The Phoenix Rises from the Ashes...with Wisdom

sent in by Gary

I was a "born again" believer, being "saved by the blood of Jesus" during Bible School in the summer between the eighth grade and my first year of high school. I loved the Lord and being in church, singing His songs and heart was His throne. I read the Bible every day, and believed every word of it from cover to cover. I wasn't a Bible thumper but would share my beliefs and things I'd learned and read with anyone who was interested. The main reason I got saved was because I didn't want to go to hell, I mean after all who would want to go to someplace as awfull as that?!

As I grew older much of it didn't make sense, but I followed it anyway because I felt bad if I didn't, and after all there was that "Hell" thing if I slipped up. Mine was an average Christian lifestyle, filled with the Holy Spirit, speaking in tongues, etc. I hadn't really done anything to warrant going to Hell, no crimes, no major "sin", but was "saved" anyway...just in case.

Then one summer my second wife and I were moving into a new house, and selling the old one required my cutting down an old tree off the property. I was taking the week off work for the move and it was hot. Dealing with the tree caused me some wicked heat exhaustion and had to go to the ER. I'd never been so sick in my entire life. During the ambulance ride I was constantly asking the paramedics to "help me" in a weak and croaking voice. I could hear them laughing softly and talking among themselves about me. So I turned inward to the one source I'd always counted Savior.

Nothing happened. Flat nothing. Where was this one who was "with me always"? He'd been there for me during some major things in my life, but it seems the phone line to Heaven wasn't "busy", it was like someone had picked up the reciever and was just breathing on the other end. To me that was worse than not even answering.

After I got situated in the ER and was coming out of it, those same paramedics passed by the curtain and one of them croaked "heelllpp meee" and began laughing. That was the turning point for me as a Christian. It started me thinking. Because of my experience there I started living by a new unbreakable rule for myself: if someone isn't there for you when you need them, you don't need them any other time. Think about it. Why would you?

It also caused me to examine the whole Christian thing. If you remove the "faith" element from the equation the entire thing falls apart. I saw the reason Christians are required to have "childlike" faith is because it's quite easy to fool a child. Besides, what was I guilty of to deserve Hell? The simple act of being born.

A few years ago on a night of a beautiful full moon I was standing by the lake and just relaxing in the wonderfulness of nature. I was thinking how great it would be if God was actually a female and loved us the way our mother does. I'd heard we get our concept/identification of God from our fathers and I knew then I was in trouble since I'd always lived in fear of my dad who had a terrible temper. So why couldn't God be female instead? That's when I met the Goddess. I became involved in Wicca and understood the God/Goddess thing; the male part being over masculine aspect things like construction, commerce, war, etc. and the feminine part over things like love, art, beauty, life, creativity, etc. and for a while I was okay with everything.

But in probably only a year or so I saw Wicca was weak and lacking. And as an (ex)Christian I couldn't truly believe in the Goddess any longer; not in my heart of hearts's REALLY hard to root out a lifetime of Bible teaching. Man, is it ever hard.

Soooo....that brings us to my "new" birth. One of the Fallen. I have been a practising warlock and Satanist for some time now and have discovered the true power. This conversion was actually pretty easy and comfortable for me as I've always been drawn to the darker side of things. People find it jaw-dropping when they learn this of me, living in the buckle of the Bible belt. No one ever converts backwards. :) They say I "wasn't truly saved to begin with." My reply is "I've gone down that road as far as it goes and there's nothing on it for me." Or I'll hear, "Don't you believe in God?" And I say, "oh yes, more than you do, but believing and following aren't the same thing, besides I hate the fucker."

Sharing some of my thoughts with you the reader here:

I do not believe in censorship of any kind, and support peoples right to express themselves. While I may or may not agree with someone, I will defend to the death their right to express it, whether it be written or artistic in nature. Creativity is one of the things we humans should revel in.

I am against proselytizing by any religious or political group, especially if the two are combined. I believe every individual has the right and responsibility to choose his or her own path, and must accept the consequences of their actions.

You gotta wonder how many times a person "must be born again" before he/she starts growing up and assumes at least some responsibilty for his or her life.

Every belief system has something to offer.

Teach tolerance...embrace the similarities, respect the differences.

Since time is irreplacable, it is the greatest gift you can give someone.

Living well really is the best revenge.

Joined: 5
Left: aprox. 35
Was: Baptist
Now: warlock, Satanist
Converted because: Didn't want to go to Hell
De-converted for various reasons
email: mylife666 at aol dot com

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