I'm no longer stuck waiting on a god

Sent in by Deborah

I first want to say that I never imagined myself writing on some secular website a story about me not not believing in God anymore. This past year has been hard, but it has also been the most crucial year for shaping the person that I am going to be and am becoming.

I started out the good little Christian girl in a big loving family of seven. I grew up safe and secure in the thought of my family always being there for me and God always at the head of our home. I was also very sheltered and always tried to abide by the rules of my parents who were always in line with "God's rules". I basically rode along taking what my parents and the church we were attending told me about truth. I was home schooled from 3rd grade to 7th and then I was sent to a private Christian school. Bible class was requirement and praise and worship times were held every week.I had times when I felt like I was "backsliding" (a term used to describe someone who was saved and decided to sin and was then in danger of hell) but I constantly tried to rededicate myself to God and try and be in relationship with him.

I was married within one year out of high school. We meet in church and we prayed and felt God led us together. We also got pregnant right away not what we wanted but it caused me to grow up pretty quickly. My husband and I had a really hard first year with the coming of our son and not being happy with our church or our financial situation. When times were at there worst he was pulling further and further away from church and God and I was constantly trying to pull him back. I kept thinking if I was good example and kept going to church and praying he would come around again. He then started having some serious doubts about Christianity in general and he kept bringing up questions that I was trying to answer.

He eventually stopped going to church altogether and his questions and doubts grew, and so did my worry. I was praying for him all the time and I spent my time with family and friends crying and finding comfort with them telling me to hang on that God would answer my prayers and we would be the Christian family I always dreamed of. I stopped trying to convince him about the truth of the Christian faith and left it with God. Instead of getting angry when he was questioning the credibility of God and religion I just listened and tried to give a soft answer and really try and open my mind to his doubts.

One day in particular he was reading a website called "God is Imaginary" with 50 simple proofs. When he would read a proof that really couldn't be disputed he would read it out loud to me and I would try and make sense of it. I would say almost instantly that day when he read one talking about prayer it really got me thinking and all the doubts started flooding into my mind as well. The site also gave common answers Christians would use to try and argue back at the question and I realized they never really answered the question it sorta danced around it a way to make it seem right.

For weeks after that day I spent any free time searching the web and studying the history of the Bible and listening to the arguments of atheists and non-believers, all the while trying to remain in church and hang on to this idea of a loving God who would bring us out of this doubt. But the more I attended church, the worse it got for me. I would almost laugh in my head at some of things the preacher was saying and realized his facts were not straight.

The number one doubt was this idea of the will of God. If I pray for something the Bible says whatever I ask I shall receive with just having faith that it will be given to me. But we all know we don't get everything we ask in prayer so this idea of it having to be "God's will" to receive an answer to prayer isn't matching up to what the Bible said. So that meant to me the church was making some of this stuff up. And not only that the Bible was starting to sound just as ridiculous. It was filled with contradictions and crazy stories especially the Old Testament that I just couldn't ignore anymore. It was starting to become more and more clear that the god of the Christians was a delusion and not only that but every god if put under rational thought is made up.

My husband and I started agreeing and the fighting stopped and I stopped going to church. And then the families of both sides found out and the attacks began. But I have to admit it is amusing being on the other side of the fence and seeing them struggle to come back with real answers. We still remain on good terms with our families, but there is still a level of awkwardness, and at times tension between us. They think they are safe and secure in their faith. But they spend so much of their time in fear of what the this big, powerful God is going to do next in there life.

It's amazing to me now how much things don't scare me anymore. You know Christians say they don't fear death or they don't fear what will happen to them tomorrow, because they think God will protect them. But all the Christians I know are some of the most anxious fearful people. I only wish they could let go of the delusions and realize that God really is imaginary and let go of the fear that is created from his delusion.

I now am happy and secure in knowing that I have to make the best of this life because it's all I got. And that me and only me determines what will happen tomorrow. It's up to me to be happy and to make a difference in other people's lives. I'm no longer stuck waiting on a god to give me all the answers when all along I had the answers within me!