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12/16/05                                                                                       View Comments

My Christian University experience

sent in by Mark

Well I grew up in an ultra fundamentalist home. Dad was a marine DI,
mom was a very involved Christian/homemaker. I was hit and abused as a
child. As I became a teen I was confused, attracted to other guys, and
told all gays were going to hell, my life was very sad. All through
high school I had sex with others at my school, and at church asked for
forgiveness. I was alone and very conflicted. I was close to suicide
often.

I applied for and was accepted to BIOLA (college) in 1977. I went to
the college, and was lodged in the all male (men and women were
separated) dorms. Living in such close proximity to so many other young (teen)
men, I became very sexual.

I had sex with MANY of the young men at the college. I changed
roommates. I asked a very effeminate and obviously gay older schoolmate to
become my new roommate. His name was Zane. He agreed. We moved into
another room in the freshman dorm. He was a junior. The first night in
the room, I confessed to him I was gay. I assumed he would be
thrilled. He became very homophobic, and ran to the RA. Telling him of my
confession.

I was called into the Dean of Men's office the next day. He was very
ignorant on the issue of homosexuality, and asked me how long I had
wanted to be a woman. He was an idiot. He then wanted names of others I
had been involved with on campus. I refused. I was kicked out of
school because I was gay.

I was very conflicted still, and went on a two year horror-show, back
and forth between self hate and "redemption." My parents had become a
part of a fundamentalist group called "Spatula." I was a group that was
supposed to help parents of gay kids. Some of us 'gay kids" attended
once in a while. We all screwed each other. Lots of sex, and guilt.

I also, at the forcing of my father, attended a group called Exodus
that was supposed to save us from our sexuality. At the time it was
headed buy a guy named Mike Bussey. Well Mike and I had many "sessions"
together. And sex. So much for saving me from my sin. Mike has since
come back to reality, and has renounced the lie that people can change
their sexuality.

I was also connected for a short while with a group called "Love in
Action" in San Francisco. I was still only 18, and kind of cute. Well
the "saved and converted" gay men were all over me. Trying to have sex
all the time. They were liars. There is no Jesus transformation. If
you are a queer, you are a queer.

My life in my late teens was hell. I turned tricks to survive. LA,
San Francisco. Lots of drugs drinking and sex. I was reacting to the
repression, and the guilt. I tried to commit suicide several times, and
was very unhappy. All because of the guilt I felt, and my fear of
being sent to hell for my sexuality.

Then I met a guy. We became a couple. He had not grown up in a
religious family. He was free of guilt; he was happy, gay and very handsome.
We fell in love. He taught me not to be afraid, and to love. He
taught me that you can be a fantastic human being, loving and good, without
any fear of a hateful god.

We have been together now for 21 years. We love each other very much,
and find a life without fear of god very fulfilling. I am productive,
and feel good about myself and my future. Life is good. My life is
good because god is dead for me. I am very lucky. Many young people are
so burdened by the belief in god, they never recover.

Good luck to all of you. Live happy lives unencumbered by the myth of
god. Live life to its fullest.


Oregon
USA
Joined: 5
Left: 18
Was: Christian and Missionary Alliance - BIOLA University
Now: Free Man
Converted because I grew up in the myth
De-converted because I am gay, and well I just outgrew the lie
email: onanite at gay dot com