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3/15/06                                                                                       View Comments

I Tried, I Really Tried...

sent in by xrayman

Despite the fact that I have been skeptical of God existing most of my life, at 43 I have sincerely tried to find God many times. I was an out of control alcoholic in my mid 20's. Many of my best friends also fell into serious alcohol addiction. Gary one of my oldest and dearest friends from childhood finally stopped drinking and found God. Almost over night he became a preachy born again Christian. I really wasn't too fond of his ways, yet he did succeed in putting the cork in the jug. I continued to drink heavily. He always said that Jesus was the way to overcome my addiction. At age 27 I was married with a small child when I finally hit a complete rock bottom. My drinking took me as low as a man could go.

On a March night in 1991, I was alone in my house shaking uncontrollably in a pool of cold sweat, with the DT's. I had been drunk with a friend for a week straight. When the money ran out and the booze ran dry, I had the worst withdrawals any human ever had. My mind and body were in peril. I decided it was time for me to surrender to Jesus. It was my only hope. This was your typical addict finding God story in the making, and I was the main character. I called the 700 club prayer line, and got on the phone with a prayer counselor and asked Jesus to come into my life. I got down on my knees and prayed with all my heart. I wanted to be saved from the misery so bad. Well, as I was praying and pleading with God, I felt...................nothing. Absolutely nothing. No spirit, no uplifting experience. No sense that everything would be OK. Not even a little twinge of evidence that God was with me. I even remember the prayer counselor getting a little short with me, like as in "Hey buddy I've got other calls." Well for the next few days I continued going through the serious withdrawals. I didn't sleep for two nights. It was the worst experience my body had ever endured. The religious experience I had hoped for didn't come close to happening. I have never drank again since that experience, but it wasn't because I was saved by God, it was because I never wanted to feel that way again. Many will say that it was God, but I know better. It was me finally wanting to turn my miserable life around.

Years later I tried to find God again. My wife and I decided to join a local church and get the kids baptized. Once again no matter how hard I prayed, my rational brain would never let me believe in an invisible man in the sky although I tried to fake it really hard on many occasions. I listened to scripture and was always skeptical that it was the word of God. I even have spent hours and hours alone in deep meditation trying to find God on a very personal level, and of course as always, I have come up empty.

For whatever reason my mind has never allowed me to believe a God exists. I am having a little trouble totally letting go, but I really want to totally let go of the baggae of a God. I welcome pen pals to correspond. It's a lonely life being an atheist.

email: xrayman at chartermi dot net