From nerd-dom to freedom

sent in by Narcissist

My father was a dysfunctional non practicing catholic of Italian decent. Mother was a born again evangelical, of Anglo-Saxon decent who copped a lot of verbal and some physical abuse from my father, and was not permitted to practise her protestant religion. Mother was also very loving, despite the crap she copped. When I was old enough, I started copping it too.

I was a nerd at school. I would never fight. I never wanted to. I swore I would never be violent like my old man.

At high school I somehow discovered a group called ISCF (Inter-School Christian Fellowship). I went along ‘cause that’s what good Catholic/Christian boys are supposed to do. Didn’t really do much for me, except to maintain an awareness that God was always watching me. Always. You see, as my young teenage body entered puberty, I became more and more interested in girls. Coincidentally, at exactly the same time, my face became more and more covered with acne. Joy. So here I am, the nerdiest boy in school, getting bullied at school, unable to stand up for myself, because I didn’t want to be violent like my old man, who was screaming his head off at me and beating the shit out of me at home. I’ve got girls turning me down all over the place because of my oily pus covered face, and my wuss-boy, nerdy nature. Good Christian boys didn’t drink and smoke. So how did I attempt to numb the pain of all this crap going on in my life?

Good old masturbation. Hmmm…. It was my daily half hour escape between getting home from school and mum getting home from work. I told no one I was doing it. I thought I was about the only one in my class doing it. As far as I knew, no other human knew what I was up to.

But God knew. God was watching me. I felt so guilty and prayed so hard for God to stop me wanking myself. But, he didn’t, or he wouldn’t. The temptation was so strong, and it felt so good.

The guilt continued.

Towards end of high school, I made a new friend who was a Jehovah’s Witness. I became involved with the Jehovah’s Witnesses not long after finishing high school and leaving home for the first time. These guys, I thought, were the real deal. They seemed to care and seemed to do what God wanted them to do. I wanted to do what God wanted me to do too. But I was still masturbating, and getting quite good at it too, from memory. But I didn’t want to. So eventually I “confessed” to a JW mentor, cause that’s what you’re supposed to do when you sin aren’t you? Didn’t work though. When family found out I was learning to be a JW they were very unhappy. Eventually I began to see the error of the JW’s thanks to reading and thinking. I was drawn the more mainstream forms of Christianity.

I did the whole teary altar call thing, prayed The Prayer that apparently made me a Christian, on a few occasions actually. My continued masturbation made sure I always doubted the integrity my own faith.

I used to go to a variety of churches; Anglican, Baptist, Charismatic. I felt no loyalty towards any one as they all professed the Jesus Christ was their saviour, and that’s all that mattered to me. But I was still a nerd, still wallowing in a low self esteem and still interested in women. Unfortunately they were not interested in me. Lucky I could still masturbate. That provided temporary relief.

But God was still watching.

And I kept on confessing to mentors, elders, etc. But it didn’t work. I kept praying though. Why the hell wasn’t God answering? Didn’t God want me to stop sinning? I did everything he apparently wanted me to do. I went to church every week without fail, often in the morning and a different church in the evening as well. I did the “quiet time” thing diligently and daily. I went to the weekly bible study, and gave my best and my all. I even went to bible college to try and figure out why God wasn’t freeing me from sin and guilt like the Christians promised he would.

In the end it was to the bible itself I turned. I studied that bible hard, looking for answers. Not just about masturbation but the whole Christian experience. Didn’t find the answers I was looking for, but I did find answers. It’s amazing what you discover when you actually start reading the bible for yourself. There’s so much stuff that the Christians just don’t want you to know that is in that bunch of “holy” books.

The beginning of the end began when I met this girl at University. She wasn’t my girlfriend, but I wanted her to be. She wasn’t a Christian. I tried to convert her to Christianity so I could marry her and fuck her brains out. She knew plenty of people who used to be Christian. These where people whose lives had been fucked up by Christians and Christianity in one way or another. I won’t go into details but they’re all similar to other testimonies posted on this site. These people were more welcoming, more loving, caring and compassionate than any Christian I had ever met.

In the end I just got sick of the overwhelming and unredeemable hypocrisy of Christians and Christianity, and the utter unhelpfulness of God, and the unrelenting and inadequate excuses that Christians would inevitably provide when trying to explain why God wouldn’t fulfil the promises that the Christians made on His behalf.

The most money hungry, abusive bosses I ever worked for were Christians. The most irresponsible and deceptive flatmate I lived with was a Christian. The most judgemental and un-Christlike people I have ever known are Christians. The least compassionate people I know are Christians. Of all my high school friends, the ones who got their girlfriends pregnant first where the Christians. The only female I have ever known personally who has had an abortion was a Christian.

By the way, the last time I saw my father was Christmas Day 2001, after he beat the shit out of me because I dared to interrupt him and tell him to “shut up” whilst he insult and verbally abused my younger and only brother. Somehow I had some sort of premonition of this during the preceding year. And there I was praying, begging, grovelling to God that it wouldn’t happen.

Onya God, you malevolent prick!


Sex: Male
State: Tasmania
Country: Australia
Became a Christian: 20
Ceased being a Christian: 29ish
Labels before: Jehovah's Witness, evangelical, fundametalist, born again
Labels now: agnostic
Why I joined: Was promised freedom from sin and guilt
Why I left: Failed to be freed from sin and guilt