I have never been happier

Sent in by Kylee

I always believed in a God but basically I did my thing and he did his. Four years ago I had a very real 'divine' experience. There was simply no denying that God was calling me. This was the only way I could explain such spiritual and strange happenings that were taking place in my life. At first I approached it with an open mind and with a sincere desire to respond I followed what I believed to be God's direction for my life. I visited a Hare Chrishna farm not because I was seeking God but because I felt I had clear instructions from him to do so. It was during my stay there that I experienced a rebirth not being born again figuratively but literally having an experience of my physical body going through the birthing process. If it is not already apparent to some of you I suffer from Schizoaffective Disorder and the experience of becoming a born again Christian came complete with hallucinations and delusional prophetic messages.

After spending a night at the farm I then rejected this religion as God made it evident he had other plans for me. My next mission was to visit a Christian Orthodox church and after sitting quietly receiving their welcome and gifts of food, declaring ' God has sent me here!' I later came to the conclusion that God meant these incidents as a blessing to those who were hospitable. as in I was representative of 'the least' and 'anything you do unto the least of these you do unto me'.

Eventually I was 'led' to Christianity and also diagnosed and medicated for my illness. For four long years I suffered from depression but continued to have faith though the profound experiences of God ceased. During these four years my emotional needs often went unmet and I couldn't understand why God remained so aloof. I had to relinquish custody of my children because of the illness and I even attempted suicide. The whole four years I spent wishing I were dead yet eager to please God. Whenever I asked where was the joy I was promised I was given explanations such as"joy differs from happiness its a deep down peace." though there was nothing deep down in me but misery.

I was also very lonely and longed for a romantic relationship though being a good Christian woman I was waiting for a good Christian man.

Having a mental illness and four children I was greeted 'non-judgmentally' of course though as far as relationships go God had something far more ideal planned for those good Christian men.

For this is the Christian mentality.

I was also told at one point by a friend that God had revealed he would have a husband for me soon so i lived in this hope while the months turned into years and I got sick of being told God's understanding of soon was different to my own.

I was oppressed and forbidden to do things that could very well have made my life easier.

After being treated it took me a couple of months to realize I wasn't Jesus (this had been one of my delusions) about six months to come to terms with the fact I was not going to die from cancer (another delusion) and four years to realize God wasn't there (the greatest delusion) and now I have never been happier.

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Nvrgoingbk said...


While I do not suffer from any diagnosed mental illness, I did suffer tremendously throughout my entire Christian experience with persisting thoughts of worthlessness, guilt and condemnation, self-loathing and suicidal thoughts. I would obsess over doctrines and focus on different aspects of Christian belief that I had found to be in err. One of the issues I obsessed over was the issue of divorce and remarriage. Why were Jesus and Paul so strict regarding divorce when God permitted it in the Old Testament? I just knew I was going to Hell for remarrying even though my former husband had left me for another woman and abandoned me and his children. How long must a woman wait for reconciliation before she grabs on to a sliver of happiness with another loving man who wants to marry her and raise her children? As far as Paul was concerned, I needed to wait forever or I would be guilty of adultery.

Another issue I obsessed over was the whole rapture doctrine. I knew that the church had been decieved. I had researched the history of how the doctrine had come to be embraced by the church in the 1800's and it made me sick to see Christians believing so adamantly in a false doctrine as well as continuing to live hypocritically celebrating all of the pagan holidays and sabbaths.

The point is that if it wasn't one issue, it was another. If it wasn't the issue of faith vs. works, it was the issue of tongues. It never ceased. I wanted to worship God in spirit and in truth. I was always seeking this ever-elusive "truth" and would denomination hop all over the place hoping to find it, but I never did.

I feared Hell and the wrath of God nearly every day of my life. I would entertain thoughts of ending my life, because the obsessive thoughts would haunt me. I never felt loved by God. I never felt secure in my Salvation, because I read the bible too much. I knew that there were a myriad of way I could fuck up and incur the wrath of God despite my belief in his "son". I wasn't of the "once saved, always saved" persuasion. I knew that scriptures such as "Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling" were meant for me.

Once I began to do research and study, I found Christianity out for what it really is, and I freed myself of the shackles of religion. I am no longer haunted by obsessive thoughts regarding Hell and eternal retribution. I no longer feel guilty for percieved sin when I know that I strive to live my life with the same integrity that I always did. I am no longer visited by thoughts of ending it all. My mind is at rest now.

I am so glad to see you free of the mental anguish accompanied by the dogmas of religious belief. Do not let your experience have been in vain. Reach out to others who are shackled and perhaps you will find some purpose for the years you wasted trying to appease a god that isn't there.

stronger now said...


Thank you for sharing your story. I may suffer form some undiagnosed mental disorder, but I cannot bring myself to talk to any more therapists.(one was enough) I don't know what it is like to have hallucinations but I do know what it is like to feel that suicide is a comforting option. I'm glad you survived. I hope you can continue to find happiness. I hope you continue to find strength.

Steve said...

Hi Kylee,

Very touching story. Thanks for sharing. While I think all religious belief is delusional, have to wonder how many have treatable mental illnesses going undiagnosed. God-belief so well conceals it. You just blend right in with the rest of the delusionals.

So happy to hear you were finally able to get the treatment you need. Life is about happiness, for that finite period that we are lucky enough to experience it.

Take care.


clair said...

I'm so glad you are awake now, and doing considerably better. It can be such a long and difficult road, especially if if you don't have someone to trust and talk to. We do the very best we can. Take care of yourself,-C-

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