sent in by Sandy
My parents were Christian, my grandparents were Christian, everyone a Christian. However, my Christian parents divorced when I was five and my mother married an agnostic. I still went to church occassionally off and on throughout my early childhood, teenage years and twenties. At age 30 I got serious and wanted to truly live a life pleasing to God.
The road from there was hard. I started noticing at first the NT laws that were being broken by just about every single Christian I knew. They were watching evil movies, living the greedy life, some were snobby backstabbers, but yet claimed their love for God/Jesus. When I would, in a loving and gentle way, point out that God says right here that it is NOT okay to do these things, I would be immediately given one or all of the following speaches..."You are bordering on legalism, God doesn't expect us to be perfect, all sin and fall short of the glory of God!" Being OBEDIENT is LEGALISTIC??? I was doing this out of love with pure concern for the souls of my Christian friends. I did not want to do that to God because I knew in my heart that it was wrong. That caused me many tears and I bible thumped my husband and children for five years, and one man wouldn't let me discuss the bible truths with his wife. He had I butted heads many times.
I noticed teachings in the NT that were being yanked from context. Speaking in tongues was a major one. People would speak them in church, our children were taught tongues in the childrens area, etc. A light bulb went off but I just decided to accept the teaching anyway because everyone knew better than me. We were given the "tithe" threat several times throughout the five years at this Charismatic Church, no different than there Christian Network idols. When I piped up about that, I was given the boot and angered many. Why were people getting angry when my question was this "If the "law" is abolished, why do we tithe but not do Sabbath or Holy Days or the meat laws?" My pastor threw out the infamous Galatians cop-out "Who has bewitched you." I left his office not satisfied and heartbroken. Why is everyone mad at me for wanting to be obedient to God?
Then I came across Messianic Judaism and they still obeyed OT laws. At first I tried to save them because after all, Paul says the OT Laws are done with. What happened was the Messianics, "saved" me from years of false teachings. I started hating going to my church. Everytime the pastor spoke I was sitting there in judgement of every thing that came out of his mouth. Oh, don't get me wrong, he was a kind and loving man, I don't believe any of this was on purpose, it has been engrained in all of his teachings. The next step on my road was questioning the Trinity, I then found Monotheistic Messianics who blew holes all over the Trinity teaching. I was devasted, now I was worried sick about going to hell because I've been worshipping Jesus, and Christianity was the mark of the Beast! Sleepless nights haunted me, I cried and cried and cried. But, aren't I suppose to be joyful?
My heart was set on being God pleasing, not because someone forced me but because I "truly" loved him and wanted to honor him. We stopped Christmas, Easter, etc., all to please God, we even started Sabbath keeping and minor meat laws. Then, all of a sudden, all the biblical mistakes, errors, fallacies came shining through like never before. I searched for apologetic answers with tears in my eyes, "This cannot be, I'm to stupid to understand the Bible, these people have to be right." But they weren't, and I'm not stupid, the Bible says what it says. I started seeing that it was not that far a stretch to say that the Bible had been corrupted over all these years, especially in the NT and especially by the Catholic Church.
After all of that I still sought God, but my love and trust in him was truly fading. I then sat and read the Bible and was HORRIFIED at the OT teachings and what God asked the Israelites to do to others. God allowed women children to be raped (What ELSE are they going to be used for and how did they know they were virgins?) Why were all the little boys killed? I couldn't help but look at my own children and children of people who aren't believers with tears in my eyes, being choked up and hurting. What kind of ALL loving, all powerful God is this?!? He is no different than the god of Islam (which is the God of Abraham). The recycled prophecies describe in complete detail what will happen to unbelievers; "pregnant women's bellies being RIPPED open", "children being DASHED to pieces before the eyes of their parents" where on earth is the love there? What kind of God COMMANDS his followers to do this? I was just horrified.
Please, Christians. Don't tell me I was never saved, if anyone was "in the spirit" it was me. Don't tell me that that was the Old Testament because without the Old Testament there is no Christianity. The Old Testament describes your cold-blooded and evil God. What God would command his followers to be loving, patient, have the fruits of the spirit but not himself? A hypocritical one, that's who. Please, really one needs only look at two things, just two to realize that the bible god is a hypocrite. He requires his followers not to be jealous/envious but one of his commands is "The Lord thy God is a jealous god, and you shall have no gods before me." If there are no other gods, why is god jealous. He says there are other gods so either you believe him, or you don't, OR you are a christian who doesn't believe everything in the bible.
I titled this "How Children Believe...Scary but eye opening" because of the following that happened with my 7yo dd. (who has been a Christian since age 2) I told her that the Bible has many mistakes, and I believe that man corrupted it. I told her I believe in a higher power but that he/she is revealed in nature and not in anyones book. Do you know what she said? This little girl who draws "I love Jesus" pictures on a regular basis? She said, "Mommy, I believe WHATEVER you believe!" That terrifies me, because as parents, you can teach them whatever and they would believe it. That is how I see all religions. I started my children down that path but now my eyes are opening and the doubt is gone. Freedom came with my daughters statement because I realized how easy it is to just "believe" because someone has told you to. Not to mention the fear of hell hanging over you.
Well, I've ranted long enough.
How old were you when you became a christian? 0
How old were you when you ceased being a christian? 35
What churches or organizations or labels have applied to you? Fundamentalist baptist, Fundamentalist Charismatice, Messianic Beliver
What labels, if any, would you apply to yourself now? Deist
Why did you become a christian? Indoctrinated at birth
Why did you de-convert? Actually studied and read the Bible without someone telling me what it "really means"
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