Sent in by Bryce
After a couple of weeks of browsing this site and after agonizing over this issue on and off for the last few years, with the most recent being the last couple of months, I've decided to accept the fact that I'm not a Christian.
I grew up in more or less a religious family overall. In my immediate family my mom was religious and my dad wasn't and this would sometimes cause an issue when mom wanted to take me to church and my dad didn't agree with her forcing me to go.
Anyways, eventually my parents split, and I stayed with my mom. They got back together for a while, and my dad did started getting into church and all, but it didn't last and they finally split for good. Being that I lived with my mom and had minimal contact with dad, coupled with the fact that my mom was absolutely devastated by the break up, she became EXTREMELY devout with her faith and believed that the reason my dad left/cheated was b/c "God was removing the very thing in her life that she continued to choose over Him." As a result, I spent a very large chunk of my time involved in church/church related activities (I grew up in a predominately African American Baptist Church in Miami).
During the teenage years when this was all going on, I'd say that I was pretty into the whole Christian belief, mostly b/c I didn't know anything else and a very large part of my social life was centered around it. Eventually I went away to college and still went to church and tried to live like a good Christian and would actually feel guilty for 'sexual immorality' with my girlfriend or drinking too much, which I didn't do much of unfortunately in retrospect. My girlfriend at the time was a Christian so it was a little easier to live that way. Fast forward a couple of years: my mother came down with breast cancer and after 2-3 years of suffering, died of it.
Now here I am 22 years old, just out of college, and my mom, the most unwavering symbol of faith that I've ever known, was not only taken from earth at 49 years old but had to suffer for 2-3 years before losing her life. Now of course I'd hear my fair share of "She's in heaven with the Lord" or "Don't question god, HE doesn't make mistakes," blah blah blah... I'd agree outwardly, but inside I'd say to myself, "No, fuck that, God has to give me some damn answers now!!" I felt that, yes, I should absolutely question this so-called perfect god that would do this to the most devout and faithful.
Well, I moved away from home a few months after mom died and traveled with my job for a few years, but still tried to have faith. But as time went on, I'd come up with more questions than answers, and then it dawned on me that it totally goes against my innate makeup to accept something blindly without question. I mean if this so called Judeo-Christian version of god is so perfect, then why would HE create man with frontal lobes, and then expect man to not rationally question things that don't make sense??? THAT doesn't make sense. That's what I'd tell myself, but by then I was so deeply indoctrinated with years of Christian dogma that I don't think that I knew which way was up. So, I backslid for a while and just didn't think about religion. I ignored it.
Then, last year, I met a girl here in the city where I now live and after a couple dates, found out that she was Christian. Now at this point I had started to toy with the idea that I needed to deal with my issues regarding belief, one way or the other. When I met this girl, I thought, hey, maybe "God" put her here b/c this Christian thing is what I'm supposed to be doing, and I was just being a brat and being mad at God about my mom dying, etc.
Well, she and I would go to church and share ideas, etc., but the more I'd go to church this time around, the more disgusted I'd get by what I heard: gay bashing, anti-abortion, you're going to hell if you don't believe this, that or the other. I was like, "I don't agree with this shit." But by this point, I've started actively thinking about my beliefs and the more I'd think, the more silly I'd feel. I mean, some hippie Jewish guy that was allegedly around a couple thousand years ago was supposedly executed... I guess I could buy that... but, he ascended to some unknown realm in the sky... are you serious... have I really admitted to believing this shit my whole life??!! It's like Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy that never goes away!!!
So at this point I really started reading a lot and browsing this forum and figuring out how this eminent de-conversion is going to change my life. I mean, I loved this girl, but I was pretty sure that she wouldn't take the idea of me not being Christian very well.
Well, two nights ago I sat her down and told her, and if I was a betting man I'd say that I'd hit the jackpot. She cried and she looked at me like I was crazy, like my head was about to explode.
She said, "So I guess that's it, huh?"
I then said, "What are you talking about?"
She said that we shouldn't be together b/c of my beliefs or lack thereof. Then, in almost a double take, asked me, "So you really don't believe that Jesus died on the cross for our sins?"
She asked me that as if to say, "What the hell is wrong with you? Everyone knows that Jesus died for our sins and that everyone that believes that is going to heaven, and if you don't, you're going to hell."
She didn't say all of that of course but thats the kind of look I got. She might as well have said, "Everyone knows that 2+2+25, what the hell is wrong with you?" ... lol.
I'm being sarcastic about it b/c I'm sad, and that's how I'm dealing. It's hard to hear someone that you love say to you that they love you, but they can't be with you b/c you don't believe that some 2000-year-old guy that said he is God actually IS god.
That's just bonkers.
I guess 2000 years from now there will be people worshiping David Koresh or Yahweh ben Yahweh simply b/c when they were here on earth they convincingly told a bunch of people that they are God.
Anyway, I know that my wounds will heal and that at the end of the day I have gained more than I've lost (gained freedom from crazy beliefs at the expense of losing my love).
Sorry about the long post but this has been brewing for a while and I had to share. Thanks for reading, and I look forward to exchanging ideas with you all very soon.
This has been my official de-coversion testimony.
Peace to everyone!!!!!