I feel foolish, cheated and angry

Sent in by SLM

I'm writing this to help me, if it helps someone else that would be great.

I'm not a writer and I have very little formal education, so please look over the mistakes. I joined ex-Christian in August 06. I'll be 50 years old in March. I'm ashamed that it took me so long to open my eyes. Here's my story as briefly as possible.

I was raised in a Pentecostal home. We went to Church of God, Assembly of God, Free holiness, where ever there was shouting and speaking in tongues. My mother was raised Baptist. Her father was a Baptist preacher. She changed to Pentecostal for my Dad. We were very poor when I was a child, (poor white trash) and we lived in rural Alabama. The churches I attended were like those you see in the documentaries about "snake handlers", only we didn't handle snakes. I hated church. As a little child I had people fall on top of me going slain in the Spirit. I used to make fun of people speaking in tongues, shun ditty eye cun ditty eye? They said the same words every time. My Dad played the guitar and preachers loved him because he could really get people stirred up, but when he stopped getting attention at one church we would move to another or he would just backslide for awhile. He had an affair with my Sunday school teacher and we stopped church all together for a while. I got saved and filled with the spirit during a revival at 11 years old. I thought this evangelist was the holiest man I'd ever met until I found out he was screwing both my older sisters and several other women in the church. My oldest sister told on him and he got kicked out of the COG, which some of the women still to this day 40 years later hold against my sister. I still believed. We were not allowed to cut our hair, wear makeup, wear shorts or pants, go to movies, ballgames, etc. My first boyfriend was one of 14 children in a home that the father didn't allow even a TV. 14 kids, I guess they believed in screwing. Anyway, everything good was God, anything bad was Satan. Hell was as real to me as anything I knew. It was pounded into my brain much more than any love of God. I heard preachers many times use scare tactics like God could take someone you love to get you saved.

My Mom and Dad divorced, He left us for another woman. I got married at 14 to an abusive man of 22. After 2 years of beatings I married an agnostic asshole. I started church again and this time I felt I had been called to preach! Of course I thought my husband was Satan, but he was just an asshole. But to get understanding that I couldn't get at home I got very close to the Pastor of my church, we had an affair. After that I quit again, divorced, married him back, divorced married 3 more times. I had 4 kids with 4 different fathers. All turned out to be great in spite of how screwed up I was and still am to some degree. During those years I kept searching. I read Edgar Cayce, hung around with some "new age" folks, believed in reincarnation for a while, meditated, and drank a lot of alcohol. I went to rehab 3 times. My "higher power" failed me. I actually said I didn't believe in God at an aa meeting and almost got my ass whipped by all the sanctimonious drunks there. So I went back to prayer and beating myself up for not being good enough for Gods help. I did quit drinking only after marrying an alcoholic that I'm married to now. He has just started church and God is helping him quit, except for that slip on New Years eve, but God is still working on him. God don't work on holidays I suppose. Sort of like civil service maybe.

My oldest son (27) has been an atheist since high school. He has been gently leading me to the truth and this year it finally hit me. I started reading about the history of Christianity, about the lack of historical evidence of Jesus. What really done it for me was the Apocrypha and finding out that the books of the" inspired" gospels were picked by some priest to go into the book that I had always considered so Holy, and that there were more gospels that were left out, didn't make the cut.

Now its all so clear and I feel foolish, cheated and angry. My father is 77 years old and I can't stand to talk to him because all he talks about is God and how Satan is trying to tear him down. This is not as easy as it would have been if I had de-converted at 20. I'm surrounded by it, married to it, drowning in it. It would be easier if I was still brainwashed. Religion is evil. It has screwed me up and left its scars. But at least now I know the truth and I can never go back to the fantasy. There is and never was a god. No life after death. No hell, no crutch to lean on, no Satan to blame. Just me. I have to hurry up and live before it's all gone.

20 comments:

BoyGod666 said...

What a difficult life you have led so far! I am happy for you that you have escaped the shackles of the mind games that religion dumps on you. Hopefully you have realized or are learning that you control your life and what happens in your head when these terrible events present themselves. You can't always change the events or circumstances but you certainly can change how you view them.

Good luck with your new freedom. Don't let anyone try to take it from you.

Spirula said...

Welcome,
Feeling cheated and foolish is okay here. We all have felt that to some degree or another. But you're here now and I hope we can give you encouragement in dealing with family "bullievers". Most of us here have them.

Anonymous said...

I love the way you write so spontaneous and full of expression....u should write a book..I would buy it.
Hope your life from here on out is bloody marvelous..grab it with both hands and don't look back...

Madame M said...

^There should be a law against cutting and pasting a whole apologetics website into a comment section. (directed at long comment above me)
-------------------------

I am glad you found your way out of religion. It is not an easy thing to do! I hope you find peace in this life.

Anonymous said...

I can't find the long post duplicated from anywhere so could someone point me at the original... it's rather good.

To the main poster; After a life that would stand out in a plot by Euripides, I congratulate you for taking the Red Pill... Welcome to the Real World

Anonymous said...

Dear SLM,

I think you must thank to your son.
His LOVE had saved you from religion.

I think your life will really live if you LOVE your son and your family.

We don't need God or religion, but we need LOVE. That's the only way to enjoy LIFE in this secular world.

Welcome to the reality...

Kenny said...

You feel foolish, cheated amd angry!

Shouldn't we all feel that way because most of us in America, are raised to believe that the Bible is based on pure fact. Most of us had no choice but to have Christianity shoved down our throats, and it is still happening today, I see no let up. Hollywood is trying to slowly debunk religions, but if they put something on too strong, the religionists protest and have the shows removed.

It's really a shame it takes so many years before people finally realize that religion is all bullshit, you are lucky, many can never see it is all bullshit, as displayed by some of the notorious fundy posters that frequent here.

Welcome to sanity, keep in touch with us.

Anonymous said...

It's these kinds of stories that get my blood boiling. Religion is bullshit and when the rest of the world realizes this and also realizes that this one life is all we got, just this one shot, maybe we would treat each other better, at least a lot better than by the make believe ethics of a fucked up belief system.

Anonymous said...

hey honey! my name is chelsea and i am 22. i left the church and eventualy became an atheist, the whole thing over about a 2 year period. dont feel badley about the brainwashed years! i believed that the bible was a proven fact and that evolution was proven to be false and a whole bunch of shit that was twisted. well, my advice for you right now is to talk to others who are in your situation. i am a part of a site called www.secularity.com its a great way to vent and learn. any ways, take care!

freedy said...

Thanks for your ex-timony.The fact you mentioned bad marraiges,religion and alcoholism all together is so funny in a way,...they are all the same.
You want to stay away from all of these,but they keep calling you back, promising something better next time.
That's what I love about this site.It reminds me of the heartache
I suffered in these cycles of false security I chased for 40 years of my life.
Welcome and stick around.
peace,freedy

*I'm 47 yrs. old,and I finally feel like a grown up living in the real world!

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry about your life and the difficulties you went through in your lifetime. ..everyone goes through things in life..you have to find it in your heart to forgive and forget, christians are not perfect just forgivin...you should find it in your heart to forive your father he's not perfect himself I'm sure he's realize that now! Religion is definitly what keeps ppl away from church and God..who is anyone to judge anyone right? PPl make the mistake to live the law (the old testiment) thats why Jesus Christ sacraficed his own live for us so that we can directly be forgiven. You know the word so you know what I'm talking about! it hurts to read how you feel about God I can read how much HATE you have in your heart I pray that God will soften it. God never intents for us to have a misrable life, we make our choices and we choose that path..Mathew 7:13-14 God is a gentlemen and he will only knock at our hearts, we have the choice to accept him. I speak many blessings this year for you and your family, brokens, forgeveness, and restoration and that any generational curses will be broken..its never too late..

Lee said...

SLM,

Welcome, welcome, welcome!!! I, too, come from a pentecostal background. I felt "the call," as well, at an early age, to minister. I came to my senses, however, after actually having the audacity to critically think about the bible and christianity and try to discuss my concerns with theologians and pastoral mentors!! How silly of me to try to get answers where dogma is concerned!

I was raised very differently from you, however. My father was a veterinarian, my mother a business owner. We were very affluent members of our community. I suffered none of the indignities you suffered, save one: being forced to participate in the sham that is christianity...my own personal opinion is that we both suffered through a form of child abuse; a form so insidious as to not only be tolerated by this culture but applauded!

I loved my parents, but I can NEVER be at peace with what they did to me and my siblings in the name of religious righteousness. I am sorry you suffered as you did, but, at least there is light in this tunnnel, and that light is your son...wow...sounds almost religious, doesn't it?!...lol

Glad to see you here...stcik around, this place can be a blast!

Lee

freedy said...

SLM,...the only generational curse you need to break is your families religious and spiritual abuse!
Sounds like your well on your way to total restoration.You can now think freely,...far away from the shackles of religious dogma.
*I used to perform at U.P.C.churches,.I know what you went through!

Anonymous said...

HEY EVERY ONE AT EX-CHRISTIAN.

I have this ache in my brain.
It's the thougths of poeple like this lady.Since my wife [nevergoingback] has led me to the truth! it really hits home every i read a de-converson testimony.

I see all the influence religion has on the world,and it effects us all. we continue to pay taxes for christian programs.

christianity has covered the u.s. like a black cloud,and it sucks poeple in.

It uses a facade like the "cheap western antidote".It's so intertwined in our society.

I am constantly disgusted at the thought of our country[u.s.],and every decision that pertains to our freedom, and our hard earned $ being made by poeple who base their decision on a fairy tale.

I have empathy for you coming out is hard but my wife brought me out so don't lose hope.


keep your head up


{WOKE UP}

SpaceMonk said...

Welcome SLM,

Don't be ashamed. We didn't invent christianity, we were just sucked in by it.
I do kick myself that I spent the first 27 years of my life believing the same crap, but it's a mark of personal honesty and courage that we can drop it when we see how ridiculous it really is.

Epicurienne said...

Hey SLM,

I'm so sorry to hear you've had such a bad time. And I'm so GLAD to hear you've discovered your mind and your ability to think and live your own life. I'm also glad you found this website. Keep coming back, and don't let anybody tell you how to think! (Not even us! LOL)

Anonymous said...

Hey guys I came upon this website and want to say I'M SORRY on behalf of all CHRISTIANS for they're relgious ways and for not showing the perfect example of Christianity, everything you hear about Christians is all not true, not every Christian is like the ppl you have encountered.. there is a difference between religion and relationship with Christ..religion is "man made" I read stories that women had to wear long skirts no makeup etc... etc... they are just living the LAW.. in the old testimont in order for you to be forgiven you had to sacrafice a lamb to the high priest..God saw that there was evil on earth...Our loving God decided to send his son Jesus...Jesus calculated the worth of your love and decided it was worth his life!!! For now its possible to speak directly to God verses a "high Priest" God only seeks you YOUR HEART not religion thats the mistake every believer makes. When Jesus went to the Samartian woman she was afraid, the "religious" ppl were going to stone her because of her sin (prostitution) Jesus said "he who is without sin cast the first stone" no one did because they all were..My point to this is, who are they "religious" to point fingers to judge others right?? Please forgive me too when I havent set the example...God only wants your heart and loves you so very deeply all the cruiality in the world breaks Gods heart, it only happens because of "us" our sins "the wages of sin is death", he will not force himself in our live we have the freedom to do what we want..you choose....

Anonymous said...

Wow. Your life has been difficult. I can tell that you are a strong person. What will(has) happen(ed) when you discover that people continue to hurt and disappoint you, with or without Christianity? My point is that your feelings of foolishness, being cheated, anger, come from other people's actions toward you - not a grand delusion called Christianity.

God has never promised a life free from pain, sorrow, doubt, disappointment. Your experience of Christianity seems, from your writing, to have been based on false teachings, misguided efforts, suspect motives. These things are not your fault. You should begin searching for the true nature of God, then you will see that the promises he HAS made are what foster "peace that surpasses understanding", regardless of what happens in your life.

All the best to you...I hope you discover what it really means to be a Christian.

muttmutt1978 said...

please ignore the christians that want to drag you back to christianity, ive put up with it for two years, and i know that you can put up with it for longer! to whoever said: "when the rest of the world realizes this and also realizes that this one life is all we got, just this one shot, maybe we would treat each other better, at least a lot better than by the make believe ethics of a fucked up belief system."

Christians also believe they have one shot hun, thats why i believe in reincarnation.

to whoever said:
I hope you discover what it really means to be a Christian.

Oh Yes i have it means to lie cheat and bullshit your way through the religion, im perfectly aware of christianitys history, and if Jesus were to have existed, he would destroy those that like to follow, worship, claim religion, way of life AND relationship with him.

Anonymous said...

if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place. I have chosen and consecrated this temple so that my Name may be there forever. My eyes and my heart will always be there.

1Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. 2This is how you can recognize the Spirit of God: Every spirit that acknowledges that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God, 3but every spirit that does not acknowledge Jesus is not from God. This is the spirit of the antichrist, which you have heard is coming and even now is already in the world.
4You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. 5They are from the world and therefore speak from the viewpoint of the world, and the world listens to them. 6We are from God, and whoever knows God listens to us; but whoever is not from God does not listen to us. This is how we recognize the Spirit[a] of truth and the spirit of falsehood.

God's Love and Ours
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son[b] into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for[c] our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.
We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world.If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God.And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him.There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.

Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
Jesus Christ LOVE never fails.
Do Not Worry
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[a]?
"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying,'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.

He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever;

he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
Jesus Christ is LORD.
We want him as our Savior but don't want to make Him LORD of
OUR HEARTS. It's our RELATIONSHIP
with GOD's son, Jesus Christ.


The carnal minded and natural minded.
Do not be misled: "Bad company corrupts good character." Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God—I say this to your shame.

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