The so called "loving and truthful" faith of Christianity

Sent in by Justine S

Since this is my very first testimony (ever!), I just ask that you all please be patient and bear with me.

I guess I should start at the beginning... there's two portions to my Christian life. I'll save the fundamental stuff for later. Growing up, my mother was somewhat involved with the Lutheran Church. She used to drag my sister and I almost every Sunday, although I believe this was more of my grandparents' conviction than God's. I don't remember too much about church services except stand up... say some things... sit down... repeat. I do remember being in the children's choir, and winter retreats quite fondly, however. They were really nice people, and they didn't seem to force religion. They were just happy to be helping children and giving them something to do. It was about the time for Confirmation Classes that I stopped going, and by this time, it was much to my relief. I had better things to do.

My parents were having great marital distress around that same time, and my mom was so depressed and beat down by my father's mental (and some physical) abuse that it was pointless... plus she wasn't allowed to go anywhere besides work. I started asking myself questions about God and such, but I kept them to myself. I didn't get along with my mother (what type of adolescent girl does?) and my father hated God, but only because it took the light away from him. We were always taught to pray before eating, and one day we did that and my father screamed, "I made this food for your pathetic asses! Not GOD!!!!". I thought in a twisted sort of way that he was right.

So, by now ya'll can see that my father was an extreme joy to be around. I was about 15 when I started toying with the idea of another church. My sister had been attending a Wesleyan Church for awhile and spoke of these people and how loving they were. I soaked it right up. I was in great turmoil because of all that was going on at home. My parents' divorce was in mid battle, and it was anything but pretty. I contemplated suicide, and cut myself when I just couldn't handle the pain. A loving church sounded good to me.

After about a year of perfect attendance, I was noticing that I wasn't getting any further in my "walk with God". It really concerned me that I was spending all this time trying to "grow" and nothing was happening. I would go to the altar to pray regularly, but what I got in return was the Youth Pastor saying I was doing it for attention. Being open stopped right then and there. I had enough of that at home, I didn't need it in Church. What really hurt was a woman I had grown really close to, she was a maternal figure to me, and she thought the same thing. She knew everything about me, to include my mom leaving and how horrific my dad could be, but she still agreed. Even through all of this (stuff like this happened regularly) I still managed to go faithfully through out the rest of my high school years until I graduated.

After graduation, I left for the Army. Wow. That was another world!!! I "backslid" terribly and kept coming back in repentance when I'd come home on leave. It'd last for awhile... then back to the party. I caught large amounts of judgment from Maternal Figure. Just what I needed. I moved to California with an Army buddy for about six months after the military. Something I "felt" I should have done. Why? It ended so badly, I hate to think about it. I was probably at my lowest, then. I came back to PA and started with the church thing again. Even harsher judgments from Maternal Figure.

After about a month of being back home, a cousin of mine whom I was very fond of was killed in a car accident because of the egotistical-showing-off of her boyfriend. There were four total people in the car, all of whom were ejected, she's the only one that died. I was so angry at God! I couldn't understand why God would take a 16 year old girl for no reason. I went to Maternal Figure for guidance. She basically told me that she's burning in hell because she wasn't saved. I was already feeling guilty because I hadn't witnessed to her. But, again, I went back to the church, but this time was the last time.

This time, I got involved with the Youth Group. I felt I had a heart for them because of some of the things I went through as a teen. I thought I was still young enough to them that they might reach out to me. When I came back, I had some conflicts with the way the new Youth Pastor was preaching. My old Youth Pastor preached that human beings are full of sin, and no matter what we'll still have sin. That's why we need Jesus. This new guy was preaching that he has Jesus, now he can grow to be like him, and one day he will be as perfect and pure as Jesus was, and how he can't wait for the day that he can tell his wife and kids that he's finally like Jesus... WHAT?!

Isn't this total conflict? Not only that, I found that most of my Church Family had left because the pastor had turned church into politics and began heavily micro-managing everything. That left just a few along with Maternal Figure whom I noticed was sucked in by the whole thing. I noticed she thought it was great. Even became a board member. How bout that?

I eventually quit coming to church and Sunday school. I continued to come to Youth Group meetings because I still had a heart for the kids (I still do). A lot of them began to open up to me, so I decided to stick it out.

All that being said, the straw that broke the camel's back was a conversation I was having with Maternal Figure. She began telling me about a common friend we had and how she was struggling. I inquired as to what, and according to Maternal Figure, she had jealousy issues because her and her husband made more money that this other woman, and because Maternal Figure's 1st born was going to college for ministry while the other woman's children are struggling... blah, blah. I cut her out after that.

I haven't returned since. I had a strong feeling of anger and rage. Shortly after, I stumbled upon this site. I found I wasn't the only person who felt this way and had to deal with similar situations. I have since been doing a lot of research and I'm finding there's so many flaws in the so called "loving and truthful" faith of Christianity.

I thank you all for listening.

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19 comments:

Bob said...

Justine,
You are so typical of so many of us. Not identical but with so much in common. Welcome to a world that's free from such constraining dogma.

William said...

"I made this food for your pathetic asses! Not GOD!!!!"

This is one of the most honest and stalwart statements I have ever heard come from within a more theistic setting (especially that annoying food prayer; as if one needed to thank a deity for one's own food). I salute you and your dad for the pleasure of reading this here.

Nvrgoingbk said...

"God is great
God is good
Let us thank Him for our food
By his hands, WHITE MEN are fed
While those heathen tribes
Still bury their dead"

How the fuck can any Christian pray to a God that allows millions to starve without any relief from their suffering? How the fuck can they stomach their own foul smelling food that comes from a God that is so arbitrary and random in his provision? What smug asses! I didn't see it then, but now the prayers of the "righteous" man disgust me! It rains on the just and the unjust? Hardly! Tell that to those who are still praying for it in Ethiopia!

Bill said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bill said...

Thanks for your testimony. It takes courage to leave something that gave you hope.

Take Care,

Bill J

Thackerie said...

nvrgoingbk said, "It rains on the just and the unjust? Hardly! Tell that to those who are still praying for it in Ethiopia!"

And most of those Ethiopians are praying to the christian god. Ethiopians were among the first christians and the Orthodox church remains prominent there. It seems this god doesn't even help his own.

Anonymous said...

Find a Bible. Read Luke 15:11-24. God still loves you. Come home.

--------------

Regarding the suffering of the hungry, there's a lot of suffering in the world. You're right about that. And it's awful. Why does God allow any of that -- from the Holocaust to a rape of a young child?

God can answer you better than I can. Read the Bible (Jewish or Christian), Book of Job. Pay attention to what God says about why he allowed Job's suffering (in the last few chapters). Note that Job's friends THINK they're defending God and they actually get chastized. See why God says they're wrong about the situation.

A good book to check out on this topic (you know, even if you don't buy all this) is The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel. Interesting for Christians and exchristians alike.

Anonymous said...

Here's an interesting Christian response about God and evil: http://www.carm.org/40_objections/40-4.htm#_1_31

SEO said...

If an entity is benevolent and has the power to stop suffering, it would. The end.

boomSLANG said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
boomSLANG said...

Anonymous, either make up a pseudonym with which we can distinguish between you and a gazillion other "Anonymous" Fighters-for-Christ, or beat it. Fair enough?

Either way, see here.

Yule Goat 2 Hell said...

The unimaginative coward is not only anonymous, but also obnoxious and arrogant.

I find it extremely offensive that some fundy jerk comes in here trying to tell us to "read the bible" and recommending tired, boring apologists like Lee Stroebel.

Who do you think you're talking to? You're not talking to noobies who've never heard it before. This is a site for EX-christians. Meaning: Been there. Done that. Rejected it. NEVER GOING BACK!

Stop wasting our time and yours.

William said...

Coward again! Hello! I'm finding you everywhere. It seems that no matter what you cut-and-paste, it is still shit. Coward pick a name... How about Marquis de Sade? Masochist? Do you love pain? Why are you still here? Why do you bother responding with cut-and-paste after people respond to you with well-thought out answers?

At least you didn't expound on a New Testament book. Oh boy, that would've been fun. Instead you pick out the book of Job (done). God said they were wrong and others were right because he's schizophrenic. He says something in one book, and does something far different in the next.

If this is an endurance test, I'm growing tired tracking you around the damn website, responding to inane babble. Perhaps you are not the same coward that has been posting around here, but I suspect you are.

If he can make some sort of book recommendation, then I will too, as I always do if the other person decides to. Read Nietzsche's "Der Antichrist", an interesting book for Christians and ex-Christians alike.

Also, I think you're getting more lazy coward/anonymous. Last time, you bothered cutting and pasting. Now you're just posting the stupid link from the website.

eel_shepherd said...

An anonymouse wrote:
"...Why does God allow [the usual litany]?...
"...God can answer you better than I can..."

Oddly enough, that's true; but not the way you were hoping...

BTW, it's "Streudel", not "Strobel"; and it's "Apple", not "Lee." And very tasty reading it is, too.

freethinker05 said...

Heres a interesting EX-christian response to god and evil. isaiah, 45:7

freethinker05 said...

boomSLANG, very interesting website,(case agaist faith), I put it in my favorites. Peace, Roger

George Davis said...

Justine...I'm sorry you've had such rotten adults in your life. Hopefully you can find peace and joy in life, now that you've dumped the christian chains. I, for one, am excited to see where life takes you. Please keep in touch!

gracefromhigh said...

The maternal figure was wrong in everyway. Some of the things the Pastor said was wrong too. They were so focused on the outwardness, not what was going on in your heart. Many churches do that, even though the bible does speak against it. I, like you went through and at time still find myself in similar situations. But I decided to stay in the Ark with all the crap (from the animals), then to be outside drawning in the flood.
I believe that even though you left the church, you didn't leave God. Understandably, because it's his followers that screws things up.

Besides, has anyone ever considered the other two factors that plays a part in all of this... Satan and Self (meaning the maternal figure's own opinion and the judgement from the members towards you)? The prodical son was thrown a party when he returned...

God said "NOTHING shall separate any of you from his love", that includes even leaving the church.

Justine (AKA) luvdemnotes said...

Grace/Anony/Passing Christian,

Not only have I left the church, but I've left this so called loving God, his son, Jesus, and all the hoopla associated with Christianity. I've delved into self education on the many subjects of religion, especially Christianity. I've seperated myself from "His Love". I don't want it, nor do I need it. My enjoyment of life has become so much greater now that I have found liberation from trying to please an unpleasable diety.

To everyone else:

I thank you for all your comments. I find this website extremely encouraging, and I have gained a plethora of knowledge from it. Please keep up the good work.

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