sent in by anonymous
It all started as being a teenager growing up in a Hindu family. I was always taught to believe in God and I was always taught to pray to God as a hindu. I was finding high school rough. I was finding hard to blend in socialy. I was working hard in sports, wasn't getting recognized. My social environment was definitely not good. I continually got frusterated with God because it was so frustrating. One day, I came to meet an attractive girl who worked at a restaurant, who I hadn't seen in eight months.
It felt like she was a terrific person. She was really nice and I found it much easier talking to her than my peers. Pretty soon things got ugly. For some reason, I don't know why, I started to get the idea that maybe God brought this girl into my life, and when I lost contact with her for a while, again I was upset at God. Combining the fact that Hinduism just wasn't working for me, I felt like I wasn't reaching God because of my frustration. This girl was a pastor's daughter, so a thought occurred to me, which never really was an issue before. Maybe as a pastor's daughter she could tell me about God.
Maybe I could actually understand God better. So I asked her about a recent teen's death and asked her about heaven and if God was taking care of him. That is when the evangelism started. She wrote me a long email about how I needed Christ and how salvation was based on faith and how it was hell if there was no relationship with Christ. It was your typical evangelical Christian message. Fixxed on the idea that God was indeed trying to reach me and using this girl at the same time, I immediately accepted this relationship. I soon wavered back and forth why God would do this, but I soon did something that I didn't imagine myself doing. I picked up a KJV Bible. Although I continued liking this girl, I was becoming more involved in the Christian message and I was believing every word of the New Testament.
My relationship with God was focusing more on me getting to know the Bible and less on this girl(making spiritual decisions based on a girl is premature) , but an important part of this testimony. This girl and I were never boyfriend/girlfriend, but we were friends, although I did like her. As my focus became on getting to know the Bible, I was soaked in the "Word of God". Everything was crystal clear. Jesus was my Lord and Savior, and He came do die for my sins so I can attain heaven. It was simple. I mastered the New and Old Testaments and knew the stories thoroughly. I was always a smart student, and since I had desire for this knowledge, I definitely soaked it all in. I was continuing to go thru rough times in school though.
I lost my starting spot on my high basketball school team after losing my spot to a kid who became eligible after one month. I also got very sick for 4-5 games and lost significant strength. Those two factors made me play minimally. the coach replaced me and promised to give me a chance even when i got replaced, but he used my sickness never to play me and never to challenge back for the starter position that I clearly deserved when i got healthier again(there was a kid who was chummy with the coach, and the coach was looking for any reason not to play me). my parents were not supportive and forced me to play saying that it would toughen me. being the obedient son, i obeyed their command. they knew that i should have quit when i got sick and when coach was not going to play me even when i got better. it hurt so bad.
Coach refused to play me more than two garbage minutes, even though he promised me a chance. even the kids who i originally beat out were playing as much and sometimes more playing time than me. it was a screwover job where i needed help. This made me dig deeper into Christianity, because I needed some thing to make me feel better. i disregarded their Hindu beliefs and went even deeper with Christianity.
I never told them about my Christian committment, but one day, I was telling my brother about it, and my mother over heard. This began some heated arguments which all were intended to cancel my faith. None of them ended my relationship with Christ, until.......my parents went deeper. They called the pastor(girls' father), who was helping provide Biblical material, as well as encourage my commitment as well as his daugher. My dad told them to stay away from me. There was so much turmoil. Why would Jesus let me go through so much turmoil? I wished for two things I wanted my family to come to Christ and I also wanted this girl, who btw was who's real intent was only to missionize and be my "friend". Why was Jesus not answering my prayers? I was putting in the time.
Soon I grew weary of my relationship with Christ.
During my relationship with Christ, I laughed at counterarguments to Christianity. Nothing could measure up to Christianity in my mind. I was in a trance. Soon, however, I became more reasonable. I examined athiests/jewish arguments against Christianity(websites about why Jesus was not the Messiah, athiests arguments), and why Jews didn't believe in this crucified man-god who died for sins. It all started making sense. What I just committed myself to was all in my mind and not divine inspired. It wasn't the Holy Spirit who was influencing me, but me interpreting emotions to mean that God was reaching to me.
I realized that Christianity was not the "infallible word of God" but instead collected texts designed to fit a purpose. Certain doctrines in Christianity didn't even make sense as it did before and also the warm fuzzy eternal gift was not even directly versed all the way throughout the Bible. I was angry with Christianity. I felt like it was a thankless job. I soon realized why this girl had her beliefs too. Living in the comfort of a Christian household and now a Christian college, her life was taken care of. She would be raised Christian, go to Christian college, increase her chances of marrying a Chrisitian by going to a Christian college.
There was no me in her picture, she was just trying to missionize me. That isn't even the point and I am mature enough to understand that. It was clear that my Christian experience was going to turn into a nightmare, because my family was never going to reconcile. she wasn't going to ever be with me, she already had her life taken care of. Her life could easily be accustomed to Christianity because every long term situation she was in, there was always security. My situation would be increasingly unstable and depressing because clearly no prayer would be answered. I was believing a lie the entire time, varying from many inconsistent Biblical concepts.
I could list many of those contradictions, but I think it's more important to know that I know realize that Christianity isn't what it is. Although I am very angry at her, she knows I don't believe in Christianity. She still insists on being "friends" and "praying for me". I really have no room for friends who think that I am going to burn in hell. It truly is a double standard.
To sum it up, my life has been heartbreaking and Christianity had made that exponentially worse. As I am a freshman at Northwestern University, I find no people who have been in a situation like this. In my mind I have two new goals. To think more rationally and still realize that as a human I haven't lost the ability to love. I want to start over with life. Another wish is to meet a girl who has had a similar situation as this, but is ready to move on and realize that life is still great in spite of past set backs.
Being a smart student, I want to restart my life, doing the things I love, and being with the people I love, and understand people who also feel heartbroken through this issue. I think its time to acknowledge that this indeed hurt me, but also to realize that I am not alone. Someday I want to raise a family where religious issues don't cloud over rationality. One can love and not be Christian/religious. BTW, I never really went to church, but instead was consumed in my Bible and based everything on my Bible. that tells u about the stability of my committment.
Became a Christian: 16
Ceased being a Christian: 18
Labels before: nondenominational/evangelical
Labels now: logical, unbrainwashed
Why I joined: influence of a pastor and daughter
Why I left: thought in a different perspective
Online Reading List
- An Outline of Intellectual Rubbish by Bertrand Russell (1943)
- Bible Teaching and Religious Practice by Mark Twain
- God is Imaginary
- Is there an Artificial God? by Douglas Adams (1998)
- Skeptics Annotated Bible
- The Age of Reason by Thomas Paine (1795)
- Which Way? by Robert Ingersoll (1884).
- Why I Am Not A Christian by Bertrand Russell (1927)