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11/3/05                                                                                       View Comments

I was a blood-bought, born-again, Bible-believing Christian

sent in by Blue Heron

My xtimony could be very, very long if I covered every negative thing about my xtian life, but I will make it as short as I can. I apologize for the loooong sentences I’ve used in some of it too.

This deconversion is all VERY recent for me, and unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. My mind has been trying to process it all, and the fact that I’ve been connected to the Matrix all my life, only just now getting unplugged and experiencing a world vastly different that I’ve been missing.

I just turned 32. My whole life was steeped in Christianity. I regret all the years of turmoil, fear, guilt and anguish over the religion (or “relationship” as xtians say). But, I can’t go back and change it, only learn from it and move on. By the way, for all you Christians reading, I was a blood-bought, born-again, Bible-believing Christian with the “lord jesus christ” as my “only savior”. Let there be no saying that I wasn’t really “saved”.

The Bible has to be the most mixed-up, contradictory, brain-twisting book out there. Nobody can agree on what it says and means anyway. There are thousands of
denominations because they can’t agree. Have you noticed how most Christian churches condemn all other religions, then move on to condemn other denominations, than people who just don’t believe every silly doctrine they do? Everyone thinks they are in the One True Church™ and hold all the right beliefs. Nobody can agree on exactly how you “get saved” either. Some say you just believe, others say you have to confess all your sins, others say you have to “confess the Lord Jesus”, others say baptism has to be a part, others say you must do good works, and so
on.

I really think a lot of Christians either spend time worrying about their salvation or they put it all in the back of their mind and go on, not thinking about it too much. But if you are like me, a “deep thinker”- one who gets serious about what they read and hear and analyzes it - and tries to apply it to their life to be what God wants, you can’t just file it away. Especially when you hear contradictory
preaching from one church to the next, and even from pastors in the same church! If you hear things like, “You must be absolutely, 100% sure that you are saved.
If you have ANY doubt, then you better come to the alter and make things right with God tonight, before it’s too late!” Who can be positively sure that every feeling, thought and belief you have is totally in line with everything that preacher or the bible says you must believe/do to get saved? Then you think back to your "conversion” moment. Did you really believe, say and do the right thing at the right time to cause salvation to “take”? The cycle of doubt and fear is almost endless, except for short spans of time when you have somehow convinced yourself that you really did do everything right, and since you spent the previous night confessing every known sin and begging Jesus to save you (while trying not to have even a second of doubt, since that would void the whole process again), you are sure now that you’re OK (until the next moment of crushing doubt comes that even though God loves you, he still might throw you into hell, although he’ll still love you in there as you writhe in agony for endless eternity). There were a lot of scary times in my xtian life, such as fearing I’d “blasphemed the holy ghost”or missed the rapture, and was now without hope.

There were also lots of time I really felt close to the three of them - Jesus, Jehovah, Holy Ghost. I wanted to witness to people, but was shy and didn’t want to be known as a fanatic and weirdo. I supported missionaries, prayed for people, left those scary Chick tracts around, and had a lot of guilt and fear. It also caused me to be judgmental to other Christians. For example, it was easy to condemn others for spending money on brand name clothes, when I bought yard sale stuff to save money for winning souls, so I claimed. At one point, we seriously were considering being full-time missionaries in a foreign country! I was trying to be the best Christian I could be, and was honestly trying to find out how to do that. For a while, I was also a “King James Bible Only-ist” and was starting to think I should just wear skirts and dresses. I even read some of Ruckman’s books and those of other hardcore fundagelicals. I gave money to xtian organizations and was a devoted
believer in .... creationism!

The process of me deconverting was ironic because I was actually the closest and most at peace with God than I had ever been. I had learned and whole-heartedly embraced the doctrine of grace and was trusting fully in Jesus. I was confident and secure. I recently started to learn about Universalism and become more loving. I no longer believed in the doctrine of eternal hell. That led to more liberal views and the freedom to explore and think about things I was never “allowed” to in my hardcore xtian days. Because back then, un-Christian views that a Christian might dare have were blamed on the devil getting a foot-hold, the flesh, the evil world, etc. Finally being able to freely think about my faith led me to the end of this mind-virus known as Christianity.

Now I no longer have to screen everything through the world view of Christianity. As a Christian, I never would have spent too much time on a site like this for fear of reading something that might upset my faith and make me uncomfortable. Or I would have just thought things like: These people just had a bad experience in the church; They were never saved to begin with; They just didn’t know Jesus like I did; They were in the wrong denomination; etc. etc. Does any of that sound familiar??

Anyway, once I felt more freedom to read and learn things that before I would have turned and ran the other way from, I began to think with a part of my brain that had been lying dormant all this time. I consumed information from websites and books that showed that Jesus Christ is a myth, that the Bible and Christianity were put together to serve the church “fathers” selfish, greedy needs. That Yahweh is a
killing, blood-thirsty demon. The way women have been treated was not a big selling point for the religion either.

Sometimes I would want to throw the book across the room in anger when I read something that made me see the humongous LIE I’d been fed all my life. It was
like in that movie “The Count of Monte Christo” when, with the help of Priest, he realizes how he’d been totally duped by his “friend”, and had been naive and
so trusting. He was angry at the deception, and for having spent so much of his life locked up in a dark prison. That’s how I felt.

Christianity, Jesus and the Bible are the biggest scam ever pulled on the human race. I believed it because it is the religion of my family and it was just
accepted as being true. At first, I felt guilt for leaving the faith of my Father and Mother. But over time, what was once a shocking, life-altering wake-up
has now started to become normal to me.

I am a closet xtian for the most part. We live in a very Christian place, and most of my friends & family are Christian. It’s more complex for me to just quit
attending church and related functions because my husband and son are believers. Husband knows about my deconversion, and accepts me anyway. He is very laid
back and loving. We haven’t talked extensively of my leaving Christianity, but someday I will try to explain it all. It is just easier to attend our church, which is very laid back anyway, and see how thing develop in my life. At first, I felt guilty for going when I don’t believe what is being taught, but now I see it as something that is necessary at this time. The social aspect is something I really enjoy in my life. I still love the many good people there, and have close friendships from there. I want to spend time with them. I love the kids and enjoy being part of their lives.

I am actually more loving, more accepting of people, and my mental state is so much more healthy. I am relaxed and at peace. I no longer feel like life isn’t worth living since Jesus is coming back soon. I actually have the drive to go back to school, get a good job and build something out of my life. The road is open before me with limitless possibilities.

I have had some interest in pagan religion just as I deconverted because it was one I had always been attracted to (and forbidden to have anything to do with, of course). But, I feel like I’ve barely had a taste of freedom and I’m already trying to put on religious shackles again. It’s a thought that makes weary to have to study another set of pre-digested material and having to learn another religion that has been long-thought over from every angle. It too has its myriad of books. There are debates on who is doing it right and who is doing it wrong, just as in xtianity. No thanks. I can’t learn a new god/dess all over again. I just don’t have the heart, energy or belief to put into getting to know another deity.

I considered atheism, but I do believe in something - call it what you will - God/dess, Higher Power, Spirit, Universe, Force, Energy, etc. that we are all
connected to, but it is NOTHING like the brutal, jealous, demonic god of Christianity. I have not settled on any particular way of thinking about this
Higher Power yet, but so far, my thinking is more like deism or new age than any organized religion.

It’s nice to have a place like this where you know others have been in the same situation and know the ins and outs, the chapter and verse, so to speak, of
where I’m coming from. Take care!