From Pastor's wife to Atheist
sent in by Michelle
Even as a child, I remember sitting in the pew thinking, "no thinking person would believe this stuff". As a pastor's wife, I was embarrassed to think that other's wouldn't believe the shit that I did. I pushed those thoughts down deep, because I really thought my life depended on my willingness not to think. Now I look back and see I was transferring my own disbelief onto others.
Anyway, my story is much like many of you. So, I won't go into details too much. I was raised in a minister's home in the south and taught from birth fundamental evangelical hell-fire and brimstone. I was so burdened with hell...for my friends and family members...and for myself...I was never quite good enough and went to sleep at night afraid of hell. I remember my sister at age 4 or 5 asking me to pray with her because she was afraid of going to hell. Anyway, I went to a christian college, married a christian man and we went into ministry for 10 years.
I began questioning right after leaving home, but never questioned far enough out of christianity until I found the courage to do so after my grandfather died. I have never stopped questioning anything sense and look forward to the day when I can just be present and not question everything anymore.
NOW...can you please help me through some issues I am having?
My family...all my family are fundamental christians. Not only do I have to deal with this when I see them, but my father molested me as a teenager and I reported him a few years ago...he lost his credentials and I have lost closeness with my siblings because of it.
I want to let my family go completely so I can move on. I live in Michigan and don't see them very often, but when I do visit, it seems it takes me months to find my equilibrium again. I don't take care of myself...I kind of go into a depression...Every time, I think "this time will be different"...but he guilt of letting them down...being different...the whole experience when I am with them leaves me in knots.
They say they love me and will pray for me. I'd rather just not see them anymore.
But, I don't want to hurt them. I know they love me as much as they know how to...and I don't want to cause them more pain...more hell than they already experience.
Have any of you had to distance yourself from family, and can it be done without losing yourself after leaving a cult that your family is still in?
I really want to move past this. Any suggestions?
Portage
MI
USA
How old were you when you became a christian? 7
How old were you when you ceased being a christian? Evangelical Christian -32, Agnostic New Age Christian 6 months
What churches or organizations or labels have applied to you? From Fundamental Evangelical in the South, to New Thought churches in the midwest after 30 years old.
What labels, if any, would you apply to yourself now? Atheist
Why did you become a christian? FEAR for self and pity for jesus
Why did you de-convert? seeking, it wasn't working, and education
email: chellebelle69 AT gmail DOT com
Even as a child, I remember sitting in the pew thinking, "no thinking person would believe this stuff". As a pastor's wife, I was embarrassed to think that other's wouldn't believe the shit that I did. I pushed those thoughts down deep, because I really thought my life depended on my willingness not to think. Now I look back and see I was transferring my own disbelief onto others.
Anyway, my story is much like many of you. So, I won't go into details too much. I was raised in a minister's home in the south and taught from birth fundamental evangelical hell-fire and brimstone. I was so burdened with hell...for my friends and family members...and for myself...I was never quite good enough and went to sleep at night afraid of hell. I remember my sister at age 4 or 5 asking me to pray with her because she was afraid of going to hell. Anyway, I went to a christian college, married a christian man and we went into ministry for 10 years.
I began questioning right after leaving home, but never questioned far enough out of christianity until I found the courage to do so after my grandfather died. I have never stopped questioning anything sense and look forward to the day when I can just be present and not question everything anymore.
NOW...can you please help me through some issues I am having?
My family...all my family are fundamental christians. Not only do I have to deal with this when I see them, but my father molested me as a teenager and I reported him a few years ago...he lost his credentials and I have lost closeness with my siblings because of it.
I want to let my family go completely so I can move on. I live in Michigan and don't see them very often, but when I do visit, it seems it takes me months to find my equilibrium again. I don't take care of myself...I kind of go into a depression...Every time, I think "this time will be different"...but he guilt of letting them down...being different...the whole experience when I am with them leaves me in knots.
They say they love me and will pray for me. I'd rather just not see them anymore.
But, I don't want to hurt them. I know they love me as much as they know how to...and I don't want to cause them more pain...more hell than they already experience.
Have any of you had to distance yourself from family, and can it be done without losing yourself after leaving a cult that your family is still in?
I really want to move past this. Any suggestions?
Portage
MI
USA
How old were you when you became a christian? 7
How old were you when you ceased being a christian? Evangelical Christian -32, Agnostic New Age Christian 6 months
What churches or organizations or labels have applied to you? From Fundamental Evangelical in the South, to New Thought churches in the midwest after 30 years old.
What labels, if any, would you apply to yourself now? Atheist
Why did you become a christian? FEAR for self and pity for jesus
Why did you de-convert? seeking, it wasn't working, and education
email: chellebelle69 AT gmail DOT com
Comments
This will advise you, answer many of the questions you have, and show you that you are not alone. But you know that, you came here.
For years you've lived a certain way, been identified as a certain entity, and even identified yourself as part of it with reservations. To most people you are now "other", and even worse, you were a preachers wife! You were suposed to have been the next thing to Virgin Mary and a pack horse, and you weren't. Nope, you were a human, and a damn smart one, and that's a let down for the faithful. I've been stationed a long time in the South, believe me, I know.
I can only say, Shakespeare said it best: be true to yourself. Be kind, be thoughtful, remember, you're not alone. It will take a bit, but you'll come through it.
My best advice is be who you really are. Only you can make you happy. Distance is a good thing.
Personally, I love that we now live 2 days drive away. She won't drag her but out of that little midwestern town to bother me. I don't call her anymore. If my husband wants to talk to her, he knows where the phone is. (you should've heard her when she found out I was Wiccan! roflmao!! but I'm an atheist now, I think that's worse in her eyes!)
We're here for you. Vent if you need!
For some reason they think they've been handed a license to judge everyone else BUT themselves, they'll quickly cast you into Hell, but they are the pure one's.
I find it so hard to believe that grown adults act like such immature brats, like they believe xtianty is true and god is working through them.
Once you've allowed yourself to see through the bullshit and nonsense, pretty much all communication with them is lost, you can sit around and talk about trivial things, but they are sitting there judging you through their teeth, and they are judging everybody in the community but themselves.
You'll soon learn that the only real friends you have are are people like us, (non-believers) because we're all experiencing the very same things as you.
Christians revel in the idea of hell, so they can judge people not like them and cast people to their imaginary hell.
It appears that we are moving backwards in our intelligence, by allowing those hate mongers to keep preaching their self-righteous drugs.
Thats all xtainity is, a psychotic drug, for the people that are afraid of the truth and to grow up mentally.
Remember you'll always have friends here, besides christians cannot be trusted, as you already well know, because they are perpetual liars.
They prefer to believe a lie over the truth.
Best wishes for you, but you cannot trust those brainwashed christains. You can never bring them around to the truth, they are loony.
The author of "Leaving The Fold" is Edward T. Babinski. Another excellent resource for you.
As far as suggestions for how to make your life and contact with your family better, that's a tough one. It sounds like there is still anger and resentment from your siblings about what happened with your father. Even if they believe you, they may not want to openly acknowledge that what you did was the right thing, or worse, they may feel that you shouldn't have upset the "balance" by reporting him. As you know, abuse of the kind you suffered needs to be brought out in the open, both personally, and legally if you are ever to follow a path of healing.
Revealing your loss of faith is another thing that you need to get out in the open. As you said in your post, you really want to move past this and to some degree "coming out" will take loads of stress off of you and will allow you to move to "living in the now." If you were still one of the faithful, you probably wouldn't dream of hiding your faith, why hide your present feelings? YOU need to move to where you want to be, they may or may not follow you there, but it is your life and you have but one, live it!
Welcome. I hope you find some things on this site to help you in your journey. I'll know you'll find plenty of smart, understanding people.
Just to add to Infidel's comment: Dan Barker is the co-founder of the Freedom from Religion Foundation. They have a website at www.ffrf.org
But, I don't want to hurt them. I know they love me as much as they know how to...and I don't want to cause them more pain...more hell than they already experience.
Lorena says:
Well, Michelle. We cannot really love anyone if we don't love ourselves.
Everytime I talk to my relatives, I go into a depression and become suicidal. So I decided I wasn't going to contact them anymore--I love myself enough not to do it.
In my case, they hate me because they know I am in therapy for the abuse I suffered at home. They want me to deny everything and say I was a happy child. Since I won't deny it, they consider me a bad, really bad person.
My relatives aren't worthy of my time or my suffering. I miss them a little but the pain is several orders or magnitude lower that the pain they cause me. So staying away works for me.
Do they love me? I don't know and I don't care. I know for sure they don't know how to love and that's enough for me. Life is hard enough as it is to be worrying for how other people feel.
I have had little contact with them for 4 years, and I have no plans to see them again. I am just happier that way. I let them worry for their own happiness and I worry for my own.
The "sacrificing" myself for others is a christian belief I dished together with the church. I may go out of my way to help the hungry or the homeless, but not a bunch of idiots that cause me pain.
That's my story.
You need to tell yourself that you didn't do anything wrong and you are not to blame!!!!!!!!! As a matter of fact you did what you should have done.
Nobody needs people like that in their life.
It sounds like your siblings are selfish and putting you on a guilt trip.
I would suggest as another poster said, go into the forums.
P.S Welcome
You're story really hit close to hom for me. I understand all about the toxic family thing. It's hard, isn't it? You don't feel good around them, they do things that hurt you, but at the same time you wonder if you're being selfish because you HAVE had some good times in the past. And on top of that you still love them no matter what.
I know what it's like to be the "paisley sheep." My family has their black sheep in the herd, but then there is ME. They've managed to estrange themselves from me, and I had to estrange myself from the last member that bothers to talk to me. For a long time, I walked around in a sort of surreal state like walking wounded because I was missing a huge chunk of my life. There is a reason family betrayal is one of society's greatest taboos.
But I eventually learned that an important part of life is going out and creating your own family. I talked to my friends about my situation and got closer to them as a result. They were there for me when I really, really needed them. I consider them my family now. Plus I never realized how FUN the Holidays could be until I started spending it with them! And no, very few of them are christians.
If you can afford it, I really suggest therapy. Estranging yourself completely from a toxic family is a really big issue. If not therapy, talk to some close friends about what you are going through. Right now, you really need some human compassion in your life to heal, so please don't shut yourself off.
It'll hurt for a while, but you'll feel better in the long run. There are a lot of great people in this world that are on your level that deserve you more than the people you grew up with did.
You said "but my father molested me as a teenager and I reported him a few years ago...he lost his credentials and I have lost closeness with my siblings because of it." It is unclear that if your father did wrong doing, why you were estranged from your siblings. I am sorry again for this stupid question. If you do not want, it's ok you do not answer to this question.
the very next line in her testimony says...My father molested me. !!! What part of "wrong doing" do you not understand? Is this at ANY time NOT wrong doing? "consensual relationship with a father?"
" the very next line in her testimony says...My father molested me. !!! What part of "wrong doing" do you not understand? Is this at ANY time NOT wrong doing? "consensual relationship with a father?" "
I believe the question was more along the lines of "Considering that your father did such wrong-doing, why did it alienate you from your siblings?" It didn't seem like Anonymous was calling the molestation's rightness or wrongness into question, rather asking why the division between the siblings occured
" the very next line in her testimony says...My father molested me. !!! What part of "wrong doing" do you not understand? Is this at ANY time NOT wrong doing? "consensual relationship with a father?" "
I believe the question was more along the lines of "Considering that your father did such wrong-doing, why did it alienate you from your siblings?" It didn't seem like Anonymous was calling the molestation's rightness or wrongness into question, rather asking why the division between the siblings occured. *shrugs*
You were the one who was let down.
However you think they feel, you have at least as much right to feel that way yourself.
However, you've picked yourself up, despite it all.
That's something to be proud of, not apologetic.
At least they've got each other for comfort.
You don't deserve to be isolated or resented. If that's the way they're going to treat you then who needs them?
I know it's more complicated, and painful, than that, but I think that's still what it all comes down to.
Anyway, I know there's people here who can be more of a help (as has already been happening), so welcome...
You see, he had a personal tradgedy when he was a minister.
A woman he worked with seduced him.
Although married, he had an affair with her...according to his book...but she accused him of rape when he got tired of it and wanted to call it off.
The tramp! And she was an ex stripper.
How could GOD have tempted the poor man with an ex stripper (probably a D cup, too!).
How cruel.
How could the poor man resist an ex stipper.
But his wife did forgive him, and he says she was a very loving woman.
But Loftus left her anyway, because he was "not happy" and left the faith.
He is now an atheist.
And, as he describes it, the affait with the stripper started his downhill spiral.
And by the way, it was all her fault!!!
Can't stand to have Loftus's story brought up here?
You are in christianity, and are an asshole, so I'd think you'd be a little more cautious about bringing up such arguments
Hang in there ,...stick around and continue to help others in your situation !
Three words.
Increase your medication.
It may help to explore your hobbies and interests and even develop new ones. If you make new friends in a new club, or take up a new sport, you will find that there is a whole world out there of people who are not religious nuts like the majority of the people who you lived with for so long.
There are many who feel that religion is a private matter and treat others with respect and never try to convert them.
I feel for you, being subjected to such pressure, because the most recent job I had (before the June layoffs) was at a Federal government office filled with fundamentalist wackjobs who were proud of their bigotry. It really made working there stressful at times. I was the odd Buddhist and, believe me, every one of the fundies scorned my religion. Fortunately, this was the only place I have ever worked that was like that. I have told myself that things will get better, and I will find a job where I won't have to deal with that again. Just as surely as things will be better for me, they will get better for you too.
If you are still married, and if you have your own children, I strongly suggest you focus your energy on them.
I have done this with respect to extended family, but it came naturally for me, and I think it really helps to minimize "toxicity". The less you care about their bitterness towards you, the better. And I echo the sentiment that therapy would be great.
I'm very sorry your father abused you. They should've put the bastard in jail.