I'm leaving; but I'm missing it

sent in by anonymous

I became a Christian when I was five. I recently turned 30 and am trying to finally leave it...and all of the happy fake people. But I'm struggling; not because I miss church, or miss the people; I don't miss the guilt and the confusion, or feeling terrible about simple things, like loving hip-hop or dancing or trying to figure out how to have a balanced view about sexuality. I miss, miss, miss God. I miss looking out at the mountains or the sun and feeling connected with some being that orders it. I miss the idea of someone who invented love, and could do it better than parents or people. The strange thing is that I've met more Christians that are dysfunctional, have no connections to reality, are closed people than not.

I don't want to be bitter; feeling that Christianity fails you is like feeling betrayed -- I understand the bitterness and anger. Feeling vulnerable, opening up your heart and spending years involved in something that doesn't seem to hold water. But there are things that are so beautiful -- a heaven where all the tears are wiped away; perfect love casts out fear; if there is a God, a real, real God wouldn't he inspire those words? But he would love people and Jews and homosexuals too. Anyway, I guess as is obvious, I'm not quite done with it. And I have to live in reality. And if he's real, he will show me, he will talk to me; and tell me how all of this apparant evil has come with the name of Christianity branded all over it; if he's not, I hope I get over losing him.

Ceased being a Christian: 28
Labels before: Christian
Labels now: Spiritual but not religious
Why I joined: Family
Why I left: Unanswered prayers; fake people; unhealthy environment

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