To Shiver in the Howling of the Night

sent in by Richard

Long ago I can remember a place in my life when I was happy and content with who I was and what my life was all about. I can remember having the warm, peaceful feeling in my life that religions of all forms promise when they tell you that they have something surreal and otherworldly to offer. I can remember, as a child being ecstatic to wake up and go to church because of Jesus what I could learn to be more like him. That was then, when troubles seemed to be a world away and life was truly an adventure.

Now as I sit here and write to those whom take enough pity on me to read this I tell you of a completely different me. As a child I was a valiant Christian. I was on fire. I felt deeply that there was a plan for my life and that I was going to make a difference for the sake of the kingdom of God. I can remember going to visitation on Saturday mornings and knocking on the doors of perfect strangers and try my hardest to get them to commit to Jesus and give thier sinful life up for God. On Sundays I would go and listen to the Pastor give a sermon and would proceed to go after that to a restaurant and eat with my fellow brothers in Christ and debate the merits of the days sermon. All was good in a life that could not have been more perfect.

I do not remember the circumstances of the change. I can only remember the day I opened my eyes to what I really was. I can remember thinking about all the sermons that were preached and noticed that they all had threads of control running through them. When simmered down to their true content I discovered that all the messages revolved around giving of your time, money, or personal property to the church. And while we were told about the great Christian martyrs of the world I made a shocking discovery: People from other religions have died for their beliefs just as much, if not much more than Christians. I also discovered that there were other religions that sent out missionaries, not just Baptists. And then I began to wonder what made us Christians so much better. I soon found out that it was nothing. I was taught to blindly accept that our religion was better than all the others because it just was. I was taught that our book of holy scripture was superior to all the other books of holy scripture because it, again, just was.

I can remember staying up at night in fear. the fear that I had been programmed to know only Christianity, and nothing else. And if I left it I would literally be giving up my entire life. Yet I also knew that I could not live a life unless I one hundred percent believed in it. I began to do further in depth thinking. How did I know that our pastor was appointed by God? How could I be for sure that what looked fishy was really the will of God and not something done through politics and the good ol boy system? How did I know that things like cussing, sex before marriage, and drinking wrere actually wrong when they are nowhere mentioned in the Bible? How did I know that, as Christians say, every single contradiction in the bible is perfectly explainable? Was I to trust the very men that displayed anger and made accusations of being rebellious against god when I would ask these questions?

I could write a multi volume set of books on the atrocities involved in the modern day church from experiencing a lifetime of them. Yet when I stopped taking people at face value and saw them for who they were it was very clear to me that no God out there could claim to love a person so much and then allow such evil people into the church. The Christians will tell you that they are wolves in sheeps clothing as the bible speaks of. Yet when the people that god has supposedly appointed over the church say one thing, and do another depending on how it will personally benefit them, not much can be said about it except,maybe it is all a bunch of bullshit. The problem I faced with the Christians is that there is supposedly a god who has the power to create the universe from speaking in a matter of seven days. this is a God who can tell Noah to build an Ark and part the Sea for Moses. A God who can pull chariots in the sky and convert a murderer of Christians into the greatest missionary ever to exist on the face of the earth. A god who would send his son to do miracles, die on the cross, and ultimately raise again after three days. Yet he cannot keep even the most simple of dirty heathens out of his temple of worship? especially those whom are supposedly appointed by him? He cannot speak to us voice to voice anymore? Instead we are instructed to listen to man? the very same man that directly disobeyed god in the garden for selfish pleasure? Does this sound normal to you?

I could not deal with my life being a two faced backstabbing lie anymore. I knew that if I left I would be giving up my whole life. All my friends were members of the church. I am sure that some of you reading understand how quickly they turn their back on you when you are not doing what is "church approved" anymore. In many ways I gave up my family because my relationship with them has declined for the much worse since I left. I have come to an impassable revelation in my life: I am a mid twenties man that has not even an inkling of "who' I am. All I know is what the church said I was. I feel robbed of much of my life. I cannot get back the years that were taken from me for the selfish pleasure of heathenistic men who have made the words of the bible twist into whatever suits them at the time. I am stricken with anger. Thirty percent of my life is over and I never got to live it. I am doing now what I should have been doing as a kid. I am way behind in my awareness of what, or who, I am.

I have left the church. It took me mere minutes to determine that religion is the ultimate hoax of man, yet years to work up the nerve to give it up and actually start finding myself, aside from what all the political Christians said I was. Some people say that I wrote this to blow off steam. Possibly. Others said that it is somehow allowing me to express my inner child. I think that is bullshit personally, but maybe they are both true. All I know is that I have entered into a very cold trundra in my life. A place where I, albeit temporarily, am alone. And the chill, the cold, the wind and hair raising thought of being utterly and completely by myself is overwhelming. Yet in a very wierd and unexplainable fashion, I would not have it any other way. In a surreal way I feel that I am finally free. And it is better to be free and alone, than in a multitude of friends with an agenda and stipulations. To those reading I only ask that you wish me the best as I start my new life . Thanks for understanding and reading. May common sense and the truth continue to free those whom may be trying to find the avenue of escape from the organization of religion.

Saint Joseph
United States
Joined: nine years of age
Left: nineteen
Was: Independent Baptist
Now: Agnostic
Converted because: Belief in a loving god
De-converted because: belief in the evil of man

Pageviews this week: