I am definitely not a Christian anymore
Sent in by Jennifer N
Ok (deep breath), I think that I'm finally ready to put into words what I have been feeling in the last year or so about leaving Christianity. While I was reading some of the other testimonials on this site, I was amazed at the stories of people who had rejected Christianity outright from childhood. All I can say is that I wish I had your backbone but I never was a rebel, and instead I am a bit of an introvert and like to avoid conflict.
I was raised in a mainstream Protestant denomination and my family were not"born-again" or "right-wing" type of Christians. I had great parents and was not really limited in what I could wear, watch, read, etc. We went to church on a fairly regular basis, but we weren't averse to skipping a week or two here and there, especially if there was an important game on. My mom had been a bit of a rebel herself by leaving Catholicism when she married my dad (she didn't like the Roman Catholic stance on women), but she still thought religion was important and made sure that I was baptized, confirmed etc.
As I said before I am a bit shy and introverted, which is really hard as a kid. I had an especially difficult time in middle school and high school and turned to reading the Bible and religion as comfort. Feeling closer to God helped me feel less isolated and alone. In college I was a biology major and I did very well in my classes, but I still tried to conform religion with science. I guess you could say that I was in the "intelligent design" camp. Although I became a bit less introverted as an adult, i still hung on to my religion and prayed faithfully every night.
The big wake up call for me was during a trip to Africa when I met a preacher (who was white) who would go around to black communities ravaged by AIDS and tell them about how condoms have microscopic holes in them and are not effective, and how everyone must be abstinent until marriage, etc. He had a pamphlet that he gave out telling people with AIDS to repent of their sins, etc. I was pretty pissed off about this BS, and it definitely made me question the values that Christianity is imparting around the world, but I still was not ready to leave religion entirely. Then by chance I happened to pick up the book "The Spiral Staircase" by Karen Armstrong which is the autobiography of an ex-nun who leaves Christianity. While I was reading the book I began to realize that I was feeling just like her. To see some of your own thoughts mirrored back to you on paper and realizing that you are not the only one to have them was a life-changing experience.
It has been over a year since I read that book and I have been taking baby steps towards leaving Christianity ever since. I don't really go to church or pray anymore, but my family has been very negative about me leaving Christianity, so I have to keep my feelings to myself when I am around them. The other problem I am having is trying to "fill the void" left by rejecting the religion that has been my spiritual center. I am definitely not a Christian anymore, but I don't think that I am wholly an atheist either, and still want to have a spiritual connection. Some elements of Buddhism appeal to me and I took a course on it in college, but I don't think just switching to another religion is the right fit either. I guess right now I have settled on "spiritual but not deist" and I'll work from there.
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Ok (deep breath), I think that I'm finally ready to put into words what I have been feeling in the last year or so about leaving Christianity. While I was reading some of the other testimonials on this site, I was amazed at the stories of people who had rejected Christianity outright from childhood. All I can say is that I wish I had your backbone but I never was a rebel, and instead I am a bit of an introvert and like to avoid conflict.
I was raised in a mainstream Protestant denomination and my family were not"born-again" or "right-wing" type of Christians. I had great parents and was not really limited in what I could wear, watch, read, etc. We went to church on a fairly regular basis, but we weren't averse to skipping a week or two here and there, especially if there was an important game on. My mom had been a bit of a rebel herself by leaving Catholicism when she married my dad (she didn't like the Roman Catholic stance on women), but she still thought religion was important and made sure that I was baptized, confirmed etc.
As I said before I am a bit shy and introverted, which is really hard as a kid. I had an especially difficult time in middle school and high school and turned to reading the Bible and religion as comfort. Feeling closer to God helped me feel less isolated and alone. In college I was a biology major and I did very well in my classes, but I still tried to conform religion with science. I guess you could say that I was in the "intelligent design" camp. Although I became a bit less introverted as an adult, i still hung on to my religion and prayed faithfully every night.
The big wake up call for me was during a trip to Africa when I met a preacher (who was white) who would go around to black communities ravaged by AIDS and tell them about how condoms have microscopic holes in them and are not effective, and how everyone must be abstinent until marriage, etc. He had a pamphlet that he gave out telling people with AIDS to repent of their sins, etc. I was pretty pissed off about this BS, and it definitely made me question the values that Christianity is imparting around the world, but I still was not ready to leave religion entirely. Then by chance I happened to pick up the book "The Spiral Staircase" by Karen Armstrong which is the autobiography of an ex-nun who leaves Christianity. While I was reading the book I began to realize that I was feeling just like her. To see some of your own thoughts mirrored back to you on paper and realizing that you are not the only one to have them was a life-changing experience.
It has been over a year since I read that book and I have been taking baby steps towards leaving Christianity ever since. I don't really go to church or pray anymore, but my family has been very negative about me leaving Christianity, so I have to keep my feelings to myself when I am around them. The other problem I am having is trying to "fill the void" left by rejecting the religion that has been my spiritual center. I am definitely not a Christian anymore, but I don't think that I am wholly an atheist either, and still want to have a spiritual connection. Some elements of Buddhism appeal to me and I took a course on it in college, but I don't think just switching to another religion is the right fit either. I guess right now I have settled on "spiritual but not deist" and I'll work from there.
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Comments
I am starting to even notice some similiar phrasing in a number of them.
Still lookkng into it.
Good luck in your journey.
I wonder... Are these fellows Christian? If so, how do they feel about belittling a painful time in people's lives? Do thye have so little to do with their lives that posting a phony deconversion story among the many legitimate ones is entertainment for them? Perhaps you should tell them to leave the student center and find a girlfriend... Or a boyfriend... Which ever is their preference.
And - you will undoubtedly find patterns to these stories. No different than you will find patterns in Christian testimonies. We all go through similar experiences with similar emotions - which is why this site is such a value to people who have learned that Christianity is a cold, dry pile of bull shit.
Spoomonkey
PS - I am now laughing at the pathetic lives that college students have now days... My experience in college was far more rewarding than that.
I have heard a similar point raised elsewhere. It really needs to be looked into.
If people want to write phoney stories, go find a fiction board.
He's just a troll. Nice religion he's got, huh?
Mine, too. For one thing, I took a course on the "History of the Bible" in the first semester of my freshman year that I credit with freeing me from christianity forever.
The christians have at least one thing right - "The truth shall set you free." Too bad so many of them are afraid to face the truth.
"The other problem I am having is trying to "fill the void" left by rejecting the religion that has been my spiritual center."
I was never very religious but I never realized how God Damned much I prayed on a daily basis until I completely found God to be imaginary and prayer to be worthless. Stopping it was hard, kind of like smoking. There was this huge viod in my brain that I didn't know how to fill. Well as time has gone by, things have gotten easier. It's been a year and a few months since I said my last prayer, and I just don't think about it much anymore. My head is now filled with many other thoughts and that is nice : ).
xrayman
Thanks for sharing your story. It does take a lot of courage to open up your mind and life to look beyond what you have always been instructed to think and believe.
You were once held hostage by a religious identity, but now you can embrace your own unique individuality and enjoy life from your own perspective. You are free to consider anything possible.
Like the flying spaghetti monster!
His great wisdom is so noodley!
Bow down and slurp it up.
Or be sauced! :)
In reality, there are no promises or special privileges other than enjoying being alive. Everything else is what WE make of it.
As we begin to appreciate the balance of life even more, that in turn helps us to discover a better way of being and living. If we are grateful for our existence, we become way more interested in caring about this world and OUR people.
What is sacred to me is the love we share with others. If we embrace one another in that purpose, we also become more capable of learning from one another during our brief stay on this planet. We would be more inclined to sow seeds of wisdom, instead of raping the planet of understanding.
This life is enough for me. Others want more out of greed; they are willing to tear this world and its inhabitants apart, in their pursuit of living on into forever.
Use it up and dispose of the unwanted and unworthy.
UGH! How in the world do people feel good with such a superficial outlook to life?
We should find strength in our survival. I think that allows us the opportunity to become more connected to our humanities past, present, and future. Life itself really needs us to be grounded in the natural truth. Matter of fact, it beacons us to be aware of it and seek it out for survival sake!
By stepping out of the chains of any religious supremacy cult, you suddenly become very aware of the rare beauty of it all. That is a great accomplishment.
As you can see by participating in this ex-christian forum, the sheeple who get their religious feathers all ruffled when they see other folk leaving their flock really speaks volumes about their own fragile state of "faith" and the fear that keeps them in suspense.
They always use the same old tired brain washed tactics, like threatening the non-believers with their unfounded religious rhetoric. All of it is a vain attempt to try and prop up their immoral and bankrupt religious beliefs and superstitions.
I am an atheist to those who follow theistic gods and voodoo beliefs, and yet I remain open to changing my mind if ever I should be confronted with a visit from an "out of this world" life force.
Paying homage to a unknown father, ruling from the darkness of the vast cosmos, while taking notes to plot out his master plan of sadistic torture and grand destruction, just so he can get his prime choice of the human population, is just not in my nature. I honestly tried it, but I kept coming back to the ugly nature of the god-beast on high. I actually felt ugly for believing.
For all we know, people might be worshipping aliens in another 500 years. Lol. It is all possible I guess, but what is likely to happen? I don't know, but I don't loose sleep over it either.
These are the great mysteries we all seek to know and spend a lot of time pondering. I quit trying to think about it too much, and I just live my life. I do not need to know the answer to everything.
Would I like to? Sure, but it is not so important that I am willing to advocate talking to the air and rocks, or using magical powers, or claiming to have a personal relationship with some mythical entity from antiquity.
I don't think anyone will ever know the great answer to the great question. If we could all admit that, we might be able to move past the cycle of repeating our own histories of stupidity.
I refuse to limit my life to the absolutist beliefs of an ancient civilization that spent their life enslaved by opium smoking imam's and priests, who used religion to retain their power and authority over the masses. It is sad that this strange practice of self-oppression continues into our modern times.
I try hard to not allow my mind or my thoughts to be set in concrete. I laugh at most things, and the sad stuff...I try my best to do something to help out. Even if it means crying tears because I shared in someone else’s pain or suffering, or speaking out for change, even if it is unpopular to the majority.
It all adds up to the act of living. I am happy to be a part of it and to share it with everyone. Glad you found your mental wings...now go fly!
Also for Jennifer, what is it that still attracts you to religion? I as a spiritual leader have many misgivings and reservations about "religion". Just wanted your opinions.
Thanks againk
Josh
Jennifer: Welcome!!! You are among friends here. Your story was well written and articulate and I look forward to reading your future posts!
Thanks for your story. About the spiritual stuff, I have come to the conclusion that the human mind is an amazingly complex, though imperfect, feature of who we are, and the spiritual aspect of life is just part of that complexity.
In our heads are a lot of strange thoughts and ideas mixed in the conscious and subconscious that float around up there, trying to be compiled into a coherent whole. The fact that we can even sort of understand ourselves is amazing.
As an engineer and software programmer I really appreciate the wonderful things our brain can do in terms of multi-tasking, parallel processing and generally thinking outside of the box. But along with that is the weird way our memory works, and our extreme aptitude for self-deception.
I accept the fact that I can't fully understand all the spiritual aspects of the human brain in general and my own in particular, so rather than trying to be Mister Spock and deny its existence or to over-analyze it, I kind of let if flow and enjoy it.
I realize that whatever its source, which I doubt is meta-physical, it is a part of who I am. So I feed it and work with it, but without letting it get out of control. I'm learning to let my skeptical and logical side kind of dance with the spiritual side.
My spiritual side helps me roll down a hill and laugh with my kids, or get a lot of enjoyment from flying a kite, or simply staring up at the stars in awe.
There does not need to be any supernatural or unseen spiritual world in order for me to relish the spiritual part of who I am. And even reading about neuroscience and brain function does not diminish the fact the having a brain is a weird and wonderful thing that I will continue to try to make the most of.
Good luck in your journey.
We can't be certain of any spiritual forces floating around, in fact I am extremely skeptical of anyone that claims there are, but we can be sure there are real humans all around us.
IMHO, all we can do is try to connect to them; without letting religion get in the way.
I hope that did not come across as too preachy, but I fear it did. Sorry.
The other day, a man in a 12 step group shared about how agitated he was and how he realized that he was trying to control everything. "When I remember that it is God's will, not mine" he said, "then things were okay and I was at peace". I had to think about this a lot. From this new perspective of mine, it seemed meaningless. He said he was giving control back to God (or "letting go and letting God" in the 12-step lingo). It occurred to me that what he thinks of as "God's Will" is simply the way things are. He is at peace when he accepts the world around him as it is.
...As IT IS... If we personified "The world as it is"...if the world could speak in the first person, would it say, "I Am"? Isn't that God's name?
See, the poet in me plays with this stuff. And whatever I call "spirituality" flows like this. I can no longer believe in the Christian God as I was taught. I don't know that I can believe in any God at all. But I can believe that the world "is", that we "are", that I "am". And when I accept that, when I take a deep breath and breathe in the air that "is" and feel the keyboard under my fingers, and wonder at the world around me and the way I can experience it in the present...the way I'm 'designed' to and the only way I can...I am at peace.
Considering the origins of the bible and the mythology of Jesus, this has to be one of the more ironic statements I've read in a while.
Why look to people? They will fail you most of the time.
No they don't. At least not the non-religious friends I have made. But I have to admit, when I was a Christian, this was common. I never saw so much gossiping, backstabbing and contention between people as I did at church (and no, I was not the "victim" of this, it is what I observed). I think it has a lot to do with the horrible belief in the "fall" of man, the innate evilness of man, and the systematic erosion of self-esteem that comes with "sin and guilt" theology. Nothing good will come out of that environment.
No wonder anonymice thinks people will fail him/her. He/she thinks all people are failures at birth.
Then by chance I happened to pick up the book "The Spiral Staircase" by Karen Armstrong which is the autobiography of an ex-nun who leaves Christianity.
Zen:
Btw, I hope Karen Armstrong, who wrote “Islam: A Short History”, someday will read articles in faithfreedom.org or other ex-Moslem websites, and then she will know that she was cheated by Islam. She abandoned the Christianity but then admire Islam. Nice!
Jennifer N:
Some elements of Buddhism appeal to me and I took a course on it in college, but I don't think just switching to another religion is the right fit either.
Zen:
Me too. I love the wise saying of Buddha: SEEK INSIDE (IMHO: seek our own conscience) NOT OUSTIDE (IMHO: not religions).
To be spiritual doesn’t mean we must have a specific religion! Have conscience. Have compassion. That’s enough (at least for me).
The void that is Xtianity was always there, and you were never (or always) falling already. You are no worse off than you ever were, and probably a lot better off now. Time will tell. I can only offer my goodwill on your recent brave steps.
I would just like to ask a few questions to see what some of your thoughts are . . . my purpose isn't to mock your answers, but to simply learn what your thoughts are.
1.) It seems like many of the posts on this site are at least partly anti-Christian. Why is there a focus on being anti-Christian, instead of simply deleting the faith out of your lives completely and finding out what really is the truth?
2.) All Christians are sinners. All Christians at some point will do a number of the following: lie, cheat, steal, hurt, covet, disrespect, etc. We are all sinners, and therefore it is impossible for us to be perfect. So how is it correct for anyone to use a Christian's faults to denounce the Christian faith?
As with any cult, it is characteristic of it's members to give more and more of their "self" away, the longer they are in it. So in that sense, your belief is doing precisely what it was intended to do. And in that case, as a Christian, naturally you would be "discouraged" coming to an Exchristian website. And make no mistake---just because Christianity is widely accepted; just because there are liberals/moderates, doesn't mean that the doctrine, itself, is not centered around cultism.
Curious: 1.) It seems like many of the posts on this site are at least partly anti-Christian. Why is there a focus on being anti-Christian, instead of simply deleting the faith out of your lives completely and finding out what really is the truth?
There's a difference between being "anti-Christian", and being anti-Christian belief. I cannot speak for everyone, but I think most here are the latter. In any event, **your belief impedes science; causes overall division among humankind(gives bigots a religious platform to hate off of), and condones barbaric behavior, such as killing nonbelievers(Deut). Now, if you know that killing people who don't believe in your relgion don't deserve to die; if you are a decent human being regardless of what holy books tell you, then you don't need your cult; your cult needs you.
Curious: 2.) All Christians are sinners. All Christians at some point will do a number of the following: lie, cheat, steal, hurt, covet, disrespect, etc. We are all sinners, and therefore it is impossible for us to be perfect. So how is it correct for anyone to use a Christian's faults to denounce the Christian faith?
Ah, see?....you've misunderstood. Exchristians don't denounce Christianity because of the way Christians act; again, they denounce it because the belief, itself, is false....and furthermore, because of the reasons outlined here**, above. The fact that no human being is "perfect" is irrelevant. That's a given. What we're saying is that Christians aren't being morally guided by a "Holy ghost" as they claim, that's all. Furthermore, there's no such thing as a "sin"; there is only what is ethical, or not ethical.
'Hope this helped.
I am not necessarily anti-{individual Christian believers}. If someone quietly practices a religion and behaves in a civil fashion, I will not go out of my way to attack them. If they need help with something and ask me for assistance, I'll usually do what I can for them.
However, I have no sympathy or mercy for individuals who:
- Threaten nonbelievers with hellfire
- Claim to have The One and Only Truth™
- Attempt to force their religious biases onto the rest of society through political lobbying
- Scorn science in favour of their holy book, which they think is infallible
- Spout predictable rubbish such as "We are all sinners" or "Jesus will never fail you" or "You were never a True Christian" or "It's not a religion, it's a relationship".
(sighs heavily and wanders off to pour Herself another drink, shaking Her head in dismay)
the new testament explains that JESUS IS GOD
that he is COMING BACK
and that HE LOVES ALL MANKIND
the churches are full of fricking liars because they want your money
the churches are full of people that go to church as a social club
WATCH THE WEATHER watch the gay rights
watch the childrens aid rights
watch the gas prices
watch the wars
and quit whining and read THE WORD OF GOD
THE WORD OF GOD
THE WORD OF GOD
its not mans word
if you would read your own bibles
I have in fact, read MY own bible and it's just as ridiculous as all the rest of the bible's that you fundies believe in.
>the new testament explains that JESUS IS GOD.....that he is COMING BACK
Yes indeed, that bible book does SAY jebus is god and he's coming back.
The problem here is that YOUR bible (and mine to), were written by MEN and not by god, and those men wanted YOU to believe this storybook character not only lived, but was god-on-earth.
So do you perhaps have the jesus-train arrival schedule that shows when you expect your jebus to come back, cause he's way more overdue, than even Amtrak tends to be.
I mean, even a few hour delay is poor performance, let alone 2000+ years.
Are you sure he's due any moment now?
>and that HE LOVES ALL MANKIND
Well, you're kind of right, as he only loves the FEW that will go to heaven.
The fate for the rest of us 'loved' folks, is a all-eternity god barbecue.
>the churches are full of fricking liars because they want your money
Well, I can't disagree about them stealing our money, but putting that aside, what makes you more right in your version of jebus than any church believes?
>the churches are full of people that go to church as a social club
Well, I can't say as I blame folks for seeing it as a social club, as it's hard to worship things for very long that simply don't exist.
>WATCH THE WEATHER watch the gay rights
Okay, I just looked out my window and the weather is a bit cold, but nothing out of the ordinary. Should I be looking for a falling sky, or what?
Why do I need to watch 'gay rights'? I think they are pretty 'happy' they are finally getting some rights, yes?
>watch the childrens aid rights
No idea what you mean here.
>watch the gas prices
Are you saying your bible actually speaks about rising gas prices.
WOW, I'm like impressed then.
>watch the wars
You mean the wars that have existed in all of human history and still exists today?
Any particular war you have in mind, hmmm.
>and quit whining and read THE WORD OF GOD
Well I did read that word of your god and that is precisely while I (and others) are whining about it. It's written by some very SICK MINDED men.
>THE WORD OF GOD
THE WORD OF GOD
Does putting things in CAPS and saying them over and over, make them true...just wondering is all.
>its not mans word
Actually you are quite incorrect here in your assumption.
The bible was indeed written by MEN, not by any god(s).
If god really wrote that awful first version of the bible book, then he knows he screwed up and should have sent us a new updated version long long ago. Don't-cha-think?
Anything else you wish to tell us, Mr/Ms "sky-is-falling"???
ATF ( Who now is hearing that line.... "Be afraid...Be Very Afraid"....but, of WHAT?)