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8/14/07                                                                                       View Comments

I would rather poke my eye out

Sent in by Meredith T

I recently de-converted after 15 years as a Christian while going through a divorce and enduring hypocrisy in the church. If I had a nickel for every email I got saying, "God Hates Divorce!" and, "I love you but I don't agree with you," I would be rich! I even got one saying "I'm sorry to hear you gave up your space in eternity for this (divorce)!"

OK, well who the f!#k do you think you are to take a stance whether you 'agree' with me or not? Is that any of your business, and did I even ask you?

One former friend said, "We have the right to know why you are doing this." I’m sorry, but why do "close Christian friends" feel the need to decide everything as a group -- even to declare someone's marriage as "divorce-worthy" or not?

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I de-converted not solely because of what my church and Christian friends did to me (even though that got me 'thinking'), but ultimately I discovered I could no longer see how divorce as taught in the Bible was "true." There is no way I can believe that anymore, since I view my divorce as the healthiest thing possible for me. Someday, if my ex can break free from his "brainwash" in Christ, hopefully he will see this as a positive for us too. But currently he still hates me for breaking my "sacred covenant," even though he admits to living five years of "hell" with me.

I married while I was "on fire for God" at age 22, and even though I knew deep down I didn't love this guy, he "loved god," and "instantly forgave me" for what a bad person I saw myself as. So I thought, "How could we go wrong with GOD on our side?" We thanked "Jesus Christ for putting life and love in our hearts" in the top billing of our wedding program. And we had two (yes, two) ministers marry us. Wow, I felt good -- it doesn't get any "holier" than this. "Everyone, look at me! Aren't I a good person? Look at all my Christian friends, all so proud of me! Look! We can have fun without drinking!”

I'm just thankful we got out before we had kids together.

Anyway, some very sweet Christian friends who had been through a divorce tried to help me with my doubts about the teaching against divorce in the Bible with words like "god forgives," and "god still loves me" and "grace is the most important thing." But once I saw the Bible as containing falsehood, I started reading. It was like I became addicted. I read this site for hours on end, and everything else I could find. Slowly, my eyes were fully opened, and it was like over night and I "got it." My mind was opened. I agree with one of the recent posters to this site who said "What was I thinking?" OMG – what WAS I thinking?

Anyway, that's my story. It feels good to write it out and I'm still trying to figure out how to tell my friends and family, almost all who are Christian and trying to get me to go to church somewhere. Frankly, I would rather poke my eye out.

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