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7/6/05                                                                                       View Comments

I think I might be agnostic

sent in by anonymous

I was born into the Seventh Day Baptist church, but spent most of my life as an Adventist. There were a few major points on the road to de-conversion. I'll list them, rather than give a whole narrative.

1) Sexually molested at the age of 8 in the church building by a boy and a girl

1b) Baptised into Adventist church at age of 11

2) Began to compare creation and evolution at the age of 13. I couldn't quite believe the story about God putting dinosar bones into the earth to test our faith.

3) Temporary spiritual revival at 14 as I assumed greater duties as an executive member of my church's youth group

4) At 15 I had a brief liaison with a married man, the teacher of my class in Sabbath school, and a friend of my mother's. It consisted of him insisting he was in love with me and would eventually divorce his then-pregnant wife, and me trying desperately to discourage him and keep the whole thing secret.

5) At 16 Married man's wife confronted me with a copy of a love letter she had found stashed in his car. The letter was written to me. Blamed me for her husband's madness, but still wanted to be friends in Christ. Went home and vomited.

6) The director of my youth choir was caught giving a blow job to the junior elder in the baby room at church, just before Friday night choir practice began. She was 16 and the Pastor's daughter, he was 21 and on his way to divinity school.

7) At 17, started questioning this supposed great sacrifice that Jesus made for us. He was resurrected wasn't he? He got to go back to heaven, right? How many christian martyrs over the millenia have suffered far more terrible deaths in his name. When will it be enough to make up for his precious sacrifice?

8) At 18, pierced my ears and began to defiantly wear earrings.

9) At 18 in University, discovered the Religious studies library. Read up on the Hx of Christianity. Discovered JS Spong and Karen Armstrong.

9) Brief, panicky, spiritual revival as I realized how far I had strayed from Adventism.

10) At 19, had an epiphany: there is no hell and Satan, no heaven and God. Said "Jesus-fucking-Christ" for the first time in my life, in celebration of my revalation. Revealed my state of apostasy to Adventist mother, who promised to pray for me.

20) At 20, ate jerked pork for the first time in front of my SDBaptist family. Signed up for swim classes on Saturday mornings.

21) At 21, mother calls to wake me up for said swimming class. She has ceased praying about my heathen ways.

22) At 22, drank beer for the first time on the night of my birthday. Also went clubbing. Decided I had missed absolutely nothing at all during my years of non-clubbing. With relief, went back to reading my books.

So that's where I am. Contrary to popular Adventist opinion, I am not "out in the world" doing " worldly things", I'm doing what I've always done: read, study, hang out with friends, think seriously about my future. I still don't wear makeup because I don't like it; I love chandelier earrings and 3 1/2'' stilettoes; I have been known to drink a glass of Baileys with my roomates; I adore bacon, but hate pork chops; I don't mind shrimp, and I haven't yet tried lobster; and Saturdays are just like any other day of the week, except I have swimming classes, and after that I head to the book store.

I think I might be agnostic, but frankly, I don't much care. I go to church once in a while if my family invites me. No big deal to it, it's actually a little entertaining, and there is always good food to eat. And I'm re-joining my gospel choir because I miss performing as a solo-ist. My fam is still convinced that something went wrong, and they still hope I'll come back, but over all, they are cool people so they pretty much leave me alone.