A stink in God's nostrils

Sent in by Mike Z

I have just recently come to my good senses concerning religion and god. Religion is horrible and there is no god.

I was raised the first 18 years of my life in a United Pentecostal Church, and those were the most awful years of my life. I am gay and going to church three times a week, sitting there listening to how I was going to hell unless I changed my ways, was the most unbelievably horrible mind fuck anyone could receive.

I was told that I was an abomination and a "stink in god's nostrils."

The thing was, I knew I was gay and I prayed and prayed to be "delivered." I had preachers try to "cast out the homosexual demon." Nothing worked. Nothing I ever did at church ever changed the feelings I had when I left the building.

After I got out of the South and moved on I knew I didn't prescribe to that brand of belief, but I thought I had to hold on to to some sort of belief. I remember visiting my older brother and him telling me that he was an atheist. Even though I didn't have the same old beliefs I had before, I was still taken aback at the thought that someone, especially a member of my own family, could just not believe in some sort of "higher power" or whatever you want to call it.

The past couple years I've been doing a lot of soul searching and trying to figure myself out and where I fit in. I came across Richard Dawkins book, "The God Delusion." After reading it, things just became clear. I can now say that I am an atheist. I do however catch myself from time to time saying things like, "Oh Lord, please don't let me be getting sick," or "Thank god I'm not sitting behind that crying baby."

Once in a while I will feel a pang of guilt because I don't believe all the mythology anymore. Does this get any easier, do those lingering feelings ever go away?


eejay said...

Thankfully you did come to your senses and abandon the bullshit beliefs you had. It is good that you have another family member who is also atheist that can give yu soe emotional support. You will also get some here and read many stories that I'm sure you'll be able to relate to. Mosy of the lingering stuff will go away in time. As far as the 'thank god' stuff, you know it's just a figure of speech. I catch muself doing things like that but I know it isn't meant literally so it doesn't bother me. And welcome to ex-c.

Rich said...

Hi Mike,
You are what I have started to call "uncaged". The freedom will feel strange for a while and you must remember that you are a victim of brainwashing. One of the most insidious features of such brainwashing is to firmly plant the concept that there is a transcendental purpose to life. And of course, the people who plant this notion want you to believe that they have answers to these transcendental questions. It's called job security. They will string you along all your life with the most imaginative nonsense they can dream up, unless you awaken and bust the locks on your cage.

I love this quote by Robert Ingersoll:
"When I became convinced that the universe is natural, that all the ghosts and gods are myths, there entered into my brain, into my soul, into every drop of my blood the sense, the feeling, the joy of freedom. The walls of my prison crumbled and fell. The dungeon was flooded with light and all the bolts and bars and manacles became dust. I was no longer a servant, a serf, or a slave. There was for me no master in all the wide world, not even in infinite space. I was free--free to think, to express my thoughts--free to live my own ideal, free to live for myself and those I loved, free to use all my faculties, all my senses, free to spread imagination's wings, free to investigate, to guess and dream and hope, free to judge and determine for myself . . . I was free! I stood erect and fearlessly, joyously faced all worlds."

Exult in your freedom. If you ever catch yourself saying "thank god", just substitude "thank Ingersoll", he is a giant. I also use "thank Mother Nature".

On Facebook, you can find literally hundreds of atheist groups and individuals that will welcome you. There are now over 600 blogs published by athiests/agnostics/freethinkers or whatever they call themselves. Check the atheist blogroll web site.

Anonymous said...

I am glad you are lucky enough to have a brain that was not totally poisoned by Christianity. You are lucky that you escaped from the Gulag of the Bible Belt.

I wish all the citizens of the United "Christian" States of America would use their brains (if any) and wake up to the 2000 year old lie.

Rich said...

I forgot to mention there is a site just for ex-pentecostals:


Also check out the national gay organizations on Facebook and especially the Gay Marriage Killed the Dinosaurs group.

mothpete said...

United Penties... aren't they the serious tongue-speaking variety of fundamentalism.

Hellbound Alleee said...

Time does heal such wounds. However, being a new atheist, it may be emotionally easier, but you're going to find that you deconvert from beliefs you never knew were beliefs. All sorts of things will start making sense--and some will make no sense at all.

CinemaNet said...

Christianity is such a brutal and abusive construct. Christians don't care if you're a decent, kind, compassionate or loving human being - all they care about is their imaginary man in the sky getting his ass kissed, and by extension, the giving of your time and money and emotions to them. It's so good to hear that you've escaped this psychotic abuse, but it does linger. The damage done by "loving" Christians leaves deep scars, and these will take time to heal. Keep reading, researching and thinking, and in time you will only feel anger towards Christianity and religion in general. At least that's how it works for me. The point is, keep your mind free and you will be free.

freethinker05 said...

Mike, there's nothing wrong with being born the way you are. Think of all the people who are born with physical defects.
Just be thankful you weren't born with a mind of a serial killer or child molester, In the which, I think people like that should be put to sleep, (regardless of being born that way). If there is a power that controls all of our lives,(i don't think so), he/she/it already knew what you would be born as, so its he/she/it's fault. As long as your not hurting other humans just be happy the way you are. Sincerally, Roger

Trans-man said...

Hey Mike,
welcome here, and let me tell you that you are not alone. I am transgendered, and there are others on here who are G, L, B or T. I also had my run ins with a church over this issue.
It felt weird at first, to be suddenly detached form the all-so familiar invisible friend, but now I have a great life, feel free and much etter than before.
Of course, we're not an abomination of any sort, we're humans, individuals, just like everybody else.

freedy said...

Mike Z,explain to me why so many gay people have the need to be apart of christianity.I live near Dallas where the largest gay church exists.

The gospel message is so offensive and racist,why would any g.,l.,b. or t. have anything to do with it?--freedy

Hells Bells said...

Mike Z - it's to do with belonging - the need to be accepted by a group. When you're already different and feel you don't fit, the need to belong is exaggerated.

There are many GLBT "Christians", although most are outside "standard" churches because they cannot stand the vitriol. Indeed, one of the signs of "trans" is some involvement in a "faith group" at some point. In its simplest form, the gospel message appears to be that of love and acceptance - again, very important to someone who already feels "on the outside". It tends to be the churches who reject. Rejection of people who are different is not part of the core Christian message - although people like picking fights over obscure bits of the Bible to discriminate. And then church becomes really damaging.

freedy said...

Hells bells,that pretty much explains it.I've always thought of the church as a multi-level marketing scam.You are totally sucked in by the hype,only to be crushed by the reality of being the "outsider".

Anonymous said...

Mike, I've joked that if gay xians can't stop being gay then they can stop being xians. glad you made the best decision and can forget about the nasty vengeful spirit in the sky.

Anonymous said...

Welcome to the world of reason. I have been an ex-christian/atheist for 28 years now, and, yes, there has always been that emotional side to battle. I have found that I must keep feeding the intellect and discussing with other atheists - fear will only take you down the thorny path.

Raul said...

Well,I am a natural (and I don't understand gays,only lesbians :) ),but looking at a woman with sexual desire makes me an adulterer, and jerking off makes me a malakia. What am I suposed to do,become a eunuch in the name of Jesus in order to continue worshiping the deity,who kills children for the sins of their parents e.t.c.? Or,maybe,just f*** religion?

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