It hit me like a Baseball Bat

sent in by Bill

WOW, What a fantastic Website!!! I haven't had alot of time to look at everything yet, but what I have seen so far describes me and what I went through over the last 5 years or so.

That others have suffered becasue of the dogma of Christianity, and not just me, makes me feel like I have a few friends out there that think the same way I do.

(this will be as brief as possbile (lunchtime at work), but I will expand my points another time. But I really wanted to get "published" here.

Five years ago this month I went to my chruch ministries for help with my "sin" problems. Yes, I was a Christian.. or was I? Was I just pretending to be...Just in Case? No, I really was, I loved God and Jesus, but not with all my heart and soul and life. I also liked Carl Sagan, Darwin, Einstein, Discovery Channel, Howard Stern, Cigarettes, Beer, Pornography, and many other non christian type of idol behavior. The "sins" were not that big of deal, now that I look back on it, and it was basically between Me and what I thought God thought about it, but as a Christian is was time for them to GO and Give all to Christ. You cannot be luke warm....

So I bucked up (after praying for months to God about what to do about this), humbled myself and scheduled an appointment with the pastor at First Assembly and the Leaders of the Mens Ministry and Promise Keepers... and Yes, I told them my story. I knew it would be embarrassing and humbling with humility (and it was)
... Me, a so called Christian..behaving such a way. But as an "addict" I thought I needed help.(really it was just guilt, not an addiction thing)

Well, boy did I take them by surprise! I don't think they actually would think anyone would come forward and confess such a thing. BUT they said they would help me through this very difficult thing. Well, they didn't. They said they would, but they left me hanging. They would not return calls, after I had left messages. Never called to see how I was doing, etc... It left me stunned and ashamed that I was being rejected. Not just by the church, but by God, who supposedly was leading me out of temptation and delivering me from Evil... but it was just the opposite.

It felt like someone took a Baseball Bat and slammed me upside the head with it. I went down and I went down hard. I was beyond depression and in a very serious way. I got a message to the church about this...but still NO reponse. The despair grew worse and worse. The emotion of it was like watching your Wife and Son fall out of a High Rise building in NYC and you can do nothing to stop it and it is all your fault...

I thought God set me up, just to finally convince me that I was not part of the final reward and should not even consider trying to be in his Graces....Yes, it was that fucked up....

I wish I could say that I became agnostic by just using my brain (as my brain was trying to tell me), but I can't. It took a huge catastrophic uplifting experience to get me to even look at what the real problem was. Here I was praying, begging to God every night for a year, before I finally said...I don't think anybody's listening. I was not asking for things, I was asking for Love and Peace of Mind.. thats all

But it was just like talking to a rock It was listening either.

Who said God answers prayers. Who said God said this or God said that??? Who said all this stuff? The Bible! Oh the Bible. Let me take another look at it for the first time.

Boring Boring Boring ..
at least until I research the history of the bible. Where did it come from? Who put what in there? Did God really talk?
Do donkeys talk? Does God kill and hate his enemies? How come Genesis Chapter 2 is different. Not only in content,but format as well.. Just by looking at it you could tell that it was from two different writers/eras...

Internet! Search Bible History!! Errors Contradictions. Versions. Interpretations! WOW 59 - 100 versions of Christianity Whose Right? Only first assembly? Only the catholics?

It is hard to lose Jesus as your best friend and Heaven as your eternal destiny (especically if it it what you really have been waiting for, since life was not that great to you to begin with)

It hurt like hell and there is no way I should still be alive today except for a few things..

Carl Sagan, Darwin, History Channel, the Internet, Einstein, Howard Stern, Baseball, Football, Beer, Cigarettes, Pornography, Work at a really cool company, Beer, Pornor...oops I already said that...oh yea

My wife and son also (who are still christian by the way)

after five years now the fog is almost lifted, but not completely...Damaged, but still here..and alot smarter and wiser. (now if I only could quit smoking again) Man o man this born again stuff really sucks

Lunch over gotta go

thanks for reading and I'll be back



State: MD

Country: USA

Became a Christian: Baptised Catholic as an infant

Ceased being a Christian: 43

Labels before: Catholic, Episcopal, Christian, First Assembly of God

Labels now: Agnostic, the universe did not create itself, but who really knows

Why I joined: fascinated by creation, where did it come from. God made the world, became part of it, and man rejected the offering. For some reason that made sense to me for many years

Why I left: Commons Sense eventually forced me to. But I needed persuaded and it wasn't pretty...still recovering