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Archived Testimonials

1/22/08                                                                                       View Comments

What can I do?

From Kristen

I'm 21 and still live with my parents. I go to college and they foot the big so I have to. I don't believe in god but I am forced with the burden of playing pretend. I don't feel I am don't well at all, as my mom (who is a missionary in the church) keeps saying " I need to talk to you".

I hate church. I go to a pentecostal church. They are sexist, homophobic, and elitist -- full of pomp and circumstances. Someone else described church as a side show, ladies dressed up in ridiculous hats and elaborate dresses while large men shout from pulpits.

I have been going to this church for my entire life. I grew up there. I have been a Sunday school secretary, a youth teacher, and participated in youth group when I was younger. I remember the good times and feel guilty when I realize I want to leave. They could hold that against me.

As I have gotten older, I have tried to distance myself from this church. I go to college and come home once a month. I stay away from youth services and anything else that isn't Sunday worship. I have tried to skip Sunday school and just show up to Sunday service, with little luck ( as my parents want me to be a part of Sunday school).

The "first lady" (pastors wife) pulled me aside and said:

" Pastor____ is looking at you. When are you going to give your life to the lord? I want you to say something to the church ...".

So my question is difficult:

How do I play pretend?

I don't want them to come on to me and realize I am not a Christian anymore. They look up to me, because this is a small church and they have known me all my life. They know my mom and my dad. I suppose they notice I don't care anymore.

Wish I could talk to my parents, or stand up for myself but I feel like a GLBT person in the closet, I really can't take the risk of coming out as an unbeliever. I have given my mind the gift of reason and reality, I see there are options to life and no one way to live it.

The thought of having to wait maybe 3 - 5 years before I graduate and move out scares me. I would take a job on Sunday, but I don't know how my dad would react, as he can be a spoiled child and a patriarch at the same time. I assume once I get out of college and have an official job I will be able to work on Sundays and my decisions will carry more weight with them.

Any ideas ???