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6/4/05                                                                                       View Comments

Christian Love

sent in by chris

The background:

I have a friend who is, well, a fundy. I mean a fundy to the core. A biblical literalist, who is elderly, uneducated, and who believes in the whole deal. She spends untold hours of her life on her imaginary friend. She goes to church, she signs up to volunteer for every possible function to serve him, she gets up at 5:30 every morning to meditate and pray to him, she plays only worship music in her car and in her home. She thinks about him, talks to him, thanks him, and does his work all of her waking hours. She has felt his hands on her face, heard his voice, written down things he has said to her, gotten all kinds of revelations and answered prayers from him, and felt his presence.

She has battled the enemy in her own life and in the lives of others. She has people who are completely dependent upon her to pray for them, because she is a prayer warrier. Everything outside of her protective refuge is satanic and utterly evil. She will not have the likes of Bewitched on her TV set as it is satanic. It is her job while on this earth to pray for all people to be saved, because they are in danger of going to hell. She will not accept that anyone in her family refuse jesus, and she has spent years getting them all saved, with the exception of one granddaughter, whom she *knows* will become saved some day. She fears hell, not for herself, of course, because she has no doubts of her eternal place in heaven, but for all the poor lost souls who haven't accepted and subscribed to her belief system. She has seen little demons running around. She married a man she didn't love because jesus told her to. Once, while meditating, she began to speak in Chinese. Well, she said it sounded more like Chinese than Japanese to her, but it was definitely an oriental language. (Like she would honestly know) Another time her left arm started moving and jerking all by itself. This, she said, was the lord telling her that he was tucking her under his wing. She wasn't always like this. She used to be human.

I never knew her when she wasn't saved, but I knew her before she lost her mind. I've known her since I was a kid. She has been like a mother to me for all this time. In fact, I have really always considered her as my mother, since my own mother was never speaking to me (another story having nothing to do with xtianity). We have always been extremely close. I guess you could say she was my mentor.

But, about three years ago, I began to question my beliefs. Things became very strained between my friend and I. We were having some problems about some other things, and I began to see the way that xtianity made her think. I began to see the narrow-mindedness, and the judgement, and the intolerance. I wondered if the xtian perspective was in reality the best road to take. So I began my research...

The present:

Meanwhile, the friendship deteriorated. Last August, she told me that god told her not to speak to me any longer. She felt that she was "in the way" of his work, and that she was going to get out of the way so he could work with me and bring me back. At that point I had already left xtianity, but was not quite an atheist. I was devastated. It was like she had died. I love this woman so much that it makes me cry every time I think about it. I couldn't imagine not having her to talk to, and worse than that, not knowing if she was ok.

I continued my research, and found this site. It was such a relief to be able to talk to others and not be rebuked. It was a very dark time in my life, and the others on this site have helped me to get through it. I finally gave up the god idea, and now I know that there is nothing supernatural about life. The flood of relief I felt was greater than the biblical account of noah's flood. But I was still troubled by this relationship and to this day, I am not at peace with it.

It was so much work to purposely not call her. We have always had this little mental thing, where we could sometimes tell if something was wrong with the other. I kept getting that feeling, and after about a month, I couldn't take it anymore, so I broke down and made an illegal phone call. Turns out she had fallen and broken her arm, had surgery, and it wasn't healing right. She was in a lot of pain and her life was turned upside down. Again, I was devastated, because I hadn't been there, but more than that, I was ANGRY. Angry at her for not allowing me to be there for her.

We have since been trying to talk. But basically she has said to me that I am satanic, and evil, and that she is on god's side, and that those two cannot be in harmony. She said that she cannot be associated with satanic things. She loves me so much that she is making a sacrifice and is stepping out of the way so that god can make me get saved. However, she doesn't think that god is being as drastic this time, and that she has permission to speak to me (maybe she is realizing how much damage that her little separation idea really caused, since during it I became an Atheist). She doesn't think that she must ignore me, but we can never be close. She said there is never going to be any kind of a "togetherness" because I am now extremely the opposite of her.

She said, "If you didn't deny god and the holy spirit and jesus, then there could be some relationship, but when you deny that completely, those two worlds cannot be together." (meaning that there could be *some* relationship if I was merely not born-again. To be not born-again, you still have to believe in the existence of god and the holy spirit and jesus, but not transformed as she is)

She is destroying a human relationship with someone whom she said was another daughter to her because of "incorrect" beliefs. She is lucky to have someone who loves her as much as I still do, but it means nothing to her. Christian love. The "love" she shows me makes me want to run back into arms of superstition. NOT.

Your State - PA
How old were you when you became a christian? 18
How old were you when you ceased being a christian? 38
What churches or organizations or labels have applied to you? Born-again Protestant Fundamentalist
What labels, if any, would you apply to yourself now? Atheist
Why did you become a christian? Out of fear, but I didn't realize it then
Why did you de-convert? Realized that fear was tool of manipulation used by xtianity to control minds
email: ccarroll7537 at hotmail dot com