I have tried to believe in Jesus

Sent in by Mike

I'm 21 years old and was brought up in a Christian home. My mom, dad, sister, grandma's, aunts, uncles, EVERYONE I LOVE... are all Christian. YET, it still isn’t enough to influence me to believe. I have always been very truthful with myself and was told to be a leader when I was a young child. I would ask myself even at an early age, "How does one become a leader when you must follow the bible? Isn't that a contradiction?"

I made my own decisions growing up, I never smoked weed; I never drank; I didn’t follow the crowd like everyone else. I didn’t do these things because I believed in god. Rather, I believed in doing what I felt was right in my heart and brain. I find it funny how most of the people who are Christians are ones who where the followers all along -- they smoked the weed, they drank, they "sinned," and now they believe in Jesus. Why? Because to me it’s nothing but a quick fix, an easy solution to their problems, an supposed answer for the unanswerable.

I was dragged to church ever since I was born. My parents made me watch only Christian video tapes, they gave me coloring books with pictures of Jesus to color in, they didn’t allow me to celebrate Halloween, and I was not at this time in my life allowed to be my own person. I have had the bible jammed down my throat for 21 years and it still continues daily. Even at an early age I was embarrassed that my parents believed Halloween to be "Satan’s holiday." I am embarrassed because I know how brilliant of a man my dad is, I know how smart my mom is, yet they believed all these silly illogical stories written in the bible.

I have tried to believe in Jesus, I have called out to him screaming at the top of my lungs to break me down and reveal himself to me. I have felt nothing... I see nothing...I hear nothing. In science class we all learned about our senses correct? Well if you can’t see, hear, smell, or touch something wouldn’t you agree its non existent? "oh well you have to have FAITH." I know, I know... I've heard it all.

The sad part is if god would reveal himself to me I feel like I would be the perfect Christian, if I 100% believed and knew Jesus was real than I would be a better Christian than any Christian I have ever met. Yet that doesn’t mean anything to god...why? Because he obviously doesn’t care to show himself to me but the people that claim to "100%" believe in him seem to be the ones that display him the worst. Aren’t Christians supposed to represent Jesus? My mother judges more people than a judge in a court room, my grandma laughs at me for my beliefs and tells me im lost, my dad wont even consider listening to what I believe yet I should DROP everything and believe his word(stubborn), my uncle rapped all my cousins yet now he is a Christian, my aunt who allowed this to happen is a Christian, my cousin had an abortion and is a Christian, my grandfather cheated and had an affair on my grandma than left her and remarried........guess what he was and still is a Christian! My whole life I’ve seen Christian’s DO things that they call EVIL and I sit here being a non-believer yet I have not done any such things. Yes I mess up of course..Im not perfect but I acknowledge it and get back on track.. I don’t judge people constantly. I accept them, I would never rape someone, I would never cheat or have an affair on my wife, I would never display any of these immoral acts. So you mean to tell me if god is real all these people will go to heaven and I will burn in hell for eternity? I ask why? Am I not a good man? Do I not hold my morals and beliefs together stronger than most Christians? I believe I do...

Simple facts to conclude my feelings are the following: Yes, Christians' faith does help them in times of need... it comforts them, makes them feel special and gives them all the answers of the universe. They believe this because it makes them feel better about living and dying. I am sorry I am not that open-minded that I could just hear something and believe it. It's not my fault I require proof. I seek the truth; I stand with open arms for god to show himself to me. Then I realize I'm talking to my ceiling. So who’s crazy? The atheist or the Christian? After telling my story I can re-read it and see it’s not me. If anything Christians should be praying more for themselves instead of the non-believers because we are just fine.