Active Mormon to ExMormon Gay Atheist

sent in by Steve Lee

My transformation from active mormon to exmormon gay atheist took just over two years. It's seems too easy to write that sentence now after experiencing some of the most challenging days I've ever faced. To even think about the fact that Mormonism might be slightly flawed was a mind-rattling sin, but to act upon thoughts of change was at first a seemingly fatal endeavor and ultimately the most freeing task ever undertaken.

Most people agree that the LDS church leans more toward a cult than a loving religion, but most have no idea the depths of spiritual violence wrought upon a member when practicing it. And the difficulty of being born and raised into it, makes a change away from it even more fearful. Every support structure came from the church or my active family that had carefully programmed me to follow each and every expectation heaped upon me. From social limitations as a young man, to wielding their powerless "prietshood", to accepting bloody deaths oaths, secret handshakes and mandated underwear. I ate it up hook line and sinker. I WOULD get to heaven and I WOULD become a God myself.

Compounding the sickness of that structure was the certain knowledge by age 19 that I was definitely gay, but still expected to marry a female for "all time and eternity", go on a two year mission and then have children that I would raise righteously unto God. But following every expectation only brought more unhappiness, unhappiness that became so unbearable that by age 38, married for 15 years with three kids, and participating in a "reparative therapy" pogram that would surely cure me of my horrible hidden sin of homosexuality, I had to finally admit to myself that perhaps it was the church that was wrong, errant, diseased and evil and not myself.

But the day I realized that was the day the fear really set in. Having already acted out slashing my throat and deboweling myself at least 15 separate times in the Mormon Endowment Ceremony if I ever became an apostate and divulged the "sacred" handshakes and passwords that were necessary for me to enter into heaven through the "veil", I was facing what seemed to be my own demise. Even the prophet Brigham Young taught from the pulpit in his doctrine called "Blood Atonement" that apostates could only be saved to heaven by killing them by slashing their throats and bleeding them to death on the ground.

Every piece of critical information I read was considered anti-Mormon. Each website dedicated to recovering Mormons were considered hate sites. But there simply wasn't any way to gain happiness unless I rejected that poison and walked away, possibly losing my own kids, my family, all my friends, all my support structures. All my time in life had already be promised to the church, my eternal marriage would be ruined and I would be the reason that myself and my kids would go to hell. I would be removing myself from God, and allowing Satan to control me and drag me steadily down to hell.

Isn't it hilarious to look back on the absolutely asinine things you once believed in your life?

Three years out of the church, resigned and free, almost two years living with a man who was also married for 15 years with three kids, I must say that post-Mormonism and atheism have been the most rewarding experiences of my life. Not divorced yet, but honest and upholding the responsibilities that matter to me, including co-parenting my kids with my amicable ex-wife, I have now realized that heaven exists only in my lifetime, and hell as well. Refusing to be manipulated by the dangling carrots known as "heaven", "hell", and "salvation", I am forging lasting relationships with friends whom I would have previously judged not worthy of my time.

Religious mental constraints serve only as programming to enslave humanity. Mythology reigns in our society today, as it has in almost every human society. But breaking free from your own domestication and walking without fear allows you see the lies that hold so many bound in unhappy lives. I was lucky to escape my own domestication, it was a rough road, but in the end it has lead me to more self expression and freedom. I challenge you to break free and see what you can really be without all the poison holding you down.

How old were you when you became a christian? Born a Mormon
How old were you when you ceased being a christian? 38
What churches or organizations or labels have applied to you? Latter-Day Saint/Mormon, Full Time Missionary
What labels, if any, would you apply to yourself now? Atheist
Why did you become a christian? I was born into it.
Why did you de-convert? Extreme unhappiness.
email: simplifyinco at yahoo dot com


SpaceMonk said...

I'm glad you're out (so to speak :), and that your ex is amicable about it.

It's interesting you should mention all the secret handshakes and punishments for revealing secrets, etc. since I've only recently read an article called "The Solomon Keyhole" by a Robert Guffey.

It talks about how Joseph Smith was inspired by a book by an ex-Freemason, Capt. William Morgan, who had decided to spill the beans and publish their secrets.
He was arrested and never seen again, but the book was eventually published anyway.

Smith lived only twenty miles away from that town, and was so into occult and mystery type stuff already that he was greatly influenced by the book, and four years later published the Book of Mormon.

His brother was already a Freemason, and Smith even joined later on - and even married Morgans widow.

Anyway, I forget my point now... but it's just another example of men inventing ways to control other men...
Oh, that's right, the Masons and their secret handshakes, and the way they have to cut you open if you spill their secrets, etc...

Anyway, welcome.

Anonymous said...

Glad to see you found the guts to make the break. I regard all Christian denominations as Cults, for the simple fact is that they control peoples minds. All faith based religion fit the cult syndrome. Cult being. A system of religious beliefs and rituals


Hey Steve Great Post. I remember my Great Grand Mother used to walk around and say "You are Who You are". The older I get now the more that statement makes sense to me. I feel the same way you do. I now look back at my "christian walk" and I find it pretty hillarious with all the crazy beliefs and crazy traditions I used to believe. It is great to see that you are finally being your true self. Most of these self righteouss know it all religious hypocrites wouldn't like it very much if they were straight and born into a gay world. They wouldn't like someone trying to change them. Now would they? I know I wouldn't. Great to see Your Finally being your true self. Life is short and you might as well be happy and live life the best you know how. That is the best any of us can do.

Gliph said...

Welcome Steve!

You are in a great place here and definitely among friends. Thanks for sharing, I've always been curious about Mormonism (not in joining, but just how very different it is than xtianity). Maybe you can stop over in the forums and give us more details! Passwords? Handshakes? WHOA!

Its great to have you hear, look forward to seeing you in the forums...


Deamond said...

My knowledge of mormonism is limited, I admit, but aparantly if you become a mormon all your dead ancestors also magically become mormons, so why worry? If the mormons are right just wait for some descendant to become a mormon and then you'll get a transfer from hell to your oun planet. (Nice loophole, don't you think? Kinda like the "life of sin and then deathbed repentance" thing.)

I don't think it's possible for anyone to "become" or "choose" to be gay or straight. At best maybve you could learn to be bisexual, but gay people are born that way, it's chemical. (Boy fetus gets too much aestrogen and/or not enough testosterone, they're gay. Girl fetus gets too much testosterone, lesbian. There's also cases where girls get too much aestrogen, and they end up really really girly, but really suck at maths)

But lets pretend for a minuteThat meansyou that way on purpose. Therefore he doesn't want you to be a mormon any more than he wants me to be a catholic.

Deamond said...

Christianity is the biggest cult in the world. My brother has the smallest cult in the world. It consists of one guy being a dickhead.

(He's a religious semi-fanatic who's a criminal and smokes maraguana knowing it only makes his schitzophrentia worse. But don't feel sorry for him, he's a complete asshole. )

Which brings up an interesting point. My brother and I, in allot of ways, are total oposites. I try to take care of myself, he smokes, drinks and does drugs. I'm welcome in my Nephu's Mum's house, she wants nothing to do with him. I think too much, he's an idiot. (And here's the interesting thing;) I have a concience, he's a criminal.

Anonymous said...

Regarding Mormonism/LDS.

Mormons traditionally believe, a spiritual prison exists within a spirit world. This is where; all non-Mormons, and children too young to be baptized on earth, go.

While visiting the spirit world, these spiritual inmates, are proselytized to by Mormon missionary spirits. If a non-Mormon or child accepts the teaching of the Mormon missionaries, they are allowed to proceed to heaven, but only after following all the rules, to include, a water baptism.

A water baptism can not be conducted in the spirit world, thus, Mormons on earth, with a Temple blessing can vicariously perform a water baptism ritual by proxy.

This ritual, is called, "Baptism for the Dead". In order for a Mormon to receive a Temple recommend by their ward bishop, so they can perform said ritual, they have to abide by the Mormon Articles of Faith, and ordinances consistently. The only contenders for a Temple recommend are those who don't engage in; masturbation, pre-marital sex, lying, cheating, drinking caffeine/alcohol, smoking, drugs, swearing, etc. And, those who have maintained a solid tithing record.

Temple recommended members are much the minority and exception, not the rule in LDS society.

The Mormons toil over geneological records, in order to ascertain non-members who need spiritual baptism/salvation. This is not a hobby, there are literally thousands upon thousands of Mormons scanning death certificates, birth records, marriage licenses, virtually any record that can be obtained to link a body to a family tree.

These records are then, microfiched and stored in a Mormon vault, where faithful Temple blessed Mormons receive their list of names, to baptize by proxy. Thousands, of dead people are baptized daily by proxy, by Mormon members, in order to give "everyone" a chance to receive the True Religion, and thus, heavenly salvation.

Well, at least their plan, allows for the saving of aborted children, still births, early childhood deaths, people born before Jesus by tradition made it to earth, etc., etc. The only glitch, obviously, is the sheer number of missing names throughout history, due to the numerous scenarios where a fetus, child, or adult would not have been placed in historical record.

Mormons also believe that they can achieve godhood, but to them, its more of achieving a godly state of being, by proxy through their god, and thus, they have the ability to inhabit a planet and have their own franchised paradise if they so desire.

Anonymous said...

It's a sad state of affairs in this country, and the world, when so many minds are held captive by these atrociously illogical belief systems. With virtually mountains of evidence that Mormonism is a scam, it still has millions of people going through their rituals, giving their hard earned money, and screwing up their minds and lives with this silly crap.

It's no wonder America is "Dumbing Down." We have the Jerry Falwells running colleges, that field debate teams, that win debates about the absolute literal truth of the bible. These kids are winning debates by answering the question as to how did Noah get all of those animals including dinosaurs on the arc?, with:" Well' they were baby dinosaurs"

Absolutely Incredible! Absolutely Incredible! Absolutely Incredible!
Dan (Rationalist)

Anonymous said...

We've all been taught to accept and to look up to all authority figures since birth, so that now when we become adults, it's hard to distinguish who is an authority figure or a fraud, whereas 99.99% of authority figures are frauds, maybe even 100% are frauds, as it appears to me. Ben (Rationalist)

Anonymous said...

Much of my family is Mormon, caught in the clutches of this religion. They all live in Utah, imagine that.

Being gay, and from a fundamentalist background I can understand some of what you have gone through.

Congrats for being on the other side of things.


Anonymous said...

Steve Lee I almost wanted to cry when I read your extimony. I am so glad that you can have such a sense of humor about it now.
As a young gay deconvert myself I can relate to what you went through.
My sexuality was one of many reasons that I'm presently deconverting.
Right now I don't really know what I believe in anymore...but it isn't the Judeo Christian god anymore.

And all of the information on The mormon church goes directly against traditional fundementalism. All of the Christian sects contradict one another.
So who is going to hell?

I would rather be a happy well adjusted and moral person with no religion than someone living in misery.

Good luck to you!

Anonymous said...

first, i woould like to tell you all where you have gone didnt read the bible for yourself, you left you souls in the hand of someone else.I to hate religion, i love Jesus christ the author and finisher of my fate. not the cults, and mormoms are cults. and homosexuals are going to hell if they dont repent just like the liar, whoremonglers, adulturers, and etc. all you have to do is repent of your sins and let Jesus Christ be the lord of your life instead of being your own god. and read the bible not the book of mormon and etc.i to had to repent of my sins, everyone does im not a homosexual but i sure knew how to commit other sins . and ther is not a day that gooes by that i dont have to ask forgiveness for either my temper or something. and thats what it is all about. love, you all.

Anonymous said...

the bible says that all have sinned and come short of the glory of GOD.NOT SOME BUT ALL.IT ALSO SAYS thats theres no name under heaven that you can be saved except the name of Jesus. all you have to do is ask god to forgive you of you sins and read you bible not the book of morman, or anyother book. the bible.and it says that if we sin we have an advocate with the father Christ Jesus. and that if we repent he faithful and just to forgive us of all our sins.repent means to turn away from our sins.and if we fall and sin again ask forgiveness and he will forgive us. make no mistake we will sin again thats why Jesus had to come to this earth and die for can do it if you want to. and i want to,do you?jesus loves you he really does. but the balls in your court. hes not in heaven saying lets make a deal he saying this is the deal. hope you make the right decision.

Anonymous said...

just wanted to tell you that your just loooking for an excuse to be a homosexual.first of all mormans are an occult, and so are a lot of other religions.forget religion and have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.ask jesus if hes for real and if your really serious he will reveal himself to you.oh just wanted to say that there are many other sins besides being gay. and that if we dont ask god to forgive us we will go to hell.and we all make excuses for our sins and when we decide to tell it like it is, and call sin sin were on our way to be forgiven. call on the name of the lord and you shall be saved. this life is like a vapor eternity last forever and ever, and ever and ever.

Anonymous said...

for god so loved the world that he sent his only begotten son and who so ever believes on him will not perish but have everlasting life,john:3:16 who so ever means who so ever.and just wanted to add that the bible also says thatthat my people perish for a lack of knowledge.a lack of knowledge of what? of reading the bible for themselves.its the fool that has said there is no god.i didnt say that god did.hoping for you.

Anonymous said...

you poor child, the devil hit you with homosexuality, and mormonism.there both a lie. the bible says believe a lie and be dammmed.thats satans job to lie to us and thats what he does best is lying.the bible also says that satan comes to rob, steal kill and destroy. dont let him destoy you. you can always ask gods forgivness and start living for him instead of yourself. thank you for your time.

Anonymous said...

what does it profit a man if he gains the world and looses his soul.darling, please get yourself a real bible and read what thus sayeth the lord, not what thus sayeth the mormans, johova witnesses, and so on.and if you really knew what time if was you would know that we dont have much time to make our decision for christ.he i know that you can see how the world is changing and how we are running out of time exactly like the bible says he who has an ear let him hear.

Anonymous said...

what does it profit a man if he gains the world and looses his soul.darling, please get yourself a real bible and read what thus sayeth the lord, not what thus sayeth the mormans, johova witnesses, and so on.and if you really knew what time if was you would know that we dont have much time to make our decision for christ.he i know that you can see how the world is changing and how we are running out of time exactly like the bible says he who has an ear let him hear.

webmdave said...


You've made your point, I suppose. Posting over and over and over doesn't do anything toward supporting your opinion. I suggest you at least wait until someone responds to one or more of your posts that you've posted today before posting again. And please read the site purpose and disclaimer.


Anonymous said...

you know i still cant believe how people can say that there an athiest. it boggles my mind. an atheiest is someone that wants to do his own thing and thinks that they will never have to answer to anyone.when all you have to do is look into the bible and read the prophecys that God wrote two thousand years ago band that we are living right now. the bible says confessing themselves to be wise they became fools and that is what an antheist is a FOOL.

webmdave said...

Well, I find it hard to accept that in the 21st Century there are people who are so undereducated and ignorant that they blindly base their entire lives on the ridiculous stories found in ancient myths, fables and legends.

Anonymous, you really need to finish school. Until then, your posts will only serve to feed the stereotype that Christians are stupid.

TheJaytheist said...

It's posts like those from anony that make me glad I got out of the mindfuck of christianity.

Astreja said...

Já, the stupid is strong with that one.

(Oh, and Anonymouse... 'God' didn't write the Bible. People wrote it. You are deluded, and your spelling is fucking atrocious.)

AtheistToothFairy said...

Anonymous wrote:
just wanted to tell you that your just loooking for an excuse to be a homosexual

And here folks, we have another perfect example of a "well spoken" xtian troll, who feels the need to spam our site, not only with xtian vomit, but bad spelling/grammar to boot.

I never knew one had to have an "excuse" to be homosexual.
Is that like being late for school, where you need an excuse note from your mother, or what?

Yeah, it goes something like this I suppose.....
Gee Mom, I decided just this morning that I want to be a homosexual, so could your think up a good excuse for me so I can become one today.

Hey Anon, what EXCUSE do you have for being a heterosexual, hmmm?
If I stuck you in a gay town, what would you use for an "excuse" to them, that you weren't gay; like the majority of that town is?

(As if such an inborn thing gives one any choice in the matter...shezzzz)

first of all mormans are an occult

WOW, I never knew that Mormans worshipped the devil.
Do they wear black robes and have group sex to?
What about drinking blood and sacrificing young virgins?

Ohhhh, maybe you meant the Mormans are a CULT, huh?
Yeah, they would be to you, but then you would be to them as well.
Now WHO will determine which cult is right here....YOU?

ATF (Who is so glad to have in our presence, the perfect xtian representative of their breed)

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