Living The Lie

sent in by "Withheld for fear of exposure"

1981, Ansbach, Germany: I was a member of the armed forces stationed overseas. I was heavilly into drinking and other self-destructive activities, and feeling very alone so far from home. I came upon a tract in, of all places, the stall of a restroom, and there, with a hang-over headache, and feeling very nauseated from the night before, I read and recited the words that I thought would save me.

No miraculous transformation occured, and in fact, I pretty much wrote it off as a desparate attempt at salvation, but it stayed with me, and for many years I 'played' at being a christian.

And I played it very well for many years, until I finally married a good christian woman who got me more and more involved in the church. Up until this point, I continued to drink heavilly, having never really given it up. Then one night, after praying, I lost the urge to drink, began attending church more and more, and even becoming an active member. I began to attend other church activities beyond just the routine Sunday services, we joined home groups, and even lead several. I played in a worship band, and taught Sunday school. You could say that I was very into the whole christian scene.

Over the past few months, however, I have been coming to a more truthful understanding of what is real in this world and what was made up for the sake of man kind. Good things that happen to christians are always 'blessings from god', and bad things that happen to christians are always 'the will of god'. But good things and bad things happen just a frequently to non-christians without blame or credit being given. After reading through the bible, and completing several studies, I had to come to the conclusion that the bible is best filed away with other such works, such as The Brothers Grimm Fairy Tales, or Mother Goose stories. They were wonderful in teaching someone a moral, great examples when trying to get your story across, but to be taken literally didn't work for me, and truthfully never did.

Well, I could go on as to why I de-converted, but there is one area I would like to cover, and perhaps receive some feedback. My "good christian woman" wife is still that, and seems to gain in her strength with each passing day. Over the years, we have had several conversations about believers marrying non-believers, and how it would never work. I once started to approach the subject with her, dropping small hints, and she became very upset, stating how she has relied on me for MY strength to help her through those tough times. So I continue to wear a face that is not me, putting on the heirs of a christian, as far as still attending church and home group meetings with her. I don't like lying to her, so I chalk it up to being supportive of her, the way I would a child who wants to be a big league ball player, but is just too small. Is this wrong? I don't want my marriage to end, and I can't guarantee it wouldn't if I told her the truth. So the lie continues, just from a different angle. Go figure!


Sex: M
State: PA
Became a Christian: 21
Ceased being a Christian: 44
Labels before: Homegroup Leader/Worship Team Member/Youth Leader
Labels now: Free
Why I joined: Felt Lost
Why I left: Truth
Email Address: Blazing_Snowman at yahoo dot com