefs paralleled my mother's. She became a Fundamentalist and started attending an Assemblies of God church, and adopted many of the beliefs fundies have (utter inerrancy of the Bible, everyone who isn't a believer is going to hell, etc.). I adopted the same beliefs too. In fact when I look back on those years, even though I didn't go to the extreme of getting rid of my non-fundie friends, I know I was a big pain in the ass a lot of the time, trying to get my friends and relatives to convert. My mother and I were even baptised together - full immersion, the whole nine yards.

I stuck with Xianity into my early 20's. I pressured a guy I was seeing into converting, so that it would be okay to marry him. Then I got married to him, mostly because I thought that was what I was supposed to do: get married and have Xian babies. A few years into it I realized it was bullshit, a horrible marriage, and a waste of time. I didn't know what to do, though, because my church basically taught that marriage was forever, and you couldn't get out of it no matter how miserable it was.

Around this time my father's parents both died. I had a huge crisis of faith at that point, because I can honestly say that my dad's parents were the only people in my life from whom I really ever experienced unconditional love. My mother told me that they weren't Xians, and because they'd never accepted JC as Lord & Savior (you know the magic formula...), they were probably in hell, and it didn't matter how loving or caring or good they had been while they were alive.

That totally depressed me. So did the reality of my rotten marriage. I slumped into a huge depression and a huge crisis of faith, and started asking the probing questions, like what the hell kind of jerk was God if he'd condemn people like my grandparents? And what the hell kind of lousy religion was it where God wanted me to be miserable my whole life because of my broken marriage?

In a nutshell, I started to think that any kind of God that would be that way was, frankly, a really crappy God. In my mid-twenties I didn't ditch Xianity entirely, but I started looking around at other religions and philosophies. My marriage deteriorated, despite my attempts to fix it. (Part of the problem was that I was trying to fix it with no help from my spouse.) I eventually got to a point where I realized I was so miserable that I was either going to kill myself, kill my spouse, or get a divorce. That was a shocking realization, because I'd never expected to be in such a desperate place. So I filed for divorce in the year 2000.

By that time I'd begun looking at goddess-centered religions and faiths such as Buddhism and Hinduism. I was realizing that I was probably pagan, and probably always had been. I still wasn't quite sure which direction to take my spirituality though. I figured that whatever deity was out there would let me know whatever I needed to know, and I just worked on that basis.

The final decision came after I made the mistake of dating a fundie Xian. It started out okay, in fact it started out great - he came across as being warm, affectionate, and genuinely interested in who I was as a person. He was particularly interested in my spiritual life. At the time I found this refreshing, since no one else had ever wanted to know me on that level; but now I'd consider it a big Red Flag. I understand now that he was only interested in my spirituality because he wanted to be able to undermine it so that he could insert his own religion and re-convert me.

Things went okay for awhile, until I got tired of the constant pressure to convert. Eventually he had a talk with one of his fundie friends, who told him "get rid of this one so that the Lord can find you a godly woman." (Yeah - the "unequally yoked" crap.) I found out at that point that he'd be lying to me from day one. He'd never really been interested in me at all as a person. In fact, when we met, he regarded me as being emotionally needy, and decided that he was the one to "fix" me. His solution was, of course, to show me Jesus, and then I'd convert and everything would be wonderful. I also found out that he was a porn addict, and had lied about it. When we first got together he claimed it was an issue he'd dealt with in the past, but that God had healed him from it; later on I learned that he'd never stopped using it at all. I found out that he had never loved me at all, and had, in fact, stood there and lied to me about it from day one. I found out that his goal had been to convert me, and when I didn't convert on his schedule, he rejected me outright. Moreover, the relationship had become somewhat sexual, something which he regarded as sinful (even though he was perfectly willing to use me to jack off with), and something for which he blamed me in the end. (I.e., the standard fundie crap of "blame the woman for tempting the man to sin".)

When I learned all of this, I called him on it, and ripped him a new one. He whined and wailed for a few weeks about how right I was and what an awful person he'd been, then got impatient with me for not forgiving him and still being angry about it. Ultimately the whole thing was always about him. In the end he blamed me for "making him" lie to me, and dismissed me outright.

After being with this person, I felt spiritually raped. It has taken a *very* long time to get over the emotional and spiritual devastation the whole thing left behind. It was kind of surprising to me, how deeply it impacted me, but it makes sense in light of how willingly vulnerable I made myself to this person, based on how he initially presented himself.

My experience with this person was what sealed the deconversion: after him, I was *definitely* not Xian. After him, I realized that if being Xian meant I had to be like him, I'd rather go to hell. I also knew that I'd never trust another Xian again, and I'd never be Xian again, either. It was crystal clear that there was no place for me in this person's religion. It was also clear to me that I didn't want to follow his God anyway.

Since then, I've considered myself a Neopagan. At the moment I'm studying Hellenic Reconstructionism, since that seems most honest, considering the kind of stories and studies I've undertaken since childhood. (I loved the Greek myths as a kid, and took Latin in highschool and Classical Greek in college... go figure.)

I'm happy to say that I'm not enemies with either my mother or my ex-husband. I look at both of them now as just being people that have their own foibles and issues. My mother is still a fundie, but she has mellowed a lot over the years. I think she realizes that she doesn't want to lose her loved ones by alienating them with her judgmental attitude. My ex is still Xian, and I will say a very intelligent, thoughtful one as well. We were friends before we married, and though we are no longer close, we keep in touch now and again.(He had enough sense not to fall into the fundie abyss. He was Presbyterian, last time I checked...) I've remarried, to a person much more like me, who's also a neopagan. He has a much more Wiccan flavor than I do. So far we're very happy. *:)

I look at the Bible now *not* as the inerrant Word of God, but as one of many works of faith and philosophy that exist in the world today. I give it the same weight that I might give the Koran, the Tibetan Book of the Dead, or the works of Aristotle: all of them probably contain valuable wisdom, but all of them were also written by *humans*, not by God. Humans can create remarkable things, but we can also screw things up good and proper. I do not rely on any one source as being the Ultimate Truth About Life, the Universe, and Everything.

At the same time, I can't simply dismiss things like my mother's conversion experience. Is there a god, and did he heal her? I don't know, but I do know that for her, it was a deeply spiritual experience. Ultimately I figure that there are as many spiritual paths on this earth as there are people, and they all lead to the same place. If she had something happen to her that enriched her life spiritually, I'm not going to knock her for it. (But neither am I going to follow her anymore.)

Anyhoo, that's the gist of it. Thanks for reading this whole thing. And thanks for the forum, it's really refreshing. *:)

City: Seattle
State: WA
Country: USA
Became a Christian: 16
Ceased being a Christian: 29
Labels before: Born-again, fundie, evangelical, AoG, generally spiritually stupid
Labels now: Hellenic Pagan
Why I joined: To make peace with my family
Why I left: Crisis of faith, reality check

Christian Fundamentalism Can Devastate a Family!

sent in by RUTH STONE

When I became a Christian, it was because I wanted to do something 'right' for myself and my children. I wanted to have the rules all spelled out for me. And peer pressure (most of my friends were already churchies). But I also remember reading the Book of John and being inspired by Jesus. He said things that made sense to me...things that I could agree with. So I started going to a church where it all changed.

Yes, at first it was all about Jesus...his love and his forgiveness. Who doesn't want a clean slate? But, with each Sunday sermon, the Jesus that lured me into the church became less and less visible. Suddenly it was the harsh, jealous, smiting God who loomed large. But, by then, I was already deep into it, and felt like I couldn't back out. I had built an entire social circle of friends who would not let me walk away. A few years go by, children were born, and I was becoming more and more beligerent and hateful. Suddenly, conspiracies were everywhere: the music i once listened to had Satanic back-masking, so we threw those away. The toys my kids played with were also demonic or new age, so we discarded those. Of course, the public schools were indoctrinating our children with Humanism, so we pulled them out and started homeschooling. I cut myself off from my unsaved family and friends.

I remember one afternoon with the other Christian moms: they were telling me how God had laid it upon their hearts to tell me that I wasn't doing God's will because I didn't believe in physically hitting my children. They told me how the bible said I HAD to spank them. One woman said her pastor had preached about it and had told the congregation that an unruly child should be hit repeatedly until you hear them make a cry of submission. That at first, a child will cry simply because they got caught, but after hitting for a while, the child's spirit would submit.

Unfortunately, my husband and I, like sheep to slaughter, went along with it all and began hitting the kids for everything and anything.

Anyway, over the next several years, I began to THINK for myself and realized that my unhappiness and depression was directly related to the crazy doctrines of the church. I started to question everything and came to the conclusion that IF god existed, and that IF god were truly a loving parent, then he would not have put me in a world of temptation. He would not have made gay people. He would not have mandated genocides (all those O.T. stories). More than that, I began to think that perhaps God was bigger than any one single religion. After all, if GOD really did have a holy book, wouldn't it come attached to our umbilical cords or something like that?! I mean, it would be OBVIOUS to all people at all time that it really was God's Book.

It's sad for me to realize that this part of my journey took up so many years of my life. I regret the way it changed me.
I regret being the hostile, unloving parent during those years, as cold, distant, and abusive as the God of the O.T.

It's funny: born-agains are always talking about having a "personal relationship with god." Yet, if memory serves, I was was always being told what to do/think by other christians...never really allowing me to have that personal relationship.

In conclusion, I hope this testimony helps someone...even just one person...walk away from the insanity that is Christian Fundamentalism. As I told my former church friends as i was leaving, "I have prayed about it and am convinced this is what "God" wants me to do." And I wasn't lying; I knew in my heart (as they say) that if there really was a God, that God would completely approve of my decision to leave.

Incidently, I have never been happier, healthier nor more like myself and have never once regretted leaving Fundamentalism behind.

State: Illinois
Country: USA
Became a Christian: I was in my early 20s
Ceased being a Christian: I was almost thirty when I walked away.
Labels before: Assembly of God; Foursquare Gospel.
Labels now: Gnostic Pantheist
Why I joined: I became a Christian because I wanted to do something "right."
Why I left: I left because it nearly destroyed my life, my family, and my mind.
Email Address: myrrhspace at yahoo dot com

I know the bible is crap but then how do I explain THIS?

sent in by Curious and curiouser

Hi this is a GREAT website and I may post a couple more times cos I'm new to this (only started really de-converting about two months ago!) Hope that's ok?! :-)

Enjoying all the testimonies, they help a LOT! Now, let me cut to the chase here. I no longer believe in the Bible, biblegod, jesus etc. BUT.....Ritchie's testimony about his penticostal experiences prompted me to write this, had been thinking about doing so anyway as I want to hear your views.

Right.........When I was conceived my mother didn't want me and I don't hold it against her OK but she was REALLY upset about being pregnant and tried to kill herself several times.

(1) The first time she overdosed on sleeping pills but just chucked them back up and when she asked the Doctor for more he was suspicious and wouldn't give them to her.
She could have o.d.ed I could have been killed (inside the womb) too but I wasn't and she didn't.

(2) She tried to gas herself but while she is SURE she shut the windows - and yes, especially in THAT state of mind she COULD have been mistaken, I know! - she went to sleep, the next morning she woke up to find one window wide open so we again could have died and didn't.

(3) This is the biggest mystery perhaps. She put her head in the oven and turned on the gas. She HAS had migranes before but NEVER a neck ache and she had a sudden terrible pain in her neck and she felt a hand pull her head out even though there was noone in the room. ! (

4) She would have liked to have had an abortion (rather than attempting suicide!!) but she didn't know where to go to get one (this was the early 70s and she was too ashamed to tell anyone, even though when she did MUCH later on tell them about me, her best friend and family even her mother were very accepting but she thought they wouldn't be. So I was not aborted (obviously, or I would not be writing this now - duh!)

(5) Her best friend told me a few years ago that my birthmum at five months' pregnancy - when she tried all this stuff - looked like a woman who was nine months' pregnant (yes, I know she didn't tell her best friend at the time, she must have told her later!) and it was as though there was a protective coating around me so I was not brain damaged but the attempt at sleeping pill OD for e.g! After all THAT I was adopted out at the tender age of three weeks and ended up in a fundamentalist Christian home! Hmmm after hearing all THAT and my birth mother is NOT a Christian, she believes in God but that's IT, I thought maybe I was SUPPOSED to be born and SUPPOSED to be brought up in a Christian home.

(Although I guess logically speaking it would have been a LOT easier if God wanted THAT to just make it so my dad (i.e. adoptive dad I have now) COULD have kids and then we wouldn't have needed to go through 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5!)

I have since come to realise there is no WAY the bible can be true and therefore my parents' beliefs are WRONG. So that theory goes out the window but on the OTHER hand, WAS someone intervening in my pre-birth to keep me alive and WHY and WHO THE FUCK WAS IT?

I am NOT a Christian anymore I am NOT a troll and (you'll have to take my word here and I KNOW swearing on the bible won't mean NOTHIN to me or you guys!!) OK I swear on my dead and much loved Grandmother's grave I am NOT making this stuff up!!

So guys, any possible explanations? A few I have come up with, by the way, tell me what you think (just DON'T tell me I or my birth mum are full of shit! cos she's no liar either and NOT a drama queen who lies to get attention cos I know the type and she's NOT it! and being irreligious she HAS no agenda!)

Right, my possible explanations:

(A) There IS a God. OR Goddess or more than one of those who for some crazy reason decided to help out. I have also considered there may be a deity/deities that IS there but is NOT omnipotent, has LIMITED powers. I mean, I'd be pissed off if SOMEONE OR SOMETHING out there helped ME out but didn't stop the tsunami if it/he/she/they COULD have stopped it!

(B) There is an ancestral spirit that actually gave a damn about it's descendant. Again, not an omnipotent one, of course.

(C) I was extremely lucky to be alive and that's all there is to it. And my mother was just imagining the hand thing and confused about the window because of her state of mind which obviously wasn't in a good place!!! and the neck ache was from tension and the fact she's never had one before or since means nothing. (Possible, I've had one single migrane and so far never had one before or since)

This also brings me to the crazy point that however it happened perhaps I or she or both of us are here for a reason but I'm 31 and although I am basically a kind and caring person who helps people when I can I haven't exactly found a major life purpose that makes the world a better place yet! I've also thought re. the family thing apart from the fact it could have been a coincidence and probably was maybe the reason if there is one I was put into THAT family was because THEY needed ME. MAN does that make me sound an egotistical meglomanic or WHAT?

Well I'm NOT OK?! Let me explain: My brother told me he was a father at 20 three weeks before he told our folx so maybe it helped him a tad getting that out. My father had an affair and I didn't condone it and wasn't exactly thrilled with him but let him know I accepted him no matter what.

Yes, I was in my 20s but still living at home but STILL! And my brother has been a total shit especially the five years he was a drug abusing alcoholic and caused us all KINDS of problems - also adopted, by the way, from an alcoholic family, yes really! now he's a fundie in some ways it's not much better! But ANYWAY my mum often said what a wonderful support I was to her in those times.

In case you are thinking I am putting myself on a pedistal I think despite how bad the fundamentalism Christianity has been for me but that's another story this one is WAY too long as is, appologies! in some ways my family have been good for me too, e.g. my dad is quite successful (no millionaire of course! but he does alright) and that inspires ME to try my best for just one e.g. So, any thoughts on any of that?

E.g. WHY?????? and HOW???? and WHO???????

Became a Christian: 3 weeks? ! ;- P OK maybe nine years old actually
Ceased being a Christian: 31
Labels before: What churches or organizations or labels have applied to you?
Labels now: Am I allowed to say eclectic? New Thought plus New Age plus Gnostic plus Deist plus Humanist etc! plus nothing against doing the odd wicca incantation!
Why I joined: Thank the family for that! Not wanting to go to hell! (at nine!)
Why I left: Because I realised the origins of the bible were questionable as was it's logic and it's contents so how could it be true. Plus I've always (almost always) been open-minded at heart back to my true self at last!

The Dirt Under the Rug

sent in by anonymous

I'm 22 years old, and have just recently found the freedom that had long awaited me. I was born into a church of Christ cult, and I accepted everything I was taught until high school. Upon entering high school, I sensed that something just wasn't right about the atmosphere at church. The youth group excluded me because I wasn't breaking the rules. They were basically one big clique. There I was, following the rules, being a good little Christian girl, while the other kids plunged into the world that we were taught to avoid. During my freshman year in high school, I joined a Christian club where I was told that the coC was nothing more than a dead church. At that time, I still believed in the Christian God, but not the coC version of God.

I noticed something quite inconsistent: While at Sunday School, I found that I was the only youth member who was interested in the Bible, who actually read the Bible every day and fed my ears with Christian/inspirational music. I asked questions that no one else dared to ask, like "What about all the starving people in the third world?" The answer I got was, "They are just as culpable as we are." The other youth members treated me like an alien because I actually pursued God! So, in my hunger to fit in, I tried to hang out with the adults, only to discover that they were hypocrites too.

However, on school days, I noticed that the students in the Christian club were excited about God. No one had to tell them to read the Bible or worship; they had hearts for these things. They treated me like I was one of them, and of course, that gave me a sense of belonging. During my junior year, I took the charismatic route, falling down, shaking, etc.

It was during my senior year that I decided to drop the bomb on the youth group at church and tell them that I didn't believe the teachings of the church. They were shocked. They told their parents, who told other members. The members told the deacons and elders, who told the preacher. How do I know that? I saw the looks; I sensed the hesitant attitudes people had when they spoke to me. None of the parents or leaders confronted me. They just gave me the usual fake greetings. All the while, I felt burdened by the arrogance, racism, and hatred that came from these people. Whenever they talked about people they considered "lost", they laughed. Although it was an all-black church, there was reverse racism.

The minister occasionally preached sermons about black pride, about how he wished segregation was back so that black people would be separated to themselves. I couldn't wait to go off to college; that was my first opportunity to leave the church. I entered a college founded by the United Methodist church, and soon made friends with religious studies majors. By the end of my freshman year, I felt completely free from the legalism of the coC. Nevertheless, things changed for the worse during my sophomore year.

The "Christians" at the college whom I had accepted as friends began to pressure me with alcohol and revealing clothing. I resisted, and they tried to distort my image by spreading rumors with snide insinuations, calling me staunch. Aren't Christians supposed to be loyal to their Lord? I lost my friends that year, and transferred to a public university, where I made friends with a nonreligious woman, Pamela.

Although we had different backgrounds, we got along just fine. She didn't pressure me to violate my conscience, nor did any other student. Looking back in hindsight, I believe that professed Christians are really pitiful because they lie to themselves, making up elaborate stories to cope with reality. Not a single nonChristian has ever purposely mistreated me. That's not to say it won't happen in the future, but so far in my life, the only people who have burned me were "Christians". So I don’t know if Christians really exist anymore. I know one thing though. Since I’ve been at the university (almost 3 years), I’ve had peace of mind, healthy relationships, and more mental and emotional freedom than ever.

Became a Christian: 10
Ceased being a Christian: 22
Labels before: Church of Christ
Labels now: none
Why I joined: I thought it was the thing to do.
Why I left: Hypocrisy in the "church"

Reality is better

sent in by Marsh

Like so many other people of this world, I became a Christian thru birth. Before I was able to form a complete sentence or thought I was in Church with my parents. Most of the family members on my mothers side are die-hard Christians. So the influence of the church was apart of my everyday life. Every time we had a family gathering of some sort we would form a huge prayer circle while one of my aunts or uncles would have the honor of talking to God.

As I look back at my childhood and all of the religious influences I’m kind of surprised that as a young adult I was able to throw the title of being a Christian out of my consciousness. At an early age I displayed the ability to look at things objectively. This all started with the myth of Santa Clause. While attending a small private elementary Christian school I made it a point to tell some of the kids that Santa Clause was make believe. This would make some of the kids upset but I felt that they needed to know the truth.

This would have to be the earliest example of my living in reality. In my adolescent years I’ve always had this doubt that I just couldn’t seem to shake. The main question that I posed to my parents was “ How do you know if you have the right religion”. They would always seem to answer this question with “ We just know” which to me didn’t seem like an answer at all. There were many nights while in bed I would ask God to show me the truth, or give me some type of sign to show that he or she existed. These prayers would never be answered. So I would just go on with my life having doubts but still have this thing religious people call “Faith”.

One day while watching television I came across one of these religious programs with a preacher saying that the world was only a few thousand years old. Now this bit of information created a whole new level of doubt because I was into reading about Dinosaurs which roamed the earth millions of years ago. Like all kids I turned to my parents again for information but they seemed to not have an answer. So I thought to myself how could a Christian parent take their child to a museum to see Dinosaur fossils and then on Sunday go to church and learn that the world is only a few thousand years old . This was an obvious contradiction that my young mind would seem to ignore as time passed. As I went through High School I really didn’t explore the doubts that I had about my parents religion although I did became a believer in Evolution.

The age of 21 would have to be the point in my life when I decided to absolutely have nothing to do with Christianity. It was during this time I decided to read the entire Holy Bible from beginning to end. The thought was If the Bible was the truth then while reading it I should be overcome with the spirit of Jesus. After getting thru the Old Testament I couldn’t believe what I just read. It was atrocity after atrocity and I couldn’t believe how anyone could say the God of the Bible is a just God. After all we are all punished for the sins of Adam and Eve. In the New Testament Paul orders slaves to obey your master as your master would obey God and as a African American I found that to be kind of strange.

After reading the “good book” I became free. The burden of worrying if I will burn in Hell has been lifted. When I come to my parents with these facts today they seem to ignore them or interpret them into something totally different. Reading Thomas Paine’s “The Age of Reason” I found a quote that would best describe my mentality today “The world is my country and doing good is my religion”. As a religiously neutral man the only things I believe in is working hard and helping others less fortunate than myself. I’ve come to the conclusion that prayer doesn’t help people, it’s people who help people. Just remember life is short so try to enjoy it the best way you can.

Sex: Male
State: Missouri
Country: United States
Became a Christian: 1 day old
Ceased being a Christian: 21
Labels before: Pentacostal
Labels now: Freethinker
Why I joined: My parents told me to be one.
Why I left: I finally read the Bible
Email Address: armaghc2000 at yahoo dot com

No longer mormon

sent in by Michelle Pederson

I joined the mormon church to make my hubby and his family happy but I was miserable. So I stopped going or having anything to do with it. My husband, for a few months now, is finally getting that the church is full of bullshit and not true. So we sent a letter to member records in Utah to have our names removed from the records, so it will be like we were never apart of it. Thank goodness!! :)

He's also writing a book about all his expeirences growing up in it and the things that go on in the temple. He's hoping to get it published and if his family found out what he was doing he would be disowned and they would not talk to him again, which to me wouldn't be a bad thing. :)

All of his family live in Utah, except for a brother that's in AZ and another brother that's in NC. He hardly ever hears from any of them and when he told them that he was leaving the church and that he didn't believe in it anymore they told him to pray about it and that it was my fault. I didn't make him or convince him to do a damn thing.

We've just been discussing religion and stuff with our friends and hecame to it on his own but at least here in FL he has the support group behind him to support him. Well that is all. Hope everyone has a good day! :)


City: St. Augustine
State: FL
Country: USA
Became a Christian: young
Ceased being a Christian: about 25
Labels before: just the mormon church
Labels now: agnostic, almost atheist
Why I joined: family
Why I left: it's a bunch of bullshit
Email Address: legolas74 at se dot rr dot com

What a Fool Believes

sent in by Lord Umbra

In 2002 I quit going to church. I had been a professing Xtian since ‘97. I converted late in life at the ripe young age of 37. My religious experience up until that point had been nil. I just suddenly “got religion” and joined the crowd.

I got deeply involved and was serious in my faith. I taught and preached both in church and at the local Rescue Mission. I eventually was made an elder in the fall of ‘01.

However, the same biblical acumen that qualified me to preach and teach, also made me aware that the church wasn’t quite right. Being honest, I could not deny that I disagreed with much of what the bible taught. I wasn’t too crazy with the behavior of the Xtians either. Plus which, in my own life, no matter how much I submitted to “God” and prayed in faith, “sin” never seemed to leave me.

Well, what’s the point of being “saved” if you aren’t delivered from “sin”?

Finally, in December of “01, tired of choking on my own bile due to frustration with the whole situation, I tendered my resignation from my church. The pastor wasn’t too happy with me, but I didn’t care. He was hyper-Charismatic, and I had had enough of putting up with unbiblical practices.

For a few months in ‘02 I took the family to another church, but it was a wash. Nothing was the same. Before I believed. Now…? Nothing.

I quit coming to church. My wife and the kids toyed with another church off and on, but soon they tired of the charade as well.

Not wanting to admit defeat, thinking there was a way to salvage my “faith”, I embarked on a serious self-study of Xtianity and world religions. I wanted to learn it all. I wanted to find out what had gone wrong with my “faith”. I wanted to rekindle the dying embers of the flame that once burned so brightly within me.

For two years I fluctuated between great faith and pissed off. It seemed the more I learned, the less I found to bolster my faith. And I was reading strictly Xtian resources!

At first I thought the church was merely plagued with counterfeit Xtianity. I figured if I could somehow isolate the “X” factor that hindered REAL Xtianity, I could at least begin my own home church.

But the more I studied the more it became apparent that the problem was NOT the adherents of the faith, but the faith itself! Xtianity was bogus. And religion in general sucked the big wand!

So in December of ’04 I declared myself an EX-Christian.

I expected a big fight with the wife and the remainder of my family. But none came.

My mother and siblings knew better than to argue with me. I have a reputation for being stubborn. Once I have a head of steam, there’s no changing my direction.

My wife was more worried that I had become a “godless atheist”. Well, I hadn’t at the time, but NOW I am!

At first I tried to keep some belief in “God”. But then I took a crash course on atheism, agnosticism, deism, secular humanism, et al. I soon decided that I’m better off not wasting my time believing in that which cannot be proven. Especially when said belief tends to make me crazy!

All in all, it hasn’t been too bad. Unlike other people, who had church friends to lose, I had none. My ties to those people had been severed months and years ago. So no guilt trips and no pressure to return “to the fold”.

And that’s my de-conversion story in a nutshell. I’m not totally cured of religious thoughts, but I’m getting better.

Strange thing is, now that I’m an atheist I’m happier and more relaxed with myself and the world around me. As an Xtian I was mean, critical and judgmental.

Go figure.

My wife continues to pretend that she’s an Xtian, even though she doesn’t attend church, read her bible, pray or anything. I don’t say a word. Not everyone is ready to make such life changing commitments. She was playing this game long before she met me, so it’ll be harder for her to admit.

My kids don’t give a rat’s rear one way or the other. They’ve got enough on their plates just getting through school and playing video games. Life is good. If and when the subject of religion ever interests them, I’ll give them my views and encourage them to think for themselves.

Until then, I’m chillin’.

Sex: Male
State: MT
Country: USA
Became a Christian: 37
Ceased being a Christian: 45
Labels before: Non-denominational/Charismatic
Labels now: Atheist
Why I joined: Curiosity
Why I left: Learned it was a sham

People are the same everywhere you go

sent in by Rob

My life has been fucked up since I was teen. It's all good though because I've got great friends and family that have helped me all my life. Molested by a female music teacher at 12, parents divorced when I was like 13, mom was institutionalized for manic depression at least 15, 16 times before they could find suitable medication for her when I was fifteen through nineteen. (I suck at remembering what happened when, to much pot)

I would go to school and try to cut everyone up and get attention there. I became the class clown, of every class. I always needed attention, and I always got it.

There was this one english class I had in high school that changed my life. I had always been told I was evil by various religious people and I thought to myself "No I'm not".
It happened enough times that I started reading the Bible and preparing myself to fight should it ever happen again. One english class can change your life.

There would be days when I'd come to school in the afternoon because in the morning I'd have to call the cops on my mom to drag her off to the looney bin. Then I'd go back to school and get told that I was worthless because I never worshiped some dude named Jesus. As soon as my teacher left, the fight would begin. At first, I took all my aggression out on him by ridicule. It worked, but then I felt sorry for him because he looked like such a moron. I understood even back then, tha

City: weyburn
State: sask
Country: canada
Became a Christian: 22
Ceased being a Christian: 24, 25
Labels before: free methodice
Labels now: agnostic
Why I joined: looking for love in all the wrong places
Why I left: I hate lies
Email Address:

My path, my choice

sent in by EternalDarkness

The original version is in the "Testimonies of Former Christians" section of the ExC boards. I've since expanded upon the story to include more information. It was originally supposed to be a little jot in reply to one of the other posts here, but it turned into an essay.

My story basically goes like this:

Like most of you ExC'ers here, I grew up in a Christian home. However, I always felt... "disconnected"... from the religion. I feel somewhat unique, however, because I was exposed to different denominations. My mother was a Catholic who converted to Methodism to marry her second husband (when I was in kindergarten). My aunt Cynthia is a Greek Orthodox. The rest of my family is largely Roman Catholic Italians.

My mother used to bring me to Sunday Mass when she was a Catholic. I loved the pomp and circumstance, but it meant nothing personal to me. Rather like dangling a fascinating new toy in front of a small child's eyes. There was nothing personal or deep behind it, however.

When my mother converted to Methodism, she didn't take me to the Methodist church until I was about 7 years old. Again, while I enjoyed the Sunday School arts-and-crafts sessions and sing-a-longs, it was of no import to me.

When I sat in the church -- often for hours at a time -- I would easily become bored and restless. I would even fall asleep during the pastor's sermons. It wasn't until I was of confirmation age (13 years old) that religion began to have any meaning for me. At that point, I became curious of other possibilities and faith systems. I started studying ancient Greco-Roman and Egyptian mythology. I also wondered about Judaism.

Ironically, at that time, my stepfather had became one of the laity in our church. He was a cruel, abusive man and I was afraid of him. I began drawing mental conclusions about the similarities between him and the God I was supposed to love. "If he loves me, then why does he continue to hurt me? Why should I be punished for a mistake? If God loves me, why won't he protect me instead of letting this happen to me?"

Eventually, my parents -- apparently concerned that I was delving into alternate religions to satiate my need for understanding -- contacted the pastor of our church. The pastor came over and talked to me about becoming a confirmed Christian. When I raised questions about how Christianity compares to Judaism and other religions, the pastor was shocked. She basically insisted to me that Christianity was the be-all and end-all of religions.

I was a little hacked off by this lack of enlightenment, but I went ahead and got confirmed as a Methodist. I still remember that horrible, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach as I read my confirmation vows at the pulpit the week after that. I felt like I was being sentenced to death.

I quietly continued my research into alternate belief systems, however, and I even briefly delved into Wicca in private while projecting the false image of the ideal Christian. I eventually stopped attending church regularly to pursue my goal in finding my faith full-time. I spent much of my late teens drifting from agnostic to sort-of Christian.

Meanwhile, my stepfather's abuse continued. When all else failed, I prayed to the Lord regularly to save me from the abuse, to protect me from my stepfather. Jehovah never showed up, and the mental and sexual abuse at my stepfather's hands continued. I began to think that perhaps it was my fault, for not being a good enough Christian.

I despaired, eventually believing that I might be better off dead. I attempted suicide -- twice. The first time was in June 2000 and the second time was in early 2001. In November of 2001, I went into counselling, and confronted my fears of my stepfather and, in turn, my fear of the invisible sky-daddy who would condemn me to hell for not being a perfect Christian. I had been manipulated into fear enough at the hands of my stepfather, a supposedly "ideal" Christian, and I didn't need any more condemnation at the hands of a manipulative God or His followers.

My beliefs began to change. I began to put my faith in a more tender and compassionate entity that could substitute for the loving father figure I never had. I rejected the warring Jehovah in favour of this kinder, gentler, unisex Deity who would accept me for who I am -- all of who I am, and not just bits and pieces of what anyone thought I *should* be. So, knowing my believes didn't jibe with the image of the Christian God, I walked away from the church and didn't look back.

It wasn't until late '03 that I discovered the Gnostic Gospels. And it made more sense to me than Christianity ever did, so I -- at this point in my life -- consider myself a freethinking neo-Gnostic. I don't think Jesus was the saviour of mankind. He was just a man, if indeed he existed at all. And that's what gets me into hot water with my family.

A few weeks ago, I had an occurance that made me grateful I'm not a blind worshipper of the sadistic Yahweh. I was told by my aunt Cynthia (the Greek Orthodox aunt, who I happen to admire deeply) that "you better believe in Jesus, or you'll end up in Hell". All because my mom innocently blurted out over the dinner table that she noticed and was sorry that I cringed when she (my mom) said "in Jesus' name we pray" while saying grace.

I realize that when I chose my path, I would be censured for it. But I never expected it from my aunt. Ouch. I just hope that she will try to be more understanding when next we talk.

One good thing about the whole thing is, though: Mom's trying to be understanding about it, because she knows I'm searching for answers, just as she did at one point in her life. She's even defended me. I think she sees being supportive of my choices as part and parcel of both being a good Christian and a good mom. She even once told me that "you are at this moment, exactly where you need to be".

But I still get calls and notes from people at my old church asking me when I'll be coming back. The last time I showed up there was almost 2 years ago, because my mom asked me and my then-boyfriend to go at Easter '03. I haven't been back since. What makes them think I'll be back anytime soon?

Sex: Female
City: Pt. Pleasant
State: NJ
Country: USA
Became a Christian: I was baptized at birth, and confirmed at 13 or 14 years old.
Ceased being a Christian: 20
Labels before: Methodist
Labels now: Freethinking Neo-Gnostic
Why I joined: I was more or less born into it.
Why I left: Inconsistency in Biblical text, hypocrisy of Xtians, etc.
Email Address: hellishalchemy at msn dot com

religious experience true or in my mind?

sent in by richie

My name is Richie, Ive been raised mostly in a penticostal envirenment, up until a few years ago. I have been reading stories on this site for about 3 years, and I have to tell you that I appreciate all of you for telling your stories. Leaving christianity has been a long hard road, sometimes I feel like I am going insane.

I am going to give a full version of my leaving the faith at a later date. I do however have some real important questions for the viewing audience, maybe those that have had some of the same experiences that I have had inside the world of christianity and the church.

First off, I no longer believe in the bible, but I have had some personal experiences that keeps me from totally escaping from religion, and being at peace with myself.
Ive been in church services where people are talking in tounges, falling down, acting totally crazy.

On the issue of tongues, I have heard hundreds of people talking "bable" I usually rolled my eyes, Ive seen people "slain in the spirit", or being "drunk in the spirit". And most of the time I think it is a bunch of bullshit. For most of them this is a comon experience every sunday night, God doesnt seem very powerful on sunday mornings. (joke).

I guess I will get to the point, I have done all these things described above, but they where not comon experiences, there may have been 6 times at the most in the 37 years of being a christian that I thought I was experiencing something bigger than myself. One time, I was praying and I really did fall under some spell, I asked God, If you are real then knock me down, he did, or my own mind made me fall.
(this was a real eyes rolled back into my head experience, complete with "rapid eye movement" some of you will know what I mean.

I was at a revival meeting (bullshit meeting) a few years ago. Right before I left the church for good, this young evangelical preacher was asking the congergation to meditate on god, I did what he asked, just like a million times before in any church service, but this time was different.

I closed my eyes and prayed, just like the thousand times before. But this time was different, my eyes seemed to roll up into what I now understand to be the third eye. After doing this for maybe a half hour or so, I opened my eyes, "shit" I was as high as a kite! I have smoked mj before but It felt like I had just smoked a big fat joint.

Soon after that I left the church, something had snaped in me after that night, I went home and like a machine, I grabed all my christian music, bibles, anything to do with christianity and stuffed it in the garbage can. It felt so good to do, after that day I have been a free thinker, a free spirit, it feels so right.

I have dabbled into everything I can get my hands on, but what remainds is................"WHAT DO THOSE EXPERIENCES MEAN".

If you are curious to what ive been reading or watching to find answers, one fine mind is Huston Smith, he is a religion professor at MIT, or Berkly, I cant remember exactly. He has a set of 5 dvd's on religion with Bill Moyers (PBS) you can check out at the library, or buy online....that series has helped me to be opened minded about things.....

Finally, I did graduate from college if you are wondering, Ive had a few beers tonight watching the DAYTONA 500, spelling and gramer are out the window. I do however honor you people that have the guts to speak out...tell about your lives and are searching for the matter what that truth or reality is.

Love Richie!!!!!!

City: rapid city
State: sd
Country: us
Became a Christian: born into heavy penticostal, family became more liberal in time.
Ceased being a Christian: 33
Labels before: penticostal, charismatic, assemblies, fundimental etc.
Labels now: varies from diest, agnostic, athiest .
Why I joined: its the only thing ive ever known.
Why I left: started investigating the bible, evolution, geology, anthropolgoy
Email Address: bcp7777 at yahoo dot com

I'm leaving; but I'm missing it

sent in by anonymous

I became a Christian when I was five. I recently turned 30 and am trying to finally leave it...and all of the happy fake people. But I'm struggling; not because I miss church, or miss the people; I don't miss the guilt and the confusion, or feeling terrible about simple things, like loving hip-hop or dancing or trying to figure out how to have a balanced view about sexuality. I miss, miss, miss God. I miss looking out at the mountains or the sun and feeling connected with some being that orders it. I miss the idea of someone who invented love, and could do it better than parents or people. The strange thing is that I've met more Christians that are dysfunctional, have no connections to reality, are closed people than not.

I don't want to be bitter; feeling that Christianity fails you is like feeling betrayed -- I understand the bitterness and anger. Feeling vulnerable, opening up your heart and spending years involved in something that doesn't seem to hold water. But there are things that are so beautiful -- a heaven where all the tears are wiped away; perfect love casts out fear; if there is a God, a real, real God wouldn't he inspire those words? But he would love people and Jews and homosexuals too. Anyway, I guess as is obvious, I'm not quite done with it. And I have to live in reality. And if he's real, he will show me, he will talk to me; and tell me how all of this apparant evil has come with the name of Christianity branded all over it; if he's not, I hope I get over losing him.

Ceased being a Christian: 28
Labels before: Christian
Labels now: Spiritual but not religious
Why I joined: Family
Why I left: Unanswered prayers; fake people; unhealthy environment

Freedom From Religion...

sent in by Caligula

I was born Roman Catholic. Now I know a lot of the fundies tend to think Catholics are evil…which I find to be much like the Ku Klux Klan calling the skinheads racists. Nevertheless, for those who don’t know, its extremely boring, mass is a like an hour long sleeping pill….and the communion crackers are like cardboard….if they gave out Oreos or something like that….maybe I would have stayed. My parents used to drag us to church every Sunday as well as on Christmas. So I grew up believing the usual God and Jesus stuff. One day, my parents decided to send me to Sunday school. The problem was, this Sunday school wasn’t even a catholic one, it was protestant. ( we still laugh about that to this day ) So I go...maybe twice and they literally had to drag me kicking and screaming. I didn’t pay much attention to what they said, the only thing I really remember, is they took a collection… ( yes…they took a collection of money from a bunch of 7 year olds) I noticed the teacher/preacher slip all the money into her purse. I told my parents…and I never went back. When I hit life was a mess…what 13 year olds isn’t? I wound up going thru the “I hate my life and want to die” stage and I prayed to God for help.

No help came.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend.

In retaliation for being forsaken, I dove full force into Satanism. I had a nice little personal library going, I grew my hair long, and became your scary headbanger/soldier of Satan type. My entire life turned around, I went from zero friends to literally hundreds. From suicidal to loving my life. Thanks to the devil, I was living good. Well, my parents were starting to get freaked out by the “evil” me and they suggested that I go and get my communion / conformation thing. I wasn’t to happy to do so, then someone tipped off the church about my new “faith” and the monsignor of the church requested to see me. So I figured that this would be cool as instead of sitting in church listening to some 90 year old priest drone on about Jesus and his friends, I could ask some questions. I went and had a long talk with the holy man and every question I asked, he had a reasonable (at the time) response to. So I bought into all the hell stuff and decided that I would give up the devil and come back to Catholicism. I had to go to these night classes and sit there learning about god. Boring…completely boring and these people that were in there, where strange. I felt like I was stuck in Mr. Rogers Neighborhood. This one nun in particular, who I referred to as “Attila the Nun” Pulled me aside and informed me that she knew about what I was into. I asked her what the big deal is about reading the books? What if I read the books but don’t worship the devil? You know, treat them like fiction novels? Nope…no good, I had to get rid of them. Needless to say, I got rid of all my evil books which I really didn’t want to do but at the time I thought it was the right thing. I didn’t really buy too much of the rhetoric and just went through the motions to make the conformation or whatever it was called. I was only half sold on this at best. The ceremony at the church was the very last time I ever went back. If you asked me what religion I was, I would say Roman Catholic, but “not practicing”.

Some things happened in my later teens that caused me to get closer to god. Still not fanatical, still no church, but I started praying. I believed that if God was everywhere, then there is no need to go to church’s or run to a priest so I just prayed myself. This worked for me…for a while. Things got really good in my life and all was cool…for a while. But then the hammer dropped and things got bad fast. I began wondering what the hell was going on? Why is god doing this to me? I prayed and prayed and things never got better…in fact they got worse. So I was like fine…Fuck This… if god can turn his back on me…I can do the same. It was bad enough that my life as well as my family weren’t doing so great at this point but I was going thru a serious religious battle in my head.

The demons were fighting over my soul….wicked.

My parents didn’t raise stupid kids. In fact they raised us to never believe anything without proof. Think for yourself. Question everything! My parents were well known to the faculty at every school I was in thanks to that as I tended to like to play “devils advocate” and stand my ground. Nevertheless, I never thought to apply this to religion until this point in the story. My mother, my sister and both my brothers began to question too. I went back to Satanism and sold my soul. (It’s a long story)…Nevertheless, when it didn’t work… I began to dig for the truth, the real truth, on religion. I read everything I could get my hands on and spent hours and hours on the internet doing the research. Yes, research…no porn…I swear.
We all began to do our homework on religion and pursued many other paths. My mom and sister became Wiccans. My brothers became atheists. My father stayed a catholic and is not interested in hearing anyone else’s point of view. (Old school Italian...what can you do?) He doesn’t seem to mind our new religious beliefs and it does provide for some interesting conversation when we are all together. I think he stays for the free coffee and doughnuts that the church gives out because he doesn’t even agree with half the stuff the church has to say anyways.

As for me, I stayed free from any label since no one has any of the answers. I do not believe in religion but I like to learn about it, mainly due to the fact that I have made it a wonderful hobby of debating with fundies. That is in fact how I found this site. The hardest part in opening my mind was breaking that chain that still bound me. The chain that is put in place from birth that religion is truth. But I broke it…and I am happier for it. Things are going well now, I realize that I effect my life and if on the slightest chance there is a higher power, he sure as all hell is not concerned with this planet…let alone me. When I was younger, it wasn’t the devil that helped me out, it was me, I helped myself out. I broke away from the norm. I grew my hair long and wore black for an entire year straight. I became an individual and I did it on my own. Although at the time I credited this mythical being, I know better now.

Religion is a virus. It attaches itself to the host and changes the way the it operates. Peace on earth will only be achieved when religion is destroyed. I once posted a rant on religion on a forum with the following disclaimer: “The use of the word “Christian” in the following does not apply to those Christians who are tolerant, pro-choice, anti-war, sane people who could care less about us sinners” I then continued on with my post. After a few posts in favor of what I had to say, someone left a post where they copied my “disclaimer” and under it typed: “SORRY BUT THOSE ARENT CHRISTIANS”

My post followed under it stating:

“Thanks for proving my point…asshole”

As that was in fact the point of my article, apparently this person never got past my disclaimer. Again, it would be funny if it wasn’t so true. I have found that the only thing that can be proved about Christianity is that its followers are some of the biggest intolerant hypocritical bigots on the face of the earth.

And this is why the world is in the shape its in.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... I have others. -- Groucho Marx

Became a Christian: Born into it
Ceased being a Christian: 13
Labels before: Roman Catholic
Labels now: Self Styled Deist
Why I joined: No choice
Why I left: If heaven is full of christians...i dont wanna be there

Free at last! Free at last! Thank logical thinking, I am free at last!

sent in by Edwin Wollet

Like a lot of people, I was born into the shit. The early years were particularly mindnumbing, since my parents (and therefore myself) were charismatic Christians, washed in His blood, anointed, etc. We would do the speaking in tongues bit and the falling down (slain in the spirit) and the anointing of heads with oil. Then we switched to the Catholic church. Different style, same substance. "Jesus Christ died on a cross for your sins. You are a sinner. The only way to get to heaven is through complete obedience to Jesus Christ." What a load of guilt-ridden crap. But, coming from a small, Midwestern town, that's the norm.

I heard about atheism (and agnosticism) in college, but did not give it much credence. There was no way that there wasn't a god, it just could not be true. Then, I graduated and went to work. Most of my friends turned out to be Atheists. By this time, my family had become liberal-minded Christians (i.e. God could be a woman, women should be priests, priests should be allowed to marry, etc.), so my "faith" had evolved. Anyway, most of my friends were atheists and every time we would debate the topic, they would win. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. So, I did. It was a slow deconversion, but once I did, I felt an immense relief.

The only problem now is that all of my family are still Christians, including my wife who is pregnant and her family. They happened to be charismatic..."The Lord led me to do this" and "It was God will that it happened." They pray for me and all of that shit. I am getting sick of it. Remove your heads from your asses, and learn the facts. God is a made-up entity that could not heal you anymore than the tooth fairy could leave a dollar under your pillow!

Thankfully, this site is here for people to vent and hear others. I would welcome any comments even from the religious wrong. I'd also like to put a plug in for American Atheists, a political organization. Without action, our voice will not be heard.


Became a Christian: Born into the occult
Ceased being a Christian: 24
Labels before: United Methodist, Roman Catholic
Labels now: Infidel, Atheist, Non-believer
Why I joined: Parental guidance
Why I left: Education and friends

From Belief to Disbelief

sent in by Jason

Well, here it goes!

I really don’t know where to start as it has been such a crazy journey. Since I always started my Christian testimony this way, I guess I will tell you guys that I was not raised in a Christian home or in any religion for that matter. Religion was not talked about and it was not necessary. Life was fine without all the god talk.

However at the age of 21 I got married. We were both young. She was 20. She did have some understanding of Christianity and she shared her beliefs with me, but it was not something that controlled our relationship. During our short lived marriage, we visited several non denominational churches. It was good for us. We would go, listen to the sermons, maybe throw a little money in the plate, and then go home. It made us feel like better people. We just figured, hey people grow up, get married, and go to church..right? So we went evey so often. I wasn’t even sure if I believed in god and the church that we ended up going to the most was one of those seeker sensitive churches. I say that because we never really heard the gospel message of how mankind is a bunch of sinners and if we don’t accept god’s loving sacrifice, then we are all going to burn in hell for eternity. Most of the messages at the Baptist church that we were going to focused on the community, children, and how much Jesus loves everyone. What a joke! Especially when the bible teaches predestination for believers. They failed to remind everyone that the bible does not teach “feel good” Christianity, but in fact teaches fundamentalism. Dying to self, spreading the gospel of Christ, suffering persecution for your faith, ect.

My marriage ended in 2002 after some real bumpy roads. It was a very tough time for me, but I still had my connections with the Baptist church that we had been attending. I still was not sure if I believed in god, but I kept my mind open to the possibility. After being separated for about 3 months, I figured that there had to be something more to life, so I started going to church consistently. I started studying a lot on my own. I started studying evolution and religion. Long story short my study led me to believe that there had to be a god. My study also helped me understand the gospel message of christ’s supposed sacrifice.

It was like math at that point, 2+2=4! God existed, god must be revealed through religion, Christianity is the most logical religion..= I “accepted Christ” at my Baptist church. I had absolutely no knowledge of the bible, so I simply trusted what I was being taught. It made since to me, I had faith, and I was excited about it!

I had been a Christian for 3 months and I sold my house and moved in with a Christian friend from church. He was also very passionate about “his faith” and we hit it off. We became some of the most legalistic people I knew. We wanted to be the smartest and best Christians in our church. We studied and talked about things all the time. I had lots of Christian friends and things were great. I had my suspicions and doubts about certain things, but it still made since to me because I believed in god. I could see god’s hand in creation. I had questions about the bible, but I just figured that I was new to the “faith” and that god was going to reveal it to me over time.

Well, time began to tick away. I was loosing interest in work and wanted to know more about the bible. I felt empty inside and I felt that it was because I did not really know god. I would pray and my prayers would go unanswered, so I figured that I was asking for the wrong things. I continued seeking and trying to find god. Some of my favorite speakers were John Piper & Razi Zacharias. Let me say these guys are very convincing!! I know they believe what they are preaching and that is ok with me. I learned a lot from my roommate, who had grown up around Christianity and was getting ready to start seminary. I also learned a lot from other Christian friends and listening to Piper & Zacharias. I would read my bible and some things would make since to me, but other parts bored me and led me to question if Christianity was really logical. I continued pushing through the doubts because I believed in god and Christianity still made more since to me that any of the other world religions.

I continued to loose interest in my job and I found myself trying to “save” people at work. I was always on the internet trying to learn more and debate with my co-workers. At this point I had my doubts, but I still maintained my passion. In June of 04, I went on a mission trip with the high school kids from my church. We went to Quito, Ecuador! I really felt like god wanted me there. I didn’t even care if the plane crashed on the way, because I just believed that everything was in god’s hands. It was a good trip and we met a lot of really great people.
After I got back form the trip I quit my job and enrolled in Bible college. I needed to know more and thought that God had to be calling me to full ministry. So that fall I started bible college.

Bible college got off to a good start, but the doubts really came flying in. They hit me fast and hard!! God really started feeling far away and prayer really sucked. I was seeking answers from professors, but they had nothing. I was beginning to realize that prayer does not work. My studies brought me to a Bible Survey class, which goes though each book of the bible in one semester. As I started getting into the old testament I began to bring up all the questions that I always had, but this time they were front and center and I wanted answers! One of my problems I had always had was that I felt like god owed mankind the death of Jesus on the cross. Think about it. Adam and Eve sinned and man kind was held responsible even though we had no choice? I was born with the nature I have! I am going to do the things that the bible calls sin simply because I am human. So if mankind is a bunch of dirty sinners like the bible says and “god” created me this way, then god is responsible for my sin and he owes me Christ! (We are not sinners, we are only living the way we were created to live and there is no god of the bible!)

I began to think about all the people in the world and how many have never heard of Christ and never will hear of Christ. The bible has yet to be translated in over 6,000 languages and there are over 10,000 people groups who have never even heard of Christ! The bible teaches that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of god. This puts everyone on the hook. Even the people who are not going to hear about Christ. The bible does not teach that people can be saved because they acknowledge the existence of god, but that they must accept Christ as their savior. Would a loving father really not allow some people to have a chance and send them to hell for eternity? I don’t think so! This is the bottom line I live in a country where Christianity is the most common religion and therefore I became a Christian. Had I lived in the middle east I would have become a muslim, ect.

My doubts continued to flourish as we got into the old testament in my bible survey class. I was learning about how god choose the jewish people. So was the rest of the world going to hell because god had not chosen them? I also learned about god’s love and how he ordered the massacre of so many innocent people in the old testament. This is not the god that I was introduced to in my seeker sensitive Baptist church. I became very entangled in my doubts and started investigating the evidence for Jesus and Christianity.

To my surprise I had a hard time finding any evidence that Jesus even existed, let alone be beaten, whipped, crucified, and rise from the dead. Christians will tell you all day that there is plenty of evidence that Jesus existed and that is a flat out lie!! I looked and there isn’t anything out there to prove to me that he was even a real man. I read Case for Christ by Lee Strobel, Evidence that Demands a Verdict by Josh McDowell and I found nothing that was going to take away my doubts. My evidence was beginning to demand a verdict. The jewish historian Josephus that Christians will talk about all the time does not provide any solid evidence. Scholars know that the comments that Josephus made about Jesus had been added by fundamental Christians well after he had written his work. Tacitus the roman historian does not provide any evidence either. Both of these men were not even born until after Jesus was supposedly crucified anyway. So any thing that they say is not an eyewitness account and therefore is completely useless to me.

Others will say what about the Koran? Well what about it? Mohammed was not born until 632AD! That is 600 years after the supposed savior of the world was crucified. 600 years is a long time and Christianity as a religion was beginning to spread very fast. Mohammed had a lot of influence from Christians and jews and to make his religion more believable, he had to mention something about Jesus. However to mention that Jesus was a muslim, a prophet, and will return to set up islam as the world religion is false. Mohammed and his religion suck just like Christianity.

There is so much I could go into, but I do not feel that all this religious talk is really worthy of our time. Christianity at its foundation is illogical and appeals to the emotion of man. It really sucks for the thinking person. It’s hard to have all the fundamental Christians, who check their brains in at the door of faith to tell you that you are wrong. If god created us with brains then we need to use them! Christianity is illogical and the bible is full of contradictions and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out!! O but the bible is from god, it is perfect and without error…We can’t understand it because of the fall. We are sinners and imperfect! Please that is a load of crap! If man is smart enough to make it to the moon, then we are also smart enough to read the bible and see what it really teaches. Then they say well that is where faith comes in..ok, if it’s all about faith let me check my brains in at the door and go believe mormanism, Jehovah’s witnesses, islam, buddasim, Hinduism, ect. It’s all about faith right? I do have faith! I have faith in things that make since. I believe I exist! I believe that there is a creator of some sort, but to believe that we are in his image and that we can have a relationship with him is illogical! Christianity is another man made religion that will gain control of your mind until you can gain control of it! If it was as easy as Christians say it is then god would have made it simple. It’s not simple! Does anyone understand the book of revelation? My professors at school can’t even agree on basic doctrine. Why do you think that there are so many denominations? Because we can’t agree… it is not simple. If god is guiding believers why do they all have different beliefs?

Christianity drove me away from my non Christian family members. I felt distant from everyone accept Christians. I am having a hard time letting go of the thoughts that Christianity has put into my mind. My mind has been caged up and it sucks!
I believe that Christians are being brain washed and most of them are carnal Christians anyway, so they don’t even think of the issues that surround Christianity. Others make a huge assumption that the bible is true and therefore everything needs to be tested against the bible, they are blinded.

I can’t tell you how much I have been hurt by this religion. It did some good, but it has divided me from the world and now I don’t know if I can maintain my Christian friendships. I don’t even know if I want to because most of them are the fundamental brand. I am trying to work on building friendships with the people that I was forced to leave behind when I became a Christian. I got my job back and I am trying to get a normal life back! I did the true fundamental Christian thing. I sought god and I ended up empty!! It sucked the life out of me! I know Christianity works for some people, most of whom were raised in a Christian home or at least had some sort of Christian influence, but for those if us who did not have that association it will be a lot harder to accept the basic principals of Christianity. There are so many issues that can be discussed and we could go on for hours talking about these things.

Where is the healing from this stuff, how can I get back into my normal routine in the world after being filled with all this crap? I am interested in dialoguing after I post this testimony. I went through a lot with religion. I let it put me through a lot. I had Christians that told me I can never get married again. I had some that told me I could. SHIT, even Jesus was confused. In 2 places the supposed jesus says that anyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery. NO EXCPTIONS!! But in Matthew the supposed Jesus says “anyone who divorces his wife and marries another except on the grounds of sexual immorality commits adultery. Come on Jesus, what is it? One contradiction after another in the bible. Why don’t jews believe in the supposed messiah? Because this supposed messiah broke laws that were given by biblegod in the Book of Deuteronomy. There are many other reasons why jews don’t believe in jesus as the messiah, but the main reason is because all this shit is just a hoax anyway. The writers of the bible did a pretty good job in fooling large masses of people, however all religions do that don’t they?

Religion sucks and will ultimately ruin your life. Go with you heart, believe in yourself! Who knows what will happen after this life. Probably nothing. We will cease to exist and will have no memory of this life. I am going to appreciate this life for what it is and seek my own happiness! I believe that there is a god or creator, but that is it. The only way to understand “IT” is to look at what “IT” has made and apart from creation, there is no other “bible” to live by. I know it sounds kind of hopeless now, but I do believe that over time I will be healed from all the religious bullshit that has been implanted in my mind! Yes I am bitter, very bitter!!!


State: Maryland
Country: USA
Became a Christian: 22
Ceased being a Christian: 25
Labels before: Baptist / Non Denominational
Labels now: Open Minded / Deist / Creationist
Why I joined: Lack of Knowledge of Religion & Philosophy (Who wouldn’t want to go to heaven?)
Why I left: Human Logic
Email Address: jpepin2001 at yahoo dot com

Jesus, the World's Biggest Lie

sent in by Ian

I was not born into a Christian home. Quite the contrary. I was born into an abusive household with heroin addicts for parents. My biological father was a Japanese immigrant who was never there, and when he was there, he beat the shit out of me. My biological mother was also guilty of this. It was common place for my mother to burn me with cigarette butts, or to beat me within an inch of my life. My sister was born when I was but 3 years old. Since my biological mother was too busy shooting up dope to take care of us, we usually went without food. Most of the time we wouldn't have electricity. One year later, at the age of 4, after more abuse and hospital visits, the State stepped in and took me and my sister out of the house.

We were bounced from foster home to foster home for a while, and were finally placed in a home with parents that weren't going to beat the shit out of us. I was about 6 at this time. The family my sister and I were staying with were Pentecostals. The kind of "Christians" that jump around as if they're having seizures and speak in tongues. This was my first introduction to "Christianity." And I never totally believed at first.

Well, as a few more years went by, I started to believe, but I was too embarrassed to admit it. It just wasn't "cool" to be "Christian." The brainwashing had begun...

I was around 12 years old, and I'd finally gotten an adoptive placement that I thought would work out. I'd had one previously to that, but the family decided they wanted my sister, and not me. So, this new adoptive placement seemed awesome. The person who wanted to adopt me was a single male "Christian." I thought it would be cool to live there mainly because he had tons of video games, which I figured out later why he had them...

My first visit went well with him, and I had a few more visits, and finally, I moved in. Things went well at first. I started school there, played video games, and pretty much had fun. One day, I went to a friend's house after school and got high for the first time. I liked it. I went home, high as a kite, to find my adoptive "father" waiting for me. He knew I was high, got his gun out, and did something so unspeakable, so heinous, I'll never get over it. Keep in mind that this was a "Christian."

He beat me to the ground, stripped me, and raped me at gunpoint. After he was done, he pulled the trigger. The gun was not loaded. "You ever tell anyone," he said, "I'll make sure this gun is loaded."

I told anyway, and was taken out of that hellhole quicker than shit. I was taken back to my former foster parents who apologized profusely. I didn't talk to anyone for a long time, and had nighmares every night for a year. I was afraid that he was going to come and kill me since I snitched on him. I felt like it was my fault. Everyone told me that there was no way he could come and get me, and I didn't believe them. A year after that tragedy, they told me that he had killed himself the day I was removed from the house. I was so pissed, I didn't talk to anyone for about 3 months.

I had started to have doubts about "Christianity" and its validity. I was afraid to give up on god, I prayed constantly, and I blamed him continually for what had happened.

At the age of 14, I was adopted by a family who I'm still with today (I only talk to my father's side of the family). My ex-adoptive mother (I've disowned her for various reasons) was not a "Christian," nor was my father. I didn't have to go to church, and I felt free. For a while.

It was around this time that I started liking members of the same sex. Of course, I've always had feelings for them as a child, but I didn't understand it, and couldn't label it. I remember as a child, the pastors would preach fire and brimstone to those who are gay or bisexual. They'd always say that to lie with another man as you would a woman is an abomination in the eyes of god, etc., etc. I kept praying to god, asking why he'd send me to hell over something I can't control and something I didn't choose. I never chose to be bisexual. If I had a choice, I'd be 100% straight, just to make my life a little easier.

Well, after enough of that nonsense, I'd pretty much given up on god, and started doing drugs heavily. Drugs filled the void that god could not fill. I started shooting up oxycontin, drinking heavily, and eating pills left and right. I was around 16 at this time.

My drug addiction got so bad, I was sent to a State mental institution for 8 months. I was released on my 18th birthday. I lived in a halfway house, lost god, and got my shit together. For a while.

Then I started back on drugs. I ended up worse than when I had first started. I eventually was sent to a treatment center to get clean and detox. I found god through NA, lost him, and moved back to my hometown.

Until this point, I was still not sure whether there was indeed a god or not, and I wanted so badly to believe. I started to do a "mental spring cleaning," if you will. I analyzed every belief about god I had, and discarded it if it didn't make sense logically. I went through this for about 5 months. When I was finished, the word "god" had no validity in my new understanding of the world. It was no longer in my vocabulary.

Now that I'm free of the chains of "Christianity" that had bound me for so long, I find it easier to stay clean. I've never felt peace while in those chains. Jesus does not bring peace. He brings chaos, hatred, humiliation, and degredation.

Christianity is the world's longest running lie in existence, and I am grateful to be free of it.

City: Kokomo
State: IN
Country: US
Became a Christian: 6 years old
Ceased being a Christian: 16
Labels before: Half-assed Xian
Labels now: Devout Atheist/Secular Humanist
Why I joined: I was forced into it.
Why I left: Because it's total and absolute bullshit.
Email Address: ian at iansite dot com

17 and strung out on confusion

sent in by Cj

I posted a testimony here a while back, but I still feel like I haven't fully left Christianity. I want to but I can't admit to myself that so much of my life was so false and pointless, as well as the people. I miss my Christian friends, and my community, and I want to be accepted and loved by them again, but I don't even think I believe that they are real friends.

Since my deconversion I've been so depressed and insecure. I feel like all my security and hope died when I gave up on Jesus. I believed before that I had a relationship with him, but I just can't believe anymore. I've read endless essays, books and articles on this subject, which just convince me Christianity isn't true, but I so desperately want to believe that it is true.

A couple of months ago I was feeling suicidal and very confused so I thought i'd go back to a Christian group I used to belong to, full of young people like myself. I thought they could help me, inparticular a Youth leader who had influenced my Christian journey immensely. All I wanted was someone to talk to about my questions, and the pain. I took my non-Christian brother with me.

We quickly realised that their behaviour was very cultish and it frightened me to think I ever belonged to it. My brother foolishly sniggered as they were raising their arms in worship, as i comforted a friend who they were praying would change because he was gay. The youth leader told us we could sit in a different room if we didn't want to join in. My friend (a regular at this group) got up and walked to the other room, and me and my brother followed. The youth leader followed us and slammed the door behind her. She sent the other guy out, and accused me and my brother of being a bad influence on him and wrecking her sub culture with our worldly and demonic influence.

I never felt so unworthy, or dirty. I hated myself, and it fuled my anger towards Christians. From that moment on it seemed so clear that Christianity was so completely false,as well as the people. (At this point I started self-harming.) I realised that they didn't care at all, but i want them to. I don't believe but I feel that I need to. I had a phase when I went back again and I joined in all the motions (I can still speak in 'tongues'), just for their aproval, but I still felt like an outsider. Especially after I was told they were disapointed in me.

Shouldn't I be having fun ? I'm so young but I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and there's no letting go. I still hope that Jesus might love me, but I quite honestly believe that is nothing more than Christian propaganda.


Sex: female
State: Devon
Country: England
Became a Christian: 12
Ceased being a Christian: 16
Labels before: pentecostal
Labels now: agnostic
Why I joined: I thought I had experienced God
Why I left: doubts about the Bible

I finally had ENOUGH

sent in by Tim

My name is Tim. This is my de-conversion story. Prepare to be sickened!

One day, my live-in girlfriend (now my wife) suggested we go to this local church she and her family attended in her youth. (she stopped at age 17) It was this church's 25th anniversary and her mother (devout xtian) invited us to the sunday service. (At this point, the only exposure I had to xtianity was a few years of being dragged to services at a seventh-day adventist church twice a month by my grandmother when I was between the ages of 4-7.) At age 30, I knew absolutely nothing about the bible or church. So, I decided why not. Hey, it'll probably score points with my girlfriends mom, right? And maybe it will make me a better person.

So, off we went.

What was coming from the pulpit was unlike anything I had ever heard. In just under an hour, I had the full gospel message preached to me from adam to revelation with conviction , much enthusiasm (holy ghost power!). I met a few seemingly nice people, shook the pastor's hand, and commented on how nice their church was. I was invited to come back again, and departed with some very thought-provoking new "knowledge".

I thought about it for 2 days, and decided it simply must be true-too many people believe for it not to be. Plus, the hellfire preaching had me "convicted" of my "sin".
I accepted christ, and my girlfriend followed suit after much egging on from me.
From there I proceeded to move out of the house until we got married. This put my g/f through hell.

There was a man who was discipling me in the church, and he and a few other men tried to convince me with scripture that it is against god's will for me to marry her, because she was divorced.(another confusing area of scripture!) I didnt listen to them, and we married.

I was struggling with smoking at this time, and was sincere about wanting to quit. At a prayer meeting one thursday night, I told the group of 5 men about my struggle with tobacco. They proceeded to tell me that smoking was sin (the body being "the temple" of the holy spirit and all), and that "god doesnt hear the prayer of a sinner." What happened next stunned me. As the men took turns praying, it came to be my turn, and as I began to say my prayers, they all got up and walked away from me!!! This really had me down in the dumps. I guess my sinfullness was hindering their fellowship with the holy spirit. I felt like a piece of shit. Needless to say, that was my last time in a prayer group. I wasnt seeing the power of the holy spirit active in any area of my life like the sermons boldly claim and the bible PROMISES.

As time went on, I began to see people doing some seriously craaaazy shit. Flopping around on the floor, speaking baby babble, shouting at the supposed demons inside those being prayed for at the altar call, people "prophesying" to the congregation, and people shaking as though they were being electrocuted in a puddle of water. Curiously, the sick were never healed, the storehouse was not opened and blessings did not pour out from all of our tithing. And people still had the same afflictions week after week. One time, I hesitantly allowed a group to lay hands on me and "pray for me", you know, tongues and all that. After they noticed that I wasn't falling down and babbling in tongues, the man directly in front of me was trying to push me down backwards!! I guess he was just trying to help the spirit slay me. What a nice fellow.

God is good, eh?

Thats when the bullshit meter started to go off the chart.

I was looking around at what goes on in my "spirit-filled" church, with the people flopping and babbling and moaning and shaking and crying and saying to myself "is not god the author of confusion?"

And to top all of it off, I could get no satisfying answers to my questions (they call them sinful doubts) even from the pastors and elders. I was told not to read the bible to try to find problems, that was a sin.
My faith was slowly slipping away.......

Finally I just said piss on all my confusion and doubt..............and gave up.
No more of this backwards-ass, hypocritical, contradictory, mythical bullshit ANY MORE!

But see, now that I realize Iv'e been duped and even betrayed by this false belief system, the fact that my wife won't open her eyes and see what iv'e seen, is going to allow for the label of "backslidden heathen" to be heaped upon me, and eventually put my wife at odds in some way with the church she has faith in or the friends she has made there.

This feeling of release is tremendous, but at the same time theres my wife, who still has faith in this garbage.

How many humble and totally selfless prayers offered up to and ignored by the imaginary skydaddy does it take for the average person to finally throw in the towel and say FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!

I'll give you a hint:
too damn many.

Thanks, webmaster for giving me an outlet to vent, and I welcome all e-mails, questions and comments, except from those wishing to preach. Save it for the "brethren". They need it much more than I.

City: Elmira
State: NY
Country: USA
Became a Christian: 30
Ceased being a Christian: 32
Labels before: Assemblies of god
Labels now: Pissed off, possibly Agnostic?
Why I joined: Because i was stupid and jumped right in without checking it out first
Why I left: Because when I finally did check it out, it was BULLSHIT!
Email Address: elpoeta at dmailman dot com

Egg on my face

sent in by Riley J


I was born into Mormonism. My mother’s parents were Jehovah’s Witnesses. My mother was disowned for turning to Mormonism after leaving an abusive home. I’m not sure if she was abused or not. People make up those things to get pity or demonize others for not getting love. My parents were never there for me. They were never there for themselves as a matter of fact. They have never had any expectation for themselves. When I was five, I woke in the middle of the night after a nightmare and told my mother I did not want to go to hell. She has no answers for me. She said to go back to bed. I knew from that day on my parents didn’t know shit. My non-active Mormon parents always perpetuated the Mormon belief, by never went to church much. The missionaries would come to the house while my parents were gone somewhere and search for coffee and cigs.

Fast forwarding to High School. I found myself trying to get more involved in the Moron church when I was 18. My parents never went much. My grandparents started to get involved then too. My grandfather is what they call the keeper of the storage house. I think that’s like the “GateKeeper” on Ghostbusters. Or maybe it’s food for disasters. I was behind in school because I was a lazy Mormon who moved a lot because my father was in the military. My parents were lazy too. They did not graduate HS. I was learning from them. Again, I knew I wanted higher standards. I tried to go out for sports and be a part of society. I wanted acceptance like everyone else. My parents told me I should not care what people think and continue to be a ragbag. Since my parents had a no aspirations, I was expected to have none either.


I found myself in a summer job at 18 after my Junior year. They had a group called Campus Crusade for Christ where I worked. They were waiting at the door step when I arrived. An attractive girl told me that Jesus loves me and that all other churches are cults. She said Jesus is like Coke “Jesus is it!”. The girl looked good to me so I listened. She seemed to accept me like no other person ever did. She told me that other churches were false profits. I later found myself willing to listen. I knew Mormons were full of shit already. She got me at Hello. But after I converted, she got married and forgot about me.


I starting learning scriptures out of context like 99% of Christians. I used scriptures like:
Proverbs 3:5&6; Jer. 29:11; and other fuzzy feeling scriptures. I tried to convert everyone in the Army. I was a serious hardcore Christian. It seemed like I was the only Christian on the face of the earth in Army. I was always hit and cussed by other soldiers. I was told that is because I am a son of god. I was self-righteous and made half-way Christians mad. Funny how all the half-way Christians now try to convert me back to the fold. I moved to Atlanta after 5 years as a Christian. I had completed my psychological self-victimization by that time. I felt everyone who did not agree with me was going straight to hell. I felt like everyone was hurting me. I know now that I grew up soft-hearted and never wanted to hurt anyone because I hated to get hurt myself. I had not caught up with rest of the world on the thought that you have to forgive others because we hurt each other anyway. I realize that we all have different tastes for pain. For instance, my parents always lied to me. I now hate lying. But lying is a big part of our society. Lying and chaos have a big payoff for those who create it. You see this in marketing, relationships, politics and religion. Broken promises. God promises me a lot of shit in the bible and he’s not come through. Ask and it shall be given. Follow me and I will bless you. I promise you life and promise abundance. Man should not be alone. I have a plan for you. Give tithe and I will reward you. All broken promises. This god lacks clarification. This god lacks faith in me. He wants my faith. I want his too.

I stood back as a Christian and waited as god asked me to. I did not go to college because god said to seek his kingdome first and all would be added to me. Bullshit. I did that without lacking faith for 15 years. I served overseas for god in missions. I did everything I could to convert stupid people. I even lied like all Christians because I thought lying was Ok as long as I get converts.


I have started the last two years realizing that Christianity is just mental. God is nothing but the unconscience. Clear you self-evolving sex-crazed mind and you can do shit that seems like god. Christians have their PAT phrases for every little whim. If they read the whole bible, they would see its non-sense. They love to say “I’ll pray for you”. That works on people who want to believe it’s true and are having problems and doubts. If someone tells you they are praying for you, you start looking remedy because you feel relief and you believe help is on its way. John Kerry said that too. John Kerry is like Jesus in that he said “I have a plan for you”. Also, the plan is never revealed by JK or JC.

Jesus said to his peeps that he would be back in the same generation and that would be soon. 2000 years is not soon. A Christian will say that 1000 years on earth is 1 day in heaven. What a crock. Christians use what is convenient because they can’t think for themselves. Christians use the 1 day-1000 years when it’s convenient for the conversation. Jesus said he would rise in 3 day. Is that 3 heavenly days? That is 3000 years on earth.

Christianity has changed before my eyes. The Christ peeps tell me to now look at the church peeps, but when I was being converted they told me to look at the church peeps. They said “look at me, I am joyful and you are just happy.” There is a difference. I was joyful too when I thought there was a heaven and I was not dying. If you turn over all responsibility to daddy in the sky you feel like you have no worries. That is the placebo. You are in lala land. Give credit to big daddy when it goes right and the devil when it’s wrong. Christians are hi-jacked. If they leave, the church community will say you out sinning. You know this because the preacher is telling you every week about your friends who backslid this week. That proves the god is you and the church. As long as you go to church it’s ok. You can’t have god outside of going to church. As long as you go church, you can have all the sex you want. I know this because I sat back in churches for 15 years watching people repent of Saturday’s escapade on Sunday morning.

Why is that mostly ugly people are in church? They have no friends? Why are only the ugliest people in church some how get called to be single for life in their 40’s? Why was it when god called me to ministry that I could not do ministry because I was not a member long enough? Did the church stop god? As a southern Baptist in GA I was told that I should pray about what church to go to? If this is so, why is god leading white people to white churches and blacks to black churches? Is god still racist like back in the day when Christians said god does not allow blacks in white areas? It’s funny how blacks love the white Jesus so much. They use to be in tribes and had their own idea of belief and traditions. Their ancestors were kidnapped for slavery by the mighty whity and given the only religion that is righty. They claim those were people and not god. What a cop out. That is what I call the bait and switch or what I call the horizontal and vertical. This is where Christians tell you to look at them and their so-called bless lives. They say they are good and that’s proof of god. God is in them. In their hearts. What part of the brain is the heart? By the way, if the brain is where all our memories are stored and we die, our brain is dead. How can we be judged for our past thoughts when we are brain dead? Dead is dead. Let me guess, our thoughts are in our soul. What soul? That leads me to the incredulous woman of Christianity. Why is that woman use to be inferior to men under god and now they are not. Same as the blacks I mentioned. What’s up the Spanish inquisition? Christians killing non-converts. The only thing different these days in Christianity from the world is that they are one step behind from our worldly morality. They preach about not having sex and getting married first. Funny how sex is natural and marriage is not, but Christianity is ass-backwards on that. They should admit that Christianity is a concoction made up by constintin to stop us from acting like apes. They needed to get us in line. They voted on the books in the bible and left out the parts about marry and Jesus having kids.

Why was if wrong to listen to music back in the day? Now that Christian music is cashing in, it’s Ok. Why do woman show their cleavage in church now. I thought that was wrong? What about those mini-skirts? Why does Creflo Dollar want my W-2 to join the church in Georgia? Why can’t I talk Charles Stanley? Why does Johnny Hunt think drinking alcohol is kissing the devils lips? Those damn preachas.

I use watch the few attractive girls in church. I check out their butts all time. They are so succulent. I use to get shot down all the time by the woman in church because I was not what they thought was a great sprite leader. I mean spirit leader. That translates into they want the guy with most money. The best looking. The guy with the best confidence like in the real world. The stupidest thing about strong confidence is that it’s fake. It has no substance.

I use follow the scripture about being equally yoked, but that was egg on my face. I wanted to walk on water for Jesus, but walked on egg shells instead. The last time I went to church this girl told me that she prayed and god told her not to date me. I had prayed and god told me we should date and that we would be having sex soon. I was kidding about the last part. I know all single Christians have sex. But it’s OK as long as you go to church. I tried going back to church, but threw up literally. I could never step back in church again. I came to realize that it’s all bullshit. Christians are really agnostic emotional relativists. They all believe in something that they feel and it’s based on what they feel. No two Christians have the same exact believe. If the same god is talking to them in a personal relationship, why are they all doing different things? Most Christians think god has pre-ordained them to marry someone specifically. The soul mate they call it. Why do so many professing Christians get divorced if god has a plan for them that is pre-ordained before time? If god knows the number of hair on your hair, why do you use propecia? Why are Christians so caught up in politics? They are supposed to be separate from the world. Why do they take jobs from the Gov’t? The Gov’t approves of abortion. It’s legal. Why do Christians make so much money and live lavishly? Jesus said to sell all you have follow him. It’s easier for a camel to get into heaven than you to pass a need through your butt. Don’t quote me on the last one. It may not be totally accurate. It depends on all the interpitations that men read that several men quoted that other men translated that other men wrote that other men wrote that men said that Jesus said. Jesus did not write one word in the bible. The red letters are to make is seem like his blood and that he said it. God was created in man’s image.

Churches claim to have the Truth. Truth does not change my friend. The bible says god never changes, but according to your conversation with him, he does. Christians always use the word “faith” as their last word when they are too stupid to answer a question. I don’t ask question because I want to believe or proof, it’s because I am trying to save you from your own disillusion. Jesus is dead just like your faith. Don’t be scared of death. You will just cease to exist. There is no heaven or hell. You will not meet 5 people in heaven. Funny how there are few scriptures about heaven, but long books about it. Christianity is just a pass-me-down value. You only believe because you don’t want to disappoint the church or mom and pops.

Sex: Male
City: Washington
State: DC
Country: US
Became a Christian: Born into mormonism; born again at 20.
Ceased being a Christian: 31
Labels before: Mormon and southern badtist
Labels now: borderline agnostic/athiest
Why I joined: I wanted acceptance and truth
Why I left: I could not get acceptance and I proved the bible to be bullshit.
Email Address: riley_jensen at yahoo dot com

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