I just could not believe anymore lies

sent in by South2003M

It all started when I was 19. I had just came back from basic training with the Army. I started college (Hunter College, NY) in the Spring of 1987. There, I met my college boyfriend who had another friend. We loved weight lifting and competing in the Body Beautiful club. Suddenly, this friend started changing. He was withdrawn, very emotionless about the sport. He took us to his house one day along with a few others to meet him "preacher" father who led us thru the "sinners prayer". Do I need to go further. I just created my hell if there is one! Anyway, off we go to church. My then boyfriend broke up with me because he was led by god to date this other chick who herself got "saved" We all went to church together. Then my cousin came from the Island to live in the US. She also was a fanatic (still is but crazy..Literally). I went to church with her (Apostolic-Born Again, Jesus Only) and got swindled in. I swear, you would have thought they put a spell on me. I fell for it hook line and sinker. That's where I met my son's father. After 2 years with him I became pregnant and when he found out he disappeared. Of course the church turned their backs I was condemned. That's when my molestation from earlier years triggered. I left the church for about 1yr. And went back from guilt thinking god was punishing me for my sin of fornication and I need to get right with him so he can bless. I met another "brother" became pregnant again! This time I was forced to marry him. Another punishment from god. At least I was convinced. The marriage didn't last but for a couple of months. He became verbally abusive so I put him out. Now I have two children and absolutely no support. Both disappeared and once again this my punishment. No matter how much I prayed and asked this god for help, feed my children, they have no milk, pampers, I need better housing but, he didn't.. I even said the magic words.."say it and claim it" repeat god's word back to him and he has to honor it...bunch of lying shit! How many nights I stayed up crying until my eyes were swollen shut...could someone had told me he's not real.

To make a long story short I stayed out of the church for many years after that. I moved to the South (the bible belt...Billy Graham State) and thought that it was the thing to do in the South..Go to Church! Yeah, did that for 3 moths and got sick to my stomach...I had questions. How could a god who was suppose to protect me allowed two men to molest me from the ages of 8-15. How could he allowed me and my children to suffer so much. Would it had been better if I took a knife and stabbed those dirty bastards in their hearts? Would it had been better to abort my fetus? NO..According the this bible..Those are sins. So what happen to me was what? An innocent 8 yr old constantly being fondled was that not a sin. Men leaving their offspring to fend for themselves was that not a sin?
I came to the conclusion this god is a bunch of BC either he was have a good time watching or he was on the other side of the globe.

I am still waiting for god to strike me dead. Every now and then, I get a bit fearful. MY heart would skip a beat, but I realized it was all those years of brain washing that caused me to be anxious about nothing. Now at the age of 37...Thanks to me! (with emphasis), I took my own destiny back. Everyday I feel vindicated...Yep revenge is mine says me.

Sex: Female
City: Charlotte
State: NC
Country: USA
Became a Christian: 19
Ceased being a Christian: 37
Labels before: Pentecostal, Baptist, Born Again, Jesus Only, Apostolic
Labels now: Free to live and think.....
Why I joined: Because I was told that I will go to hell. This was the way the truth and the light. Nothing that I accomplish hear on Earth matters and so forth..
Why I left: After looking at my life from 19-37 I realized that nothing has change until I started thinking for myself!
Email Address: South2003M at peoplepc dot com

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