Heretic Heart

sent in by Bill Baker

I remember that glorious day! Enshrouded by nothing but darkness, shoved about by powerful forces unseen! I lifted my head from the blackness towards the blinding light; gasping for air, i tried to cry. Suddenly,as from nowhere a firm,but gentle,huge hand connected with me. With that I uttered "waahhh,waahhh"!!!

No, that was not my Christian rebirth story. That was the story of the day I was born. Actually, I don't remember the day I was born; I hardly remember this morning! However, it seemed like a humorous intro.

So, four score and seven years ago...er,I mean 25 years ago, I was brought forth into this shithole of brainwashing.

I was raised as a Christian by my mother-may she rest in peace. She took me and my sister to a Pentecostal church till I was about 5-6 years of age{something like that}.

Around this time my female Sunday school teacher grabbed me and slammed me against a wall for talking in class. As a result, my mom stopped taking us to church and I think she stopped attending herself too. Though she continued to raise us as bible believing Christians, yet she was overly fundamentalist about it, she was more moderate.

I always had sort of an inherent desire to believe in the god and Christ that my mother raise dis- believing in when I was young. I was one whom wasn't ashamed to admit his belief in god and Jesus and the bible and modern 'Christian morality',etc.

My mother never really indoctrinated us too heavily{to my recollection; like I said -she did it more moderately} and my faith was largely my own, and my desire to refrain from drugs,drinking,peer pressure,sexual intercourse before marriage,smoke,hurting others,etc was as much based in "reason/logic/common sense/rationality,etc" as in religious superstitious fear of gods wrath and hell; and to this day remains my reason fro refraining from most of these things as well as a Universist.

However, I always had a bit of a rebellious streak in me. Not so much agaisnt the faith or values my mother taught us in, as against conservatism/traditionalism,and against the herd mentality of both the Christian{church} and non-Christian{school cliques,class,preps,etc} worlds.

When I reached the age of 10-11, I discovered heavy metal music-which would become largely my religion{not faith} and passion.

I grew my hair long,dressed in metal shirts,rebelled against the norm and the sheep mentality,etc, and faced persecution from my whole school for it. I was "the" rebel and outcast in junior high-and throughout it.

When I got to high school I had an experience where a family member whom had treated my shitty while we were growing up{a cousin} that I had little desire to forgive, suddenly sought my forgiveness-we were both surprised to find my sincerely forgiving immediately. I chalked it up to the last few moths spent delving into the bible and prayer like never before and renewing my xian faith{not realizing that I was born inherently forgiving,honest,merciful,etc, and that this was not the result of any particular religious belief}.

As a result, I became a "born again" xian. I spent the next several years as a diehard evangelical Christian metal-head.

To make long story shorter, I spent those years getting thoroughly indoctrinated into evangelical xianity and passionately endeavored to spread the "love of Jesus".{to Give you some idea of how extreme I was, I fancied myself as a warrior of Christ, often calling myself "Antisatan" and "Lucificide",etc, I was going to be a revolutionary man at the front row of the army of god, making myself a feared enemy of satan/Lucifer}. Although during that time, I always challenged w.out fear the church leaders and sheeple and their prejudices of appearances,etc, as well as 'legalisms' ,hypocrisy,double standards,etc, and at times doctrine. I was slowly becoming a real heretic and revolutionary.

In 2001 my mother passed away from cancer. I found myself a little upset at god for this{though only minorly},but that mixed w/my newfound open mindedness and deep theological questions which had been brewing for awhile about bible infallibility, the gender of god,etc, which lead to even deeper philosophical/theological conundrums about the nature of god and reality,etc. I payed attention to them to some degree{always with a fear that I was gonna go to hell}, I was attending church and Bible Studies for 'college and careers" aged people. I was disturbing the shit and stirring up controversy like never before, the heretic in me was in full swing. I found myself seriously challenging the faith in bible Studies and stuff and pissing off a lot of people{leaders especially}. I almost left xianity for wicca, then I almost adopted Wicca into Christian mysticism.

Eventually, though, I went back to evangelical xianity,stopped my disbelief{though I continued some of my questions, namely whether the bible was really 100% infallibly the word of God or just parts were, and whether god should just be called by patriarchal terms and if maybe we should call god by both male and female terms or neither}.

I went back to the faith fully w/this in sept 2001{days BEFORE the 9/11 thing}.

I continued in army of Christ, satans arch-nemesis, mode till recently. I eventually started stirring up a built more heretic controversy{though w/my own belief in god/Christ in tact}. I eventually stopped attending church in my city thinking they were all too hypocritical, though I still desired to find a 'real' 'spirit-filled' 'unhypocritical' church to go to, I considered that I should open my own 'come as you are'/'all questions/quandaries welcome' no patriarchal hierarchy church.

In 2003{spring of} I was leant a book by a friend written by Bishop John Shelby Spong, a heretical-mystical Christianity, paying lip service to the tradition of his faith,Jesus seminar, humanist xian leader/writer. The Book was called "living in sin", it was pro-homosexuality and preo-feminism, it seriously opened my eyes to the prejudice against homosexuals in xianity and prejudice and subjugation of women/females in church history and in the bible itself, and even to some extant in modern evangelical xianity.

This eventually led me to my full blown heretic heart again, and I began to question all things again. And stirred up more controversy amongst the Christians in my town.

As of January/February of 2004, I started to look seriously into Wicca again, but quickly discovered Deism{which appealed to my rational and heretical mind more}, so I started calling myself deist in Feb/March. As of around probably April-I discovered Universalism, I now call myself a deistic Universist, though I remain open to pantheistic/pagan{primarily some 'wiccan' ideas},trancandentalist, and some new age thought,etc, as well as Humanism.

I have begun a process of learning how seriously violent,hypocritical,egotistical,petty,vile,immoral,and evil Jehovah is and that Jesus{if he existed-which is probbale-though not certain, whom was probably also a compassionate person-was also a egomaniac and hypcocrite} given that he said in Matthew 5:17-19 to follow every stroke of the pen from the law{and NO Christian does this, not even Jesus himself did so in the gospel accounts; and why would they? Given how cruel and unusual a lot of those punishments/laws are and how much a racist and war-mongering god Jehovah is painted as-even though "he's" also called merciful and loving, LoL!!!}.
As a result I see the need to subvert by educating and informing myself and others to these facts{not overthrowing violently, as a democratic,peace-loving, person- simply could not do so} people about jude-xianity, so that it will eventually fade away as amyth and lie.{same w/other "revealed" religions ,such as Judaism and Islam,etc}.
I have become a humanist, a Universist, a deist/panthiest/pagan/new ager{haven't yet fully decided on one}, a peace movement person, a different kind of spiritual warrior. Now fanying myself{I know, too much ego is bad, but it's fun to fancy yourself as things by giving yourself new names or pseudonym's} "Holy Heretic"/"iconoclast".

Here I stand with you my fellow/sister,etc, Ex-Christians.
Let us enlighten ourselves and the world together, to make this a better world, and maybe eventually we can enlighten Et races{if they exist} and they us. Then there can be true peace/equality/love/truth/justice in the universe; that's all this heretic heart of mine wants.

That's all folks
peace
Bill "Iconoclastithon" the 'Holy Heretic' Baker


City: Brandon
State: Manitoba
Country: Canada

Became a Christian: Born into it{self-dedicated or "born again at around age 17; am now 25}

Ceased being a Christian: That's relative, I officially renounced it for the last time January or February of this year}

Labels before: Charismatic/evangelical,protestant/Pentecostal,Fundamentalist Christian metalhead

Labels now: Universist,Freethinker,Reasonist/rationalist,Deist,possibly =Pantheist, Exchristian, Heretic,Apostate,

Why I joined: Born into it. When I self "born again" dedicated-it was because I experienced an uncanny ability to forgive someone which I chalked up to the last few months having got back into the bible and prayer

Why I left: Lack of substance in it, lack of logic/common sense/reason, the theology was ass-backward{a transcendent but somehow male god whom is limited to the belief system of one religion}, good people going to hell, a brutal war god, Bible inconsistencies/contradictions, lack of hsitororical proof, lack of any real miracles that aren't in other religions that can't be chalked up to "self/mass hypnosis"/"positive thought'-etc., sexism in the faith, the condemnation of homosexuality which has scientific evidence to back it up as natural and normal,the list goes on and on.

Email Address: Iconoclastithon at hotmail dot com