Losing My Religion

sent in by Cindy

I was raised in a strict Southern Baptist family. Being Baptists they of course had very stanch views on everything, nothing escaped the judging eyes of their religion. Not even my personal issues were safe from their prying eyes. As a result I gladly strayed from the church and my views changed dramatically.

I attended church like a good little girl every Sunday. I prayed, listened to Christian music, and did missionary work. Every Sunday I would listen gratefully to the sermons and feel like that was the absolute truth.

There was one sermon in particular that really stuck with me. The sermon was about the "Evils" of homosexuality and how they are "Sinners" and deserve the "Fires of Hell." This sermon stuck with me in such a way that it made me fear the homosexual lifestyle. I refused to befriend them or to even acknowledge them. I practically hated them and their sin.

To my dismay one Sunday I was sitting in church minding my own when a gorgeous girl walked in. My heart began to race and I couldn't keep my eyes off her. I was attracted to her. I couldn't believe it, so I ignored it. I went home and prayed for my earlier "sin" to be forgiven.

These feelings for girls continued to haunt my mind everywhere I went. I was a "Sinner" as far as I could tell at the time and I was going to go to "Hell." I didn't dare speak to anyone about these feelings for fear my horrible secret would be revealed.

One day at school in my English class there was a discussion on gay marriage. They all seemed to unanimously agree that gays had the right to marry one another. I was appalled how could people be so misguided. Slowly as the discussion progressed I began to listen and as I listened something in my mind clicked.

That day I was sitting alone on the computer looking at a Gay Rights website and I began to think. Homosexuals can't help the way they are and any compassionate form of God would realize that.

Next Sunday the Pastor announced that the next four Sundays would be lessons on the evils of homosexuals. I sat through the first lesson and grew more annoyed. How could they hate them so much? They always talk about love and understanding but they never bothered to understand homosexuals.

After church I told my dad my horrible secret, that I am one of the people with a unique sexual preference, a sinner in their minds. I asked my dad if I could stop going to church because I am sick of the hatred, he refused.

The next Sunday I was sitting quietly and the pastor was ranting on about how these sinners will go to hell. I sat there patiently and waited him to finish his ridiculous speech. He finally prayed and it was over with and I could leave.

Just as I was walking out a rather self-righteous group of teenagers came up to me. They felt it was their Christian duty to tell me that I was a sinner and that my dad told them everything. They continued ruthlessly, telling me what awful punishments I had in store.

Finally I couldn't take it I ran away crying so hard my head hurt. I ran away from the church and have never gone back. What I thought was perfect was merely misguided mind-set that was ruthlessly pounded into my head.


Your State AZ
Your Country USA
How old were you when you became a Christian? 4 or 5
How old were you when you ceased being a Christian? 16
What churches or organizations or labels have applied to you? Baptist
What labels, if any, would you apply to yourself now? Collective Unconscious and various other Ideas
Why did you become a Christian? I believed it
Why did you de-convert? disillusionment with God

29 comments:

Evelyn said...

That's terrible what your father did!! Were you able to leave home or are you still there? Are you 16 now or did this happen when you were 16 and you are older now?

Free_Deist said...

Your story does not suprise me in the least. Fundamentalists and evangelicals are some of the most un-empathetic, loveless people on Earth. Evangelicals are like the Terminator: impervious to pity, reason, logic, or compassion. The only thing they are good at is closing their mind.

When a rationalist does an act of kindness, it is far better than when a radical Christian does one. The radical theist does an act of kindess out of fear of the Hitler/Stalin Biblegod, or to get a reward from the sky fascist. When an Atheist, Agnostic or Deist does an act of kindness, they do it out of the goodness of their own heart.

Bentley said...

2000 year old Christian ignorance at it's finest.

It's the hatred of others that Christians love to adhere to.

According to Christians, the Bible intercedes all knowledge past present and future, with this type thinking, Cristianity can never be stopped, because the bible will be the ultimate last word in all decision making and thought.

The bible is a dangerous piece of trash that should be destroyed along with the Qu'ran, look at what they both are doing, destroying this Earth and it's people.

It's not a book of love, it's a book condoning self-righteous hatred.

John Fensworth said...

I can't believe people can't see through the bible's bull when it comes to these things. How can they not see that all it teaches is ignorant judgment of others? These opinions about homosexuals are obviously archaic ideas that deal with hating people who are different from the accepted norm. It's so obvious, and yet, so many people are still blinded by this foolishness.

mq has the bird flu said...

that is rediculous what they did to you. I think one of the most beautiful things in life is watching two beautiful women getting it on. Follow your heart. Christianity is BS!!!!! best of luck to you

freedy said...

Where do the thousands of hermaphordites go when they die every year in this wacky world we live on. Are some in hell because they chose both ways,..or might they have chosen the wrong dominate sex?

Bill Dearmore said...

Cindy,

Many of us have been through enough trauma to empathize with you. But having your own father betray you like that must have been absolutely horrible! I won't pretend to have gone through anything like that.

I, too, was a Baptist; and it hurt like hell for several years to realize how wrong I had been. But I did get over it.

I hope you can make peace with yourself and realize that you are as "normal" and as precious as any other human.

Best wishes,

Bill
www.NoBull.ws

KuroiKaze said...

I can't believe your father would do something like that to you. totally horible.

Just be yourself, the world is a wonderful place (most of the time) and no mater what it seems like now, there are a lot of people who will support you...most of them aren't in a church but they are around.

Make the choices that are right for you and don't worry about what other people think.

brigid said...

Hi, I am a lesbian and I want to make you feel welcome. I have been waiting for this chance for years and now that it is here I don't know what to say.

My name is Brigid Brophy. I am in love with a woman who is the center of the universe. I must excuse myself now because I have shared your experience and I am starting to whimper.

xrayman said...

I recently watched a discussion/debate between a couple of gay Episcopalian clerymen, a Catholic priest, and a Southern Baptist minister. They were discussing the roles of gays in churches. One thing I noticed right off the bat was the fact that the gay clergy members had nothing but pure love and compassion in their rhetoric and hearts, where as the priest and the Southern Baptist were just judgemental assholes.

Anonymous said...

Exodus 4:11 "And the LORD said unto him, Who hath made man's mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the LORD?"

Leviticus 20:13 "If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them."

Felden said...

The most important thing in the world is LOVE. It does not matter if you love a man or a woman. Even Jesus said that love is more important than anything else - he himself never said that homosexuality is wrong. If there is a god he doesn't care about who you love and who you are sexually attracted to. It's the people that can't stand others that are different from them and who are not scared of being different.

J. C. Samuelson said...

Wow. I can only imagine how painful your father's betrayal must've been. Does he understand what he did?

My father is gay, and although our relationship has never been perfect, he never betrayed me like that. Never would. If anything (I could give examples) he was my strongest advocate and defender when I was growing up. That is, until I thought I didn't need to go to school. But that's another story.

Welcome to the site. I hope you'll hang around.

Herb said...

People like anonymous can't think for themselves. All they can do is quote Bible scripture. If it says in the Bible that so and so is wrong, well then, by damn, it must be wrong! I feel sorry for such intolerant ignoramuses.

Anonymous said...

Jesus' testament per Paul

Romans 1:26 "For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the [their] natural use into that which is against nature:"

Romans 1:27 "And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet."

Romans 1:32 "Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them."

Anonymous said...

Jesus' testament

Mat 10:34 "Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword."

Mat 10:35 "For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law."

Mat 10:36 "And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.

Mat 10:37 "He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

Jesus' Love, the gospel truth.

Anonymous said...

when a book becomes more important than a person...here we have the travesty of religion

freedy said...

The babble says in the n.t. "whoever calls someone a fool is worthy of hellfire!" Annoymous#1...have you ever called anyone stupid or foolish before?...Aren't you implying that we are? Annon#2 Great thought!People love a book more than they love people!

Evelyn said...

The apostle Paul was an a**shole!

Anonymous said...

Where you trying to imply that Paul may have been an asshole?

Felden said...

Why is it so important what Paul said or did? He was just a man who thought he had it right...and who wrote his OWN opinion about life. It even says so in the bible. Why do people take all the stuff so literally. Look at the whole thing and don't judge people by small excerpts that cannot stnad for theirselves. Don't be narrowminded like that!

TippleTooter said...

Listen up u fool anon.Ur waisting yr preachy time on us.I dont even read it.As soon as I see shitty bits from the Holey Babble my mind just closes up dude.
Where you trying to imply that Paul may have been an asshole?

Paul WAS an arsehole.End of story!
We dont CARE if u have a thing for Paulie.
May your ilk rot in the Hell-Fire that yr dear Lawd Jebeezuz made JUST for all u dear xtains. Remember Gawd & Satin = One & the same.

carol said...

Hi, Cindy,

Good testimony. I am gay, too, and grew up getting dragged to mess...ugh, I mean mass.

Does anyone else think her pastor was a little obsessive spending FOUR Sundays on homosexuality?!? Hmmm.

Typical fundie, however, instead of preaching love, tolerance, peace, etc, that they claim their imaginary fake savior is all about, they would rather encourage hate.

Regards, carol

Free_Deist said...

Anony:

Don't forget to wear tin foil on your head so the aliens don't read your thoughts! Don't forget your rifle when you go into the woods in case Bigfoot sneaks up behind you! Be on the lookout for the real Elvis when you go to Vegas!Then again, that's a bad comparison. UFO nuts, Bigfoot people and Elvis freaks at least TRY to sound rational...they at least TRY to provide rational, concrete, scientific evidence for their beliefs. More times than not, it's laughable, but they at least make an effort. You, on the other hand, just quote a crap book.

A handful of fundies that come to this site, such as MQ59, at least try to have fundamentalist Christianity make sense, and at least try to back it up with rational evidence. At least ones like him make an effort. Fundies that actually think are very rare, and more times than not, with either abscond to a liberal view of Christianity or abandon it altogether. You, on the other hand, are the typical brain-is-dead-on-arrival fundy that just quotes a BS book that contradicts itself constantly. Typical loveless fundie...a retarded book means more to you than a person...then again, the only thing people like you are good at is closing your mind.

Free_Deist said...

Herb:

True, fundies can't think for themselves...it's forbidden to them...otherwise, they may learn about evolution, tolerance, love, logic, and thinking for one's own self!

If the Buy-Bull told people to go to San Francisco and do a half gainer off the Golden Gate Bridge, I can assure you, fundies would be heading for Frisco in droves. Fundies are little more than mindless robots attempting to appease the sky fascist.

mq59 said...

"MQ has the bird flu." How stunningly mature.

Free_Deist,

Thanks for the endorsement.

Happy 4th of July to y'all.

Prophetess Dolores James said...

I read the story of the person whose father treated them in such a manner. As a minister I disagree with her father; and even if the Pastor was teaching on homosexuality...it should have been taught in and with the love of God.

God doesn't hate us when things are not well in our lives. But he has a gentle way of saying...This is not the way I want you to walk; and that He loves you...and we as christians are suppose to pray for anyone that we think or know may not be what God is asking for...

Jesus is real! and He has been my Saviour from the age of 7...yet...I have minstered to people from all walks of life...

It is the LOVE that they need to feel..and that we are not judging, but asking God to free them from all that is againist His word.

Sorry for the hurt that she encountered..found this site by browsing..and couldn't leave until I said...I am sorry you were hurt.

Yes...it was done in the wrong way, and that is why so many non christians do not want to come to church...

I have a church without walls...come visit us...we love you...

Be Blessed...

.:webmaster:. said...

God is gentle?

Then it's a gentle eternal hellfire. It's gentle eternal damnation.

Got it.

boomSLANG said...

Christian guest spewed: "Jesus is real! and He has been my Saviour from the age of 7..."

No, in fact, Jesus is not real. Please, on the 9th aniversery of your birthday, feel free to come back and tell us if you still feel the same. Good luck young lady.

Archived Testimonial Pageviews this week: