My path to enlightenment

sent in by Ben Nilsson

(Please make a few allowances for coherency/comprehension, as this was written over an hour an a half period of time, doing other things as well, from midnight to 1:30 am. Also, the order is roughly chronological, in case that's not entirely evident. Thank you.)

My religiosity, I suppose, started with my birth. Of course, my parents claimed some religion previously, but never took it seriously. It was revived somewhat with me, the third child of five. I was born somewhat premature, and soon therafter, I developed an infection that required an extended stay at the hospital. I recuperated well enough, and was allowed to go home in good health.

During my infant-through-toddler stage, I'd had anther problem: I'd sleep so deeply that I'd stop breathing occassionally, requiring my mother/father to massage me back to respiration. I had, I was told, become blue a total of four different times thoughout my infancy.

I can only imagine what this did to my parents. As I was growing, their religious tendancies waxed and waned, and I became only more religious with each passing year. During early-elementary school, I remember telling a rather quiet jewish boy in my class that christianity was the only religion not disproven, as I had been told that sometime earlier by my older sister. (not one of my prouder moments)(She, BTW, is also no longer christian. I've never quite understood what she is now, but she enjoys [i]Freethought Today[/i] and we laugh together over Chick Tracts)

At one point, I tried to repeat a biblical experiment with a patch of rabbit fur and an area of land. I asked God on several successive nights to place dew all around but not on the fur, and then on but not around the fur. It was late summer, and neither of these experiments worked. Nevertheless, I continued with my faith, somewhat shaken, but I disregarded the results of my experiment.

As I aged, I can remember periods of time that I had ascended "levels" of intelligence and thought, as if each time before the current level I was not fully concious, always in a kind of fog. I fully expect I will look back on myself now as much the same.

During one particularly rough level of thought, (age 9-11 or so) I became significatly bipolar. I alternated between periods of time on which I fully believed in the greatness of life, understood that it felt better to be happy, and was energetic, with periods of severe depression in which I attempted suicide seriously twice. During these periods I'd often be physically ill, miss tremendous ammounts of school, and believe that life was folly, suffering, and meaningless. I'd cry and pray to God for an end to existance, believing that nothingness would be better then feeling like I was. God didn't seem to like to respond. It felt like I was two entirely different people during these two times.

Eventually, I got on Paxil. I did start to feel better, and after several months, I decided I didn't need it, and foolishly just stopped taking it. (I understand now that it was good that I got off of it. Paxil is known for developing hard-to-break dependancies. However, I suffered no ill effects that I can remember.)

It was around this point that I began to accept what I had been slowly realizing for years, that if god existed, he didn't care to keep my faith. And if he didn't care to keep my faith, I didn't care to give it. This idea branched out, and eventually I came to the conviction that religion (at least, western, organised religion) is detrimental as a whole to humanity.

That's about where my religious ties end, but I've had another path of progression through my secularism. I realised long a philosophy that I simply found better names for over the years. Essentally, what I had developed was Utilitarianism, under many different guises. At first, during my elementary years, It was that if what you did didn't hurt anyone, then it's your own buisness. It later manifested in the Wiccan philosophy of "An it harm none, do as ye will." Only months ago, I found the proper name for it.

As for my issue of agnosticism/athiesm, I am agnostic in belief, and athiest in principal. In that I mean that I believe that many entities that humans would recognise as gods probably have existed in some other universe (within the nothingness from which the uncaused cause was caused, all events would have a slim probability of occuring. When time does not exist, as when there is nothingness, all events have a probability of 1 of occuring. I'm sure this is a horrible way to phrase this, but the most accurate ways require maths that look like sanskrit to the avarage person.), and that it's possible that a god created us, that a religion is correct, that all others are doomed. However, it's rather unlikely, and it doesn't matter, as I believe that humanity would be better off with secularism as the norm.

As for my Bhuddist ties, I have, over the past months, come to realize more and more he trueness of many bhuddist philosophies, if not accepting the whole of the system. Or it may be that I'm delusional, however, I'm happier this way.

As of this point in my life, I'm happier then I've ever been. My mood is stable, I'm physically fit, exercising, attending collage soon (I'm 16) with no great physical or mental problems. (save somewhat poor eyesight and crooked teeth) (And, if I do say so myself, damned sexy!)


City: Anchorage
State: AK
Country: US of A
Became a Christian: Born into it
Ceased being a Christian: 12
Labels before: Catholic
Labels now: Agnostic, Athiest, Utilitarianist, Bhuddist
Why I joined: Born into it
Why I left: God did not feel it needful to keep my faith
Email Address: Xenoce at hotmail dot com

1 comment:

Ana Maria Cornell said...

My brother, I have been through hell myself and hurt by and seen more mess among many christians than many in the world. But when you finally get to you and Jesus, You and His Word alone, you can see how it was in the New and still is suppose to be New though its not. We are divided from Catholic to Pentacostal. Thats mans doing, Not Gods!!! The New testament had a way of things that alway exalted love above all and we were commanded and taught that after being saved, once recieving Jesus as Lord, that (Gods love) was and is the 1st and greatest command. I am a witness to that truth not by all the books recommended to me, not by mans views advised to me, but one day it was with a pollutted lustful heart going to hell that I faced God and His Word and asked, How come all these books and ways and division, methodologies, schisms among us? His answer that cleansed and healed my pollutted heart, thus making all the deeds so much easier to obey where once I said I was christian and I doubt I ever was, Now I see, now I understand what He means in Romans 13;8-14. God I wish you knew me before and what was in my heart. Not neutral, not athiest, not mind man nor medicine could help me and what I hid so well behind a so called have it somewhat together mask, God saw and He knew and no less than Him and His Word did it take. So now I know, knowledge alone, not only doesnt save us, but the wisdom of how to live what we know, if were without, then it doesnt matter what we know, it matters if we love as Jesus said. Not like man who loves his own, but do I love my enemies,,,,,Now I do and you know what I pray youll come back home and if you think youve never been home to the Father, I pray youd acknowledge and see where you were,where youve been, and where youll end up if you dont see. I say this to you from a passion and burning of my heart for you and many like you, even as Id spent so many years decieved myself. 1st Timothy 2:25-26 I leave to you even as when noone showed me this, the Holy Spirit was faithful in His love to reveal to me: "In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves;if God paradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth. 26And that they may recover themselves out of the snare of the devil, who are taken captive by him at his will. May He enlighten you to His truth I pray! Ephesians 1:18-23, I pray this and ask this passage of scripture right now on your behalf. satan is wiser than all of us, but there is one thing he cant do that we can and its the one thing that will save us all who believe in Jesus Christ when He comes for us and that is Love!!1John3:23, And this is His command that we should believe on the name of His Son Jesus Christ and love oneanother as He gave us commandment.....Im sorry for the so many (majority hypocrites and unfaithful among the children of God. It was fortold of long ago this would be. But in the church there are wheat and tares and the Lord will seperate the Wheat to be with Him, and the Tares to eternal judgment (hell). We dont like to face that nor deal with that truth, but we better face it and fear in a godly way rather than continue to help satan destroy with his deciet and lies for which Jesus not only came to save us but make us a light and true witness for Him. That others broken, sinful and without hope could see what Jesus did in our lives, could see His love in us so differrent than the world, that they would glorify God and find hope also!! I beg you open your eyes and if you cant He Jesus can. In Jesus Christ love, Ana Maria

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