17 and strung out on confusion

sent in by Cj

I posted a testimony here a while back, but I still feel like I haven't fully left Christianity. I want to but I can't admit to myself that so much of my life was so false and pointless, as well as the people. I miss my Christian friends, and my community, and I want to be accepted and loved by them again, but I don't even think I believe that they are real friends.

Since my deconversion I've been so depressed and insecure. I feel like all my security and hope died when I gave up on Jesus. I believed before that I had a relationship with him, but I just can't believe anymore. I've read endless essays, books and articles on this subject, which just convince me Christianity isn't true, but I so desperately want to believe that it is true.

A couple of months ago I was feeling suicidal and very confused so I thought i'd go back to a Christian group I used to belong to, full of young people like myself. I thought they could help me, inparticular a Youth leader who had influenced my Christian journey immensely. All I wanted was someone to talk to about my questions, and the pain. I took my non-Christian brother with me.

We quickly realised that their behaviour was very cultish and it frightened me to think I ever belonged to it. My brother foolishly sniggered as they were raising their arms in worship, as i comforted a friend who they were praying would change because he was gay. The youth leader told us we could sit in a different room if we didn't want to join in. My friend (a regular at this group) got up and walked to the other room, and me and my brother followed. The youth leader followed us and slammed the door behind her. She sent the other guy out, and accused me and my brother of being a bad influence on him and wrecking her sub culture with our worldly and demonic influence.

I never felt so unworthy, or dirty. I hated myself, and it fuled my anger towards Christians. From that moment on it seemed so clear that Christianity was so completely false,as well as the people. (At this point I started self-harming.) I realised that they didn't care at all, but i want them to. I don't believe but I feel that I need to. I had a phase when I went back again and I joined in all the motions (I can still speak in 'tongues'), just for their aproval, but I still felt like an outsider. Especially after I was told they were disapointed in me.

Shouldn't I be having fun ? I'm so young but I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and there's no letting go. I still hope that Jesus might love me, but I quite honestly believe that is nothing more than Christian propaganda.


Sex: female
State: Devon
Country: England
Became a Christian: 12
Ceased being a Christian: 16
Labels before: pentecostal
Labels now: agnostic
Why I joined: I thought I had experienced God
Why I left: doubts about the Bible

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