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6/28/07                                                                                       View Comments

I feared hell with a nearly paralyzing fear

Sent in by libertarianchick

I am a born and bred Southern Baptist, with six preachers as grandfathers and great-grandfathers (also one Nazi, but I digress). I was bathed in church from birth. I got saved at six and baptized. I went to camps, choir, GAs, Acteens, VBS, etc¡ I fully believed in God until about age 12. Unlike many other ex-Christians, I did start to de-convert because I wanted to sin. I desperately wanted to have sex, and I had an extremely high drive (especially for a girl). I often feared that I would not have the courage to have premarital sex and that I would have to wait a long time to get married. Needless to say, I found the courage.

I feared (and still do, a little) hell with a nearly paralyzing fear. I had elaborate plans to pray and get saved upon knowing that I was going to die. I still fear sudden death even as an atheist, all the logic in the world cannot overcome this. I read this site and others "religiously," convincing myself of the utter stupidity of hell and Christian doctrine, but it never seems to replace the Chick tracts deep in my mind.

As a college student in microbiology, I fell in love with evolution and its wonderful science and logic and ideas. I began to see and study logical reasons for not believing in Christianity. I feel that spiritual things are not for me, but I am not a militant atheist. One minute, I consider my atheism a deficiency in spirituality because these other people seem to get so much out of their religion, but on the other hand, it is mostly my kind that keeps this world from slipping back into the dark ages.

I have not and will not tell my parents. I do not understand the compulsion to tell them. They are intellectually stunted. They do not have the capacity to not believe in God. My de-conversion would only bring them extreme pain. I enjoy going places with my family, but I do not look to them for an honest, highly emotional relationship. I live far away and can hide not going to church at this time. I may have to tell them something one day, but I'm going to string it out as long as possible.

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