sent in by 33yroldsinglefemaleinDallas
My story is like so many here. I was raised in a typical Christian family. My father passed away when I was 14, which made me become more serious about my faith for a while. I think it was the only way I knew how to deal with the loss at the time, thinking I would one day see him again in heaven. I went of the deep end in what I thought was sin in my early 20s. I was so miserable. I had such bad depression that was compounded by eating disorders and a drug problem that developed trying to stay thin. After sever panic attacks, I picked up my bible. I went so full force into Christianity thinking I would be set free from my "evil" desires. I went to a spirit filled church and bible college. I was on staff at the church. I was so consumed by the whole lifestyle I lived in as much of a constant state of prayer and worship as humanly possible. I was obsessive compulsive about it. I even went around bursting in tongues in my car driving around and all. While I must admit I feel I had some spiritual experiences that seemed very real, I saw many fake put-on experiences going on by many in the church.
I knew there was things that didn't make sense, like why it says you shall lay hands on the sick and they shall recover, yet they never did! SO many things I was taught was my lack of faith, some unknown sin I needed revelation on, or just it wasn't gods timing. I never got rid of my depression despite the fact of all the hands that were laid on me in prayer or despite all the times I spent as a holy roller on the ground laughing at Rodney Howard Brown meetings. Really, the depression just got worse. I always what I was wrong with me, and put on that happy church face. I "crucified" so much of my flesh thinking that would ease my burden. I cast my cares by faith on Jesus everyday, yet he just handed them back. I tithed faithfully for years, yet was always poor and broke, even though I was responsible with money. I did everything I was taught and told.
I thought I discovered why none of it worked a few years ago because I was taught the wrong names. I started praying to YHWH in Yeshua's name. I learned all about the feasts and Torah. I was taught by some that Paul was just misunderstood, kept Torah, and taught others to do so. That didn't really ever make much sense to me, but it did as far as the teachings of Yeshua alone. SO I went pro-Torah.
Still many prayers went unanswered, many flesh desires never left. I studied the Old Testament enough to realize Yeshua could not be savior. I was convinced he wasn't anymore, but that it says, "YHWH alone is savior." Keeping Torah was still to hard. You can't keep it in modern world, even if the "exile" was over. If you run any electricity on Sabbath energy is being consumed and someone is working at a power plant. All the Messianic and Jewish sects more many splits and ways to interpret the word as Xians. I studied with some very respectable people who are very educated in the Hebrew language. All it did was get me to doubt to many books int the Old Testament, esp Daniel. Now I question the first 6 books too, that I thought could be the only truth left.
I just don't see how a loving god could tell these people to kill babies when they take over cities. Why couldn't they just go live and build their own cities? Did those babies who where not old enough to even know what they considered pagan religions know the pagan religions? Why did he not reveal his truth to everyone on the earth? If he wanted to he could do it! I also was unable to accept he told the Hebrews he would make things so bad for the them if they didn't obey that they would hide and eat their children from starving.
I see Xtianity as based on all the pagan religions. It started with Nimrod, Mithra, Ishtar, and other pagan deities that where in ancient religions. Christmas was around way before Jesus, as were passion plays. My unfulfilled search and hunger for the truth has lead me into not knowing what to believe anymore. I know there is something supernatural out there because I have had psychic experiences that were real. I was also sucked up into a space ship once and I don't think it was my mind playing tricks one me. I feel at peace more than ever knowing I may know all of the truth. Those who feel they can know the whole truth are prideful control freaks in my book. Now if I can just find a way to survive in a family and town full of Xtians.
Joined at: Got saved at 6 yrs old
Left at: 32
Was: Assembly of God, Baptist, nondenom, spirit filled, messianic, karaite
Now: no labels anymore
Converted because: xtian was what I was raised believing was right
de-converted from researching many things
email: cryersf at cs dot com