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12/9/05                                                                                       View Comments

Still Holding On

sent in by J. Strong

For the past five years, I've struggled with making a decision.
Whether I should stay with Christianity or leave it alone. Over a period of
time, I've found that the religion I've once relied on has the
credibility of any children's fable. I go to church every week and sing in the
choir. The whole experience can be nerve racking because I feel like
I'm the only one saying "am I the only one hearing this garbage?". I
don't have any experiences of abuse or mistreatment by the church. As a
matter of fact, I've grown to respect, love and appreciate members of
the church. Especially those who have been a part of my life since the
very beginning.

That's one of the reasons it's so difficult to leave. The other
is that my wife, mother, father, sisters are all Christians, therefore
it would not be a great environment for an agnostic or atheist. I don't
have many other friends or activities outside of the church. It's
pretty much all I know and without it, I have absolutely nothing. I don't
feel smart enough to operate in the real world where you're required to
be clever, witty and dependent on yourself. I've spent my whole life
depending on a God that doesn't exist. I want to have someone help me
or tell me what to do. I want someone to love me and have my back. I
want someone to manage the things I can't control. Although I know the
truth, I still find myself holding on. Hoping that maybe I'm wrong and
that this God will talk to me face to face. But after many years of
asking, I suppose that's not going to happen.

It's difficult to talk to believers because they don't require
evidence for what they believe. Their fundamental question is do I
believe in God? The fundamental question for me is does God exist? If God
doesn't exist then every other thing based on God existing is
irrelevant, regardless of what I believe. So should I take the pill and enter a
world that can be cold, lonely, uninviting, potentially good but
utterly pointless where I'll be free but miserable. Or should I take the
other pill which keeps me where I am. A place where people act like they
care, I have a purpose and can really make a difference (although I
don't know what my purpose is). Even if I know that whold world is based
on a complete lie.

I wanted to choose to go back to the matrix, but once I found out
it wasn't real, there was no point. I seem to be doomed to live a
miserable, depressed life with no hope for anything different. No matter
what decision I make. Life sucks.

Chicago
IL
Cook
Joined: 9
Left: Still claiming (29)
Was: Presbyterian
Now: Certain but Confused
Converted because: Felt I should do it and get it out the way.
Considering de-conversion because: It's not real
Email: JERALDA at SBCGLOBAL dot NET