I almost killed myself early this morning. Not on purpose, mind you. And I am embarrassed to say it would have been a really stooopid way to die.
And the only reason I am writing this is to say that I must be a true atheist. Not once in the minutes before I blacked out did I even consider offering myself up to god. And I had always wondered if I would--at my last breath, if there was time--do just that.
I take a lot of medicine. As usual this morning, I swallowed all the little pills in a handful, washed down with milk. Then came the several capsules, also in a handful. Then the horse pills, one at a time with a swallow of milk. But this time, several of them piled up on one another and blocked my air flow.
I went to the sink and tried to swallow water. Nope--stuck. I tried to cough--OK, a little wheeze of air was getting through. But, not enough to sustain me for long, and those horse pills were solid. They were not going to dissolve any time soon.
So, I dialed 911. Couldn't talk. But I grabbed a pen and paper by the phone and jotted down, "Big pill stuck in throat." And I held on to that note.
I heard the paramedics slamming through the front door before I blacked out. My last thoughts were something like, "Good! Now my husband won't come home and find me dead on the floor. There will be someone to tell him. . . . Oh, where's the dog?" (ancient deaf dog--18 years old today. Didn't want him to get stepped on by the medics.)
Now, I am sore and swollen and a little wheezy. And I have had a ginormous headache for most of the day. But, I am here.
I am a little surprised that my only real fear was that my husband would be alone when he found me. I really was not afraid of dying. A little fear of brain damage due to lack of oxygen did flash through my mind somewhere in there. And possible dog-squashing. He's very small, and frail, and deaf, and blends in with the carpet.
But not once did god or heaven or repenting of sins or praying for my life flash through my brain. It just didn't occur to me. Somehow, that makes me feel pretty good.