Schizophrenic Faith

Sent in by Kristina

I had the kind of faith that was coined as "childlike." My mom (a Christian) would remark on it often, saying she wished she had my kind of faith. That is funny, considering where I am now. I started going to church at the age of 10. I actually enjoyed it, and I used to beg my parents to go. Why? I don't know. I didn't even really have a relationship with God.

Then all of a sudden things got very serious.

I made a vow to read the entire Bible (almost succeeded too). I was only 11 then. From what I'd read about God, I had gathered he was a pretty angry guy, so I would pray EVERY single night without fail. I was afraid that if I didn't pray, God would get very angry at me and cause bad things to happen.

My prayers were "answered" on a few occasions. So, I thought, "Hey, this works," and continued to pray.

I don't remember ever questioning my faith. I didn't have the questions that kids usually have, like where did the dinosaurs go? or anything like that. I just accepted it as it was given to me. My life was pretty chaotic back then too. I lived with a dying grandmother, three alcoholics, and a bipolar mother who was unpredictable and often angry. I made up for my family's dysfunctions by being a very "good" girl. I vowed never to get angry at anyone. I made mom's lunch, cleaned her room, was nice to everyone. I was rarely noticed as a child. Some people would call it neglect, but it was only emotional. I was taken care of in every other way. I later learned I'd been molested as a toddler. My life was actually pretty screwed up. Having God helped me at times, even if He was "angry."

Mom decided it was time to pick up everything and leave. No shock, we'd moved a few times before, and I actually enjoyed it at times. There was a sense of adventure.

Things changed when we moved to Minnesota. The family moved on and got better, somehow, but I got worse. Mom had finally gotten meds, but my illness was just beginning. I lost faith very quickly in high school; all it took was a few friends with open minds. But I had gotten crazier and crazier as the days went on. I was diagnosed: depressed, histrionic, agoraphobia, social anxiety, general anxiety, bipolar, and schizoaffective, then bipolar again, all within the course of five years.

I had even attempted suicide a few times.

After high school I became hard to live with. My mom sent me to live with my grandmother. And it was there that I started hallucinating.

I had tactile hallucinations, not only that I was delusional, I felt things that weren’t there. I thought they were ghosts, then demons. These hallucinations would rape me at night — sometimes they would hurt me. I did a ritual about fifty times (I counted on a piece of paper) to try and get rid of them.

Then, finally, I turned to God.

Still didn't get rid of them.

My mom came and took me to a psychiatrist, and they gave me anti-psychotics, but that didn't work.

NOTHING gets rid of these hallucinations.

They sent me away to a three-month residential treatment center. I got a little better; they went a way for awhile. When I came home, that's when I started to get more involved with God. I went to church as an experiment.

I listened to Christian music even though I hated it. At first I felt nothing at all, but gradually I got more into it, and then I became a dedicated Christian.

At first, things got better for me. Faith seemed to be working out. I started coming out of the house, I wasn’t as moody, my hallucinations had died down for a while. My mom attributes all of this to God and not the fact that I worked with therapists for five years and took my meds, and went all the way to New York just to get cured. She says I'm the reason she knows that God exists, because nothing short of God could have cured me.

Hallucinations came back.

I sobbed endlessly... wouldn’t come out of my room... prayed. I was miserable.

People told me that the reason the hallucinations didn't go away was because I didn't have enough faith. That's like telling a cancer patient their cancer will go away if only they believe.

Bullshit.

It's funny, because I told myself the very same thing. And not only that I didn’t have enough faith, but I also that didn't deserve to have them taken away.

The fact is, I prayed and nothing happened. This whole time I convinced myself that I loved God, and I would do anything for Him, etc., but every time I prayed, I cried.

I seemed to mourn my faith.

I hated it.

I studied all the apologist books, because I wanted to be able to defend my faith. But NO matter how much I learned, nothing seemed adequate. There was always something to knock down my faith somehow. I wanted to die. Every night I prayed for a car wreck, just to get me out of my miserable life. The Gospel should have set me free, but it did the exact opposite, I was imprisoned. I felt like I was in some sort of co dependent relationship where God smacks us all around, and I'm supposed to make excuses for Him.

I finally began to question my "child-like" faith. I researched the arguments against God. (I'd already read all the ones for God).

I gave up on God.

I have never had so much clarity, happiness, and independence — ever.

I went out shopping, something I never do. I drove, and was lost, and I didn't care,

I opened a new bank account. I talked to strangers. I WAS FREE.

These are things I’ve never done even under God's own dominion.

I didn't really make my separation from God complete until today.

This is the event that triggered it:

I told Mom that I didn't believe anymore. She said that Satan had gotten to me.

Whatever.

She also told me a story about something that had happened to her.

She said that she was sitting in her room depressed, and how usually when she's depressed she tells herself how dumb and worthless she is, and so on. And then she said she heard a voice that wasn’t hers and it said "stupid bitch," and she rebuked it and then prayed. And then she said she felt so much lighter. She says this voice is Satan.

I get very quiet and she asks me what's wrong.

I reply "Well, whenever I say I hear voices that aren't mine — in MY head — or that I feel things that aren’t there, people call me crazy. But somehow when it happens to YOU, it's Satan. Sorry, I just don’t quite get that."

Then she tells me that she prays for me all of the time. (She knows I've somewhat strayed, but she doesn’t know to what extent).

All of a sudden I had this irrational fear that the Christian God was real. And He was going to hear her prayers (and the Bible study, and her evangelism class, because they are all praying for me too) and then make me miserable again so I would come crawling back to Him.

Oh yes, He does that all the time. Just read Hosea.

And I told her to do me a favor and not pray for me. Then I said my own little prayer to this non-existent God... for closure.

"God I hate you, you bastard" Don't you dare take away my happiness — you don't have the right. You're just an asshole that can’t stand the sight of his creation. I don't want you."

I'm not going to look back.

Anoka
MN
USA
Joined: 10
Left: 20
Was: Lutheran, non-denominational and Baptist
Now: Agnostic pagan
Converted: because SOMEONE said it was a good idea
De-converted: because I realized that it was really a horrible idea
sendkristinagifts AT gmail dot com

38 comments:

Anonymous said...

Kristina,

There's no reason to hate God... after all, you can't hate that which doesn't exist. I choose to hate Christianity, and the destructive power it has on human kind. Without Christianity (or any other religion), there wouldn't be hatred of homosexuality, of Darwinian evolution. We'd have less bigotry and more progress as human kind would be free to explore without the bondage of Christianity holding it back.

Pilgrim said...

I realize that...when I was saying a prayer to the idea of God...and Christianity.

I really do hate all of the misery it's caused me for many years.

I agree, we would be a lot better without Christianity.
-Kristina

Anonymous said...

Jesus never came for christianity.. Now where in the bible does the word christianity pops up..Its man made.. Jesus came to give life and that we all may have more abudantly.

Michelle said...

Hi Kristina,

Thanks for sharing your story. There were a couple of things you said that I identified with.

First, I also sufferered from depression, along with anxiety and panic attacks. I've never had the horrific hallucinations that you've had, but I suffered from extreme intrusive thoughts that the devil would possess me and turn me into a maniac. Also at times I thought that god would possess me and make me babble in tongues incoherently. It got so bad that I wanted to lay down on the highway and let a truck run over me just to end the mental torment. Fortunately I was able to hide this from my friends and family, I hate to think what they would do if they knew I was extremely close to a mental breakdown.

The other thing I experienced like you was the sublime relief of my depression and anxiety after I pushed christianity out of my life and stopped believing in hell. My head cleared and I was able to really feel normal for once in my life.

It's hard enough to deal with a traumatic childhood and a predisposition for mental issues without throwing in the fear of burning forever, invisible (or visible) spirits who want to possess you just for thinking the wrong things, christian relatives creeping you out by telling you the spooky things they've seen and heard (like my grandmother does to me), and the repression of natural human thoughts and feelings.

Reading stories like yours helps me to feel that I am not alone in what I went through. The good thing is that now you, I, and all the other ex-christians can do life on our terms, using our own minds and re-learning how to handle our struggles in a realistic and logical manner.

The interesting thing is, I've always loved Halloween as my favorite time of year, but I always felt a little guilty because of my christian background. Now I can really enjoy my monster movies because I know none of it is real, and that some "demon" is not going to possess me because I watched The Exorcist.

Lorena said...

Kristina,

Psychological problems and all, you are a brilliant individual. I like what you told your mom about the voice of satan.

Welcome to the religion-free world!

Lorena said...

Anonymous wrote:
" Jesus never came for christianity.. Now where in the bible does the word christianity pops up..Its man made.. Jesus came to give life and that we all may have more abudantly."

Lorena responds:
Good one! I never heard that one before.

But, come on, we would have never heard of Jesus if it wasn't for christianity. In which case, we wouldn't have been screwed so bad by the religion.

Bentley said...

I stay in wonderment on how so many people will let a stinking book that was brought over here 500 years ago on a rat infested boat, rule and control so many people today in 2006, a freaking stinking filth laden book!

And most likely the book was brought over here only to be used as toilet paper.

That would be it's only legitimate purpose!

If you read the blabble and believe it, it will destroy your mind! Untill you reject it's mind warping trash, just as you have done Kristina, good for you! Best Wishes for ya!

Ian said...

Kristina, i'm so sorry for what you've had to go through in life. Sometimes I think my life is miserable, but then a story like yours comes along that helps me to count my blessings.

I'm very sorry you had to go through all that sorrow and pain, but perhaps it did have a purpose...to help you wake up and see how christianity and religions sometimes cannot help us, and that we sometimes have to walk on our own feet and use our own hands to solve things. Lorena made a recent post on her blog that might sum it up:

"Really, if god does exist, she wants me to help myself instead of being on my knees beating my chest and waiting for heaven to send some help. Why would god want me to expect the supernatural, when the natural is good enough?

I believe that the universe holds the answers I need. And the universe includes my insights and that of my friends and loved ones, the resources at hand such as books, and health care practitioners with the knowledge to help me. If there is a god, that’s what I call god."

I imagine God might say "There's help for your illness. Go forth and get treatment so that you may get better." Perhaps what you went through was a message that you can't count on a force to do everything for you, that sometimes you have to work at solving problems, rather then praying and hoping God is going to solve them.

With that said, i'm glad you feel better, and that you're free. I too can testify from experience that it feels really good to yell at God about something (in my case, it was how I was never, ever going back to christianity, you got that God?!?!). May the road in front of you be good and fortunate as you walk the new path of your life.

freedy said...

Kristina,...you mentioned emotional and sexual abuse which is bad enough!
I believe these things are not hard to overcome with time,..but spiritual abuse goes on and on and is totally sanctioned by our country/world.
Thanks for your story,..it helped us to remember the continuing horror of religious abuse on children!

J. C. Samuelson said...

Hi Kristina,

Good for you and welcome to the club.

I was thinking while reading your post that less than a century ago there weren't even names for the mental illnesses you've suffered from. Less than a century ago if you had sought treatment it seems likely you would've been committed or been placed under a priest's care. How scary is that?

Sadly, many people still credit Satan for these afflictions.

Again, welcome to the world of reason.

Kristina said...

Michelle: Thank you for your support, and sharing the pain you went through as well. It is good to know that there are other people who went through some of the same things I did. It is quite freeing!

Lorena: Thank you so much for the compliment.

stanley: I don't really stand in wonderment at how people let the bible control their lives, because I used to be one of them. It doesn't puzzle me one bit. Christianity is based on fear. That's why the people let a bible control their lives.

Ian: I agree with you completely if a god/goddess does exist then they definitely want us to help ourselves. One of the other turning points was when mom and I were sitting in the car, and I was arguing about how God makes all the major decisons in my life (according to christianity we should pray for his will) like marriage, and which job I should take. I decided then and there that I would begin to take control of my own life. Whether it be my mental health, or anything else.

freedy: Spiritual abuse is prevelant in our society. I made a vow that I would NEVER raise my children Christian, Jewish, or Muslim...if they want to deal with that later on in life then that's fine. But I'm not raising my child to believe in hell...ever.

j.c.: I have thought of that often too...I probably would have been exorcised or just committed to a mental institution (those things were horrid, possibly still are) for life. I am so glad that I had a family to support me. And the courage to pull myself out of the mire.

Everyone: Thanks for reading my story and commenting, thank you so much for your encouragement. Sometimes it is hard leaving Christianity.

Kristina

Trancelation said...

Kristina:

Christianity, in and of itself, is a mental disorder with symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder and and it is a meme, a social disease that acts like a virus. Christianity is a sickness.

When I was going through depression, I believed in the Bible. Mind you, I did not accept that it was right - only that it was true. Growing up, my code of honor and conduct was that all humans were equal, that each and every one was deserving of respect, and my parents told me that this was in the Bible.

Then I read it.

It shattered my world. Here, in this book that was supposed to be the greatest book ever written, containing the greatest truths of life, was the statement that, no, we are not equal, and the divider of our equality is not our actions, but our thoughts.

That if we do not believe that a man named Jesus Christ lived and died, rose from the dead, and ascended bodily to Heaven to atone for OUR sins . . . then God would deny you and send you to a place of everlasting punishment.

That, right there, is THE central belief of Christianity. And when you tell a person that hates himself this, it only makes tht hatred a housand times worse.

Christians hide behind their disease with words like "right" and "wrong," "good" and "evil," "authority" and "faith," all to avoid one word: healthy.

Christians are sick, and they know it. In their bouts of narcissism, they hide behind bigger, fancier words to avoid having to admit that they are unhealthy. They will bend over backwards trying to prove that they are RIGHT . . . so long as they do not have to admit that they are UNHEALTHY.

The healthiest thing you could have done is to leave Christianity. Congratulations, Kristina. I hope that you find peace on your new path, free of the self-inflicted torment that comes with the emotional baggage of believing that a mangod died for your sins. I think that you will. I think you are already becoming healthier. And I know that Christians will hate you for it. All narcissists hate those that refuse to suffer with them and shower them with attention.

Nvrgoingbk said...

Kristina,
My entire Christian experience (sixteen years worth) was nothing but fear, confusion, and torment. I would see Jesus naked on the cross when I was sixteen and pray that God would forgive me and take away such thoughts about my "savior" (I had always thought of Jesus as a big brother of sorts, and since my brother had molested me, I would be tormented by visions of Jesus naked). I remember once feeling that demons were all around me in my room. I just laid there in bed scared to death and begging God to protect me from them. For 16 years I wrestled with the issue of what it takes to be saved, hypocrisy within the church, doctrines of men (they're ALL doctrines of men), troublesome scriptures, etc. etc. For years I battled self loathing, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks, and came close to having nervous breakdowns many times. I would picture myself in a bathtub of bloody water after having imagined to slit my wrists and would feel some small sense of peace; even if I could not follow through with the act, I could entertain the thought, ya know? I envied that image of me dead in the bathtub, because I saw a woman that was no longer tormented. If it wasn't suicidal thoughts, than I would entertain thoughts of committing myself to an institution just to obtain a prescription that would anesthesize me and help me forget, if only for a little while, the Hell on earth that I was living in.

Too many victims have gone crazy, comitted suicide, murdered in the name of God, ostracized others in the name of "God", judged others in the name of "God"...Too many families have been destroyed, too many pastors have fleeced the flock, molested their youth, slept with their parishoners wives...Too many friendships have been lost, too many homosexual men and women have lived in shame, too many people have lived in terror of Hell simply for the "sin" of unbelief, too many denominations have been formed... When will it all end?

Your story is tragic, but you are free now. There is so much freedom and beauty this side of religion. There is so much clarity this side of religion. "Into a daybreak that's wonderously clear, I rise" as Maya Angelou would say..."I am the dream and the hope of the slave."

You, Kristina, are no longer a slave.

Bentley said...

Trancelation, you are exactly right! Christians (mentally ill people) will lie, cheat, steal, commit murder, molest children, yet they can justify their actions, by blaming their imaginary Satan, and yet run back to their imaginary mangod savior and get instant forgiveness, it doesn't get any sicker than that!

Then you see the Muslims on the news running around like a bunch of brain dead lunatics, why all because of a friggen belief, (narcissistic personality disorder) infected by an authority figure, idiot parents!!!

Religious people are desperatly missing something, mostly common sense and no faith in themselves to think for themselves without a personal God waiting there to slap them with a yard stick to correct them onto the right path. It's fear based suppression from reality, as if reality is your worst enemy. So the Bible's and Q'uran's agenda is to inflict fear and suppression from reality and to keep people thinking and acting mentally insane, religious agenda is to keep people mentally off balanced.

The very same can be said for politics, keep people mentally off balanced, and the government can keep screwing the people.


You are so right, that was great, thanks!

Leonard said...

Welcome, Kristina. I hope everything will be all right now. :)

It´s at least one bear off the road now.

Trancelation said...

Stanley:

"It's fear based suppression from reality, as if reality is your worst enemy."

Bingo.

The world is one great, big scary place, full of questions and seemingly no answers. It is full of violence, suffering and misery. And in the constant static that we call 'entertainment,' people are searching for value and meaning.

And ya' know what? I understand that. I understand needing meaning and value. But I understand that meaning is MADE, not FOUND.

When a person does NOT realize that, that's when they become afraid, and that's when they start looking for easy answers. Answers like the idea that an invisible man in the sky made each and every hair on their ass unique, special and meaningful, answers that there is a place of eternal punishment for those that disagree with them on any issue.

Why do you think no two Christians agree on anything? It's narcissism, plain and simple.

So there's an answer. We know it's the wrong answer, we know it's sick, depraved and narcissistic, but it's an ANSWER. It takes away the mystery and the uncertainty . . . or at least, it's supposed to. It's supposed to give us meaning, yet not one single person follows all of the rules in that book, because they can't, there are too many contradictions.

So like you said: it's fear-based suppression from reality, because some people can't handle reality. And when you can't handle reality, you are . . .

Sick.

SpaceMonk said...

Welcome Kristina,

Schizophrenic is such a good word for it.
If dividing up the different aspects of our personality into these characters of 'Jesus', 'God' and 'Satan', with all their imaginary helpers and enemies, then fitting it all into some invisible battle that nobody around us can see isn't Schizophrenic then I don't know what is.

No wonder the world is such a mess with so many people living this way, and not even knowing it.

Without the belief in a god there's no basis for the belief in his enemies, ie. demons, etc.
So it's a powerful thing to see that, despite resisting 'demons' all your life, the nightmare wasn't really over for you until you rejected 'God' 'him'self.

Thanks for that story.

Anonymous said...

"All of a sudden I had this irrational fear that the Christian God was real. And He was going to hear her prayers (and the Bible study, and her evangelism class, because they are all praying for me too) and then make me miserable again so I would come crawling back to Him."

Kristina,

How terrifying to have those thoughts. I can see where you would have that fear with all that you've been through. I applaud you for being able to overcome the damage that Christianity has done to you. Welcome to the site. You'll find alot of support and friends here.

Jennifer

Anonymous said...

poor poor poor people
blame God for everything

Wes said...

>> poor poor poor people
blame God for everything
>>


poor poor poor idiot
can't understand we don't blame god for anything...

-Wes.

Anonymous said...

I pray God brings all that you all have said to rememberance while your burning & getting gnawled on for all eternity

Anonymous said...

But maily I pray that ya'll get saved before it comes to that.....death has all of our numbers ..its up to us where we spend eternity

Astreja said...

Anonymous, get a life. Even if your god did exist, it's too evil to be worshipped. Read your friggin' Bible. All of it.

.:webmaster:. said...

It's so refreshing to have True Christians™ posting on the site.

Hey Y'all! Pa-raise the Lard!

Warnepiece said...

Anony,

This is what you are suggesting.....

God – “I love you, you human beings I created. I love you so much and want you to spend eternity with me because my heart overflows unbounded with love for you.” I love you SO, SO MUCH! I can’t think of anything I love SO much as you human beings. I’ll even allow a third of myself to be killed and have that third come back from the dead to show you how much I love you!"

Us – “Um, because it appears you only exist in a book, we aren’t sure we can return that love...".”

God - "…THEN GO TO HELL…and burn in torment for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever.”

Rebekah said...

Dear Kristina,
I want to share with you so much my trails, we have so much in common.God is still working on me. I was once an atheist, amongst other things. One thing that has helped me understand myself, was even as a small child I felt betrayed by my mother when I found out she lied to me about there being no Santa Claus. It does sound stupid, but it hurt me tremendously, because I thought my mother was "perfect" and never lied. She was NOT a Christian, but a really good mother. It seems, all children, EXPECT their mother to be perfect, but they are not and neither are ANY Christians. You have been what is called "spiritually abused." And NEVER EVER RECEIVE it when someone tries to tell you you didn't pray enough. That is a LIE. These Christians who have believed this are "in error". They mean well, that is, if you knew the Word better than them, you could easily point out their error, but as a child, this is really sad to me. But, I have even been "spiritually abused" and I am old enough to probably be your mother. So, some people just believe "in error" and we have to NOT RECEIVE such nonsense!!! That is why we are to read and understand the Bible for ourselves, so no one can fool us, even our selves we deceive. Sometimes, yes, I do anyway. But, the truth is, Jesus is real and no one on the face of this earth has been able to "prove" that the Bible is wrong. They can prove that other Christians are wrong and so could I. I have been hurt by those in the church and I took a sabbatical from church for two years because God knew the hurt and anger I felt and it wasn't doing me any good to go to worship with all that hurt and anger unresolved and no one was there to help resolve these issues and they held to a few things really out of place, but I wasn't 'read up' enough in God's Word and didn't know the Love He had for me, so I continued to be under the authority, spiritual authority that was in most ways right, but in a very BIG WAY REALLY WRONG! And, I think there are many, many, many of these types of churches and Jesus, through the Apostle John in Revelation, addresses these issues. IN that respect, we don't have to worry about them, God Himself is already dealing with them, even though we can't see it and He will deal more roughly (that's in God's Word) with teachers and preachers and such, than the rest of us.

What we need to do is forgive them. (I am going through a really close similar experience as you that is why I share this with you.) If you look around at the overcomers, the victorious Christians, the FEARLESS ONES, they KNOW that Jesus did not come into the world to CONDEMN, but to save!!!! Don't worry about the others in error right now, for satan to throw you off so much and so quickly, you can be sure you were threatening satan and that God loves you very much. The Christian walk IS the narrow way, but it is a decision as well. We have to overcome our self, satan, the world and sin. This is no easy task, nor did Jesus ever say it would be. To turn away from conforming to the world and believing what the world says is very hard. And I won't go into the rest, but it IS a narrow and difficult way, but I have to confess, that as a seeker and a former atheist, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., and I am embarrassed and they are all in my past, so that is why I don't identify with them, but as a TRUE SEEKER of whether "this guy" as I formerly put it - is real - well, I found out that He is and He IS worth putting it all on the line.

God doesn't condemn you, and no one ever should have told that. I will try to be in prayer for you Kristina, that you will be able to forgive those people who spiritually abused you, just know that Jesus' biggest hurt, too, was from one of the disciples (a disciple who even "kissed" him)! I have felt this pain and I will never forget it! I have been abused in other ways, unfortunately like so many others in this world, but I still feel that the greatest angst and pain I suffered was from a church who "spiritually abused me." It took me almost two years to find out that "I" didn't have the problem, but "they" did. And then, God wanted me to pray for them and to forgive them, because it was most likely error passed down from generation to generation or from faulty leadership. You are precious, Kristina, and I have been where you have and even tried other things. It is also a LIE that Christians hate people who are homosexual. Some do, but whether they are "Christian in name only" is what God sees, because God has already said in His Word to us, that "we will know them by their works and their love for one another." If any Christian judges or condemns like that, what does God say about that?
Jesus would have opened wide his arms as he did with the prostitute, the tax collector, etc., remember? And He still is today, except you are right, the church is supposed to be His Arms, but where are they??? It isn't God's fault, it's people and their twisting things around. In fact, he made specific references to the fact that the prostitute and tax collector and sinful person who KNOWS they are a sinner and in need of God's grace and deliverance, He said, "they will make it into the Kingdom of Heaven first..." I can't find my Bible right now, but it's in there, the rest of it.

It is the ones who think they "got all the knowledge" of Jesus, and that's all they need to get into Heaven, who are wrong, and Jesus addressed them many times. He said "Woe, woe, unto you scribes and Pharisees, and that is the exact attitude of so many "Christians by name" today." We must be careful not to judge anyone ourselves, but we also must learn to be wise enough to stay away from those who are not really following Christ correctly. He is the only perfect Lover of our soul who is Lord of all. Satan is still the "prince of the power of this air" and we are in DAILY warfare with him. If a Christian comes up to you or acts like they have "attained total enlightenment or whatever", read Paul's message..... He fought DAILY for his salvation and to be an overcomer. And we are all to do the same for we are ALL in warfare for our own souls. And he was a killer of Christians in his life before meeting the Lord!

I will pray about your situation with the schizophrenia stuff. I have witnessed things, but this is all I wanted to share with you now, because you need to forgive these people who have "spiritually abused" you. There is a scripture that God even gave to me a dream for me AND this church I was going to. And it is Matthew 18:32-34.
The Lord specifically showed me these beautiful scriptures all throughout His Word that "we are to love one another" and he told me that "I" was not measuring up because I was holding unforgiveness against a beautiful Christian person who I felt was charging me too much money. Probably because at this other church school I went to, I received so much discounts. And well, that part is too personal and embarrassing for me, but I was holding a grudge and they may have been not perfect, but God showed me everything He had forgiven me of, and believe me, it wasn't pretty. Then he showed me that I was under false doctrine, not totally though, but they didn't preach forgiveness, and forgiveness is what God is all about. We will be forgiven AS we forgive and sometimes we have to ask God to help us forgive because we can't do it on our own. Anyway, He said then, if you refuse to forgive, I will turn you over to the "tormentors" (different versions of the Bible say it different), but the tormentors are "demons". I am not saying that is for sure what is going on, but its something to look at. I am familiar and have seen schizophrenic people delivered, but I will share next time.

I can never say anything bad about my Lord, for I know I have caused most of my own misery even without knowing it. And others have too, but I think I had the most hatred and anger because I grew up in an abusive home, so I forgive them a lot easier now. But it is NOT easy to forgive and Jesus told us it wouldn't be. I KNOW you are precious to God. God doesn't condemn. I wish I could give you a big hug, because I've been there and I know how painful it is. Remember Jesus does too.

Wes said...

Wow, Rebekah! You sure now how to write a lot of words without actually saying anything useful! -Wes.

Wes said...

"But, the truth is, Jesus is real and no one on the face of this earth has been able to "prove" that the Bible is wrong."

Just like Rebekah (and her ilk) have yet to "prove" that the Flying Spaghetti Monster doesn't live on one of the moons orbiting Jupiter. Yeesh. -Wes.

Wes said...

Yuch. I got about half way through Rebekah's post, but then I couldn't handle it anymore. Just the same empty 'feel good' talk that all these people seem to dispense; this doesn't sound any different from any other xtian spew. Exactly the same. Blah blah blah. Nothing logical there! Rebekah does nothing to back her assertions. She doesn't even offer any evidence to support her views! Nothing. But that is not surprising, it it? :-) -Wes.

shannerwren said...

There got to be a measure to suffering and pain – shades of gray – some being worst than others… I’m sure it sucked for ‘jesus’…but Nelson Mandela did spend 27 years in prison. How about John McCain, he spent 5 1/2 years as a prisoner of war and was beat almost daily, and then there is the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse.

Can jesus really understand the suffering and pain of female genital mutilation?

The guy has had 2,000 years hanging in heaven – I’m thinking that’d take some of the sting of those few days he had the shit beat out of him. I, mean, I’m just saying.

Anonymous said...

Its very dishearting to see some of the comment that some people have posted. Jesus is the saviour of the world. He is still interseeding on your behalf as you belittle him."Forgive the Father They Know Not What They Do" For he is love and cannot hate. I pray that you will no longer harden your hearts to the love of God. For God's love is the most sacred things we have. It is understandable that you are turned off of religion and doctrine. But the love of God surpass all understanding including your own hurts,failures and ideas. Yes God sees the pain hurt and injustice. But those things are temporary here on this earth.. What God has prepared for those that love him is the gift of eternity. A kingdom that is HIS where pain and suffering does not exists.One day we will have to give an account to Him for the things we have said and done in this life time. All have fallen short. I bless you with the love Of Christ. For it is he who is still carrying you and loving you .... "When you see what set of footprints in the sand remember its God thats carring you"

Sweet Z said...

Kristen life is a journey and its obvious that you were disappointed that God did not cure you from your illness. Its ok to be angry, frustrated and mad with him. You see He sees into your heart. No person has that ability to see into your heart. He knows your fears, worries and bitterness. He understands your disappointments. Its easier for you right now to hate Him than to love Him. But no matter what He still loves you. I know the awesomeness of God. He will not forget your childlike faith. I pray that the Jesus continue to interceed for you.

boomSLANG said...

Anony June 26 said: Its very dishearting to see some of the comment(s) that some people have posted. Jesus is the saviour of the world. He is still interseeding on your behalf as you belittle him."

I'm not sure what "interseeding" means---but it's very disheartening to see that people living in the 21 century still superstitiously believe that legendary invisible beings are "here" and watching over us, especially in light of all the suffering around us, while the best excuse that the believer can come up with is that this suffering is all part of a divine "plan". Hogwash.

Since the rest of your post is full of presuppositional assertions, and nothing more, I'll just say this:

Won't you come and join us in reality? Choose reason...not superstition.

boomSLANG said...

Next.

Sweet Z said: [Kristina] life is a journey and its obvious that you were disappointed that God did not cure you from your illness. Its ok to be angry, frustrated and mad with him.

No, it's NOT "okay" to be "angry, frustrated, and mad" at non-existant beings. That would only compound any mental illness that might already exist in the first place. On the other hand, it's perfectly normal and healthy to be angry for having been lied to.

Sweet Z: I know the awesomeness of God.

Yes, "awesomeness"!..like, "Hey, this snowcone sure does taste yummy on a hot summer's day. God is SO awesome!"

Sweet Z: He will not forget your childlike faith.

No, "He" won't forget your "childlike faith"....in fact, "He" counts on it. The same way any charlatan counts on their victims to have "child-like faith".

Sweet Z: I pray that the Jesus continue to interceed for you.

I think you fundies mean "intercede", no? Nonetheless, you are wasting your time down on your knees.

redtail said...

Anonymous...do you write greeting cards as well? You sound like a parrot

Astreja said...

Anonymous, June 26: "Jesus is the saviour of the world."

I don't think so. Christianity has made the world worse, not better.

"He is still interseeding (sic) on your behalf as you belittle him."

No. If ever he existed, he is now quite dead, quite gone, and quite unable to intercede for anyone.

"What God has prepared for those that love him is the gift of eternity."

Eternity does not require gods. If you mean eternal life as the person that I happen to be at this moment... Uh, no thanks. Not in the least bit interested. I hope to spend *my* eternity roaming the universe, being assembled and disassembled by the various cosmic forces and processes, and becoming more and more different every single nanosecond.

"A kingdom that is HIS where pain and suffering does not exists."

Can't be all that great a place if a bunch of the angels decided to leave.

One day we will have to give an account to Him for the things we have said and done in this life time.

No. We need to account to our fellow humans for what we are doing here and now.

eel_shepherd said...

Some drive-by Xtian wrote:
"...I bless you with the love Of Christ. For it is he who is..." etc. etc. ad nauseum

Well, de Camptown Christians sing dis song/ Doo-dahh, doo-dahh..."

Richard said...

I really indentify with this, especially my life as it is right now, i'm already an atheist, and i've left christianity, but my home life sucks. Anyone who wants to email me can at myspacemail@goowy.com

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