I will not go back

From Annastasia

Hello everyone! I'm Annastasia, 32, and I'm having a really hard time right now.

I have been raised a Christian my whole life. I never knew anything else. I've been taught that all other people who did not accept Christ were going to hell regardless of belief in a higher power or a God of a different name.

I never thought I was going to have a future because every year was the "Last Days" and the "end times" were here. The fact that I went to church like a good Christian girl did not make all of my questions go away.

I was and still am the problem child in my family. I am the one who has continuously questioned the validity of Christianity and the one that Satan is controlling. I am now, according to them, corrupting my own children.

I have been searching and studying every aspect and opinion for the truth in religion and I cannot find it. Faith aside, it's just simply not there. Just recently it occurred to me that I really DO NOT believe in Christ or the Bible and that revelation has sent me into depression. All that has been in the back of my mind like a crutch is gone. I have been holding on to some hope that something miraculous would be unveiled to me and that it all would make sense.

I know it will not happen.

My husband is completely supportive since he's been more of a freethinker anyways and I vent to him. My extended family, parents and siblings, are not understanding, to say the least. I feel that if they tell me one more time that a "Spirit of ?" is attacking my life, I'm going to scream. They are praying for me, telling me to repent, and that I am being led astray, asking how I can do this to my children. I ask, how could I raise my children with it? It's been a form of mental abuse and I'm still having a hard time because of the brainwashing.

I will not go back. Anyways, I still believe that there could be a higher power or some universal intelligence and right now I'm holding onto it for some peace of mind. Eventually I may let that go also but for now, it's what I need.

Thanks for listening.