1/4/10                                                                                       View Comments

Dealing with my loss of faith

by Jimmo

Some kind of faithImage by Malu Green! via Flickr

It has taken me many months of reading the articles on this site to finally pluck up the courage to submit a testimonial.

In some ways it feels like doing this is a declaration of loss of faith to the world at large where as so far, up to this point, it has all been happening in my head. In all truth there is still a slight niggle that professing my dying faith with my mouth (on this Internet site) will lead to eternal suffering and torture in hell.

What if I am wrong? What if the bible is all true? I do miss the personal times of walking and talking with Jesus, after all!

But the more I look at it, the more I feel that I have been caught in the BIGGEST PROTECTION RACKET the world has ever seen. Belief in this or that is vital, if not then hell awaits. But don't worry. There is a way out. Believe in Jesus and things will be hunky dory, otherwise it's Goodnight Vienna!

Like other entries, I can't believe that a God of love would allow such awful retribution.

I was raised as a Catholic. I became a Christian at 17 at a summer camp. I went to university, was a leader of the Christian Union, married a Christian lady (she is wonderful, and grows more wonderful year by year) in a Baptist church, led worship in both charismatic and Baptist churches. I have helped others to accept Jesus as saviour. I have a back catalogue of personal spiritual poems which describe my journey and intimate relationship with Jesus.

So where did it all go wrong?

I'm still working the answer to this out.

I am currently agnostic. You see I still love walking on the hills talking (praying?) wondering about the love behind creation and my life. I need something outside of myself. But I'm not yet strong enough to be self-reliant, like others that I read on this site.

Sometimes when I read comments about Christianity being BS, I think (in my brainwashed way) that that is the devil laughing and gloating and leading me to the fiery pit.

As you can see I 'm still pretty scared and haven't yet got far beyond Pascal's Wager.

In some ways I wish I could roll the clock back 10 or 15 years. Things were so much simpler before I questioned them. But now I have there is no turning back. It's not that I want to be faithless especially, but that I can't seem to deny it any more.

Recently I have been appreciating that no one is listening in to my private thoughts or keeping an eternal log. I am learning to take responsibility for my own actions and decisions and not deferring responsibility to an external source.

Life is what I make it, and it's all in my head.