This is the first such comment I have made on any website, ever. For a number of months I have read all sorts of comments and debates on all manner of topics. Sadly, I realise that most of the stuff I have been reading has been about God, Jesus, faith, Christianity and so on. All born, I realise now, out of a crisis of faith; a search for meaning. In a sense, I guess I am writing this as a form of therapy (which I have been having formally as I make my way through the mud and mire of my recent confusion and crisis). In many ways, I find myself in a place that I didn't expect to be. With hindsight, I realise that I thought I had moved on from the fundamentalism of my early adulthood. I was young, facing the world as a young adult, replete with the lingering emotional wounds from an absent father from the age of 2 yrs and all the subsequent issues and baggage of step-families, and grappling with my place in the world. Christianity, to which I came as a 19 year old, gave me a place an

By Telesmith I cannot believe. This statement is distinctly different than saying that I will not believe. Assenting to the claims of Christianity would mean betraying myself and what I now know. It would be akin to forcing myself to believe that I don’t have two legs. That would simply be impossible. No amount of mental coercion could accomplish such a feat. I know damn well that I have two legs just as I know damn well that Jesus was not God, the bible is not God’s book and he most certainly did not die for my sins. It all happened quite different than I ever imagined it would. I, as a Christian, thought that those who had backslidden simply “chose” to walk away. Maybe some do make an affirmative choice to leave the fold but for me it would have been an affirmative choice to stay and that affirmative choice would have been to lie to myself. I learned things I did not know before. I asked questions that I was not supposed to ask. I did not leave Christianity; I was spoil

Sent in by Thomas M This has to be one of the most difficult decisions I have made in my Life. With each keystroke my heart pounds a little harder. My ascent into an ex-Christian has been a painful and liberating journey. I may be young (25) but I have a lot to tell. My Dad was born again when I was five years old. He felt the call of god and moved out to Springfield, Mo to attend Bible College when I was 12. He was an old-time pentecostal full of the spirit. He pastored 2 churches and currently is a minister for a jail. I was home schooled from 3rd grade till 10th grade due to sin in schools. The only people I knew were pentecostal people. When I graduated from High School I had a dream of becoming an inner city pastor doing what Jesus wanted: Giving up everything and helping the poor. I went to my Dad's bible college where I fell into sin and was booted for a year. In that year I studied the Bible diligently wanting to become the most concrete christian I could so I woul

Sent in by Monk I was raised in the Church of Christ. Both my mom and dad have attended the same church since before I was born, and my dad has actually been an elder (think bishop if elder makes no sense to you) there for over 20 years. It’s a family tradition, going there. Ever since I was a child, I hated going to church…not once in my life can I EVER remember wanting to go. The bottom line: I never really believed, though I always pretended to. However, you can only live a lie for so long before it starts to eat you. I finally succumbed to my family’s pressure to be baptized (a rite of passage in the Church of Christ) in March 2001 when I was 19 years old and a couple of months away from entering the Marine Corps reserves (since this was pre- 9/11, there wasn’t an over-riding fear that I might die in war…yet). For the next few years, I managed to balance my reserve commitments with college, and life generally went on as always. Going through the motions of being a Christian (prayi

Sent in by Justine S Since this is my very first testimony (ever!), I just ask that you all please be patient and bear with me. I guess I should start at the beginning... there's two portions to my Christian life. I'll save the fundamental stuff for later. Growing up, my mother was somewhat involved with the Lutheran Church. She used to drag my sister and I almost every Sunday, although I believe this was more of my grandparents' conviction than God's. I don't remember too much about church services except stand up... say some things... sit down... repeat. I do remember being in the children's choir, and winter retreats quite fondly, however. They were really nice people, and they didn't seem to force religion. They were just happy to be helping children and giving them something to do. It was about the time for Confirmation Classes that I stopped going, and by this time, it was much to my relief. I had better things to do. My parents were having gr

By Brother Jeff The following is a glorious update to my original 2002 " extimony ." I grew up in a nominally religious home. I was raised United Methodist, but at home religion was limited to occasionally reading some bible stories, and that's about it. I quit going to church when I was about ten years old, and didn't get involved in religion again until I was 19-years old. At that time, through the influence of my good friend Mike, I became a "sold out to Jesus" fanatic fundie. That was a huge change for me, going from a party animal alcoholic and drug user to Jesus Freak. It was a huge adjustment for my family too. I was still living at home at the time, and I remember when Mike and I came home one day and we were climbing the stairs on the way to my bedroom, my younger sister laughed when she heard us going on about how wonderful Jesus was. She thought it was hysterically funny, but of course I knew that she just wasn't saved - yet. I had religion, a

Sent in by Caleb C I recently de-converted from Christianity a couple of months ago. I am still very conflicted and am struggling with the idea of telling my friends. I have told one though, and have had several conversations with him about it since. Every time I talk to him, I am ever repeatedly reminded of the fundamentalist way of thinking. In the face of whatever rational information / history / science you offer them, they can only respond with a confused and agitated look. In their mind, they keep thinking... "there must be some explanation, some conspiracy to this. I just don't know what it is yet." To me, the biggest problem is that the "Christian message" is always delivered in a very protected way. A way similar to brain-washing. Go to a fundamentalist with a question of doubt resulting from something you read or watched on TV, and they will often give the same response (they often did to me). They'll tell you to "guard your mind&qu

Sent in by Insanity_personified Well I guess it could be argued that I was bound to de-convert from the Christian religion. My testimony isn't as dramatic as many here but I'll give it to you anyway First my age. I'm 15 years old, 16 in August. Some around me take this to mean that I am incapable of making informed decisions about my own life, what I want it to be, what my ambitions are, etc. Unfortunately for me one of these people happens to be my own father. This may not seem important but it was ultimately one simple statement from my dad that sent my Christian belief to hell (pun, yes) I was/still am being raised Christian, in a Christian home, at a Christian school run by a Christian church. Religion is everywhere in my life much to my dismay, and thus I didn't think to question anything for a very long time... but one thing stayed the same no matter how much into Christianity I was. My father loves Jesus... even as a seven-year-old I felt neglected by his seemin

A de-conversion testimonial from Malaysia Sent in by perianwalsh Note It was not until months later of my deconversion I decide to write down my testimonial childhood I was born in a part-deist/skeptic family. Being a timid child, I always take things at face value. I never dare to ask why, why that's wrong...I just accept it. It just happened that I was fascinated by xtianity -again being a timid child, I am shy from talking to others about my own feelings, so I convinced myself that there's some higher powers/God care about my welfare, my feelings. I was too influenced by CSLewis' chronicles of Narnia.it was after I Left xtianity then I realised he incorporated the jesus story into his book. before: the church members tried to tell me about Adam(I AM NOT from xtian countries so I rather devoid of the sinning concept) sinning then all men sin (that's the original sin concept) and why we need to be saved. i am amazed(some of my xtian friends,regarding to the i

Sent in by Kat I was raised in Maryland under strict gospel Baptist teachings: salvation, hell and damnation, witnessing. Christianity permeated my entire life. I was active in youth groups and Christian-based school activities (i.e., "Prayer at the Flagpole," which is actually a violation of the commandment of Matthew 6:6: "But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly"). I entered theological studies and became a lay youth minister at 22, on the fast track to becoming ordained and leading my own flock (note the use of sheep analogy when discussing Christians: sheep are docile and easy to control). Fortunately for me (unfortunately for the church as they lost a very active missionary), I began to think about how my life lined up with the teachings I was given. I was born a child of rape, which made my mother (who has

Sent in by Jamie Since de-converting, the question of "what is spiritual" comes up a lot. I am learning to just let it flow and enjoy it, whatever "it" is and even if "it" is simply my imagination. The other day, a man I know shared about how agitated he was and how he realized that he was trying to control everything. "When I remember that it is God's will, not mine," he said, "then things are okay and I am at peace". I had to think about this a lot. From this new perspective of mine, it seemed meaningless. He said he was giving control back to God (or "letting go and letting God" in the cultural parlance). It occurred to me that what he thinks of as "God's Will" is simply the way things are. He is at peace when he accepts the world around him as it is. ...As it is... If we personified "The world as it is"--if the world could speak in the first person--would it say, "I Am"? Isn&#

Sent in by Jannah Growing up in a Christian home has been an adventure. My parents were pot smoking hippies until the year before I was born. They had friends who were Christians, and they became "born-again" Christians into the Foursquare/ pentecostal/ non-denominational church. They thrived in the environment, and so did I and my 5 sisters. I went to Sunday school, then taught at Sunday school and went to youth group, then became a youth pastor and attended church where I was the praise and worship leader, the women's ministry leader, a church elder, an itinerant leader leading praise and worship at newly established churches, became involved in the victims of crime ministry, community ministry, and I was in a Christian band that traveled and recorded with famous Christian musicians. You name it, I did it. My parents were proud. I wanted to experience God's miracles, love, and awesomeness. But, nothing ever came of the promises. I believed I had faith bigger than a

Sent in by Mary R I was raised a Catholic, and later during my teen years converted to Christianity. After many years of being a devout Christian, I started to suspect that something was wrong with many of the teachings that Christian leaders had been teaching in their churches and Sunday schools for so many years. For the first time in my Christian life a feeling of mistrust and doubt arose within me when I started to question the virginal birth of Jesus or Jesus himself being God—to me, that formula didn't make sense anymore—after I learned that the concept of Gods impregnating humans to have physical sons is pure mythology. The belief in earth-born gods or "demi-gods" (called Sons of the Gods) and their coming into the world by human birth (gods impregnating humans) was prevalent among the heathen long prior to the era of Christianity. I also discovered that the sayings of Jesus (in the New Testament) are not original. In fact, his sayings or teachings are a body of wo

Sent in by George R. Davis On April 27, 1971, I skipped my last class of the day and followed an old railroad bed behind the school into town to the neighborhood pharmacy. After some surreptitious searching among potions and hot water bottles, I found the bottle of Sominex (“Take Sominex tonight and sleep, Safe and restful, sleep...sleep...sleep.”). I guiltily handed the clerk a crumpled five dollar bill, studiously avoiding her eyes, feeling like I was buying a Playboy magazine. At home later that afternoon I stuffed the bottle under my pillow, full well planning to swallow the entire contents that evening and end my miserable, despairing existence. The thought of death was sweet. No more suffering. No more emotional pain. The added benefit of my suicide would be revenge against those who had contributed to my pain... to pay them back for all the bullying and verbal abuse through the years. Some kids in pain lash out with violence; others shut down and destroy themselves by suicide. I

Sent in by Michael F I myself am an ex-Christian of the pentecostal/evangelical type. I joined the church after I had an experience reading and understanding parts of the Bible. I felt as though God himself was speaking to me and giving me wisdom. Coming from a rather "spiritual" lifestyle, the scriptures appeared to have the real spiritual meat I was searching for. I later came to understand salvation through Christ,and had given myself to Him, no looking back. I left my finance, got rid of old literature, cut off ties with people, and gave myself as a servant of Christ. Problems arose while studying the Bible. My main stumbling block was the whole idea of an imminent second coming of Christ. How could the Bible be the perfect word of God, when Jesus, Paul, and John kept spouting of of the nearness of the second coming. It was not something to be overlooked, since it is a central prophecy in the New Testament. Either God's word means what it says, or it doesn't. By t

Sent in by Kylee I always believed in a God but basically I did my thing and he did his. Four years ago I had a very real 'divine' experience. There was simply no denying that God was calling me. This was the only way I could explain such spiritual and strange happenings that were taking place in my life. At first I approached it with an open mind and with a sincere desire to respond I followed what I believed to be God's direction for my life. I visited a Hare Chrishna farm not because I was seeking God but because I felt I had clear instructions from him to do so. It was during my stay there that I experienced a rebirth not being born again figuratively but literally having an experience of my physical body going through the birthing process. If it is not already apparent to some of you I suffer from Schizoaffective Disorder and the experience of becoming a born again Christian came complete with hallucinations and delusional prophetic messages. After spending a night at

Sent in by Gregg T As a child I was often under the influence of my Mothers religious beliefs. She was a born again Christian and taught my sister and I from an early age that if we didn't accept Jesus as our saviour we would end up in hell. As a child I loved Jesus and by the time I was in my late teens Christianity had become my refuge. Talking to Jesus and going to church felt good. It gave me hope, courage and strength. Most of the time I felt happy and optimistic about the future. Amongst the happy times though I also experienced deep loneliness and pain. Growing up gay in a small, rural city wasn't easy. I didn't "act gay" though so no one ever really knew...until I came completely out in the local news paper when I was 19. Shortly after coming out I moved to the big city and life took a dramatic, downward turn. I abandoned my Christian beliefs, left all the friends and family I had ever known and ended up in a far worse place. I was chronically unhappy and