Then the years of a living hell started

Sent in by Mark R

Hello, I'm and ex Christian of 7 years. I'm only 16, which might seem like a piss poor time to "give up", if you will, because I'm so young. But the physical, emotional, and metal abuse i experienced was enough that i never wanted to have anything to do with some carpenter and his godly father ever again.

My story begins with my 3rd grade year of school. I've just been accepted into a boarding school for orphans and underprivileged children called Milton Hershey School. This school, and other events, would be the first i would hear of Christianity. When i was enrolled, the houseparents(a couple that looked over 10 or so kids) took me to the office. They ask me if i knew anything about Jesus and God. Of course, being only 9 years old, i didn't know what they were talking about, so they gave me what i call the "manipulation". They told me the story about Jesus and how he was such a great guy and all that. I was bored out of my mind and they could tell. That is when they slammed the "fire and brimstone eternal damnation" bullshit in my face. I was scared shitless. I didn't want to suffer for an eternity for crap i did during life. So i was saved and my houseparents and i prayed.

Then the years of a living hell started.

After becoming saved, I started on my path of self perfection. The houseparents twisted my mind around their little finger and told what i should do to please God. So i did it. But it wasn't enough. I liked to draw anime and that, to my houseparents, wast evil in the eyes of God. So they punished me and took my drawings away. I still drew and hid my pictures from them. They started to hate for my defiance to God and to them. That was one of the biggest assaults to my mind in my life and showed me how evil Christians can be.

When i entered Jr. High, i left that student home and entered another. They, on the other hand, were more open to my drawings and other stuff i did. I even told, pridefully, that i was a christian. They treated me well and let me do what i wanted. This put into my mind that i was better than others cause i love God.

This all ended, however, when i got heavily into music. Once my houseparents found my ACDC Back in Black CD, the took it and broke it in two. They told me it would poison my mind and make me turn my back on Christ. I didn't listen, of course, because i wasn't going to let them take my music away because of their beliefs.

That is when it dawned on me, right after my growing case of depression and love of heavy metal.

Christianity was the source of all my pain and torments. All my christian friends were fakes and hypocrites and only loved themselves. That's when, when i entered high school, that i would become my own boss.

Now that i look back, I am a lot happier now that I'm on my own. I don't have to worry about some dude coming down and make the world into hell and take all the good ones to heaven and watch us suffer. I also made this conclusion: Christianity is the biggest con in the world. You will get eternal paradise and happiness, after you die and you have no clue what's going to happen. All Christianity is is a "what's behind door #2" type deal. And that is what made me turn my back on the lie. Now, i do what i feel Ike and don't worry about it later. I have no regrets and I'm now i deep love with my beautiful girlfriend. I have true friends who like me for who i am instead of what i believe.

I do believe I can be blessed without being a Christian.

39 comments:

Ryan Scott said...

rock on!

Harlequin said...

It's not the milage, young un, it's the handling...

You take care

Gramps

ComputerGuyCJ said...

One of the things you touched on was music. It's amazing to me how scared of non-Christian music Christians are. I loved alternative and hard rock music during my "rebellious" teenage years, but as I grew into an adult I turned away from it and listened almost exclusively to Christian artists. Funny thing is, turning away from the "bad" music didn't keep me in the "Truth". I was still able to find my way out of the lies.

After listening to secular music as a Christian, I thought it had mysteriously polluted me with hidden messages. Now when I listen to the same music it's obvious that there's no hidden messages. Artists say what's on their mind. You listen and either agree, disagree, or don't care. It's that simple. There's nothing magically "bad" about anyone's music.

twincats said...

Great story, Mark! You are indeed blessed (and not by any magical being.)

Is it wrong that I find xtian "rock" to be magically bad? *shudders*

Nvrgoingbk said...

It isn't just rock music the church is opposed to Mark, it's ALL secular music. I understood as a Christian the problem with certain modern music that promoted sex and violence. Even now as an exchristian, I will turn off sexually explicit music when my children are in the car, but I never got what the big deal was with listening to other music. I had Christian friends who ONLY listened to the Christian stations and only purchased Christian cable networking. It's ridiculous.

My son loved Pokemon, but of course that was sinful too. I paint murals for my children and daycares and I painted a large picture of many of the Pokemon characters on my son's wall, and my ex-inlaws just thought that was terrible.

Cursing was another topic I just couldn't see the importance of. I mean, what difference did it make if I used the word, shit? Do Christians think that God really cares? It didn't matter how kind or generous or honest I was. I was deemed a harlot, a jezebel simply because I would not conform to certain dogmatic beliefs.

I too, was introduced to Protestant Christianity when I was fourteen in a Christian group home and my house parents were complete quacks. I too, was scared into saying the sinner's prayer, but when my house parents gave me a Bible as a gift for my conversion, I opened it and felt like I was reading Russian. It wasn't until I was sixteen that I made the decision on my own to convert and that lasted 16 years. I too, was obsessed with perfection and always trying to win God's love my entire Christian experience.

Like you said, Mark, it's never enough. The more you give up, the more you become aware of what you still need to sacrifice for "god". Christianity seeks to strip a person of his/her individuality. If you possess any talent, it must be used to further the "Kingdom of God", the Church, and fellow Christians. If you like to draw, you must only draw what the Church deems acceptable. If you love to sing, you must sing unto the LAWD. If you play an instrument, you must join the church band or a Christian group. If you write, you must only write Christian material. If you play sports, you have to give GAWD the credit for your success, never mind your hard work and practice. There is nothing for which Christians are allowed to be proud of or they are considered prideful.

You just keep rocking on, and draw whatever the fuck you like. You just keep finding yourself. Good luck on your road to self discovery. It is a life-long journey. You are so lucky to have begun it earlier than most of us. Kudos to you for figuring out what took the rest of us too many damned years to.

freedy said...

The church often claims to be a spiritual hospital that you go to to be healed and saved.

This is bullshit! I spent 20 years being abused and disappointed
by those in both leadership and by church folk.

You are very lucky too come to this revelation so young.

Good Luck and remember,you are not alone.If you ever feel you need help go to a professional,not a doctor of divinity.

Thackerie said...

"I also made this conclusion: Christianity is the biggest con in the world. You will get eternal paradise and happiness, after you die and you have no clue what's going to happen. All Christianity is is a "what's behind door #2" type deal. And that is what made me turn my back on the lie."

Wow! You really nailed it. It's marvelous that you have at such an early age discovered the truth that, sadly, eludes so many people for their entire lives.

I agree that you will indeed be blessed now that you have left the falsehood of christianity. You will be blessed because you now have the power and freedom to create your own blessings.

Telmi said...

Mark,

You are an early bloomer. You have discovered in a few short years what others appeared to have taken decades.

Congrats, Mark. And take care.

Poltergoost said...

Yeah, I use to hear that same Bullshit from some of these ignorant Christians about listening to rock music, and their little holier than thou self-righteous, "We listen to Christian Music only" attitude.

I always thought that most Christian Music was Wimp Music, and these Contemporary Christian Artists are a bunch of Wannabees.

Funny how christians tell us to stay away from secular rock and pop music, but yet contemporary christian music is supposed to sound like the same type of secular music that they criticize.

I'm glad to be away from these idiots also. If I ever get approached by another christian about my music again, I'm going to tell them to mind their own business or I'm going to knock them on their ass.

freethinker05 said...

Damn Mark,great testimony,
.Wished i'd had a brain like yours as a young man. Peace, Roger

whateverlolawants said...

Wow... I'm really happy for you that you figured all of this out so young. I'm 20- not much older than you- but in many ways I feel like I wasted years being Christian. I don't really have big regrets, but it certainly would have been nice to have come to these realizations 4 years ago. :)

I was enraged to read your stories about the things your houseparents did... that is so sad. Not having much knowledge/experience with the foster care/orphanage/etc. "world," I don't know, but it seems like a place that many folks get into just to "do God's work." Anyone have more info/knowledge about this?

Anonymous said...

I understand your pain man but Jesus loves you and he died for you man! Dont give up on Jesus, he will always love you!

stronger now said...

Give up on jebus man. He don't give a crap. He will never give a crap man.

Poltergoost said...

"Anonymous said...

I understand your pain man but Jesus loves you and he died for you man! Dont give up on Jesus, he will always love you!"

Hey Anonymous,

Why don't you get a taste of reality man? Your stupid lame ass co-depedent crutch named "Jesus" didn't do shit for any of us, so why would any of us want to enslave ourselves to that kind of opression again?

I use to hear that same constant manipulative biblical propaganda about "Don't give up on Jesus, he died for you". I heard it over and over again, and things only got worse.

That "Jesus died for you, Jesus loves you, and don't give up on Jesus" argument is so overused and so lame. It's nothing but a bunch of worthless words and they don't mean shit to me.

Christians like you keep using the same old tactics over and over again to defend your lame ass god. Well it isn't going to work with people like us. You are fighting a losing battle pal.

Now since I have rejected Jesus and Christianity I have finally found direction in my life again, and I am having alot more success ever since I left the Christian Cult. So don't tell us not to give up on Jesus.

It is Jesus and his daddy who didn't get the damn job done. It is my own abilities that is finally getting the job done and helping me accomplish my goals in life. Jesus and his daddy didn't do shit.

So you can go ahead along with the rest of your fellow christian cult members and keep living in the fantasy world that you all live in.

I will also tell you that I plan to write a book one day about my own personal experiences dealing with Christianity and how it was a major disappointment along with all of the lies in the bible.

My book will expose the bible and christianity for the lie that it is and I promise it will kill every single argument that you christians have. None of you christians will have any solid ground to stand on to defend your faulty faith once my book comes out. It will expose the christian lie once and for all.

I will also tell you that I was at one time a Bible College Student, so I am very familiar with the same lame tactics that all you christians like to use, and I know how to counteract every single move all of you make.

Being a former "Bible College Student" and a current atheist is what makes people like me the "Perfect Weapon" against the christian church.

I'm not ashamed to say that Christianity and Jesus SUCKS!!!!

Jesus can kiss my ass.

Thackerie said...

Yet another of our anonymous fundie trolls proclaims, "Jesus loves you and he died for you man!"

Bull hockey! If jesus were actually the son of god and also god itself, as christians claim to believe, how could he have possibly have died? Deities are immortal by definition. And if he really spent a couple of days farting around in hell, what's the big deal? That's nothing compared to the eternity of torment that our all-loving god, who loves us unconditionally, has in store for anyone who just can't twist their mind into believing this. Some sacrifice!

I'm responsible for how I live. No one else. Jesus, if such a person ever lived, may have had a few good things to say (none of them all that original), but he didn't do a damn thing for me or anyone else living in 2007.

Epicurienne said...

Mark - rock on! And hang in there - always listen to the voice of reason inside yourself more than you listen to the voices of those who will inevitably try to get you to "come back."

Anonymous - Jesus is dead. How can a non-living being "love" anybody? My grandmother has been dead for 15 years. Does this mean she still "loves" me?

Anonymous said...

Jesus is not dead, he is alive and part of the holy trinity. I will be praying for you guys who have lost faith. Jesus loves you and will always love you. Praise be to Jesus Christ.

.:webmaster:. said...

Allah is God and Mohammad is HIS prophet.

Prove me wrong.

Anonymous said...

I dont believe the other anonymous guy is living in a fantasy world. I'm also a christian albit less fanatical. Some of you guys dont seem to want to praise him and thats seems to be a selfish, self-centered attitude. We are made to worship something and when you dont worship God you will worship drugs, sex, alcohol, self, money, and the list goes on and on. Love for Christ brings us christians purpose and so i'm not sure what atheist live for. Jesus is the savior of this world and someday we will all find out.

Anonymous said...

To thackerie: God allowed Jesus to die because of the sins of this world. Remember Jesus was flesh when he was walking the earth and so he died in his flesh. Now that he is a spirit, he cannot die. He lives!

.:webmaster:. said...

Anonymous #2,

(Why is it that so many of these Christians can't figure out how to click on the "other" button and use a pseudonym? Attempting to respond to various anonymous posters is annoying.)

I am 48 years old and a former Christian who is now an atheist. I don't worship worship drugs, sex, alcohol, self, money, or anything else. I used to worship your GOD with all my heart, mind and soul. Then I realized it was all pretend. I no longer worship anything.

You have blindly accepted some preacher's silly apologetic. And where in the Bible does it say that people will worship a list that goes on and on if they are not Christians?

Big G said...

To anonymous#2:

What makes you think that God is fake? Because you cant see him? Thats most atheist excuse for not worshipping God. Its no secret that there are things we cant fathom in this world that happen to people and we dont see God but what makes you think that the guy is wrong about Jesus. I happen to be a christian and I believe that Jesus did die on the cross for my sins. Prove to me that my religion is fake. You cant prove it, nor am I trying to prove to you that its real I just believe. There has been things in my life that I have been blessed with in the name of Jesus. Regardless of what many of you think, he is real and he is coming back. Adios!

Big G said...

Actually that comment was aimed at webmaster.

.:webmaster:. said...

Yes, yes, and BigFoot is real, too.

And, UFOs are visiting us every night.

It's all pretend, son.

When you graduate high school, come and back and discuss it. Until then, study hard.

Anonymous said...

Hey webmaster:

Where can I find information that proves without a doubt that Jesus is fake. I can't bring myself to believe it.

Anonymous said...

"I happen to be a christian and I believe that Jesus did die on the cross for my sins..."

Who cares what you believe? Why should I believe it? Until you get some real evidence, that's nothing more than a bald assertion. Yuch. I used to be like you. -Wes.

Thackerie said...

One anonymous said: "We are made to worship something and when you dont worship God you will worship drugs, sex, alcohol, self, money, and the list goes on and on. ..."

I'm sorry you feel that way. It must be horrible to have so little self-control and personal integrity that it's only by deluding yourself into believing in mythology that you can restrain yourself from destructive behavior. I guess it's a good thing for the rest of us that weak-minded christians have something to restrain them from expressing their true deviant characters.

I have to say, however, that none of the freethinkers I know have that problem. We can be good, kind, useful people without having the promise of heaven or threat of hell to keep us in line.

Another anonymous (actually, probably the same one as above) said: "God allowed Jesus to die because of the sins of this world. Remember Jesus was flesh when he was walking the earth and so he died in his flesh. Now that he is a spirit, he cannot die. He lives!"

So what? Of course if jesus ever actually lived, he ultimately died. So do we all. (Like I implied, the so-called sacrifice was no big deal.)

As to that matter of whether he is now a living dead man, that's your belief but you've said nothing we haven't heard a million times before - and nothing to convince us that your belief contains any truth or value.

Timothy said...

How can you people not see that instead of just forgiving us. klick-tack sent his only pet dog to earth to save us from an eternal damnation of endless kicks to the groin while Kenny G. plays on a loop FOREVER. Now prove klick-tack isn't real. I don't care if the rules of logic don't work this way, because I know it's true.

Anonymous said...

Well done Mark, I gave up on christainity about the same time as you but had to fake it for a few years more. You seem to have found peace. I hope you can move on now but it's not always easy though. I read recently that chilhood lasts a lifetime and the injustices we face as children never goes away and it's taken until 42 years old to realize that.

When I now hear the xians above telling us how Jebediah or someone loves us, they are just empty words that mean nothing. We don't care about their silly fairtales.

NateDog said...

Hey Mark

The younger you are when you leave christianity the better off you are. My son at age 10 said "Hey Dad I'm not religious", and I told him that I'm not either. Unfortunately, I had to attend Full Gospel Businessmen's International at age 11 (Such bullshit). You are blessed by being a Non-Christian.

Luke said...

Haha I too am ticked off at anonymous Christian writers. Come on, don't be afraid to reveal yourselves like everyone else.

i) Why do people think God is bad?
That's something I'd like to just have established. Something SUBSTANTIAL, rather than, he didn't fix all my problems.

ii) Do people think judgmental fundies are the basis on which we should assess the reality or non-reality, goodness or cruelty, of a God?

.:webmaster:. said...

i) Why do people think God is bad?
That's something I'd like to just have established. Something SUBSTANTIAL, rather than, he didn't fix all my problems.

ii) Do people think judgmental fundies are the basis on which we should assess the reality or non-reality, goodness or cruelty, of a God?


Personally, I don't think your god even exists, because there is no good evidence to support that he does. Without your moldering religious tome, written by ignorant Bronze Age peasants, you'd have no idea that a tribal deity called Yahweh was once worshiped. Without that book, even if archaeologists dug up something about this deity, you certainly wouldn't think it was a real god.

But, to your questions:

Your god is a petty, angry, murderous maniac throughout the Old Testament. And in the new testament he tries to change HIS spots, but fails. By the end of Revelations he is confining every human being who fails to accept the correct version of the approved religion into everlasting and horrific torment. Your god is wicked.

Judgmental fundies had nothing to do with my apostasy. Read more of the testimonials.

Anonymous said...

Hey everybody, I'm a little late on this one, but I must tell the sixteen year old I'm so happy for you. I'm thirty-two, and only left the cult of utter nonsense a year ago. The time that I wasted is gone, and makes me angry, but you have made me feel better because for every young person that wakes up, there is still time for joy and freedom. Like my freedom to listen to Ozzy on Sunday morning in the bible belt. Wish me luck, obviously I could be under a pile of rocks by sundown, love, Clair

boomSLANG said...

Hey Anonymous/Clair,

Good for you, welcome to reality. Stick around---and when/if you sign into blogger, use "Clair".... that way, you are easier to distinguish from the over-flux of ministering "Anonymous" theists passing through.

In reason, Boomslang.

Luke said...

thanks .:webmaster:.

you wrote:
"Your god is a petty, angry, murderous maniac throughout the Old Testament. And in the new testament he tries to change HIS spots, but fails. By the end of Revelations he is confining every human being who fails to accept the correct version of the approved religion into everlasting and horrific torment. Your god is wicked."

From what I've read of the Old Testament, God was there with his people and his acts, words & presence were clear. If this is accurate, his response to people's rejection of him would not be petty, his anger warranted & his 'murder' - that's interesting. Where God 'murdered' anyone who acknowledged him as God I cannot find.

I share though your thoughts that today it is obviously a lot harder to clearly see a deity. Especially with such a rich array of religions and worldviews.

Sometimes I look at nature and have a deep sense of God.

I suppose a spin-off question for me is, how do people who identify as ex-christians look at nature, especially if they once shared this awe of 'creation'?

.:webmaster:. said...

"From what I've read of the Old Testament..."

Perhaps if you'd read all of it you'd have a different opinion. I have, several times.

The god portrayed in the OT murdered at will anyone who was not part his chosen few. He also murdered and destroyed any of HIS who disobeyed him. I'd say that's barbaric behavior, from a god touted to as unconditionally loving.

"Where God 'murdered' anyone who acknowledged him as God I cannot find."

So, if HE murders human beings who do not acknowledge HIM as God, that's okay with you? Are your fellow human being's lives so valuless in your mind that if they don't acknowledge your deity, their murder is acceptable? There a quite a few Islamics out there that would probably agree with your general philosophy, although they acknowledge a slightly different version of your primitive god.

"Sometimes I look at nature and have a deep sense of God."

I look at nature, the stars without number, the myriad of far distant galaxies, and feel a deep sense of awe. However, I don't any longer credit that awe to an ancient, Bronze Age, primitive tribal deity with murder in HIS eyes.

Hopefully that answers your questions.

boomSLANG said...

Luke: Sometimes I look at nature and have a deep sense of God.

I suppose a spin-off question for me is, how do people who identify as ex-christians look at nature, especially if they once shared this awe of 'creation'?


Simple--the same way you "look" at nature---with our eyes. But that's not what you're asking, is it?...no, you're asking, how do we perceive it; what do we infer from it(?)

I can "see" all the beauty that any theist can see in nature. Take a sunset, for example. The difference is, said perspective of our sun---one of billions of other "stars" in our gallaxy, BTW---would still be every bit as awesome if I were not here to see it. The fact that the sun is what it "is", is NOT dependent on my perception of it. In other words, it wasn't "put here" for MY joy---it just "is". BTW, I asked another Theist recently if he thought that the whole universe would be pointless, if humans were not here to perceive it, and never got an answer.

Moving on, take the animal kindom. The "lookist"(the Theist) will single-out only those animals that appeal to their "lookist" mentality--the ones that are kind and cuddly: "See that panda?....awww...it's adorable!..there MUST be a God!"

Okay, how about a panda that was mauled to death by a tiger last week? What about those festering maggots on the carcass? Aren't those "cute", too?

The Theist' premise, of course, is that because the panda is "beautiful", a "God" must be responsible. But who "created" the innate urge for other preditory animals to destroy it? Who created the maggots, the hyennas, and the buzzards who pick the "beautiful" panda's bones clean?

The point is, "nature" is nature. It is the "lookist" who comes along and subjectively picks through "nature", finds ONLY the things that appeal to their senses; only the things that give them comfort, and then deduce that a "SUPER"-natural being MUST be responsible for "nature".

'Pretty obvious how that "deduction" is flawed.

eel_shepherd said...

An anonymouse wrote:
"...Love for Christ brings us christians purpose and so i'm not sure what atheist[s] live for..."

We live for not being dead.

Actually, I don't even understand your question/statement. What form does your "living for" something take? When you're not actually thinking about/talking about Jesus & Co., what does your "living for" look like? Do you zip up your fly for Jesus? Trim the hedge for Jesus? Pay your phone bill for Jesus? Besides trudging off to the temple every so often to hear nearly pointless sermons on nearly pointless fables and singing bad melodies with simplistic lyrics, etc, how do the actions that make up your day stand out against the actions that make up the day of a guy like me? Are you more generous to charities that do real things for real people? Do you try to keep the letters from touching the edges of the boxes when you do the crossword puzzle? How is your life in any material way different from this person or that person that I could single out for you?

Your _thoughts_ are your thoughts; they fill up your head and they fill up the hours and days of your life, and, except to yourself, they don't signify a thing if they don't make some difference somewhere. Just another Walter Mitty. Another lamprey on another Big Sanity Fish.

eel_shepherd said...

Luke pseudo-asked:
"...i) Why do people think God is bad?
That's something I'd like to just have established..."

Nobody thinks your god is bad. There are no gods.

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