Sent in by Ellis Kim (Everglaze)
My Anti-Testimony (Full Version)
First of all, Christianity is like being covered in a black sheet of thick cloth with a blindfold around your eyes. While in the darkness, you're driven by fear and confusion. It's only after you hear the reassuring words of someone claiming to be your saviour that you feel at ease in this current state. But, having seen nothing, you're left with no other option except to concur with the stranger's comforting instructions. Eventually, you're able to adapt to your current state of black cloth and blindfold, because you have someone to rely on. However, the deeper you're immersed into the stranger's reality, the more you lose your own. Thus, the only way to return to the reality that you once knew and not some hopeful fantasy, is to get rid of the black cloth and blindfold, eliminating fear and regaining freedom.
I was born and raised in a Christian home, so I learned about Biblical tales at an early age (Adam and Eve, Noah's Flood, Moses and the Pharaoh, Samson and Delilah, Daniel in the Lion's Den, Jonah and the big fish, etc). When I was about three, I remember praying to Jesus with the same amount of belief I had in Santa. It was just harmless child innocence. What I experienced as a child and what I saw as a child were all intertwined with my gigantic imagination. Living itself was like a fantasy. I attended church with my parents every Sunday without having any knowledge about the Bible's darker/serious contents and only knew about those mythical stories. In fact, Sunday School to me was like a treat, because I enjoyed hearing stories -- especially the one where David fought Goliath. I participated in church activities such as camping and recreation. Again, I didn't find anything wrong. I thought the people were kind.
I moved with my parents when I was about six years old and because of distance, we relocated to a new church. Although I fit in with the rest of the kids to a certain extent, I still felt like a loner. All the kids assembled a circle and exchanged stories of their experiences, both academic and/or religious. I on the other hand had nothing in common, so I was never really that excited about going to church. Throughout my elementary years, I developed my own reason to visit church every Sunday. That reason was socialization. I didn't care about morning youth service, praise and worship and tithing. I only attended the Bible study hours, and even that didn't really mean anything to me. I was only in it, so that I could play with one or two of the kids at a nearby playground. Shortly after that, I started skipping church from time to time.
My carelessness continued into the millennium when I was three years into high school. I stopped attending church completely as it had no relevance to my life. Religion was something I had no idea about anyway. I declared myself an Atheist and criticized the nonsense that my parents talked about. Even without much knowledge about the Bible, I sure didn't believe in anything supernatural. After I finished high school, I slowly succumbed to alcohol as a relief for my on-going depression that started at age 14. My life was a mess of uncertainties regarding future goals and career paths. But, I decided to check into college to see which way I could go from there. Once my depression worsened, I gradually dropped out.
It was around the end of 2003 when my dad was hospitalized due to a stroke and that's when Christianity worked best at manipulating my emotionally-imbalanced self. Someone I met over the internet led me to a website that showcased the many evangelistic teachings and methods of Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron. I converted the night I felt conviction for my 'sins' via the ten commandments as presented on that site. I prayed for forgiveness and put my trust in Jesus as my Lord and Saviour. When 2004 came around, I was feeling refreshed. My dad was doing well and I felt a new confidence in myself that I had never experienced before in my life. I hesitated at first, but with the encouragement of a few people that I met online, I finally returned to the church that I had left such a long time ago. It wasn't long after that when I began to spend an abundant amount of time reading the Bible, legitimately. I even started writing fictitious Christian stories.
Still a baby craving spiritual milk, I knew more than the fundamentals and thus, recorded a few sermons at home. These sermons were then burned onto CD-Rs and I offered them to random people at church. Soon, the word got around that I was good at preaching the Biblical 'truth' and I was even praised by some of the Christians there. This led me to several opportunities where I was able to preach/teach to kids and even witness in public places. My passion and 'fire' continued to the point where I was finally able to present my testimony publicly at church. After preaching once (as replacement for another youth preacher) by using Jonathan Edwards references from "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God," I taught some kids about the Bible's serious message without sugarcoating anything during the summer. However, my depression returned. With that, I also felt like I didn't belong at the church. I wasn't getting the accountability that I needed nor the spiritual support. Everyone seemed too busy with themselves and their circle of friends. I just felt like a retail clerk walking in and out for the day after doing his job. I quietly left the church towards the end of 2004 and never came back. This was around the same time that I started going to college again for a newly registered program and also, the same time that I befriended a non-believer who soon became my best friend.
Even though I participated on online Christian forums nearly every day in 2004, it was in 2005 that I made it my duty to spread the Gospel to as many people as possible (including my new friend). Although I was able to find considerable amount of fellowship with online people, I still felt lonelier than ever before. I came off as a bigot and an arrogant know-it-all whenever I debated non-believers and people of other religions. This was my ignorance. After going through another long phase of depression and ceaseless praying for healing, forgiveness of sins, renewal/cleansing of the mind, I kept the faith more privately. When the summer came around, my moodiness, confusion and frequent anxiety over right and wrong finally ended my friendship with the non-believer. I chose God over him (the unequally-yoked message), which was the final mistake (and biggest regret) I was going to make. I'm glad he never succumbed to the brainwash like I did and I apologize for all the forceful proselytizing that I did. By the end of 2005, under the 'supervision' of Christian contacts, I felt like a slave with many forced obligations to fulfill in the name of Jesus. Whenever I did so, I was labeled as a legalist. I was tired of being told how to do things when there really was no proper way to discern many of the passages in the Bible. As frustration built, so did my thirst for analysis. I studied the Bible (and contributing sources) more thoroughly and what I discovered made me sick to my stomach.
The God of the Bible wasn't the God that was praised so heavily by Christians. The God of the Bible was a very selfish, obnoxious, uncaring, unloving, hateful and sinister entity of evil that craved constant attention. Because of one man's sin, he condemned everyone to Hell for eternity (unless they commenced obedience and repentance). He could've prevented that from the beginning, but instead, he gave people his distorted version of choices or lack thereof. He blames people for his own mistakes. Not only that, everything he spoke against was something he himself also practiced (ex. murder, favouritism, perversion, hate). He encouraged genocide in which women and children were killed as depicted in the book of Judges. I used to think and justify these actions as righteously moral, because God was not one to question. That was when I was brainwashed with lies in believing that God was caring and loving. Jesus also preached nonsense about loving him above others or anything else. Being punished for loving close relatives, family members and loved ones more than a person that no one in the present lifetime has ever met is beyond asinine. A dictator of a God that ignores and allows rape, pedophilia, murder, corruption, famine and diseases to run rampant is definitely trash. It's because of my lack of fellowship that I was able to grasp the absurdity of the Bible. It was because I was able to think on my own terms while under no Christian influence whatsoever that I was able to uncover the truth behind this immoral book of hypocritical, inconsistent, incoherent and fallible ramblings.
I abandoned the online Christians and regarded the Bible as a myth/unreliable hearsay, because of its jumbled accounts, exaggeration, pretension, bias and lack of substantial evidence. Prayer also didn't seem right and I realized that it was just a self-help method of appeasing one's self and/or a cheap way to evade responsibilities. The various interpretations that neglect the scriptures in their written contexts are further notices of the Bible's distrustful ambiguity and that what's not knowable by humans cannot be explained with one book (written by questionable men) containing countless flaws and obviously fabricated concepts. Serpents talking, donkeys talking, burning bushes talking, scrolls flying, a man ascending to Heaven, a man surviving the lion's den, a virgin birth, a dead man resurrecting, etc are the literal beliefs of mad men, early naive scholars attempting to explain/induce traditional morals via the aforementioned myths, susceptible fools or victims of delusional brainwash. I'd rather keep my sanity and live civilized than to submit to a tyrant that disallows humans to be humans and uses them as his personal puppets all for the sake of his benefit, his gains and his preposterous plan. By mid 2006, I officially denounced my Christian faith. I regret having wasted two years of my life following a morbid cult disguised in joyous appearance. That to me is the ultimate deception.
Faith is just an excuse for something you can't prove.