The moment of decision

Sent in by AJ

Names changed for anonymity

This moment of decision was triggered by my conversation with Ryan at Erica's wedding. He was trying to pull me back into the "fold." But, the more I look, think, read, and talk, the more I am pushed away from faith. I even finally admitted to my parents last night that I don't have a clue. Their answers weren't very satisfying. They've closed their minds to make themselves happy. Their opinions and rationalizations seem senseless and misguided. They are robots, controlled and blinded by their faith. Which is sad, because they will not open their minds and really listen to what I say, instead they reply with the pre-packaged Christianese answers I rejected many months ago.

After Ryan's urging, I decided that it would be a good thing to go to Great Big Church with my roommates. Hurray! All the roommates go to the same church. How harmonious! The sermon was on the "peril of falling away." AKA, you cannot leave this cult. "Don't fall away, Don't fall away" Keep playing your delusional mind game, keep out bad opposing thoughts, only allow good ones... What if they actually enticed the apostates with reasons to believe?

Ahh, Christianity, an emotional aneurysm it is. Where is the risen Christ??? Where are the healings? Where is the holy spirit? They are in the WORD. And in that book only.

Everyone told me to pray and read the Bible!!! What the?!?! That's not right. The people in Acts at least pretend to have some knowledge of a risen Christ, and make their appeal based on that. I will not believe unless I see Christ himself. There are not sufficient grounds for belief.

Why should the question be on me, if you cannot give intelligible reasons for your belief?

I will not delude myself, or engage in wishful thinking, just to get what I want. It is tempting to live a lie, profess a falsehood, to get into the social circle, get the Christian wife, etc,. and to be a miserable hypocrite

I will not be that person. It will take nothing less than the living God, if there even be such a being, to change me.

The God of the Bible is not worthy of my worship or praise. And even if he were my creator, judging from His supposed works as written in the WORD, I would still scorn him. I would never obey a command from God to sacrifice my son or to kill a woman and her sniveling child. The God of the Old Testament is a bloodthirsty savage. A despicable bastard. The God of the New Testament is worse, a sadistic torturing fiend.

I am even more driven away from my faith than after I first spoke with Ryan. I suppose I am under demonic attack, under the cavils of the devil himself. Yep, I ate three demons for breakfast this morning...

This is sad because I come from a family and circle of friends that is drenched in this stuff. And breaking from the dogmas will in some sense break me from them... But in the end, I care more for being truthful... Here I stand, I can do no other.