I suppose that I should not give up on God, but...

Sent in by Amy

I used to be a devout practicing Christian. It didn't take long before I realized that Christians are basically no different than anyone who isn't a Christian. People are still just people no matter what. The problem that I personally found in Christianity was that the people I had in my life who claimed Christianity took it to a whole different level. I found my life being controlled and manipulated all "in the name of God," and the pastor made decisions that directed how my life went while saying that he had been ordained by God to do so and that I would be going against the Lord if I refused to comply. It wasn't too long before I escaped that torturous environment.

Now I'm out here on my own, and I've never felt so lonely. I stand here, wishing I could have the good things about Christianity in my life but not believing I am strong enough to chance the bad stuff. Walking into a new church is like walking on a field of land mines. You never know when somethings going to, figuratively speaking, blow up in the name of God and His Word.

The worst thing about this is that I have turned very bitter toward God for this. I read the book of Job and found that he mentioned some variation of the word "bitter" in each turn that he talked except for one. Job knew what it felt like to be bitter toward a God that seemed to have let him down. Christian Bible fundamentalists will scream "but it was the devil!" I say that the devil could not do anything without God's permission first, as the story goes; who then is really responsible for letting a deranged demon maniac torture his own child? While you're thinking about that one, think on this one: God does it to each of us every single day too. I confess that I am pissed at Him for this. As much as I wish I could love Him, there is this barrier that I can't get beyond, this lack of trust between us for that reason.

I suppose that I should not give up on God, but then, I don't have anywhere else to go, do I? Who is going to stand up for me to Him? Job asked the same thing, and even though my life circumstances now don't compare evenly with Job's, it doesn't make my pain any less tormenting for me.

I can't be the only one who's pissed off about that, but I'm probably one of the few who has the guts to admit it. If not, speak out. In a demented way, I would find comfort in knowing that I am not alone.

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