Shackles and Chains of Christianity
sent in by a Texarkana man
Before I delve into any story of my struggle to remove myself from the shackles of religion, I will introduce myself. I think it only prudent to do so. My name is Mitchell H, and I am a 20 year-old male living in the middle of the Bible-Belt in a relatively small town on the border of Arkansas and Texas. This area is infested with a horribly regressive conservative ethic which lends itself to mindless obedience and rampant intolerance, which is a central theme of my story.
I am a gay man. I have known this in a certain capacity for all of my life. In early years, I knew I preferred the company of males and had an affinity for masculine beauty. When I was a child of about 6 years old and had just begun to attend school, I had a habit of attempting to kiss other boys on the playground. One day, after having kissed a fellow named Seth, the teacher called my parents to the school.
Mom and Dad totally freaked out. I was pulled immediately from public school after my father whipped me violently and sent to a parochial school under the domain of the Church of Christ. They told me that boys who like to kiss boys end up with something called A.I.D.S. which really hurts and eventually kills you and sends you to hell, a place of torment created for sinners by a merciful and just god who apparently lacked the foresight to not create Lucifer despite his supposed omnipotence. Not wanting to suffer torment, I became a christian and vowed to change myself no matter what the cost.
For about six years, (before I hit puberty), I could disengage myself from any interest in males beyond friendship with relative ease: Aided by a christian ethic, I found this easy to do until I was twelve years old. At that time, I had begun not only to enjoy the company of other males..... I had begun to notice that my body responded to them in strange ways. Of course, being a naieve kid in a private school with fundamentalist parents, I had not a clue what was going on. I discovered that on my own. When I learned about the nature of my attraction, I tried to force myself to stop it. I could not. I would only torture myself by becoming convinced that I was going to hell. I tried to date girls, which never worked. I tried electric shock therapy at my mother's insistance, which only succeeded in causing me great agitation. I could not experience the joys of having a significant other.
It went on like this for years, even after I had rejected christianity at age 15. That was due to living in my parent's house and meeting with nothing but disapproval and threats that if I were to ever act on these 'evil impulses', I would be thrown out on the street.
I suppose I should stop here and give a few moments to explain why exactly I left the faith. The obvious reason of the conflict the worldview espoused with my homosexuality aside, I had actually tried to commit myself to christianity by reading the bible on a daily basis. Once I began to study closely, I started noticing that 'god' was nothing like the being christians project it to be. From condoning mass slaughters of Isreal's enemies to torturing Job just to fulfill his own twisted ego, the god of the bible seemed more evil than the supposed Satan! I could also no longer reconcile my convictions and thirst for knowledge with the reactionary worldview of many christians.
In addition to being a self-hating homosexual, I had been a feminist, an environmentalist, opposed to the death penalty, and pro-choice. These views were each opposed by the vast majority of orthodox christians whose activism typically resulted in the propagation of ignorance and repression. So I rejected christianity without telling my parents due to fear. Though this did free me from internal restrictions, there was still the issue of external pressure due to the society I live in and more living with the parents and going to a christian school.
I was still unable to date openly. Private affairs were almost certain to get me kicked out, because Mom and Dad both listened to my phone conversations, disallowed me a cell-phone, checked my mail, snooped through my room, and made me come home by 5 everyday. It was a miserable existance. I had always thought that this must be what prison was like. When I graduated, I decided it was time for me to get a life beyond the dreary home-life and church my parents would drag me to 3 times a week.
I started dating a guy named Ash. It was as if I had actually started living. Though I knew it was dangerous, I would talk to him for hours on the phone, (I snuck these calls), go to his house and get acceptance from his parents, (he was out and had liberal parents I suppose). They were even kind enough to pretend that he was straight for my own sake. I felt, for the first time in my life like I was happy, because I actually had someone to talk to who would listen to me without trying to force christian dogma on me. But unfortunately, one night during one of our conversations, mom happened to pick up the phone. She heard me tell him that I love him.
Next week, I was kicked out and told never to come back. Ash and his parents have taken me in, but mom and dad refuse to talk to me ever again. I try to call them, and they either hang up on me or do not answer. I simply do not understand how something that makes parents turn their backs on their own son can be seen as something GOOD!
As I sit here typing this, I can not help but cry. You have to understand, though mom and dad did make me miserable often, I DID grow up with them, and I miss them. They won't talk to me, though. I don't know what to do about it. I do not know if there is anything I can do. All I know is that I detest religion and can depend only upon myself.
I just wish there was some way I could make mom and dad care about me again.
Texarkana
Ar
U.S.A.
How old were you when you became a christian? 7
How old were you when you ceased being a christian? 15
What churches or organizations or labels have applied to you? Church of Christ. Christian Atheist, Agnostic, Satanist.
What labels, if any, would you apply to yourself now? Atheist, Satanist
Why did you become a christian? Because one accepts the reality with which they are presented. This on just happened to be based on lies.
Why did you de-convert? I desired to have complete control over my own thoughts and destiny.
email: mitchx at mindless dot com
Before I delve into any story of my struggle to remove myself from the shackles of religion, I will introduce myself. I think it only prudent to do so. My name is Mitchell H, and I am a 20 year-old male living in the middle of the Bible-Belt in a relatively small town on the border of Arkansas and Texas. This area is infested with a horribly regressive conservative ethic which lends itself to mindless obedience and rampant intolerance, which is a central theme of my story.
I am a gay man. I have known this in a certain capacity for all of my life. In early years, I knew I preferred the company of males and had an affinity for masculine beauty. When I was a child of about 6 years old and had just begun to attend school, I had a habit of attempting to kiss other boys on the playground. One day, after having kissed a fellow named Seth, the teacher called my parents to the school.
Mom and Dad totally freaked out. I was pulled immediately from public school after my father whipped me violently and sent to a parochial school under the domain of the Church of Christ. They told me that boys who like to kiss boys end up with something called A.I.D.S. which really hurts and eventually kills you and sends you to hell, a place of torment created for sinners by a merciful and just god who apparently lacked the foresight to not create Lucifer despite his supposed omnipotence. Not wanting to suffer torment, I became a christian and vowed to change myself no matter what the cost.
For about six years, (before I hit puberty), I could disengage myself from any interest in males beyond friendship with relative ease: Aided by a christian ethic, I found this easy to do until I was twelve years old. At that time, I had begun not only to enjoy the company of other males..... I had begun to notice that my body responded to them in strange ways. Of course, being a naieve kid in a private school with fundamentalist parents, I had not a clue what was going on. I discovered that on my own. When I learned about the nature of my attraction, I tried to force myself to stop it. I could not. I would only torture myself by becoming convinced that I was going to hell. I tried to date girls, which never worked. I tried electric shock therapy at my mother's insistance, which only succeeded in causing me great agitation. I could not experience the joys of having a significant other.
It went on like this for years, even after I had rejected christianity at age 15. That was due to living in my parent's house and meeting with nothing but disapproval and threats that if I were to ever act on these 'evil impulses', I would be thrown out on the street.
I suppose I should stop here and give a few moments to explain why exactly I left the faith. The obvious reason of the conflict the worldview espoused with my homosexuality aside, I had actually tried to commit myself to christianity by reading the bible on a daily basis. Once I began to study closely, I started noticing that 'god' was nothing like the being christians project it to be. From condoning mass slaughters of Isreal's enemies to torturing Job just to fulfill his own twisted ego, the god of the bible seemed more evil than the supposed Satan! I could also no longer reconcile my convictions and thirst for knowledge with the reactionary worldview of many christians.
In addition to being a self-hating homosexual, I had been a feminist, an environmentalist, opposed to the death penalty, and pro-choice. These views were each opposed by the vast majority of orthodox christians whose activism typically resulted in the propagation of ignorance and repression. So I rejected christianity without telling my parents due to fear. Though this did free me from internal restrictions, there was still the issue of external pressure due to the society I live in and more living with the parents and going to a christian school.
I was still unable to date openly. Private affairs were almost certain to get me kicked out, because Mom and Dad both listened to my phone conversations, disallowed me a cell-phone, checked my mail, snooped through my room, and made me come home by 5 everyday. It was a miserable existance. I had always thought that this must be what prison was like. When I graduated, I decided it was time for me to get a life beyond the dreary home-life and church my parents would drag me to 3 times a week.
I started dating a guy named Ash. It was as if I had actually started living. Though I knew it was dangerous, I would talk to him for hours on the phone, (I snuck these calls), go to his house and get acceptance from his parents, (he was out and had liberal parents I suppose). They were even kind enough to pretend that he was straight for my own sake. I felt, for the first time in my life like I was happy, because I actually had someone to talk to who would listen to me without trying to force christian dogma on me. But unfortunately, one night during one of our conversations, mom happened to pick up the phone. She heard me tell him that I love him.
Next week, I was kicked out and told never to come back. Ash and his parents have taken me in, but mom and dad refuse to talk to me ever again. I try to call them, and they either hang up on me or do not answer. I simply do not understand how something that makes parents turn their backs on their own son can be seen as something GOOD!
As I sit here typing this, I can not help but cry. You have to understand, though mom and dad did make me miserable often, I DID grow up with them, and I miss them. They won't talk to me, though. I don't know what to do about it. I do not know if there is anything I can do. All I know is that I detest religion and can depend only upon myself.
I just wish there was some way I could make mom and dad care about me again.
Texarkana
Ar
U.S.A.
How old were you when you became a christian? 7
How old were you when you ceased being a christian? 15
What churches or organizations or labels have applied to you? Church of Christ. Christian Atheist, Agnostic, Satanist.
What labels, if any, would you apply to yourself now? Atheist, Satanist
Why did you become a christian? Because one accepts the reality with which they are presented. This on just happened to be based on lies.
Why did you de-convert? I desired to have complete control over my own thoughts and destiny.
email: mitchx at mindless dot com
Comments
My sympathies to you as well. That's a great story about terrible experiences. If you don't mind me saying so, you don't seem to have been well treated by your parents, and certainly not by Christianity.
Very best wishes to you!
christian fundamentalism!!
Wishing you the best, Brian
At first it would seem that their love for you is as conditional as that of the god they worship.
Yet I think they are just so conditioned to 'love and obey' their god above all other things (there are enough bible verses telling them that family comes second) that they are afraid to show any of their true feelings for you (I'm sure they exist).
It's like they're trying to prove to their god how obedient they are, 'just like Abraham', or something.
I assume they believe in hell, so they don't want to end up there by 'disobeying' their god - so you come second to their fear.
I think the only solution, besides pretending to reconvert yourself (not recommended), is to somehow get them out of christianity.
It's definitely a hard ask (I know my parents won't budge despite all the logic in the world...and it must be harder for you in the bible-belt), but it seems it may be the only thing that will change their attitudes.
All of us here are proof that it can happen, and this is also a great place to get the info to give it a go.
Now the ignorant people that wrote the ass-wipe bible over 2000 years ago, maybe 50,000 years ago, who knows, had absolutely no medical knowledge and very limited knowledge of anything except what a prophet could dream up, so anything that they did not understand, they said it was from either a god or an anti-god the myth Satan and of course naturally if you did not believe and mimick and pretend that you are one of them, you would be judged as wicked and cast off into hell, just exactly like all christians do even in 2006.
Now until someone comes back with first hand knowledge with the existance of a Hell, I would not be too worried about such nonsense.
Now as far as your family goes, I completely understand what you're going through, although I am not gay, I told my parents that I no longer believed in the bible or any part of it or any religion, and their demeaner towards me has changed, and not for the better, infact they have now turned their love for me and gave it all to jesus, they have decided that it is more important to love a myth and a total lie falsehood in hopes of a promised reward, than to give their own child their much needed love and support.
All in all, the myth jesus has stolen our parents love away from us, this is mostly our objection to christianity, when people put a false religion and a false god and a bible, before their children, this proves to me, that they are totally insane.
So Mitchell stop blaming yourself, it's not you my friend, there's nothing wrong with you! It's Them! They, the religious self-righteous indignation is what the christians want, they want to stand on their Ivory Tower and condemn other people to Hell, and religions give people the license to condemn and judge, although the bible says that god will be the final judge, but they can't wait for god to judge, they take over, thats why so many join a church, nowhere in the bible does it say to elect a preacher and have people join a church, they invented the rules for themselves.
All religions and bibles should be eliminated, Starting Today! TC, Ben
To believe in invisible beings without a shred of proof and they have had thousands of years to provide some proof, it's they, the christians, that are mentally perverted, stay away from them, they carry a mind virus, a mental disease, called religion. TC, Ben
He can not change the fact that he is gay.
He found out that your god doesn't exist.
He does not and should not want to change the fact that he is gay.
Welcome to freedom Texarkana Man
I know when I escaped from xianity...I ran like Forrest Gump...and have nver looked back
"TRY OUT"!!???
"A GAY"!!???
What an idiot!!!!!
I am not a satanist but it is nothing to do with believing in the devil - merely the pursuit of your own pleasure by your own rules (essentially become your own god)
I am an athiest but disagree with satanism - however I thought it was important to point out the misinterpretation of the term.
Or maybe thats why they chose it...to ruffle feathers
any idea's??
I'm so sorry that you had such a suffocating life. I'm understanding of being disowned by parents because of the sexual orientation issues. I've gone through that nightmare and know of two acquaintances who have as well. My dad literally chased me out of the house with a rifle. I had to run for my life. I was not allowed any contact with my family for the longest time. Eventually, several years later after my mom's death, we slowly patched things up. Dad and I are on much better terms, though we don't discuss the gay issues in each others' company. He knows who and how I am and isn't trying to change me. It's a bit late and tough for any changing anyway. I'm now in my 50's and today is his 77th birthday.
One of my acquaintances who went through a similar situation to yours and mine never did get to reconcile with his folks. He mourns that reality, but has moved on with his life. He hasn't met Mr. Right yet, but he does date and he does socialize with other gay guys and a couple of lesbians. In that respect, he's no different than most people in the USA. Lot's of single folks straight or GLBT looking for a partner. That's perfectly OK!
You will probably feel stronger than people who have had an easier life. What you've lived through is a gift if you use the experience to your benefit and don't harbor resentments. While I can write about using difficulty to your benefit, I will say that it is really as simple as that. I don't say it is easy, however. Like any grieving process, with or without religion, time does eventually bring equilibrium and focus to life. Be patient and thankful at the same time.
There are people like us in abundance in this world, know that we can be friends. Don't be afraid to smile once in awhile.
JJ
Although I grew up with a fundamentalist background it was not as dogmatic and cruel as yours.
While my mom is a Christian my dad was a partying, alcoholic, hustler...Which probably made life that much easier for me. Were he still alive he probably wouldn't care about me being gay. My mom would probably only be dissappointed but I know she wouldn't cast me out to the wolves.
I really don't know what to say. But I am so happy that you have a surrogate family that does care for you unconditionally. All you can do is continue to do is build from there.
I refuse to pray to a god who is supposed to be just a loving...YET, he sanctions death, torcher, misery, patricide, matricide, and infanticide...Not to mention what happened to you and your family.
The more of the testimonies I read the more I realize that I want nothing to do with Christianity.
Keep your head up. I hope that good things come your way. You have been through hell.
parents who force their kid out, just because the kid is gay,,
thats what christianity does ,,
it makes parents hate their own kids ,,
The Case for Christ
The Case for a Creator
The Case for Faith
Look up some of the books for evidence againsr evolution:
Darwin on Trial
Icons of Evolution.
Don't say that Christians lack logic or education. we read, we go to school, some of us know the logic to our faith, others don't. To me, it takes more faith to not belive in a higher power than to be religious.
I guess that settles then doesn't it. Going to school and reading doesn't make a religion true or the people believing in them correct.
Hmm.
Now, Mr. Anonymous #2394813899482939 (why is it these fundies can almost never figure out how to click the OTHER button? *sigh*) I want to ask you a serious question: have you ever read any books criticizing Christianity? I've read dozens and dozens of apologetic books, and they helped keep me in the faith for awhile, but eventually the fallacies in apologetic logic failed. Why? Well, in part because I started to read non-Christian books. I figured that if my religion was the right religion, then it would hold up under scrutiny.
My guess is that you've read very little or nothing from an opposing viewpoint. Don't limit yourself to the Lee Strobels, there is a whole world of information out there.
Have you read any of the rebuttals to those books (e.g. by Doherty)? There are dozens on the web.
Can you please list a few books that you've read that are critical of Christianity? (I'll give you a long list if you are interested.)
Can you please list a few books that you're read that describe the scientific basis for the theory of evolution?
Thanks.
Firstly---EVERYBODY is either an Atheist, or a "former" Atheist, as we were ALL born without a belief in God. For even to say "I don't know"(Agnostic) implies that the belief in God is suggested through revelation, NOT something that is innately known. Much to your dissatisfaction, I'm sure---but Atheism is the "default" position. Got it?
Secondly, "knowledge" that is revealed in a book, can never, and WILL never, be a universal Truth. Stick it in your memeory bank. Thanks.
Disappointed, you should change your name.
My vote is for Angry Codger.
In that case, how would I know that you are telling the truth right now? Had you simply messaged me and explained the situation, perhaps the post would have been removed. But, the general timbre of your posts more resembles one of our usual trolls who occasionally stops by and posts angry rhetoric trying to give people the impression that all the testimonies are fabrications. Your writing style and tone almost exactly matches one troll in particular.
Since you are "far from a codger" I apologize for crack, but frankly it seems to me you're more upset about Mitchell's having smudged your family name on some website than for his apparent mental illness. But you're right, I haven't walked in your shoes. If I had a grown grandson that was out of his mind, I'd probably want the whole world to know about it too. I'd want to make sure the entire planet knew that they couldn't trust a word he said, and to fear him. That's called Grandfatherly love.
I'm sorry, but if what you say about Mitchell is true, then the public character defamation of this troubled person by a "loving Grandfather" does seem a bit over the top. I think I can understand the frustration and anger someone in your shoes might feel, but I would hope that most families would handle this type of thing a little differently. This could have been handled in private. Now the whole world knows.
Regardless, since Mitchell hasn't checked in to confirm or deny your exchange, I'll remove the family name from the post.
Peace.
It won't improve him, it'll just load him with more guilt, then resentment, then rebellion and desire for freedom.
Hey, look at what's happened...
Mitchell, if you are experiencing mental issues, especially in relation to spiritual beliefs, it may be helpful to read this post:
http://www.exchristian.net/testimonies/2006/03/voice-of-satan-voice-of-god-or.html
Anyway, good luck.
Interesting.
So, your crazy-ass grandson posted nasty lies about his family. You found out and decided since he's posted nasty untrue stuff, you'd come online and blast him a good one, exposing all his dirty secrets and making sure the planet is well aware of his failings!
I admit, if what you say is true, this poor kid is really screwed up. But frankly, so are you.
For me, your posts have actually succeeded in the opposite of what you'd intended -- I really feel bad for this kid now, as well as the rest of his immediate family.
Have a nice life, and please refrain from ever posting here again.
Thanks.
Some Christians, however, seem to have a problem with letting the rest of the world believe whatever they like about Christianity.
Oh, and this is an ex-Christian webiste.
Visiting a web page and reading some discussions is not substitute for studying what is known about both sides of an argument. The vast majority of the Christians who visit this site know very little about the views held by non-Christians, often by their own admission. They can almost never name a single book that examines Christianity critically, so your assertion that the Anonymous visitor has "obviously" read plenty of such material would seem to be rather hasty at best.
Thurokmeir said "Reading for knowlege is one thing, reading to show off and to boast about it is another..."
Okay, I'm with you. Are you implying something about one or more specific individuals here? If so, I'd be curious as to who, and on what evidence.
If defending your assertions would accomplish nothing, then what did your initial post accomplish?
Thurokmeir: "My pride isn't so I feel complelled to give an explanation or defense."
Arguments are not just about pride; at least they needn't be. They can be a way to learn.
Thurokmeir: "I honestly am not trying to imply anything here, I just don't see how this arguement could amount to anything at all, for either of us. :)"
Okay. Bye bye then.
Perhaps, you are just the protege of Goldie, if you don't know who that is, then you need to read a few of the threads on this site - their track record for impotence in the area of intelligence, is overwhelming. However, I would be remiss, if I didn't mention that Goldie's most obtuse comments weren't met with the roiling laughter that could easily push someone into total incontinence. :)
It seems disappointed just wants to excuse his chosen christianity from what Mitch has said - and with a name like 'disappointed' it seems that he is trying to use this method to shame his grandson into coming correct - and that is one of the worst methods I can think of(besides physical abuse).
I know from experience.
There are 4 things I must say here, however.
#1 Yes, Dissapointed is my Grandfather.
#2 I am NOT deeply disturbed. Nor have I been officially diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. I may have tourrettes, but that I have largely recovered from. Grandpa, though to some degree very helpful lately, (thank you) has never understood me, and never will. If we want to bring up people's problems, we can all point the finger at one another. I need no Psychiatrist, only people to stop butting in to my online business.
#3 In no way was I intending to 'hurt' my family, as I had made reference to another person's family. I only told dad that I was 'honing my skills' because I was afraid of what he would think of me associating with gay people.
#4 I am a grown man, and I will continue to post here if I feel the need. I need no one's approval to do so, barring the webmaster.
Grandpa, this was in no way meant to be an insult to my family. Believe me or not, I really do not care. All I know is that I meant no harm, and I apologise for any I might have caused.
My name isn't really SpaceMonk.
It's Timotheus Rex, Supreme Intergalactic SpaceMonk of the Order of Pristine Pan-Universal Purity...
Anyway, your story makes more sense now. :)