Acquaintances, family and friends are often miffed as to why I just walked away from the ministry. Why retire, I am often asked. Surely there’s a Church somewhere for you to pastor? Surely you still “want” to pastor? If God called you how can you walk away from his calling?
Good questions and quite frankly I have more questions these days than I do answers. What follows is an attempt by me to shed some light on the “why” question.
Why did I retire from the ministry?
- I retired because the word retire is a better word than quit. I don’t want to be known as a quitter. I was told my whole life by my peers that God hates quitters. I can still hear the scathing words of Tom Malone and Jack Hyles ringing in my ears as they skin quitters alive in their sermons. So I use the word retire but truth be told I have just plain quit.
- For health reasons. I have fibromyalgia. I am in constant pain. Last year I was tested for MS and the tests were inconclusive. I have numbness in my face , hands, and legs. My doctor ruefully told me that he is uncertain as to what my actual neurological problem is. I’ll just have to wait to see what “breaks.” I am a type A, perfectionist work-a-holic. I worked myself into a physical collapse thinking all the while that anyone cared how hard I worked. God didn’t and neither did the people I pastored.
- For family reasons. I sacrificed my family and my marriage for a mistress called the Church. I lived for the Church. I was willing to die for the Church. I worked long hours for lousy pay. I allowed my family and my wife to become an appendage to the work I was doing. They were the default clean-up, tear down crew and did all the jobs no one else wanted to do. Our family was so wrapped up in the Church that we lost our self-identity. I want my children to know me for more than just being a pastor. I want my wife to have a husband who doesn’t always put her second to the Church. Whoever said “you must sacrifice your family for the sake of your calling” is not only wrong but also a destroyer of families. If there is one thing I have learned it is that family comes first.
- Changing theology. My theology is undergoing a complete and through overhaul. I am not the Fundamentalist Baptist that started out in the ministry so many years ago. I have become progressive in my thinking and I identify with more liberal causes and beliefs. I am not the man I once was but neither am I the man I want to me. As my friend Tammy Schoch told me recently “it is normal in mid-age to revaluate one’s beliefs and to readjust or change your beliefs accordingly.”
- Thomas Merton and Wendell Berry. These two writers have fundamentally changed how I look at the world and how I view my place in it. I have come to realize that I spent most of my adult life wasting my time with a religion that made no difference in the world I live and a religion I have increasingly come to believe doesn’t do much to prepare us for the next life either.
- The meaninglessness of vast parts of American Christianity. I have come to realize that most of what we do in Christianity doesn’t amount to much of anything. We seem to spend most of our time and effort making sure we have things to spend most of our time and effort on. We collect money so we can spend the money so we can collect money so we can spend the money…..It seems that much of our work is simply done to keep the Titanic floating . Little progress is made in truly making a difference in the world.
- Changing understanding of the Bible. I started out the ministry as a King James Only, every word is inerrant believer. I have come to understand that such a belief is not only unsustainable theologically but absolutely irrational. I no longer use the Bible as a science or history textbook and I no longer need to read any particular systematic theology into the text in order to enjoy reading the Bible. I simply enjoy reading the Biblical narrative for its own sake. It now speaks to me in ways I never thought possible.
- Meeting people of other religious faiths or no faith at all. I was blessed with Catholic daughter-in-laws. They forced my to come to terms with my deep-seated hatred for any religion but my own. As you well know we as Baptists hate Catholics. The big change for me was when I attended a Midnight Christmas mass with my wife and some of our children. What a beautiful and powerful service. It shook my bigoted bones right down to my core.
- Gandhi. Gandhi showed me the way of peace, of non-violent resistance. Of course according to my Baptist beliefs Gandhi is burning in hell right at this moment. I no longer believe that and I do not believe such vengeful hate by God is consistent with His love and mercy. I have abandoned the classic Baptist understanding of hell and I believe in annihilation. My beliefs are becoming more and more universalist as I go along. I will leave it to God to sort out the “who is in and who is not”.
- For mental health reasons. I came to the realization that I was was full of fear and regret. I feared God and I regretted wasting my life serving a deity I only served out of fear. No matter how perfect I was, no matter how much I did, I simply couldn’t meet God’s (or men who spoke for God) standard. I despaired for my life. I have since been introduced to a God who loves and has mercy and who does not use fear in his dealings with his children.
- For my kids and grandkids. I want to know my kids and grandkids. I want to be more than just a religious guru to them. I want to be able to enjoy THIS life with them without everything revolving around the NEXT life. I struggle with the “dad doesn’t go to Church any more”……….but I hope in time I can have a relationship with my kids and grandkids that doesn’t have to revolve around religion. Yes, I still want to talk about God, but I also want to enjoy the day to day things of life and I want to share those things with my kids and grandkids.
- Guilt. This is the biggest problem I face. Guilt over how I have lived my life, how I wasted my life, and how I hurt my family. I am sure some pious soul is going to tell me “Get over it and move on with life.” I wish I could but I can’t . Until I can come to terms with the past 30 or 40 years I can not move forward from here. I am sure my wife is tired of me living in 1985 or 1994 but I must resolve the issues that plague me before I can move forward. I am making progress in this area and I plan to start on a book in the New Year titled “From Eternity to Here” . Several people I respect greatly have suggested that writing a book might be the cathartic I need to move my life forward.
- I simply don’t want to be in the ministry any more. I have no desire for it and I do not want to give the requisite time necessary to be a “good” pastor. I believe I still have good teaching skills and I have a sincere desire to be a help to others but I do not want to exercise my gifts in a traditional Church setting. I have wasted enough time already and I don’t want to waste any more.
I could pastor a Church tomorrow if I wanted to. Thousands of Churches are without pastors. Most of them don’t deserve to have another pastor. They have chewed up and spit on the previous 20 pastors and they will do the same to the next one. Quite frankly many Churches just need to die. As I look back at how willing I was to sacrifice so small Churches could have a “full time” pastor I am ashamed of myself. Living on food stamps and my kids wearing hand-me-down clothes all so people could say “we have a pastor and he has kids” The most I ever made in the ministry, counting housing,salary and reimbursements, was 26,000.00. While everyone one else progressed economically my family was supposed to settle for welfare wages and a chicken or two. I never had the Church (any Church) on their own volition offer a raise to me. I had to ask, and most often plead and beg. I saw their cars and houses. I saw their material stores and yet I was just supposed to sing “Oh how I love Jesus, thank you for keeping me poor.”
The most prosperous times of my life came when I was bi-vocational. I managed restaurants, sold insurance, delivered newspapers. In retrospect I should have always been bi-vocational. I should not have allowed the Church to keep me poor. My problem was that I could never do anything half-way. I still can’t. So while I worked a full-time secular job, I also worked the Church job full-time. I often worked 60 or 70 hours a week, rarely taking a day off. Vacations? We only took them if I was preaching a conference somewhere. Dates with my wife? Only if it was a Church outing.
I realize some of this sounds like the grousing of a bitter old man. I shall plead guilty on that charge. I am bitter at times, and as the Dixie Chicks said “I am not ready to make nice”. I fully accept my own culpability in the affairs of my life. I write for the sake of my family and for the sake of my own mental health. I also write as a warning to young pastors who are tempted to take the same path I did.
I will stop writing with the sharing of the biggest breakthrough in my life over the past few months. I spent my life “living for Jesus and Living for Others.” I bought into the mantra of Jesus First, Others Second, and Bruce doesn’t matter.(JOB) I spent far too much time worrying about what others thought of me, of how they viewed my ministry and my family.
My big breakthrough is pretty simple……….I have come to the place where I don’t give a shit what others think about me or what I believe. I don’t give a shit that you are upset that I wrote the word shit. :) I simply don’t care. Things matter to me……….but what someone thinks of me personally or what they think of my beliefs………I don’t care. It has been liberating to be delivered from the judgments of others.
Have you said WOW yet? I heard you! 
That’s me………always moving, until the heart stops beating.
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