the end of my life

sent in by Onanite

Well ..... Things have come a long way since BIOLA. I posted a testimony here a few months ago. I knew I had cancer then, but did not mention it. Things have kind of gone downhill since then.

Today is a really bad day, lots of pain, even though I am on the best pain meds. Science can only do so much. I am still at home, where I want to be. I do not want to die in a hospital or hospice. My partner has agreed, he is wonderful.

I read this site everyday, I love it. My reality is that there is no God, maybe I will find out differently soon. I know one thing for sure, if there is a god, it has to be better than all I know about love.

You see, for me non-existence is like a deep sleep, nothing to fear. Just the end of all reality. There is no pain, there is just nothingness. Nothing to be afraid of.

I cannot say that I am not afraid of dying, I am. But I know that it could not be worse than what I feel right now.


Beverly Hills
Joined: I was a youngster
Left: Late teens
Was: Christian and Misionary Alliance - BIOLA University
Now: Atheist
Converted because: Family
De-converted because: Reality


Anonymous said...

My deepest sympathies. I 'm so sorry for your situation. I wish you peace and comfort.


Steven Bently said...

Geez Onanite, thats so sad! I seen you around in the forums and read many of your great posts. If it's any consolation, you will never know when you are dead, nor will you ever know that you ever lived, in fact you will be free forever, from pain, sadness, foolish, politics, religions, Earthly human ideals, you will dwell in an over whelming calmness for eternity, and you will be set free from the prison of thought, and you will be sadly missed by us here, until we meet up with you in the oneness of space and the Universe. You'll always be here on Earth, in our memeory and you cannot officialy leave until all of us have, one by one.

Enjoy your peaceful journey into the freedom that you've never known, my friend. :-(

Anonymous said...

Hi Onanite,

This is the type of post that leaves a person silent, with nothing to say back.

I don't have very much to say to you. I just sit here in owe of your courage. Your courage to have left a belief system that hurt you beyond description. The courage to live the life you wanted to live under your own terms.

I feel lucky to have crossed your path, to have read your posts, to have shared this forum with you.

Peace to you,


Piprus said...

Hello, Onanite,

Thank you for posting this note, for it brings to mind the reality we all must face, without exception. And you show a great and noble strength in your brief note, and I salute you for it.

As a non-religous person, I believe the best we can hope for and believe in, is that in the course of our lives is that we have done some good, albeit seemingly small at the time, that moves us forward and leaves us with the sense that it was a good ride while we were here and living. Any small act of goodness toward another that we did in our life journey, we have no way of knowing how that can be multiplied through the course of time. But we can take satisfaction that we strove to take the high road, despite our faults and our mistakes.

May peace, serenity, and comfort be yours. Farewell.


cdmon said...


My sympathies for your situation. I am sorry to hear about your ordeal with dreadful disease. I know people who have been through the same thing. It is sad.

For whatever it's worth, I've truly enjoyed reading your posts, you rock! Thank you for sharing a little part of yourself with us. We will miss you.

I bid you peace and comfort.


emptycan said...

Hi, Onanite,

My love and respect to you.

You told:
"You see, for me non-existence is like a deep sleep, nothing to fear. Just the end of all reality. There is no pain, there is just nothingness. Nothing to be afraid of."

I agree with you. It is very true that, before even jehovah was created by israelites' perverted imagination, many people were born and died. And the hellfire and heaven were created only after the fucking jehovah was created. Like people were born and died without judaism and chritianity, people were born and died without hell and heaven. I know this very clearly because I am from eastern world and, for really long and long time, eastern people have been born and died without even hearing c of chrsitianiy. So all eastern people are in hell? If so, I will stand up and fight against that damend fucking devil jehovah. But I actually don't have to, because the religion was only perverted israelites' unethical imagination. So, needless to say, no hell nor heaven should a man get afraid of.

I think that Xnity is like a cheap horror movie. When people watch a horror movie, they know that it is just movie and no reality at all. But, they get scared sometimes by the movie anyway. However, they think a liitle bit more of that, they know there is no reason to be scared of baseless story of horror movie. I think the christianity is one of the most horrible and malicious horror movie.

I know you are already out of that christian horror and have peace in your mind. I just say this because I would like to confirm your peace as far as I can.

Onanite, I give you my respect for your sincerity and courage of your life. Even with this post, you affirmed that your life was good and meaningful. You have valuable things to show us through your experience.

Thank you again for the valuable story of your life.

Anonymous said...

I've seen your post, and I will remember you well. If there's an afterlife, it's not the one the christian church teaches. I would believe in reincarnation, perhaps, or some ascension to a higher plane.

Peace, man.

exkccop said...

Thanks for your courageous post. I regret I have not known you personally. I sincerely hope your time will be peaceful and of courage. I am sorry that I am incapable of expressing what I feel for you now; this is a weakness of mine. Your attitude and outlook certainly eclipse the sentiments of the reigious. Thanks again for your post.

webmdave said...


Thanks for sharing so much of your time and so many of your observations with us. You will ever be a part of all of us.

Anonymous said...


Add me to the list of those who have admired your words on this forum. I hope you know that because you have opened your life up to share your personal experiences with others here, you have enlightened many a cyber friends. May you find serenity and strength to help you through this time and to put your mind at ease.

We all shine on! Like the moon, the stars, and the sun.
Love lives on.

Anonymous said...

I am so saddened to hear that you are suffering. I have enjoyed your posts and wish you peace. RJ

Tim Simmons said...

I really don't know you but I wanted to chime in and also express my feelings. I wish you as little pain as possible and a peace of mind knowing that you will be better in death than life in terms of suffering. We were all in non-existence before we were conceived so we will all be going back to oblivion from whence we came.

If you can find it on the web (heck, let me find it for you... one sec... )

Okay, if you haven't read this, you must. It is a story by H.P. Lovecraft called "Ex Oblivione".

Lovecraft was an atheist and this story... just read it. It's all of two pages.

I wish you the best.


Tim Simmons said...

the end of that link is:


Anonymous said...


I wish you peace at this end to your pain and suffering. Be happy that you have touched all of us and that we were proud to have you as part of our community.

We will miss you.


mq59 said...

I will pray for you and your partner, and your various family members.

I'm sorry if I sound like an insensitive ass, but it's not too late.

Shannon said...

Onanite, thank-you for sharing. Your voice will surely be missed. Rest well. Peace.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry, Onanite. My best wishes to you and yours. I agree with the other psters: this does take courage and nobility.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for spending time with us.
Smile, my friend, and find some peace.

Anonymous said...

I note that "emptycan" refers to the "Israelites perverted imaginations"...made up or not they were way ahead of most of the barbarities surrounding them.

What emptycan is spouting, however, is anti- semitic propaganda.

Pure horse manure.

rocky said...

Our hats off to you, friend. Peace.

Prometheus said...


I apologize for the misrepresentation of Christ that runs rampant in Christianity. From what little I have read, I see that your experiences with Christians were incredibly hypocritical and harsh at the very least.

I hope that others do not have to experience the church like you once did.

I hope that your last days on earth enjoyable and peaceful. I hope that you will leave this world knowing the Truth.

Anonymous said...

Onanite, hope you're having better days. It comforts to know, that there is tranquility in the still of ones' life, and we all reach that point in our own due course. We live in nature, but as humans, we seem to create and manage chaos. There is much energy unnecessarily expended during our lives, so that we can conform to the changing environment, and it drain us.

May you find ultimate peace, devoid of any need to be more or less, than the beautiful person you are.

jimearl said...

Onanite, thanks for showing us that when we reach the end of life, we don't have to have some religion to help us in our final days. I wish you peace, comfort and joy and thanks for sharing your words and opinions with us.

freeman said...

It is a pleasure to "know" you. Your post are insightful, intelligent and logical.
Wishing you all the best!
Rudy Cox

Anonymous said...

My tenure here is also quite a bit shorter than I thought, and though my end will be rather messy, it will be quick and relatively painless. Please accept a hand on your shoulder, we all may be far apart, but you are far from alone.

A young freind of mine (church going believer, but still an excellent young man with possibilities unlimited except by himself) spoke to me a couple weeks ago, said it just dawned on him that he was going to die someday. Disturbed him greatly, wanted to know how I coped. I have directed him to this entry, and with the other things I told him, I hope this helps him.

From me to you, peace.

J. C. Samuelson said...


Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us, and your many thoughts. My hope for you is that you will have the strength to maintain your courage in the face of your ordeal, that it will become less painful, and that the passage we must all make from this life is peaceful, surrounded by your loved ones and friends.

Know that you will be missed.

From one of your many cyber admirers...


emptycan said...

I have seen the concern of Basement Activist, who worried that my reference to isrelite could be read as anti semitic propaganda.

I am sorry if that word gave you that impression. I am not anti-semitic and have no problem against Jewish people. I just pointed out the historical fact. If there is any other word which conveys the historical fact and sounds pro(?)-semitic, please be kind enough to tell me what the word is. I fully recognize and sympathize the sufferings of isrelites in their unfortunate history.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry to here about your condition, you will be ok. Even though you dont beleive in God, you will, I'm not a christian, I'm more spiritual. My cousin died 14 years ago from Tuesday. It was very pain then, my aunt and uncle have gone to a few psychics, including John Edwards before he was famous, the things that he had said, would make any skeptic believe. He couldnt have possibly have none those things, if you only knew, on TV they can do anything, so its hard to beleive but in real life, you would believe that there was an afterlife if you heard him. I really wish you the very best. When you realize that there is an afterlife, please try to let your family know you are ok.

Best Brian

Anonymous said...

Hi onanite.Everyone of us has to face death in the future. Death is akin to sleep. Even the Old Testament (not that I believe in bible crap thesedays)says "The dead know nothing". As far as I'm concerned that's the end of the road. The brainwashed though would not agree but the reality is they just don't know. Maybe our conscienctiousness (electrical magnet force) blends in with the universe. No one though has any realistic idea of what happens at death apart from nothingness. It's a damn pity that in many instances pain is associated with dying.

Pastor Doug Hoag said...


I haven't read any of your posts (at least I don't think that I have), but I will starting today. After having read this post I'm sure you have some provocative, yet insightful, thoughts.

I also believe that there's nothing to fear in death, not because I necessarily believe in a post-mortem ethereal amusement park, but because death is as natural as a leaf falling from a tree in autumn. Who would argue with a leaf?

What happens post-mortem? Honestly, I don't know. I don't think a disembodied afterlife is the main thrust of Scripture.

That said, there's no guarantee that we will not be frightened when our time comes. I know I probably will, so I don't envy your fears at all. But you have displayed courage by posting about your cancer, which is always helpful for any others struggling with much the same thing.

I'm not sure if my words get too far in this forum, but I put them out there anyway!

I wish you peace!

P.S.-- How is your partner doing?

Anonymous said...

I just saw a movie where someone is dying of cancer. A sympathetic doctor tells them that heroin is 500 times as potent as morphine. He said that if they could get it and afford it, they should use it. They got it, used it, and the victim spent his last days cheerful and lucid.

xrayman said...

My thoughts are with you. Thanks for sharing with us all. It's hard to get used to not using the old standard empty gesuture. "I'll say a prayer for you," but I know that would do no good. You will most certainly be at peace.

To the person who mentioned John Edward. What did he come back with that was so real and unbelievable? I think that fellow is a hell of a con man laughing all the way to the back. If he can truly talk to the dead why hasn't he claimed the one million dollars offered by James Randi.

Anonymous said...

Wow, you all are great. Thanks so much for your thoughts, they really gave me a lift.

Just to let you all know, my doctor will fit me with a morphine pump tomorrow. He says it should help. Cool.

Thanks again everyone

mq59 said...

Someone else is dying too? (Sarge)

Oh dear.

Anonymous said...


Some of these posts probably aren't helping you. I'd like to try.

I want you to know that what you did was good, throwing off the shackles of Christianity. Yahweh was only one of the gods worshipped on a very small chunk of land thousands of miles from here and thousands of years ago. Jesus claimed to be this same god, in the flesh, and very few believed him. Some of those who did believe him said he came back to life. The empty tomb story never made sense. Solomon was probably right that the dead know nothing.

Solomon didn't seem particularly afraid of death, just kinda bummed out about the inevitable prospect and the finality of it.

The worst thing about death is that people who love you won't have you any more, and you won't be able to enjoy them any more. Love is the highest value. The rest is just stuff. ("Here, you can have my wallet. But please don't shoot me. I have kids at home.")

Well, I'm new to this post, but it looks like you have friends who will miss you. It's sad that you'll be missed. I hope it also comforts you to know that you'll be missed because you've done good and others value you.

Susan Bury, in a recent Skeptical Inquirer article said, ". . . our best approach to life [and death] may be humility before the staggering complexity of what surrounds us and gratitude for everything we have." I think there are many people who are grateful they have you and will always be grateful for your memory.

Anonymous said...


I wish you the best.


Take care.

Anonymous said...

This is to answer XRAYMAN about John Edwards, your right anyone and even i thought that he was a con man, becuase they can make so much shit up on TV to make it real. I do believe that there are many other "so called" claimed psychis that are BS, just to make a buck. If my aunt and unlce never went to him, I wouldnt have believed him either. They even recorded it, but here is just a few things that he had mentioned to my aunt and uncle about my cousin.

1) I was very close to my cousin, he was like my best friend. So in the reading John Edwards mentioned my name Brian to the tee, saying that my cousin wants to tell me that he is ok. Now, for him to get my name correctly out of my entire family, which is pretty big family is amazing, especialy when my aunt and uncle lived in NY and I lived in Florida.

2) He also mentioned the name of another cousin, that my cousin was close to on his mother's side. Which I never meet, To tell her that he was ok.

3) Also, at the time i was going through a rough depression, i even wanted to kill myself, so I was committed to a hospital for depression, Now...think about this one...this is another "he couldnt have possibly known this", in the hospital, i was so depressed and frustrated, so i threw a chair. Keep in mind... I'm in Florida and they were in NY, John Edwards mentioned that my cousin told John about a chair being thrown and to tell BRIAN that dont worry because everything is going to be ok.

4) Another thing was, my aunt and uncle put into my cousins coffin his favorate baseball cards, now keep in mind there was absolutely nobody around when they did this, and the funeral was a closed casket because my cousin was pretty banged up from the accident, so nobody knew that they put the cards in, plus they didnt do it until the funeral was over and they didnt tell anyone either. John Edwards said that Micheal (my cousin) thanks them from putting his favorate baseball cards with him.

Now..there was a lot more that I can share. which my aunt and uncle had recorded.

But think about this, from everyone and all my cousins in the family, he mentioned Micheal's to close ones, myself and the one from his mothers side, he mentioned the baseball cards which nobody was around to document it, he mentioned about me throwing a chair and being depressed, plus I was in Florida and they were in NY, which i was depressed before my cousin was killed, of course that didnt help.

The details, are the details that only one would know if they were there, now either John Edwards is either the best guesser for accuracy or he really is talking to the dead. Either way that's pretty dam gifted. You can make your own conclusion, but for me and my family, my cousin is still alive and around us all the time.

My aunt and unlce also went to another psychic, this Tuesday April 11th, 14th year my cousin died, I dont think it was John Edwards, another amazing reading. I can tell you that one if you want me too.

take care, Brian

Anonymous said...


I am so sorry to hear that. I wish you a peaceful journey, wherever it may lead. Take care.

Anonymous said...

I don't know what to say, except goodbye.

Your Pal,

Anonymous said...

Onanite,..I think you and I posted around the same time,and I always
enjoyed your comments.The people
on this site are awesume, and your
situation has brought them out of the woodwork! Thank you for your courage and support as we send back to you our love. Peace to you and all those who love you.

Anonymous said...

I look at death the same way, a peaceful sleep.

Too often we comfort others because they have lost someone, it is rare that we are able to wish someone well on their journey into the unknown.

May you find peace, and at the very least, live on in the hearts and minds of those who love you.

Bill Dearmore said...


I hope the morphine pump helps you. I've had one for just over two years to help with the pain of a degenerative nerve condition, and it helps me a lot.

You have my best wishes,


SpaceMonk said...

Onanite, I liked your testimony, and I've appreciated your posts.
It's been good to know you.

See you in space.

Anonymous said...

John Edwards is a con man.

I watched a special on 48 hours or 60 minutes...don't remember which one exactly. The subject of the news show was about questioning the validity of those who claim to have psychic powers.

These people get paid to tell lies and make educated guesses. As J.E. and others point to a section of the audience and says..."I am getting a name that begins with a B." Well, probability tells you that names beginning with B are common enough to have someone in that audience to whom it applies.

But this show went even further.

Private investigators actually infiltrated the J.E. show and caught their scheme on tape. They also found an inside whistleblower that was willing to talk about and expose the truth behind the John Edwards Crossing Over show.

Certain staff members of his show were being implanted in the studio seats amongst the audience before the show actually began. They were fishing for information, as the incognito staff members pretended to be just another guest as they would talk like they were there for the same reasons. They would ask common questions from those unsuspecting members in the audience that were seated around them. Many times, they did not even have to do that because people were just talking openly about their anticipated "reading" and the pain caused by the passing of their loved ones.

Meanwhile, their microphones transmitted those personal conversations taking place between the shows "spies" and several other participants.

Relative and specific information about people and their deceased loved ones were always inadvertently revealed as they sat in the studio sharing stories amongst themselves about whom they would like to "hear from".
The information then guided the content of the show via the producer and John Edwards back stage.

It was a set up and he got busted.
That is why he is no longer being broadcasted on cable or primetime. He was and is an absolute fraud.

Sorry to tell you that, but it pisses me off when folks like him use other peoples emotions for their own personal financial gains, especially because it uses the deaths of loved ones.

It is all too typical of the entire religious plot to convince the billions of gullible people in our world that they are more special for pretending to be connecting to a supernatural being while at the same time, it disconnects them from their own natural identity as a regular member of the human race.

This thread is not the place for this discussion...but I feel it should be publicly corrected as it relates to a prior posting from Brian. I think everyone should know the bitter truth about this trifling scam.

steve said...


You are beautiful.


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